For not wanting my fifteen year old to drink in a party?

[grabagran]

Have just received a group text from a mum who is hosting her son's 15th birthday party, stating that she is offering each boy a few cans, unless parents object, and then there will be no alcohol.
My son was sick all night (along with another 3 of his friends, including birthday boy) after his last house party with parents present and where drink was allowed-some smuggled in vodka. I am in two minds, I can see that responsible drinking is sensible, and that if you don't give it to them at home they'll drink it in the park, but isn't this encouraging kids to drink? Also, if you don't want your ds to join in and so tell the mum this, you are becoming a party-pooper!DH says that he is prepared to reply that he objects, I am being the usual piggy-in-the-middle and trying to see all sides, but secretly resenting the fact that the onus has been put on us, so that blame can then possibly be opportioned ("We couldn't have booze because of JOSHUA'S mum saying no!!"). Any thoughts?

Bodengroupie, i think you are right, however, if there is parental consent then i THINK its ok. Have had to have this discussion after my DD was so drunk she almost needed the hospital once. I did press charges against the guy who got her alcohol but it was a very different situation. I asked the police woman who took DDs statement about this, and her advice was to check with the parents

sleeepless - I remember at school being put in situations when I had to stand up for myself and say no. It's hard for kids to do but after a few times it gets easier to do. As a parent I still say no to what I don't agree with.

My ds is 13 and I had done far more than he has when I was his age. However I will still worry when he does do these things. DOnt envy you the dilema.

Haribo - you made me feel sad I dropped out of uni before I got the chance to go wild . My parents were similar to yours but only about sex - it would never have occurred to them that drink and drugs were available.

I think it's much harder for kids now [old lady emoticon]. I had a part-time job from the age of 13 but still couldn't afford alcohol and it certainly wasn't marketed at kids the way it is now - I won't have alcopops in the house, but wine is another matter.

Sleepless - any time your kids want to visit, that's fine by me!

OP - I think whatever you do, you have to keep the lines of communication open. Outright bans just make kids sneaky (well, they did me!)

mybox-i think you are well intentioned but ultimately a bit misguided.
I used to say no to shoplifting-i knew my parents would literally beat the shit out of me,i never said no to booze (and still don't to be honest)when we all started to experiment with drugs i was quite good at that too. teenagers experiment-i have tried to discuss sex and drugs and rock and roll with my eldest daughter (using the wrath of my mother as what will happen if she fucks up) i would like to think she respects me a bit-but i also know that every generation finds new ways to be challenging.

ROFL at Mybox.

Seriously . Yob culture?

The teenagers that came around sat in the garden and cooked bar-b-que. They came in occasionally to check that the music wasn't too loud for my middle son who has SN. At 10.00 my DS1 came in to tell us thatthey were turning the music off so as not to annoy the neighbours. They then sat in the garden cahtting until about midnight.
They all got up in the morning and helped tidy up. Some of them played ball with my DD. Several had to leave early as they had athletics meetings and cricket to attend.
Some of them chose not to drink anything as they had sport the next day ( including England schools qualifiers). Ds1 had a school cricket match but had two drinks.
without fail they each came to thank me and DH for the party and for breakfast.

If that is your definition of yob culture then it is a little different from mine.

Boden

I would never host a party where if one parent said no then none of the children could partake - reminds me too much of 'everychild staying in the hall until the child who whispered during assembly owns up' .

If I were OP I would reply saying that DS1 could drink (so that party could go ahead) and then tell him that I don't want him too.
he is my son and at 16 he does as he is told.
He wouldn't drink.

But at the party we had several who were allowed to drink but their parents told them only one. And some chose not to have any.

