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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be buying a house i don't love.

59 replies

wolfnipplechips · 21/07/2009 18:56

To cut a very long story short we have lost out on a period house that i LOVED today despite going over the price it was first sold for by 30k, for the 3rd time in 7 months tis a nightmare.

The thing is we have sold ours and have to go through with the sale by the end of August, our house is too small for us and we don't want to live here anymore, a while ago saw another house its very nice completely suburban though 4 bed post war semi dh loves it and its so practical, i can see that and we could make it lovely BUT no matter how lovely we could make it its just not me.

I've always seen myself as a bit of a bohemian/good lifer type throwing fab parties in my big house (i waqs planning a great gatsby house warming thats how much i believed it was ours)financially this house tick none of those boxes but does tick the walk to school, big garden, plenty of space and will make the dh and children happy. We've put an offer on it but i'm not sure i'm doing the right thing. I feel like i'm giving up my dreams and just settling. AIBU, WWYD.

Its taken us 8 months to sell so staying here isn't an option and we're stretched to the max any other houses i've seen that i like will send my DH over the edge.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 21/07/2009 19:03

Please count your blessings and be grateful for what you've got.

I don't understand why British people love those damp, smelly, old, haunted period houses. I'll never get that. Have lived in one the past two years and it's got 'character', but it's chilly and it's totally wasteful in today's modern society - no cupboards built in, costs a fortune to keep even remotely warm, bunch of wasted space with high ceilings, etc. Backwards and impractical.

But we're leaving it to face homelessness. Never mind a home that's 'not me' or isn't my 'dream'. That just looks like silliness from here.

And it's not just about what you want, but your DH and family, too.

So yeah, YABU.

MadameCastafiore · 21/07/2009 19:12

I couldn't live in the house you describe - and I don't think you should give up on a dream or something that you really want - why not rent for a while?

Original poster

wolfnipplechips · 21/07/2009 19:14

Maybe Expat but, i have worked very hard for my money and have doubled my working hours to afford something i love. Dh and i have struggled in the past alot and for the first time in our lives we are on top of finances and can afford a nice house, we don't take holidays drive a crap car and never have any money for ourselves. When we bought this house dh lost his income and i had been in between jobs so could not have any maternity pay we clawed our way out of debt.

I don't expect you to feel sorry for me i'm just trying to explain that my house is really important to me its my comfort zone.

I understand that it must be extremely difficult in your circumstances and i take on board what you say.

OP posts:

idranktheteaatwork · 21/07/2009 19:16

YABU but understandably so. We all want our dream house.

Expat - that's so shit. Hoping you and your family get sorted.

Original poster

wolfnipplechips · 21/07/2009 19:17

Thanks Madame, we looked at renting but if we do that we will loose our mortgage rates (we're porting the one we have so its very cheap). We lost all of the equity in our house so have to go with quite an expensive mortgage.

OP posts:

ABetaDad · 21/07/2009 19:18

wolfnipplechips - it is disappointing. I would not like to buy the house you have described that DH likes. I would want to rent it though as it ticked all the other boxes. I would then just keep on looking for the period house.

The problem is that period houses are either very expensive or mile sout of the way or are money pits that need huge amounts of work. I just did manage to rent a period house after 2 year sof searching but could not afford to buy it for what the landlord wants to sell it for.

I have rented modern, 1920s and 1960s all in teh last 10 years and every single one was just right at the time (e.g location, size, decor) but not forever. Like you I want to buy a house I love.

Original poster

wolfnipplechips · 21/07/2009 19:24

DH and i both grew up in period houses so we know how hard they can be to run we also live in one now and love it, except for the space.

The thing is we have always been singing off the same page so to speak, we have never disagreed on a house before. The other thing is DH loved the other house as did the kids although to be fair Dh would love to still live in his student house and the dc are perfectly adaptable.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 21/07/2009 19:58

Lots of people work hard and don't take holidays. It doesn't entitle one to anything.

Fact is, you lost the house of your 'dreams', so it's obviously not meant to be. Someone else got it. It happens all the time in many things.

So it's time to revisit your dreams and re-evaluate them.

expatinscotland · 21/07/2009 20:00

And ask him what he thinks and why he wants this house, since it's his, too, and all.

He may have changed his mind and a compromise might be in order - like, say, an Art Deco house instead of a Victorian.

MaryMotherOfCheeses · 21/07/2009 20:02

Big garden and plenty of space sounds pretty damn good.

So you haven't fallen in love with it? Sometimes you just need to go with what you know to be a practical solution. For the whole family, not just you.

Fennel · 21/07/2009 20:05

I would hang on, rent, and not worry too hard about mortgage rates - it costs a lot more to buy a sensible house you don't love and then move again in a year or two. My friend did that. She always knew the house wasn't right.

I would rent any old house, but for buying, it has to feel right. Not necessarily expensive, my first house was v cheap and in a v rough area but a period victorian terrace. which I loved.

Type of house matters to me. So I don't think it's stupid or spoilt to hang out for a house you care about, you'll be there a long time.

I would live in a lot of inconvenience (in fact I do, our house is ridiculously characterful and terribly impractical) for those period features.

ABetaDad · 21/07/2009 20:14

wolfnipplechips - if you want to make yourself feel better put Channel 4 on now and watch two couples struggling to do up Grade II listed buildings.

expatinscotland · 21/07/2009 20:16

no way! 'Four Weddings' is miles better .

