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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For not wanting my fifteen year old to drink in a party?

65 replies

grabagran · 20/07/2009 12:38

Have just received a group text from a mum who is hosting her son's 15th birthday party, stating that she is offering each boy a few cans, unless parents object, and then there will be no alcohol.
My son was sick all night (along with another 3 of his friends, including birthday boy) after his last house party with parents present and where drink was allowed-some smuggled in vodka. I am in two minds, I can see that responsible drinking is sensible, and that if you don't give it to them at home they'll drink it in the park, but isn't this encouraging kids to drink? Also, if you don't want your ds to join in and so tell the mum this, you are becoming a party-pooper!DH says that he is prepared to reply that he objects, I am being the usual piggy-in-the-middle and trying to see all sides, but secretly resenting the fact that the onus has been put on us, so that blame can then possibly be opportioned ("We couldn't have booze because of JOSHUA'S mum saying no!!"). Any thoughts?

OP posts:
Haribosmummy · 20/07/2009 12:45

I have a 14YO DSD and we let her drink in moderation with us (well, with DH - I have a 1YO and am 39 weeks PG!!)

My view on it is this: My parents, point blank, refused to let me drink, socialise with boys, watch 18 rated videos (and often 15rated videos! ). They protected me to within an inch of my life. I went to Uni at 18, discovered all the things I'd been protected from and was VERY lucky not to get kicked out after Yr 1 (thankfully, was clever enough to get through enough of my exams). Ended up having Very questionable relationships with very questionable blokes. NOt to mention the most hidesously embarrassing event of my entire life when I really thought that having slept with my first BF (tender age of almost 21), that we would marry.

So, if you have a reason to believe your son is not adult enough to drink responsibily or have another good reason, then fair enough. ... If you are just going to try and put off the inevitiabe for aslong as possible, I'd say let him make a few mistakes now - rather than later.

Haribosmummy · 20/07/2009 12:46

I'd also like to say that parents who text / mail other parents to ask are doing a really great job.

My DSD's mother makes sure we don't know any of the other parents and therefore we never ask. We take the kids word for it.

famishedass · 20/07/2009 12:48

YANBU - if young people want to drink sensibly and in moderation then it's fine to let them. However, some, as you've described, don't seem to be able to, so yeah, I'd ban it.

You don't have to stop everyone else drinking though. Just tell your son he's not allowed.

MamaLazarou · 20/07/2009 12:52

YANBU

But getting pissed up on cheap booze is all part of being a teenager.

Ah, fond memories

noddyholder · 20/07/2009 12:53

My ds is 15 and was at an end of term party friday night.He has been to a few and come home completely sober etc even though he had had a few glasses of cider.This time his best friends mum had bought him 2 beers and so I asked ds what he wanted to do.he said could he have some cider so I bought 2 small bottles of fairly weak stuff and off he went.He came home with one still in his bag and he drank the other one.I think it is inevitable that they will drink so I decided to go with it and buy something decent-ish to avoid alcopops

BodenGroupie · 20/07/2009 12:54

YANBU - however well-intentioned, I'm pretty sure it's breaking the law to supply alcohol to kids that age. In my experience they won't all be satisfied with a couple of cans and will bring their own.

Difficult one though. I know my DD drinks in moderation but I've told her I won't condone it and she knows the consequences if she were to get drunk.

What does your DS say? Did his last experience put him off at all?

mumblechum · 20/07/2009 12:55

A few cans sounds a bit too much imo. DS is v. nearly 15 and he knows he's allowed to have one beer at parties. So far he's stuck to that (I don't think he actually likes beer & am not suggesting he tries anything tastier!)

I think the parents of your ds's friend should be limiting the beer to maybe 2 per person.

mumeeee · 20/07/2009 12:58

YANBU. Giving each boy a few cans is not encouraging them to drink sensibly.

pagwatch · 20/07/2009 12:58

MY DS1 had his birthday party last month and we provided some drinks ( about two each) on condition that all parents agreed - which they did.I also personally assured them that anyone who appeared drunk would be sent home to their parents in a taxi and not allowed to stay over.
The kids behaved really well and even helped tidy up

I think you have to gradually loosen the ties rather than keep everything strictly forbidden until they reach 18. But in my house I have a responsibilty to be in charge and establish boundaires ( whilst giving them space) and I expect other parents to do the same

BodenGroupie · 20/07/2009 13:07

Agree about loosening the ties, Pagwatch, the problem is that a lot of parents don't seem to set any boundaries at all.

What would you have done in OP's case if any of the parents had said no? Very difficult to single out one boy.