My ds is an only and tbh I have always dreaded this stage but it has been fine and we have talked it through and they do all drink at that age but it is literally one or two apart from teh odd one who does go silly(mostly the girls according to ds).They are still kids and experimenting is natural Today for example ds has just come back with 5 boys plus skateboards and they arwe eating sandwiches and crisps and drinking juice and laughing away still like the kids they are.The odd beer is nothing when they are so lovely the rest of the time!

pagwatch - your party sounds great - and gives me faith in teenagers - and in sensible parenting. I hope mine are like that/have friends like that as teens.

at Hatwoman
Actually I was a bit concerned that I made them sound like a bunch of Enid Blyton characters. But they are nice and i get annoyed that we give teenagers so little credit.

pag...did they have ginger ale

being honest...I hope when my DS is older he and his mates are even half as polite as your boys sound

Hmm- I have some great memories of drinking behind my parents back. Like the time when I stole a bottle of whiskey from their wardrobe and drank half of it! Needless to say I havn't drunk whiskey since! I'm not sure why they had it tbh.

YANBU but I don't think that the parents are being totally unreasonable either. If you are that concerned mabe your son shouldn't attend. I wouldn't mind so much if a 16 year old had a few cans at a party.

At least this isn't happening behind your back.

grabagran

My 15 year old son went to a party last year and when i saw the pictures on face book i was so angry, insensed.
The mother of the girl throwing the party...if thats what i can call her allowed her daughter to make vodka jellies.I mean trays full.How dare she give my son alcohol without my permission.
Beware they are lethal.50% vodka and 50% jelly in plastic disposable cups. There were approx 120 children from year 10. The pictures on facebook were of younsters throwing up in buckets absolutely drunk out of their minds,wkd's shorts and anything alcoholic in their hands,and one of them had an E tablet "accidentally" put in his drink and ended up in Intensive care on 2 drips and a defibrillator.He was virtually unconscious by the time the ambulance got to him.I am a really strict single mum and i dont quite get this generation wanting to get so drunk. CAN YOU NOT ENJOY YOURSELVES WITHOUT BEING BLOTTO. I banned my son from going to parties for 6 months as i was really scared of someone lacing his drinks.Trouble is if you put your foot down they will only go and do at another irresponsible parents house.
He went round to another friends house to watch football in the afternoon, earlier this year with 5 friends and the single dad had bought them a 24 pack of lager.
Do you parents want to kill your kids or give them pancreatitis from binge drinking. See some sense you stupid parents b4 u kill your children.

who are you talking to aly.
Who on here has advocated giving their child lots of alcohol?

We too have had the "talk" with our 15 yr old son and 14yr old daughter, pointing out consequences of overdoing anything, not just drinking.

When they go out we usually send them on their way with a "remember, we trust you", which actually is quite a burden to put on them I think - but which so far has worked! DH says that until they give us reason NOT to trust them, we should give them the benefit of the doubt. So far so good - 15yr old son enjoys one or two beers, and 14yr old daughter doesn't drink at all (although she has tasted beer and wine).

I think the parents sound reasonable and responsible - they're not banning drink, which might well lead to it being smuggled in, but also seem prepared to police the party to check that things don't get out of hand. Maybe your son will remember his previous all-night vom session only too clearly and drink sensibly this time.

Teenagers drink. And they do astonishingly stupid things. But trying to keep a leash on them is not going to stop things from happening. It sounds like the parents of your DS son are being responsible - allowing drinking but in a semi controlled way.

And at the risk of sounding blase, which I'm not, a few drink-until-you-puke-and-pass-out experiences are unlikely to do any lasting harm and are more likely to make a person that little more cautious in the future...

[although having said that, let's face the truth that most teenagers are unlikely to be mature enough to learn that lesson for a while. I certainly had to have it taught a few times! )

Pagwatch - have added your DS's name to my (very short) list of suitable boyfriends for my two DDs! I agree, most teenagers are lovely, I enjoy meeting my DDs' friends far more now than when they were little. My girls just make me promise to behave myself and not be "inappropriate" in front of them

Aly - I do get your point that there seems to be an expectation that they have to be drunk to have a really good time. DD1 once told me it's my own fault for making it look like such fun, and I would say I'm a very moderate drinker - I just dance a lot after a glass of wine.

