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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to say something about car seat?

29 replies

Devongirl · 17/07/2009 13:25

We went out with a friend yesterday and her son's car seat is clearly fitted wrong. He can get his hands out very easily and will not sit with the straps over his shoulders properly mainly because they are so loose due to being too high at the back, so he is more comfortable to bring his hands through and over the straps. This is so dangerous and having seen a particularly horrendous crash test dummy video at a Tescos seminar, I really have a problem with this. I told her that it was fitted badly but she wasn't bothered at all and just shrugged. I told her to take the seat back to Mothercare to check the fitting but she shrugged again.

I really worry about it especially because she also uses the phone while driving too which I had to ask her to stop yesterday. If she has a crash I think the car seat might actually do more harm than good the way it is at the moment.

Can I have advice - would you say anything else or am I just being overly nosey/cautious/worried? Be honest, I can take it!

OP posts:
MIAonline · 17/07/2009 13:43

YANBU, but You have told her, she wasn't interested. At least you cared, if is she can't be bothered too.

MIAonline · 17/07/2009 13:45

Agh that made no sense, but you know what I mean. I am suffering from an unusual inability to spell, punctuate or even create a simple sentence today IABU to continue posting!

Pingpong · 17/07/2009 13:46

you are in charge of your child and she is responsible for hers. You have offered some advice and she has chosen not to take that on board (right now). That is her choice and she may well reflect on your advice and take it. I think you have to back off and leave it be.
FFIW I hate being told what I have to do!

Original poster
Devongirl · 17/07/2009 13:47

No I know what you mean. I know I've tried but I can still see an accident happening then I'll know I didn't do enough. Gnnnnn I am cross with her - I woke up in the night thinking about it!

OP posts:
Sheeta · 17/07/2009 13:47

Please say something to her, or maybe get a car seat fitting leaflet from somewhere?

here at the bottom of the page there is a number. You could get one sent to her?

Original poster
Devongirl · 17/07/2009 13:49

Yes Smac, you're probably right... in all other ways she's a capable woman so I guess it's totally up to her, she probably doesn't need advice from me, so I suppose I've got to bite my tongue (never easy for me )

OP posts:
BicycleRider · 17/07/2009 14:03

I had to say something to my brother the last time I visited him, his son was in a seat clearly too small for him, installed wrong (too loose), twisted straps... aargh! I just said, 'you know that seat's too small for him, right?' and left it at that. So hard not to pull it out, re-install it yourself, and fit the kid in it though!

youtube has videos of crash tests if you wanted to search for them, you could maybe email one to her?

mummypig · 17/07/2009 14:09

Devongirl I have been in a very similar situation with my neighbour, and I quite understand how worried you must be.

My neighbour used to give my ds2 regular lifts to an after-school class, and once I came with them and realised they were both sitting with their arms over the strap that is supposed to be over their shoulders. I thought they were just messing around and told ds2 off in no uncertain terms, then she came into the car and said she let them do it because it hurt them otherwise . She did say that she'd only just changed her son's car seat
(from the one with the integral straps) so I thought maybe she just didn't understand the way it worked. I pointed out that it wasn't safe that way and after our discussion I thought she'd taken on board, but then another time when I let her drive ds2 somewhere I saw her doing exactly the same thing - actually putting his arm over the strap herself.

I'm afraid that now I just avoid letting her take ds2 in the car. I hope she never gets into a car crash and it is very worrying but I don't feel I can push it any more.

Dp and I are very strict about seat belts and straps and if any of our kids get their arms out we stop the car and tell them we're not going anywhere until they are safe again. They seem to have got the message. But I'm aware that other people just don't see it as such an important issue.

MovingOutOfBlighty · 17/07/2009 14:12

Devongirl, you aren't talking about Karen are you?

It sounds like a friend of mine from Devon!

Original poster
Devongirl · 17/07/2009 14:31

Hi Moving, thankfully no it isn't a Karen. This must be more common than I'd thought though. Mummypig that's what I would do if my DS got his arms out - we do it in his buggy even, if he tries to get out. I am much stricter with most things than my friend though, but I don't see that as a problem - she's not laid back because that's her parenting style, more because she can't be bothered. Even writing these messages out is making me crosser with her now. My DS won't be going in her car anyway if she thinks it's ok to be on the phone with him in the car, but it's her DS I'm worried about.

I know we used to go in the boot of our car when we were kids but roads were quieter and the research hadn't been done. It makes me really angry that she's just ignoring advice, it's such lazy parenting imo.

OP posts:
alittlebitfat · 17/07/2009 14:40

Ive been in a similar situation and I also said something. I get a real bee in my bonnet about car seats, its not difficult to get the right advice, just lazy.

