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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not be a bridesmaid..

22 replies

Stardoll · 20/07/2009 10:42

My dear sweet sister is getting married and has asked me to be bridesmaid (she was mine).I told her No, only because..

1.I am 10 years older than the rest of the wedding party.
2.I have quite a few scars from an accident I had years ago and am so self concious about them.The dress she has chosen is lovely but I am just so freaked out by the situation.
3.I am travelling across the world to be there and will no doubt be quite jet-lagged.

I would just like to go and relax and be a part of her day without worrying for the next three months.She is now insisting in a nice way and saying that I am beautiful and she just wants me beside her.I just dont want to let her down.

OP posts:

watsthestory · 20/07/2009 10:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

HarrySaundersSphincter · 20/07/2009 10:52

Part of a bridesmaid job is to support the bride during the day though - and she wants you by her side. It's not just about looking pretty - although i'm sure you are far more lovely than you think (i have scars too due to metal pins etc. on legs) - it's about hand holding, dress straightening (esp after loo trips) and general support.

Is there any way you can be a 'matron of honour' and have a dress in a similar colour to bridesmaids that you are more comfortable in?

OhBling · 20/07/2009 10:52

Hard one. I sympathise with you but... it's not about you. You are her big sister and she wants you standing up next to her. Which I can understand.

Can you ask her to be a bit more careful about the dress choice? Or let you wear some kind of wrap? Some brides are very strict on all bridesmaids wearing the same thing but I think increasingly people are being more pragmatic about it.

filchthemildmanneredjanitor · 20/07/2009 10:52

i would be her bridesmaid. the dress doesn't matter one jot-what matters is that she loves you and wants her to be there to support her.

tell you can't wear the dress and that you will be her bridesmaid if you can wear something else

sazlocks · 20/07/2009 10:52

I would stand by my sister too - what an honour to be asked and how lovely for her to be so kind about it.

HarrySaundersSphincter · 20/07/2009 10:54

We all said the same thing .

Original poster

Stardoll · 20/07/2009 11:17

You are all right,I am just so nervous,the dress is pretty much set in stone,she has brought them all.I absolutely want to support her in every way I can but I will just feel so uncomfortable.

OP posts:

girlywhirly · 20/07/2009 11:28

I'm sorry you feel so anxious about your sisters' wedding.

I don't think age matters for bridal attendants, at my second wedding, my Matron of Honour was 51! 7 yrs older than me.

I understand how scars can affect self-confidence. I was scalded on my left shoulder at 10, and all through my teens I wouldn't wear tops that showed the scar. If the dress your sister has chosen will make you feel really uncomfortable, this will show in the photos, as all you will be able to think about is how people will react to the scars. I would try and get her to change this style of dress, if strapless or thin-strapped, find a stole or shrug for example to wear with it to hide the scars. Consider the possibility of special scar covering make-up, too. If she won't do this for her sister, she is being unreasonable.

I think that on the day, adrenalin will kick in with all the excitement and carry you through. Look at opportunities during the day to catch a sleep if you can, e.g. a quiet bedroom at someone's home, a hotel room depending on where you are.

I think you really need to talk with your sister again about your worries, and surely you can come to a compromise. But also remember that most guests will not view you as anyone other than the brides' lovely sister and bridesmaid, they won't be thinking about your scars.

expertinscunthorpe · 20/07/2009 11:30

If she's done it for you then I don't see how you can turn it down. Esp for reasons 1 and 3.

You need to talk to her about reason 2 and work out a solution.

HarrySaundersSphincter · 20/07/2009 11:34

Agree about getting caught up in the day. You might feel very left out if you don't - esp with you having been living away.

GoldenSnitch · 20/07/2009 11:53

I was a bridesmaid at my sister wedding despite still being quite overweight from the birth of my baby and having to stand next to her in her size 6 dress while I wore one that had been chosen by her size 8 maid of honor and made me look like a lamp shade!!

It was about her not me.

GrapefruitMoon · 20/07/2009 12:04

I had this a while back - would gladly have let my dd do it instead of me (she would have loved it!). But as sis had asked I felt I should say yes. I did put my foot down and insist that I had a dress that was appropriate to my advanced years though! We had a great day...

london0hull4 · 20/07/2009 12:56

Stardoll, I think you have to do what feels right for you. There's absolutely no reason why you can't do all the bridesmaid's "jobs" without actually being a bridesmaid.