For anyone who didn't see it, interesting thread (Psychomum?) on Teenagers a few months back - brought home quite how much harm they can do to themselves.

aly, you have obviously had a really frightening experience. Its horrible when they get so rat arsed, my DD was horribly drunk - as i say, this wasnt at a parents house. Interestingly, she is 19 now and hardly drinks at all (she does drink and occasionally gets drunk) but mostly just has one or two. I think she has "been there got the T-shirt".

The thing is, they will do it whatever you do - if thats their intention. On the two occasions my DD got horribly drunk (that i found out about!) this was during the day with her mates in the local park!

I agree with mybox. My children have been allowed to have sips of our wine and beer from the age of 10. Well actully on DD1 liked it. From the age of about 15 they have been allowed to have a glas of wine/beer at family parties. But I would not have liked them to have alcohol at a friends birthday party. Not all teenagers drink. DD3 17 doesn't like alcohol at all and she has tried it. DD2 19 has pccansionly drank to much but she now usually only has one or two drinks when she is out with friends, None of them have got much money. DD1 is 22 and has always drank sensibly.

Hi pagwatch my email was aimed at parents who let their youngsters drink and give our children drinks, not the sensible ones who want to stop their kids from liver damage.Just read my own message, not aimed at any one on here just the brainless mums who think its ok, to let them binge drink and even buy it for their minors. Sorry if it was misinterpreted.

Hi imaynotbeperfectbutimokmummy
thankfully it wasnt my son who was rat ars**.
The facebook pictures actually proved that and he was thanked by the mum of his best mate for keeping his best friend in the recovery position til the ambulance got there. He said his mate wud probably have choked on his own vomit if he had left him slumped on a chair.
My son has had drinks but now i read him the riot act b4 he goes to parties.
All it takes with susceptible people is one or two binge drinks and you can get pancreatitis or gastritis and when they drink all night on empty stomachs it is a recipe for disaster. God help them at university becos that is the new alcohol culture.
I wish the government wud stop putting out these so called safe units for men and women, there is no such thing,alcohol is a toxin and the way youngsters drink shots,down in one i am surprised they survive beyond university.

I know what you mean about university aly, i was a very rebelious teenager, but it wasn't until i went to university as a "mature" student that i really learnt how to drink!

I think alypaly is stating the unpalatable truth about many of these parties in certain circles. I have two older DC and have been through the teen years with them.

They have been pretty good, their friends are nice (like Pagwatch's etc) but these parties DO exist.Some teens get incredibly drunk, much more so than we ever did. I drink quite a lot even now, and the amount they get through shocks me, bottles of vodka before they go out etc. It may not be your teen at the moment but it could well be.

Sensible drinking is a good idea in theory but they all drink so much, that I am beginning to think with my youngest (age 13), I might actually suggest he doesn't have any at all. Thankfully at the mo, all the parties he goes to seem to be alcohol free with plenty of parents in abundance. I ask him regularly if anyone has alcohol. I am sure with my oldest DC, it wouldn't have crossed my mind anyone was drinking at that age!

My older two are fine, they have not developed a drink problem but some of their contemporaries have and it isn't nice to see.

of course parties where teens get blotto exist; as far as I can recall they existed 30 years ago; those who believe there was no drinking and drug taking in the 70s or 80s either have very short memories or were simply not around; those were the days when it was still considered socially acceptable even for responsible adults to down 3 or 4 pints and then drive home

dh's family still remember how he came back and dropped insensible on the carpet;

I would not be happy with this, but otoh I don't think I will be able to control how other people parent

I think I would tell my teen that it is his reponsibility not to drink more than he is allowed; suggest some sensible mode of action to him and make it clear that if you trust him to go to this sort of party, the responsibility of handling it is his; if he doesn't feel confident enough he will have to make some excuse and not go