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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to think that a psychotherapist should not say...

79 replies

echobutnobunnymen · 21/07/2009 22:46

'Perhaps there is something in you that can't take help'....when I have waited over a year for an appointment with her.. well an appointment with anyone actually...in the desperate hope that I will be helped to stop having suicidal thoughts.

'Well we all have personality disorders'....when I say that I am not sure about group therapy with people with personality disorders, as a lifetime of people with PDs are the reason I am in this mess in the first place.

'Well the best thing to think is 'water off a duck's back' ' ......about my abusive family and husband.

'Well what do you expect? You are going through a divorce and you have three teenagers?'...

'We all have to look within ourselves to see what part we play in our personalities...'

'Labels aren't helpful'

There's more ...but my question is...

Is it usual for a psychotherapist to blame a victim? As that is how I feel after having a half-hour session with this woman today.

What do psychotherapists actually do?

All advice gratefully received and if I am being unreasonable in expecting actual help to improve my mental state then I am happy to be told so.

And does three days a week intensive basket weaving cure anything?

Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
echobutnobunnymen · 22/07/2009 08:58

Thankyou for your replies.

I suppose I feel that I drag myself out of the pit, and get on with my life, then I go to see these people and they put me right back down again and then say 'see you in September'.

So I am then left to drag myself back out again.

I just need to know if my expectations are too high. I think from my own research that I have PTSD . OH i don't know...I think I will probably just give upon the whole idea.

Surely there can't be just me in the whole world who feels like this? What happens to other people who have suicidal thoughts and PTSD?

OP posts:
BonsoirAnna · 22/07/2009 09:01

I had PTSD and, after various totally useless psychiatrists, was helped massively by an NHS counsellor. Try to persevere with this.

Original poster
echobutnobunnymen · 22/07/2009 09:02

Anna, how did the counsellor help> What did they do?

OP posts:
BonsoirAnna · 22/07/2009 09:03

Can you tell us a bit about the good bits of your life, OP? The things you have achieved and are proud of? And what are your plans for the future?

BonsoirAnna · 22/07/2009 09:06

He was very calm and non-judgemental. I cried (a lot) and told him all about the horrible people who had made my life a misery and made me feel a complete failure. He asked me why I hadn't given up trying to please these incessantly demanding, unpleasant people (my employers) sooner.

The process made me understand that I hadn't failed, that my trauma had been justified, and that I was totally right to cut all that stuff out of my life and lead a different life, with better values, elsewhere. I left the trauma in the counsellor's room and got on with life!

BonsoirAnna · 22/07/2009 09:09

He was very much of the opinion that there are useless people around and that you cannot always accommodate others.

He was a Vicar by original profession (he had become an NHS therapist in middle life) but very pro-divorce when his patients were being dragged down by demanding and/or useless partners.

Original poster
echobutnobunnymen · 22/07/2009 09:11

I have three teenagers who are fab. They have open house here for their friends. I have a foster child who has nightmare parents.

I deal with my very elderly disordered mother. I have a husband who abused me and who I left. He still abuses me and my children and gives me no money. I was left in huge debt on leaving my marriage.

I educated myself to postgraduate level despite barriers to this from my husband and his family and now support myself and said teenagers with a very part time professional job.

And I am still alive!

For the future I just want to have children who are happy and nice people.

OP posts:
BonsoirAnna · 22/07/2009 09:14

Why are you a foster mother?

Why are you your mother's carer?

Raising three teenagers as a single mother with a part-time job is quite enough for any one!

Original poster
echobutnobunnymen · 22/07/2009 09:15

Anna that sounds wonderful. I know that I should just put these people out of my life, but it is not possible.

SO I need help to get my head around my situation so that I am not so fragile and so that I can make new relationships without thinking that everyone out there is bad.

You sound as though you have made a fantastic new life for yourself. Good for you. I salute you!

OP posts:
ReneRusso · 22/07/2009 09:16

The only comment that I don't like is 'Well the best thing to think is 'water off a duck's back''. Perhaps that is out of context. The rest of it sounds ok and fairly typical therapist stuff. The first time I saw a therapist I was furious about some of the things she said and I decided not to go back. Then a few weeks later I began to think about it a bit more and I went back. Ultimately it was helpful. Psychotherapy is a painful and difficult experience and it really can help you, but it will not be comfortable. Therapists do not generally offer support and sympathy, as that would be encouraging the status quo instead of change. I would advise giving it a few more sessions to see if you can build a rapport. If you don't understand something she says, then ask her to explain it.

BonsoirAnna · 22/07/2009 09:19

Believe me, if you find the right therapist/counsellor, he/she will help you put these people who are dragging you down out of your life (or, at the very least, at a safe, manageable distance).

MitchyInge · 22/07/2009 09:22

will the group therapy be DBT (dialectical behaviour therapy)?

ZZZenAgain · 22/07/2009 09:28

well my GP recommended I see a therapist when I got severe (utterly unbearable) back pain which had no obvious physical cause. He quizzed me on my situation and said it was no wonder I had the back pain!

I won't go into detail, since it isn't my thread but I was unhappy in our expat situation, with dd's schooling, my mother had terminal cncer, dh was always at work, it just wasn't good all round.

Anyway I went to see this therapist and it got me down so much, I called her and said I felt so angry after being with her, I couldn't continue. It wasn't doing me any good. She was alright, invited me in for a wind-up session where she said I could throw my anger at her (which I did!) and she said she'd take it.