I have twice turned down requests to be a bridesmaid (once for a close friend and once for my little sister). There's no way I could have done it, although I was more than happy to take on any tasks that needed doing and to help out in any way that was required.

On both occassions, the bride-to-be cared enough about my feelings, to understand that my own issues about how I look were insurmountable. I also think they were both grateful that I came out and said it up-front instead of messing them about nearer the big day.

If you think you can overcome your reasons for not wanting to do it, then I wish you all the very best and hope you have a wonderful time. But if not, don't beat yourself up about it. Your sister will understand if you explain it to her and won't love you any less.

VeryAnnieGertie · 20/07/2009 13:02

I've a bit of an "allergy" to bridesmaids - I can't think of anything worse. But it does sound like it's important to your sister.

As an alternative, could you talk to her about doing something else? - being a witness? a ring-carrier? doing a reading? My sis and SIL were ring-carriers at our wedding and came up and delivered the rings and stood beside us while taking vows etc without having to be dressed identically/co-ordinated to the cutlery etc. Or you could be matron-of-honour and have a totally separate outfit? Walk with her down the aisle? Our Mums and sisters did that too - they came in just before me and Dad and took their seats and just looked part of the wedding party without the co-ordination.

Do talk it through together - I'm sure she won't want you to be uncomfortable.

gigglinggoblin · 20/07/2009 13:03

If she has already bought the dresses it doesnt make any difference money wise if you say no or you say you want a different dress. You might find that the shop will give credit for the dress she has bought so you can choose something else that will fit with her scheme but keep you happy. Doesnt a matron of honour usually wear something slightly different? Might be the way to go. I wouldnt worry about 1 & 3

sleeplessinstretford · 20/07/2009 13:59

i was supposed to be being a bridesmaid for my little sister (i am ten years older than her) the dresses were being made from scratch and so the first set of measurements had to be taken when dd2 was only 4 months old and exclusively breastfed-so,my size J's were hoiked up,my enormous belly tucked in to start the measurements-sister wanted 'strapless' fitted dresses and i knew that my body would look vile in one so i just said to her 'i am not comfortable with this you know,would you mind if i did everything bridesmaidly but don't wear the dress/be in the pics?' i loathe having photographs taken and would just ruin all the official pics,she totally understood that and on the day i did her makeup for her and was the 'spare' person at mum and dads-pouring drinks,answering the phone etc etc. i did a reading and really enjoyed the day.
i am sure she'd understand that you aren't 'feeling' it

Original poster

Stardoll · 20/07/2009 14:47

Wow,thank you all so much.I know 1 and 2 dont matter and I think I am secretly making things up so I dont have to be.I love her dearly but think I need to put my foot down.I am not the type to do this but it really is a big issue for me.I will try all of the above.In fact I have a lovely dress that I have only worn once that might be acceptable.I know my family are so excited about seeing me,it has been quite awhile and I just want feel free of all this panic and enjoy all of my hard work that I had to do to buy tickets etc...You cannot know how much you are all helping.I very rarely talk to anyone about this. In day to day life I have no problems with my body and an extremely grateful for the one I have,I am just very shy and would be devastated if anyone commented or stared at me.This is going to be a beautiful wedding in such a gorgeous setting.Im going to call her when she wakes up and have a heart to heart.

OP posts:

Original poster

Stardoll · 20/07/2009 14:49

Sorry about spelling,am working in between so typing fast.

OP posts:

HarrySaundersSphincter · 20/07/2009 15:39

Will you let us know how it goes and what you decide?

Good luck!

VeryAngryGusset · 22/07/2009 09:27

Stardoll, how did you get on?

sleepwhenidie · 22/07/2009 09:38

sleeplessinstretford I came to the same amicable agreement with my sister as I was almost 9m pregnant when she got married and just would have felt so uncomfortable taking up most of the space in the photos and everywhere else for that matter. I am also pathetically over emotional at weddings (anyone's!) so at my little sister's, pregnant, I knew I would be a disaster! I was there for all the getting ready stuff though, did her nails and make up and travelled in the car with her and my dad. Everyone happy!

MamaLazarou · 22/07/2009 09:53

YANBU. Being a bridesmaid is not important. My aunt asked me, my mum and my sister to be hers, they accepted but I politely declined. No big deal, no tears, and we all had a lovely day.

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