to have bought my first packet of cigarettes to drink with some Baileys in the daytime as a secret Vs up to my dh?

[HoneyDue]

I am rebelling because my dh does not care for me so I'm secretly smoking and drinking as a form of rebellion against him.

Well, if you are a SAHM with three DCs, it is highly likely that you would get custody of the children and the house (though GET A SOLICITOR if you're planning on leaving him).
As others have said, by smoking and drinking baileys, you're only hurting yourself. Take up jogging or sluch like and become super fit. Or buy lots of shoes on his credit cards. If you're secretly getting drunk during the day, it's bound to come out and could be used against you at a later stage.

such like. I have no clue what sluch is

Leaving him and making agod life for yourself is the best revenge you can get.

I hate him, he can't help himself and is just horrible day in day out. He doesn't mind me going out and he babysits so if I divorce him what do I lose? My babysitter! (and my house)

Men would not look at me because of my scar and yes, you're right, I only have a tiny tipple and one drag of the cigarette (it tastes disgusting and it even makes me lightheaded)

I used to be such a feminist at uni but my options for rebelling have dried up with dc being on the scene.

My parents are coming up for the op. I feel like a child because he treats me badly. I do have a sense of humour though and enjoyed mouthing fk off b...d at him once his back was turned and getting into the car.

A sense of humour keeps me sane so those horrid suggestions of what I can do were great.
More please!

You don't know for sure that you're going to lose your house. If you made any financial contribution towards it, or did things like fix it up etc., the courts view this favourably. Is it all in his name? Is that why you're worried?

As the saying goes, the best revenge is to live well.

if you are divorced from a normal person (ie not an adusive one) they normally have the children some of the time don't they?

So you could go out even more!

Seriously though if he is horrible all the time and making you feel crap you need to have a serious think, I wouldn't be able to stay with someone like that.

And a descent into chain smoking alcoholic mummying would be neither fun nor constructive.

OMG

Get a degree in something that's going to get you a well-paying job through Open University or your local university mature student programme.

Join a gym and get fit as you can be.

THEN leave him and you won't lose your house.

jesus-is baileys even booze?
as for the fags? come on- i bet you don't even inhale them.
Mouthing at the back of his head is pathetic.
if you are going to rebel do it properly-you know,crack pipe,vodka and let him find some 18year old nuts deep in you when he gets home-that should do it...

If this is real I can sympathise because I started to smake as a wierd little rebellion against my ex H. But it was all downhill from there. (Well, to a point).

After the op, get a job and then if he is still an arse you can leave and have money.

as 'used to be a feminist', don't be silly, you can be anything you want, and if you are not a feminist now, what are you??? Pro male domination? Personally inferior? A scientist?

SMOKE dammit! I have never smaked, not to my knowledge anyway...

I have a degree but it's not vocational and because I live in a high stress environment I know I can not take any more, so that rules out teacher training or social work, the 2 things I would actually enjoy (if they were stress free occupations)

I am also out of catchment for dc school which means I have to drive so doesn't leave time for a job. I feel trapped.

You have a degree and a driving licence. You already have a heck of a lot more options than many women in unhappy marriages. Stop making excuses. Listen to custardo and others. Know your rights

Have you actually had an adult conversation with your husband about the way that you feel? Because as fun as it is to stick your fingers up at him behind his back etc its not really benefitting you in any way is it?

Its not really doing anything positive or really making you feel better is it?

You are still in the same situation and its only going to get worse if you don't communicate.

How old are your dcs?

Is this the type of relationship you want for them as a role model?

At some point you are going to need to sit down and have a grown up adult conversation with him about your relationship. Whether you do it now and try to resolve your problems or in the presence of a solicitor at some point in the future is up to you.

Ultimatley you are not trapped in anything in this life, there is always an element of choice in everything that we do.

I agree that he sounds like a tosser if he's more concerned about work than your op but quite frankly that in itself speaks volumes about the state of your relationship.

I can't imagine any of this occuring between my partner and I.

I am not saying this because I am trying to upset or sound smug, but for goodness sake we live together because we love one another and go out of our way to help each other on our way through life - not to try to hurt one another.

