To resent being pressurised into forking out £10 for a present for the teachers?

[Spidermama]

I was just pondering whether to bake somethng for the teachers this year or buy some wine when another mum marched up to me in the playground yesterday and said, 'Hello Spiderboy's mum. We're organising a collection for the teachers so that they don't get a load of rubbish Everyone's giving £10'.

Of course at the time I said, 'Yes OK. I haven't brought money today but will bring it tomorrow.'

I've had rising irritation ever since. I have four children and we're pretty hard up. We're not having a family holiday this year (unless you count visiting DH's family in Birmingham) and given that I have 4 children, all of whom have teachers to buy presents for, I really wasn't planning to fork out this much.

However, as I was asked in public and told 'everyone is giving £10' I felt too embarrassed to say 'no thank you'.

Would it be unreasonable of me to change my mind and tell her today I'm making my own arrangements?

Now I regret it not just because of the money but because of the public way I was asked. I feel pressurised. Last time I was this short of money I baked them all a loaf of bread and it went down really well.

YANBU. The Mum who approached you like this was being crass and insensitive.

A few years ago something like this happened to us. DDs teacher was leaving and one of the Mums decided to organise a collection and approached the Mum's she knew best for £10. I was a bit taken aback but paid up anyway.

Thing was DD had helped me make some home-made lemon curd and she had written the labels herself (she was only 6 at the time) and planned to give teacher a jar for a pressie.

On the last day of term I was a bit concerned that when teacher was handed her £100+ of Next vouchers it would overshadow poor little DD going in proudly with her jar of lemon curd. Thankfully teacher was a lovely woman who made a big fuss of it and told DD how she loved lemony things.

My DS left nursery yesterday. He took his teacher a card and a box of chocs he had chosen himself.
I don't do the school run, but on Monday, when I know she'll be in for teacher training, I am going to phone her and thank her personally for all the support she has given my DS. As a teacher myself, I know for certain that this will mean more than any amount of vouchers.
We don't work for presents, folks. It's lovely to recieve them, but only because it means we're appreciated. Vouchers given under duress would mean nothing to me.

DS's teacher this year got a couple of bottles of ale and a card. Usually I go for a bottle of wine (not least because it's easy for them to pass on if they don't want it), but DS was adamant that it should be beer because his teacher likes beer and has a beer fridge (some of the stuff he knows about his teacher is really odd). He was really delighted giving it to her, and she seemed pleased. She's been a great teacher for him and he's really enjoyed being in his class.

Last year his teachers got absolutely nothing because they were frankly dreadful, made no effort whatsoever to get to know him, did nothing to help with his SEN, talked to me like I was a pupil (this is my personal pet hate), etc, etc. DS was thoroughly miserable in their class and started really hating school. Unfortunately he seems to have been allocated these same two teachers for next year (so I'll have to wait and see how things go next term).

I guess what I'm saying is that teachers shouldn't expect a present, and parents shouldn't feel they have to give one. I chose to get one this year (and any other year I've gotten one) because the teacher had made such a big difference to DS this year. I'd also like to think that the teachers would pool/share their presents with the other staff in the school. I have no idea who the TAs etc in DS's class are, or even how many there are, but I'm pretty sure they deserve presents as much as the teachers.

What irks me is that the organiser often takes all the credit for the present, although everyone's chipped in. They get to present the gift to the teacher and say thank you on everyone's behalf. I don't think that's on and strikes me that they've taken on the task to serve their own ends.

I think the present should be from the child. If the parent has put some money in an envelope they are depriving the child of the experience of giving a gift to show thanks. Giving like this is completely pointless in my opinion.

ds likes to give flowers or chocolates as for some reason these are the only things he thinks ladies like. He enjoys choosing, wrapping and presenting the gift. I never spend over a fiver.

I have done the collection at our school for the last few years as it is defined as one of the "class rep" roles at our school.

It is ALWAYS optional how much to give and whether to give or not. £10 is a lot!

We hand out typist labels for the children to name and decorate so that they all have some input. Several people give back the labels but no money, which is fine. We stick all those in a card.

I buy based on what money I receive. I try to make it as personal as I can. e.g. this year DS's teacher is going to New Zealand on holiday so we got her crisp new NZ dollars from the bank.

I usually get wine, flowers, or whatever as well depending on what numbers I'm making up to.