Umlellala · 21/07/2009 20:18

This is a bit like us, I imagined us living in a Victorian terrace with high ceilings but you know what, we can't really afford it. So we are buying one that ticks all the boxes, attractive property, nice area, dh loves it - me, I though it was good but didn't fall for it (we both got the gut instinct on our flat). Maybe it was just not what I imagined (is more cottage-style but with a huge garden ).

I guess I am v easily led but the more into our sale we go, the more excited I am about our new place and making it 'us'... and the more I have talked myself into how great it is . Would this work for you?!

notanumber · 21/07/2009 20:23

Don't do it!

We bought our place because pregnant and desperate - always knew it wasn't right - and I absolutely fucking LOATHE it now.

Bought in August 2007 - the absolute top of the market, just before it crasheed - and so are stuck here.

Not a single day goes by when I don't bitterly regret it.

Original poster

wolfnipplechips · 21/07/2009 20:30

Expat, yes lots of people work hard and take lots of holidays but i'm just trying to explain our house is where our priorities lie, what would you propose i spend my money on, i have increased my hours at work so as we can have a larger mortgage.The semi is actually more expensive.

DH likes the house because it reminds him of ones his rich friends lived in when he was little . We both also liked another period house but lost out on it last week because we foolishly put all our eggs in one basket.

I need to look into renting more, i think it would make dh more uncomfortable though.
For DH the house is not a dealbreaker he doesn't love it so much he'd hate it if i said no its just that its practical, clean and he doesn't like not knowing whats happening. Abetadad, i think it might make me cry if i watch it renovating houses is what i LOVE to do, have done 2 previously, yes its hell but fun hell.

Thanks everyone for the replies BTW, its nice to know i'm not totally mad for feeling so sad.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 21/07/2009 20:33

I wouldn't propose anything as to what you do with your money and nowhere did I insinuate that.

You asked, AIBU.

I think yeah, YABU.

expatinscotland · 21/07/2009 20:34

Hope it works out for you and all that.

Original poster

wolfnipplechips · 21/07/2009 20:50

Thanks, Sorry if i come accross tetchy, i'm a bit drained by the whole thing, silly i know but it feels a bit like unrequited love and i never thought i'd be back there, hopefully i'll shed some pounds might make it worthwhile.

Fancy getting so worked up over a house. The worst thing will be that i have to bo into bloody work more to pay for the damn thing, now that really will make me miserable. Notanumber thats what i'm afraid of.

OP posts:

preciouslillywhite · 21/07/2009 21:02

Couldn't you just take it for the next 5 years, say, and put a bwave face on it? It does sound like it has compensations (you could have a MASSIVE party in the garden!)

I do know where you're coming from- but you could find your identity is about much more than the sort of house you live in...

I've got friends who are OBSESSED with their home- it's their absolute priority. It doesn't make them happy though- most of what they earn goes into it. It's taken me years watching them to realise that having a lovely home isn't necessarily something to aim for.

You might just find you rejig your values a bit

...or of course you might just fucking hate it! What a load of sanctimonious bollocks. sorry

ABetaDad · 21/07/2009 21:21

preciouslillywhite - no not sanctimonious, you make a fair point. I have never owned a house and have always rented. I do like and indeed love period buildings though so I can see why wolf feels unhappy. People do and have become obsessed with property in the UK but finding a place you really feel at home in is important for personal well being too.

My parents are in the 'obsessed with their period home' category but on the other hand there is no point in buying a house you are just going to hate living in. I find the phrase 'getting on the housing ladder' an odd one. People buy houses they patently do not like and do not intend to live in a moment longer than necessary but sell ASAP so they can buy something better. I have rented huses for longer than some of my friends owned theirs.

That is not where you are though Wolf, you seem to like your current house, it is just a bit small so you need a bigger one that is just as nice. I dont think that is an obsession but agree keeping perspective is always wise. There will be another period hosue up for sale soon that is just as nice I am sure.

Original poster

wolfnipplechips · 21/07/2009 21:23

No precious what you say makes alot of sense. If i put my mind to it and saw it as a challenge maybe i could get over it. I think the whole thing is a bit more than just a house though, its a very grown up house IFYSWIM.

I didn't plan on settling down at all and was traveling around the world on my own when i met DH, moved to be with him, got pregnant, a pleasant suprise, didn't think i was the marrying type, apparently i am and now i find myself buying a house in suburbia its all just a bit what happened and when did DH and i become these people. I think i might feel like i was pretending. Maybe i might find i like being that person, i liked all the rest. AAAARRRGGGHH i can't decide.

OP posts:

noddyholder · 21/07/2009 21:30

I am in a house I didn.t 'love' after the one I did had a nightmare survey at the last minute and all fell apart.We bought this one as the money was all in one bank account and dp was panicking.it is my 11th renovation and I did a complete u turn about 4 months ago as I started to see it take shape and now really love it!So things do change.It is a period house though that was something I wouldn't compromise on

CMOTdibbler · 21/07/2009 21:32

Our last house was one I didn't love - and we had 5 perfectly happy years in it. So it doesn't have to be a disaster.

I think perhaps, this is more about your visions of yourself than about the house - sounds like you are clinging a bit to this boho image, rather than someone who has to consider walking to school and room for a trampoline.

And renovating houses must be a bit of a bore for the children tbh, so why not relish the time off

earlyonemorning · 21/07/2009 21:32

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for personal reasons.

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