I know very little about relationship councelling but it sounds to me as tho your relationship needs lots of help at this point.

To smoke & drink as "revenge" against him is just bizarre, and far more of a cry for help than any other form of teenage rebellion.

I think you should speak to your gp if you are feeling this low. There are people who can help you.

Don't waste your money on fags and drink, develop expensive taste in shoes and hand bags.

this reads like a mad men episode.

chuck him out, keep the house. win win. alternatively talk to him.

Thank you for all your replies, it has given me food for thought. Dh and I dislike solicitors because they ultimately benefit from divorcing couples and while it is not pleasant now I feel it could get so much worse. We do not have a lot of money. My garden is my sanctuary.

I am up to my limit to what I can cope with right now and the petty rebellion thing just tides me over. Sometimes it's not so bad. But the thing which surprises me is that my dh really has no shame in being so rude and uncaring.

I can't help but contrast him with my family who would go out of our way to help others. My dh's family are not like that at all.

After I have arranged for my parents to come to stay for my op my dh now says he doesn't think he will go to the first meeting after all. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

He would like it if I worked and regarding childcare he says sort it. But I cover for him when he's called to mtgs and if the dc are ill. There would be no cover for me in those situations, half term etc.

I would love to work but my hours are so limited because of preschool, dc taxiing etc and no childminders in our (very rural)area I find my self confidence is greatly diminished. I was even rejected for the posts of dinner lady/ta because I was told I really was overqualified. My dh doesn't want me working for peanuts either, he tells me to go back to my consultancy work which is what I did pre dc.

But the thing is, I was able to focus then and I had confidence then, also no dc to worry about. Now I need to pick up dd at noon and ds at 3pm everyday and I do not know of any job that can work around those restrictions,(not forgetting half terms and holidays).

We also have no family nearby to help. I can't stand the way he says millions of others manage it, you can too. OK, if he is right and I am forming obstacles in my head,
who can figure out a way forward for me?

Your family sound very supportive, where does he work? Could you move?

And what is this about "Dh and I dislike solicitors because they ultimately benefit from divorcing couples"??? Are they his words or yours?

You sound very isolated and miserable. drinking small measures of baileys and smoking half a fag when you don't even like it isn't going to get you very far.

Are there any garden centres around you could do a few hours a week maybe. Although would be min wage would get you out the house and might help confidence. Sounds like they might snap you up if you know your stuff.

I can't do lifting or bending because of the hernia which rules out a lot of physical jobs. I've even found poorly paid jobs oversubscribed because of the credit crunch in our area.

Dh resents me not working. I dislike being sahm but I don't see much option until the dc are older.

Read a thread about leaving your dh and it says do not move out, get your dh to move out. But my dh would never go as I've asked him before. He would never hurt me because he knows it would work against him.

How can I get him to go when he refuses to go and has not physically hurt me?

My husband had an op for hernia and he does a physical job. Once it's healed, it's, um, healed. I went out with a guy who had an op for a hernia and he worked as a nurse, a pretty physical job. He also played football on a local league and was a fitness fanatic.

It's not a permanent disability.

And the scar is only about a long as the one from his appendectomy (he had to have an open incision and not keyhole).

Ok, I have to say I understand the sentiment. I guess you have to be in a particular place...

Well, if the Baileys doesn't make you sick, the first time you inhale the carcinogenic stick, the chances are it will.

FFS, I was 13/14 years old when I decided to become all rebellious and start smoking, "drinking cigarettes" isn't really something that an adult would do to gain revenge on a partner!

I did not expect to get pains after a hernia repair either but hopefully this 2nd op will work. (Men's hernias are more straightforward I believe.) Mine was inguinal which made my back so weak I spent a month paralysed from the waist down when dd was 8 months old.

I wanted to strengthen my core muscles after the hernia repair with Pilates but the adhesions made it impossible but at least I haven't had a slipped disc since the 1st op.

Dh thinks it's all just excuses anyway and of course he's right about that. When a husband says 'I earn all the money' and relies on me for laundry, cooking etc what does that make me, a volunteer?