There were eight items to hand out this year, and I gave them to each of the first seven mums at school to give to their child to hand over (and yes, fircone, I did let DS give the eight item - but I had put several hours work in so I don't think that was too unreasonable).

The only time I ever "nagged" anyone was one year when I had 29 out of 30 pictures back. I thought she might be embarrassed to be the only one not involved, so called and said that if she emailed me a picture of her son I'd make it into a label to stick in. Never asked her for money though.... She was very grateful (or at least claimed to be!).

My DCs have attended 2 different schools where things are done very differently. One where there is always a whip round of at least £10 plus more for classroom assistants. Then they buy vouchers and flowers. At the other school there is no collection, people just do their own thing. Having seen both of these going on, I prefer the personal approach. OK, with the collection, the teacher gets a really great present but it is much nicer giving something from you personally as your thanks for that teacher's hard work, and getting a personal thank you. YANBU to say you have changed your mind.

Gawd. I'd rather go for a weekly smear test than be a class rep.

If anyone had asked me for a £10 contribution I would've told them to stick it. DS's teacher got a box of G&B chocolates and a thank you card and she seemed pleased enough with it.

It's time to stop the insanity

A homemade card and heartfelt thanks should do it

It's outrageous that anyone should have pressure put on them to contribute a tenner -a tenner! I mean that's £300! Surely that's going to be almost embarrassing for a teacher?

With 2 job-share teachers and a TA I thought it would be cheaper to ask for a £5 donation to a group present than to pay for a small individual present. I went to one of those pottery painting shops and got a couple of plant pots, then got the children to write their name and a small picture on. I then took them back to the shop and painted over the kids' stuff for the shop to fire and glaze (the pencil burns off). The pots look good and we had enough money to also get plants for them and vouchers - I hope the teachers like them. They can take them home or keep them in the classroom.

About 25 contributed out of 30 which is fine and most people seem to be grateful!
BTW I'm not doing it for any credit...

I am one of the mad over-generous parents, I reckon. J's teachers and TAs put up with so much physical and verbal abuse and disruption from him, but still manage to be so positive about him and to him, that I do tend to spend a lot at this time of year. Main 1:1 and teacher this year are getting £20 health club vouchers each, some nice bath stuff and wine, and J has designed one of those photo mugs for each of them on a website, with photos of him and a nice message.

So a lot spent, but they do a lot, and I can afford to - tis factored in to my spending for the month (and made up for by the fact that I pay no childcare in the summer holidays as I am off work as I am a teacher).

I think people should only give what they can afford and, OP, YANBU - how rude!

I've never taught in a school where there has been any sort of parental collection, enforced or not. Small presents from most of the pupils, yes. Preferably things that can be eaten, read or grown.
I think it's a Bad Thing for dominant and domineering types to go around organising other people, especially if the individual approached is put on the spot. Horrible.
I wonder if her child is as bossy and dictatorial?

When we lived in the US, the norm was to have a collection for the teacher and then the class mom would go out and buy something. It would usually be something that the teacher requested for the classroom.

At my DDs' preschool in the US, they had an exceelent system at Christmas. They would put a Christmas tree out in the car park with disks (baubles) hanging from it. One each one, waa a request for something for the eschool, eg percussion instruments (I remember that one, because that is the one I took). Each parent selected what they most wanted to give and then fulfilled it.

If you didn't want to give anything or wanted to give your own thing, you were still welcome to do so.

I think that if you are giving something, you should really think about what the recipient would want, rather than what you would like to receive if the tables were turned.

For teachers, they generally spend a huge amount of their own money on school supplies. There are things that are nice to have in your classroom but that you can't put in a budget request for (the pencil sharpener that someone else mentioned is a prime example). These are things that benefit your DCs, so an end of year present in this direction would be something the teacher would truly benefit from, personally.

Sorry, but a loaf of bread wouldn't do anything for me.

Scones with jam and cream would be an excellent present for the new school year. We always get loads of goodies handed in at the start of our school year, with parents even making special trips on our inset days.

You really can't go wrong with a tin of biscuits for the staff room, especially if your DCs have several teachers or TAs.

No, yanbu. At our school everyone put in £5 (we have a jobshare situation so 2 teachers), didn't include the TAs simply because there are quite a lot and it becomes a bit much.

I think your idea of a loaf of home baked bread is a winner and shows a lot of thought. Don't feel pressurised, we have a mum just like this and I just keep well away, do what you feel is right and congratulate yourself on not always running with the crowd.