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 17/07/2009 14:42

I would report her to the police.

BradfordMum · 17/07/2009 15:36

I'm a childminder and one of my little ones used to sit perfectly well in my car in my car seat, but as soon as he got into his mums car/car seat, he'd shrug off the arm straps.

I told her numerous times he ought to put his arms in, but she always shrugged it off, saying he wouldnt keep them in.

HE DID IN MY CAR, I kept saying. Because I MAde sure he did, and he knew I was really cross if he even tried to take them out.

Some parents just dont seem to care.

BicycleRider · 17/07/2009 16:10

I just don't understand why it's so hard to make sure your child is strapped in properly. DD1 screamed blue murder everytime her bum touched the maxi-cosi but we still put her in it until she outgrew it. Just tried not to use the car too much.

Plenty of people make different parenting choices than me, I don't judge (much ) but when it's car seat issues I just want to shout YOUR CHILD COULD DIE. But you can't because then you're criticizing them. Aargh.

Original poster
Devongirl · 17/07/2009 16:18

EXACTLY! It's a really tough call about what to say but I really feel I can't let it lie. Going to have a good think about this over the next few days (I know it won't be too late as she's away without her DS this weekend!)

OP posts:
glammam · 17/07/2009 16:47

Definitely say something again, she is horrendous! I am really paranoid about car seats and i have reinstalled both my mum's and mil's and i always check straps if someone else straps my son in. I just think you are transporting the most important thing in your life around, you want it to be safe. As for being on the phone; i rang the police about a woman who was tailgating me while laughing into a handheld mobile and with the other hand she was making conversational hand gestures! So she wasn't even holding the wheek and she was inches from my rear end. Police can't do anything unless she kills someone. Anyway, you must make sure your friend understands the dangers, she sounds like she is just really blase about things. If it is waking you in the night I think it's serious and for your own sanity, tell her til you're blue in the face! At least then if the worst ever happens, you'll know you did your best. I really don't get how people can be so thoughtless about their own children's safety!!!

glammam · 17/07/2009 16:48

wheel!

Blondeshavemorefun · 17/07/2009 17:50

you HAVE to say something again about seat and using phone

if the car is in an accident, her son could die

would you be able to forgive yourself knowing you hadnt said anything/tried again?

Original poster
Devongirl · 17/07/2009 18:04

I'm thinking the same thing - it's sort of worrying me more as the day has gone on really. I'll see her on Monday I think and will definitely work it into the conversation. It is way too important to let a silly thing like friendship get in the way (what sort of a friend would I be if I didn't try again?)

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 17/07/2009 18:09

i wouldnt even wait till then and i wouldnt try and work into conseravtion

but be blunt about it

when you see her

tell her everytime she is using her car she is risking her childs life

i cant believe she doesnt seem to be bothered even after you have told her its unsafe

what kind of crappy paraent is she

BicycleRider · 17/07/2009 18:41

This site has good info on car safety.

It has always seemed strange to me that otherwise caring parents can be so blase about car seats. It took DH a long time and some horrifying statistics before he realized how important it is to get the kids in their seats properly.

Crash test videos can be pretty convincing. I would link you some but I can't search for them, it makes me feel ill.

shigella92 · 17/07/2009 19:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DebiNewberry · 17/07/2009 19:55

you have told her, she ignored you.

telling her again is extremely unlikely to cause her to change her behaviour.

girlsyearapart · 17/07/2009 20:05

Tell her again and maybe try to adjust the seat yourself in a sort of take charge/ here let me just show you bossy way. DD1 22mo has just started to take her arms out of her straps. Have stopped car tightened straps to within an inch of her life and given her a huge lecture on how the car seat is not a choice. don't know how much she took in but hey.. Devongirl if it's keeping you awake you need to do something about it, if it ruins your friendship was it worth it to begin with?

sazm · 17/07/2009 23:22

i think it's just one of those things,some people just dont think about it,
i am VERY fussy about the whole car seat thing,mine would NEVER be in the car without a decent seat,
my sister has happily sat her kids in just normal boosters from 2/3yo rather than putting them in highbacked ones (which were sitting in her garage)as the kids preferred being able to move around in them,and didnt like the high backed ones,
she just says,oh they will be fine,when i was little no-one even had car seats,she drives me mad lol,
my brother in law insists on using old scabby car seats that have been in 3 accidents instead of buying new ones,
theres just no telling some folks,
i've also noticed at the lovely little country school ds will be starting in august,there are SO many fancy £25k cars (farmers lol) with an old cushion sitting in the back seat instead of a car sear,
my scabby £500 car sits beside theirs with carseats worth more than the car lol!