Original poster
grabagran · 20/07/2009 13:09

DS has not been informed as of yet,he will start nagging.Unfortunately he socialises with a lot of 15year old rugby players (who are physically mature) and there is a strong drinking culture with them. I don't know what a "few" beers means either.

OP posts:
motherinferior · 20/07/2009 13:13

Not unreasonable, but definitely unrealistic. Ditto sex, spliffs and general misbehaviour.

hatwoman · 20/07/2009 13:23

could you treat it as a bit of a test? ie talk to him and say he can drink 2 (?) cans; and that the parents in question have said they will keep an eye on them all; tell him how obvious it is if someone's drunk...that these parents they will know if anyone's sneaked in contraband etc. explain to him what drinking too much can do in both the short term and long term (including making you look like a plonker infront of your peers) and tell him that if he behaves responsibly at this party, sticking to your rules, then he will have shown himself to be responsible..to be growing up etc. and that you'll be able to trust him in the future. if he betrays your trust then...[insert suitable penalty?] - ie a bit of stick and carrot. [nb - big proviso - mine aren't teens yet - this is just my gut instinct based on my own teenage years...]

Mybox · 20/07/2009 13:26

Shocked that kids are being given alcohol at a party. Wouldn't let my kids be part of yob culture.

hatwoman · 20/07/2009 13:30

drinking isn't the same as yob culture. I drink. but I'm not a yob. and given some trust I'm sure there are 15 year olds who could have a single drink. possibly two. without turning into yobs - like at pagwatch's party. I think they're more likely to be yob-like about it if it's forbidden.

cat64 · 20/07/2009 13:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

mayorquimby · 20/07/2009 13:32

yep because as we all know, any drinking = yob culture

Haribosmummy · 20/07/2009 13:34

Oh, I love that attitude, MYbox.... Are you my mother????????

PLease read my initial post!

You CANNOT keep your kids away from it forever and, the longer time goes on, the worse it gets... because the responsible ones have moved on and no-one is really caring.

At what age do YOU think a child / young adult should experience alcohol?

What did YOU do as a child / young adult?

sleeplessinstretford · 20/07/2009 13:35

hmmmmmm- my box. How's the view up there from your ivory tower?
my eldest is almost 15,as far as i know she doesn't drink-i do know some\most of her friends do. We have had 'the talk' and i have had the results of her mates puking through drink. Whilst we don't condone underage drinking there's very little we can actually do other than give her the consequences (to herself in terms of danger\lowered inhibitions/personal safety etc.and also any consequences arising from 'if you arrive back drunk' that we'll impose)
it's going to happen,and i am not sure 'yob culture' is the right turn of phrase for 2 bottles of wkd and a can of cider.
OP-i would say that it's up to the kid-he might not be that arsed about it (and can ditch his share in a plant pot or whatever)
the parents hosting the party are being fairly responsible in asking your opinion first so i guess you have to hope they'll be responsible enough to watch them closely when they are at party. let me know how you get on!

Mybox · 20/07/2009 13:36

I wouldn't give kids (which 15yr olds are)alcohol - some people do and it's the choice of the parents concerned.

Haribosmummy · 20/07/2009 13:39

OK, Mybox - at what age is it acceptable and (if over 16) do you accept that your kids probably won't tell you (and neither will the police)

sleeplessinstretford · 20/07/2009 13:43

my box's kids will be happy with board games and classical music recitals until they go to cambridge (upon which they'll nail anything that moves but wont remember it as they'll have been too pissed... )

Haribosmummy · 20/07/2009 13:47

at *sleeplessinstretford8 - I have walked in those shoes

Tis not that pretty.

imaynotbeperfectbutimokmummy · 20/07/2009 13:48

Hmmmm, difficult one - Maybe you could explain your concerns re smuggled alcohol to the parents. TBH they would probably be more likely to do that if they don't have open access to it.

I guess the question you have to ask yourself is, do YOU allow your son to have any alcohol normally, if the answer is no and you don't want him to have it then you need to speak up. If you would normally allow say one can and you are worried about the volume of alcohol that will be there, just say that you are happy for him to have one can and no more. Tell your son, its one can and no more and if he takes the piss he'll be grounded!

The parents sound quite responsible tbh, at least they are checking with you.

Mybox · 20/07/2009 13:48

I just wouldn't have alcohol at a kids party.

I terms of learning about alcohol & drinking carefully a responsible family situation, at the right age and at the table with a meal imho is best - not a 15yr birthday party where there would be peer pressure to drink.

I have explained about drinking & smoking & drugs to my eldest & my dd is clear on matters.

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