The reason I couldn't continue was she would not listen to ANYTHING I wanted to get off my chest. She said, "you were a university lecturer, you have all these qualifications, so why are you just a SAHM now? This is the problem" That was all she ever wanted to talk about. She asked, does no woman in your family go out to work? So I said, yes my sister, and my mother was a part-time accountant once we were all at school. "Oh thank goodness," she sighs. Her whole take was, why am I spending so much time with my dd or educating my dd? What is the point if at the end of it, she is just to end up another SAHM and throw all that education away?

Some therapists I am sure can help you but that didn't get me anywhere really. Going out to work would not have changed the school situation, the fact dh was not there, the fact we were in Germany.

BonsoirAnna · 22/07/2009 09:30

ZZZen, but not terribly surprised. There are far too many people out there who attribute all problems a woman can ever have to her lack of paid employment.

ZZZenAgain · 22/07/2009 09:38

Well she felt strongly about it. I was willing to weigh it up and chew it over but I could not cope with having it hammered into me for an hour a week. Especially since I did work in Germany as a researcher until my dd was born - and I thoroughly disliked the working environment, so I knew things would not have improved if I had gone back to what I had done there before. Maybe if I had found something different to do, it might have given me a lift in some way but it would not have resolved any of the ongoing problems that were weighing me down.

I don't mind listening to uncomfortable truths but I do think a therapist also needs to listen and not have a preconceived plan for you from the word go, without knowing your background at all. Frist thing she asked when I came in was what job I do and when I said I am a SAHM, what job had I done previously, then she settled on her programme and that was that.

ZZZenAgain · 22/07/2009 09:40

so echo, I do think therapy could be very helpful (it helped my cousin a great deal with her difficult marriage problems) but you need to get the right therapist. I don't think I did.

BonsoirAnna · 22/07/2009 09:40

She sounds terrible!

The NHS counsellor I saw (after lots of crappy French psychiatrists) was very open-minded about the kind of life his patients led. But he was quite old and had doubtless seen it all as a vicar married to a GP!

BonsoirAnna · 22/07/2009 09:42

It sounds as if the OP needs someone in her life who isn't making demands on her. Someone to love and cherish her and make her feel secure and wanted.

Original poster
echobutnobunnymen · 22/07/2009 09:43

Mitchy...I have no idea! PS.... respect to you and your sideways show jumping.

ZZZen...I just wonder sometimes if we are saner and more together than the therapists!

I wonder if sometimes one just has to go with the flow and try to get to the end of it. We are alive and doing our best in difficult circumstances ...perhaps that is all one can expect really.

OP posts:
Original poster
echobutnobunnymen · 22/07/2009 09:46

That would be nice Anna , but unlikely to happen I think! I have never had anyone like that so I think that is unlikely now.

OP posts:
BonsoirAnna · 22/07/2009 09:47

Maybe the therapist could make you feel a bit more deserving of love and nurture?

When you feel you deserve things, they are more likely to come your way!

imaynotbeperfectbutimokmummy · 22/07/2009 09:54

Echo - please print out your 9.11am post and stick it too your fridge. You sound like an amazingly capable and strong woman.

I think your children are very lucky to have a caring and loving mother like you, and then you have foster children too - much respect.

What sort of therapist was it that you saw?

I am due to have CBT soon, soon being relative i guess. I have been in counselling for a year. My counsellor did upset me yesterday and told me i hid behind my anxiety and "depression" It was very difficult to hear i can promise you, but in a way i think i needed to hear it. The thing is, as my counsellor said to me - she wouldnt have dreamed of saying these things to me at the begining, its only because we do have a very frank working relationship. I did have the impression that a counsellor would be patting my arm going "there there, you are right, everthying is shit and poor poor you" Sorry have to go, will post more

imaynotbeperfectbutimokmummy · 22/07/2009 10:32

Sorry for posting and running - i had to literally drop everything and run, twas late. What i think is that your therapist stepped in with too much too soon.

Yeah, we all have shit to deal with, each and every of us - but for some of us, after a while it is just too much. For whatever reason that might be. I think it was her way of telling you that there is no wonder you are feeling the pressure just now, not only have you history but you are now going through a divorce - its a lot of strain. What you need is some help to get through it.

I would give the therapist another chance, don't be cowed by her though. I really give my counsellor a run for her money and if she says something i don't like, i tell her in no uncertain terms. Counselling and therapy is really tough to get through - the easy thing is to say that you can't handle it, but it does work, over time.

Original poster
echobutnobunnymen · 22/07/2009 12:17

Thankyou very much for all your messages. I will not be able to post now for a few days as am visiting relatives abroad who have no access to internet.

I have taken on board everything that has been said and will have a think about things.

You are all amazing.

xxxx

OP posts:
morningsun · 22/07/2009 12:34

Glad you are having lots of input echo.
I had PTSD and the first session involved notetaking of other life experiences~this was too much and too intrusive as with PTSD you are in a fearful place anyway and past traumas just added in to that/made it worse.

Would disagree with cremeeggs re training~psychotherapist is a loose title that is used for differently trained practitioners~I know our local assessor for the CMHT [as we are a local medical family],she is a district nurse.Some have had a short course in CBT but not in depth as psychologists do.

My dh gave me a book on trauma which I will hunt for~you can get it on prescription.
I am fully recovered now but still remember it well.

CBT and EMDR are two of the treatments recommended for PTSD.Personal traditional /talking counselling has not been shown to be effective[NICE guidelines but will look up for you]

I am not saying don't go to the group therapy necessarily,I just want to let you know that the therapists are not always very spot on,for a number of reasons,and it doesn't sound as if she was aware of your distress.

Will look for some links for you.take carex