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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask people not to smoke around me when I'm pregnant??

20 replies

muuuum1983 · 11/07/2009 23:27

I am 27 weeks pregnant, most of my hubs family smoke and have done throughout their pregnancies. They find it laughable that I do not want to be smoked around and make comments when i go to leave the room when they light up. They say, "you want to get it ready for the real world" or "it never did us any harm!"
My family live 300 milesaway and I find it quite hard to say anything back as they are quite loud people. I don't reall know a lot of people in this area and this new family are all I really have. So should I stop visiting? or how can I get around this!!!??

OP posts:

JudyBlume1019 · 11/07/2009 23:30

You can't really ask them not to smoke unless they're in your home. Anywhere else then it's up to them.
Meet them in restaurants, pubs and bars which are non smoking. Don't go to their places, but invite them to yours so they don't think you're falling out with them.

JudyBlume1019 · 11/07/2009 23:30

btw, I sympathise. Can your dh talk to them?

GlastonburyGoddess · 11/07/2009 23:31

umm, dps family the same. he has large amount of extended family nearby so xmas was a big party with alcohol+cigs ++++. we went the fist yr for 1/2hr then havent gone since, i just wont subject ds's to that amount of smoke in a enclosed space. im smoker myself but it just doesnt feel right to do something like that. id avoid meeting up if at all poss

crazylizzy · 11/07/2009 23:32

YANBU at all and good for you for, you have a great attitude, unlike your DH family with "you want to get it ready for the real world". I mean, honestly

It is a tough one. If they are at your house, then put your foot down, but if you are in their house, as much as I agree with you no ends, I guess you can't ask them not to smoke in their own homes. The best way around that would maybe suggest to meet in a public place from now on, such as a cafe? If things really are that bad and you feel awkward, maybe suggest that your DH have a word?

Been in a similar situation myself, in fact, the same one really. I understand how hard it is

milkyandhoney · 11/07/2009 23:36

I can sympathise with this - my family were the same. YANBU at all, but unfortunately for me, it meant not feeling particularly comfortable visiting certain places as I it wasn't really my place to ask them not to smoke in their own homes, therefore avoiding them.

Ronaldinhio · 11/07/2009 23:39

personally I think yabu but tis your pregnancy and your rules therefore do whatever you want just don't expect everyone to feel the same way

Original poster

muuuum1983 · 11/07/2009 23:41

I think it's becase my family are soo different. Most of us don't smoke and those who do wouldn't do it in front of babies or pregnant women. It is just upsetting as one of hubs family is due a month after me and still smoke and drinks! They act like I'm stupid. I think it's because I'm telling them I don't agree with smoking in pregnancy and they all did! so in affect I'm indirectly telling them I don't agree with the way they go on.

OP posts:

Wanderingsheep · 11/07/2009 23:43

Grr, don't get me started on smoking. I will go on forever!

No I don't think yabu at all! I find it really selfish that someone would light up around you without asking if you minded, whether you're pregnant or not. Second hand smoke is really bad for you. Why should you suffer just for their filthy, discusting habit!

Original poster

muuuum1983 · 11/07/2009 23:43

ps it's not in their home, it's in my hubs mums house where everyone visits (he is one of seven). I don't go to the houses of the ones who smoke.

OP posts:

NotPlayingAnyMore · 11/07/2009 23:45

YANBU!

"you want to get it ready for the real world" -

Besides, they obviously haven't noticed there's been a public smoking ban in "the real world" for the past 2 years
Meet them in such a place, or invite them yours, but only if you really want to spend time with these people - I wouldn't!

Original poster

muuuum1983 · 11/07/2009 23:49

Thanks for all ur advise! Not bad for my fist time on mums net talk. x I feel loads better.
I know where to come in future.xxx

OP posts:

Wanderingsheep · 11/07/2009 23:51

Welcome to mn

Ronaldinhio · 12/07/2009 00:05

it's advice and change your name

Scorpette · 12/07/2009 00:05

Totally agree with all the others who say to either meet them in non-smoking places in public, like pubs, etc., or to have them round your place and then insist they don't smoke there. If they moan about this or ask why you won't come to theirs, just tell the truth. Very calmly and sweetly say that you are not going to be around smoke when you are pregnant and there is no compromise on that, for the sake of you OR the unborn child. and they smoke in their home. Say that you accept and respect that it is 'their house, their rules', so as they refuse to stop smoking around you in their home, the best and only solution for everyone is for you not to go to theirs. If they laugh at you and keep saying you're being stupid, then keep being calm and tell them that not only are you following medical advice, but that you personally don't like to breathe in the fumes of others, pregnant or not. Point out that the lungs get cramped in the later stages of pregnancy as the baby grows, etc., and say that you are not going to make your breathing even worse if you don't have to. If they mention the rel. who smokes and drinks, say 'that is her choice, this is mine'. Just keep pointing out that the ball is in their court - you have now made it clear that you are not going to be around people smoking, so where you meet is now up to them. Do not budge an inch on the not being around smoking thing. This way, they have to face up to the fact that they need to address their behaviour and not keep ignoring the truth for the sake of their addiction by making out that it's all about you being fussy and naive.

But also get DH to back you up and if possible, lay down the law for you. You and the baby should be his first priority, so make him get involved.

Gemzooks · 12/07/2009 00:11

In Italy it is a crime to smoke within a certain distance of a pregnant woman!

Gemzooks · 12/07/2009 00:12

not a crime sorry but doubling of smoking ban fine... from 275 euros to 550...

SolidGoldBrass · 12/07/2009 00:13

You can't insist on making the rules in someone else's home. But you can choose to stay out of someone's home when it's not a comfortable environment for you. Scorpette's advice is excellent: stay calm and explain that you choose to do this, how they choose to behave is up to them.

Firawla · 12/07/2009 11:22

Yanbu
if its dh family try to get him to say something, if they really wont cooperate and act like this then can you see them less? they sound horrible to behave like that.
you really want to get it sorted now otherwise as they will probably continue to smoke around the baby when its born

kitkatqueen · 12/07/2009 11:34

Muuum1983,

Go for my option its fun! start retching every time they spark up, biig loouud retching in their direction. If they're willing to share their smoke with me I'm more than willing to share my vomit with them cigarette smoke is the one thing guaranteed to spark up my morning sickness - even at 34 weeks.

Good Luck...

kitkatqueen · 12/07/2009 11:37

scorpettes advice is the best sensible advice to properly address the issue tho

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