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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

at being annoyed SIL forget DC's birthday

23 replies

sdr · 18/07/2009 08:13

SIL informed us a couple of months ago she'd no longer be sending presents (live in different countries) as it was "too much effort" and would only send a card. So DD12 got a card (late) for birthday and email. DD15 and DS8 both had birthdays in last fortnight and no card, phone call (which us and SIL always do) or even an email. Both sad they've been forgotten. Know I have to just let it go but need to get off my chest as very angry. DH is upset but had enough of his sister so is trying to forget about it.

OP posts:

Longtalljosie · 18/07/2009 08:46

YANBU - tell your SIL they were upset. She needs to hear the consequences of her actions.

Could you not from now on get a small pressie for your children "from" her - for their sake, rather than hers?

bigchris · 18/07/2009 08:52

I think yabu

the older the kids get the more birthdays don't hold the significance for other family members as they do you

if she lives in a different country do they even get to see her much? are they bothered about not getting one card or is it more you? It just ends up in recycling anyway

Original poster

sdr · 18/07/2009 08:52

I would love to tell SIL what I think, but DH is dead set against it. Am going to mention to MIL who is here in the country on holiday and back staying with us in a couple of weeks. She's disappointed that her daughter can't be bothered with her nieces and nephews. Small pressie is a good idea, but my DD's are old enough to be on to that. They don't care what they get, just that they're remembered - a phone call would do.

OP posts:

Original poster

sdr · 18/07/2009 08:54

bigchris - they're bothered that their Aunt doesn't want much to do with them anymore. I know I'm being over-sensitive but they only have DH's brother and sister. My brother died a few years ago, so reliant on DH's family to provide the extended family.

OP posts:

bigchris · 18/07/2009 08:57

I can see you're upset but you just can't force your SIL to have a relationship with your kids if she isn't that bothered, it seems a bit mean to bitch about her to MIL

plimple · 18/07/2009 09:00

People have busy lives and who knows what's going on with your sister in law living in another country. If you think your children will be bothered then you can remember for her. Send an e mail or do a skype call a day or so before and say that they'd love a call on their birthday, or can you call her at such and such a time to speak to them.
Don't assume she doesn't care, she probably does, just assume she's too busy and may need your help to be the good aunty she'd like to be.

FlappyTheBat · 18/07/2009 09:01

Depends on whether she has had much to do with them in the past?

If she has, then yanbu as it is unfair on children to cut contact.

On the other hand, if your sil is like me, then I don't send any presents as we have nothing to do with dh's siblings/step siblings children at all. They live as far away from us as you could possibly get so never see them or have any contact with them.
Don't even know where one of his siblings are staying as they never gave us their new address.

I said to dh that if he wanted to send presents out, then he could as his family, his responsibility.

SlartyBartFast · 18/07/2009 09:05

my sister always forgets
we have got used to it
i never forget her dc's
but c'est la vie

Original poster

sdr · 18/07/2009 09:06

In the past she's always been very actively involved with our kids as we are with hers. Would send the older ones emails just to catch up. DH spoke to her on the phone the other night and she'd only talk about her DC's, changed subject when he brought our kids up. So guess we just need to let it go. And I don't go bitching to MIL - MIL is the one that has been going on and on about her annoyed she is at her daughter's attitude to the family (MIL included). Guess SIL's life is going down another track and family no longer important.

OP posts:

SlartyBartFast · 18/07/2009 09:08

yanbu to be sad.
i am always sad and disappointed for my dc's, sometimes she remembers their birthdays at christmas but some people do have problems with the memory regarding this, or it may nto seem so important to her.

MummyDragon · 18/07/2009 16:10

YANBU but I really don't think you should involve your MIL.

crokky · 18/07/2009 16:57

Like others have said, you shouldn't involve your MIL. Even if MIL is not offended by what you've said, SIL probably will be.

You can't force a relationship with someone who (for whatever reason) doesn't want it. There might be no good reason, but also she is so far away that there might be a very good reason that you have no idea of. DH's only sibling (BIL) doesn't give a crap about anyone in the family and sees us/his parents at most once a year (perhaps only once every 2 years sometimes). I cannot understand what makes him tick, I have no idea what he does with his life (200+ miles away). He was made godfather to both our DCs (at DH's insistance, other godfather and godmother are heavily involved - my brother and sil) but he still does not see them ever. In fact the first and only time he saw DD was at her christening and he has seen DS on only one other occasion. He never sends either a birthday/christmas/christening card/present or anything so I just leave him be.

PixiNanny · 18/07/2009 17:41

My uncles girlfriend gave card w/ money to both of my sisters one year for Christmas (I was 15/16 at the time, they were 14 & 18/19) yet I didn't even get a card. I'm the one she doesn't like as her daughter is the same age as me and we never got along rolls eyes My Mum, aunt, great aunt and Nan ganged up on her, my aunt being the drunk of the family. It was very entertaining for something that was in my defense

PixiNanny · 18/07/2009 17:42

My point being that you should tell the other siblings and the parents, they'll help you out at the next family get together lol

Blondeshavemorefun · 18/07/2009 17:44

shame sil forgot - but i wouldnt expect her to have to send pressies as often postage is more than the pressie

though she could send money/po if she wanted to

i would send an email/card and mention what you have been up to and then say dd and ds both had a nice time on their birthdays ....

plimple · 19/07/2009 09:53

Once past 11 I send my neices and nephews a fiver as I wouldn't have a clue what they'd want. The under 11s get presents for a couple of quid and the postage is at least that. Only half of my siblings remember my DDs birthday and maybe 1 will remember mine!

BiscuitStuffer · 19/07/2009 14:03

We're in a similar position is it REALLY annoys me. It's not the present or the card but as you say, being remembered.

So sad.

saggyjuju · 19/07/2009 19:11

my sister is the sister of all sisters,she thought it was clever to send my oldest from my first marriage his christmas card and present and they were hand delivered by my nephew in front of my two other children who are 6 and 4 who didnt get one,how sick is that!

MIAonline · 19/07/2009 19:17

YANBU, she has built up a realtionship with your DC ove rthe years and unless so ething amjor ahs happened there is no excuse for her letting them down.

If she had always been like this and your DC were younger I would still say YANBU, but that you had to just let it go. However, I would mention their birthdays in the next email and see if the penny drops.

mumeeee · 20/07/2009 13:10

YABU. I still haven't given my nephew his birthday present and he was 10 in April. I just completly forgot and my sister is fine about it.

MIAonline · 20/07/2009 18:58

Your sister might be, but what about your nephew?

saggyjuju · 20/07/2009 20:22

really really feel for him,he did the right thing,he's only 16 and bought his own seperate card,a cousin one and inside wrote all of their names,not singling out the one. sometimes its the kids that show how the adults should behave! now if i was a sil i could understand if my oldest was from say their brother,and my 2 younger ones from another bloke,but not the case shes my sister

canttouchthis · 20/07/2009 20:31

talking to your MIL about this issue, will just make you out to be childish. Probably best to leave that out.

As others have already said, children get to that age where others don't send cards or presents for birthdays. don't be offended.

There could also be a legit reason for why there were no cards. Maybe your SIL was busy?? When this happens, so many things just fall by the way side.

Flip