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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if you are given a duplicate gift you smile, say thank you and DON'T mention it

68 replies

MikeStand · 02/07/2009 18:57

We have been informed by godson's father that the book we sent from Amazon is a duplicate. I'm not sure if you can return it to Amazon but in similar circumstances I have said thank you very much and gone to stick it on ebay, regift, donate to charity etc. I wouldn't dream of saying we've already got it.

If we ask what he would like we are always told a cheque made out to parents so his mum can get something and we never find out what it was. He is not old enough to want vouchers to choose his own stuff.

AIBU to think if you are given a gift you accept politely as it is a gift willingly given and not an expectation?

OP posts:
HecatesTwopenceworth · 02/07/2009 19:00

Yes, you do if you are polite. But tis the modern way. return it, flog it on ebay or even hand it back and say "it's not really my thing, thanks."

The phrase "unwanted gift" that you read on ebay, in papers etc about sums up what's bloody wrong with folks these days. grumble, mumble, in my day, grumble...

TwentiethCenturyHeffa · 02/07/2009 19:01

YANBU. Someone once told me that the Christmas present I'd given them was a duplicate and that I could have it for my birthday present (early January). I thought they were joking but sadly not.

When I get given duplicate gifts I just say thank you and donate it to charity.

crazylizzy · 02/07/2009 19:01

YANBU I would have done the same. I think it's very rude behavior. Sounds like something my MIL would do

littlelamb · 02/07/2009 19:03

Yes, you smile and say thank you. I was mortified last week when my friend gave dd a dress for her birthday. The self same dress I had given her for her little girl about two months ago But I smiled and said thank you and I will never mention it because really, what would be the point

saadia · 02/07/2009 19:03

YANBU, I think it is very rude to complain about a gift.

cheshirekitty · 02/07/2009 19:40

YANBU. It is rude to complain about gifts.

Tambajam · 02/07/2009 19:42

YANBU. How bizarre!

stillstanding · 02/07/2009 19:47

YANBU. And I am so glad that you raised this as this is something that drives me MAAAAAD. The only people I know who do this are my BIL and SIL and I just can't tell you how infuriating it is. It happens to me relatively often especially with books and I just pop it into my present drawer and pass it on to someone else. So rude not to be grateful for presents.

The last time they did this to me was at Xmas. I never really know what to give them so asked them for a list of things that they would want. They gave me a list of five things and I bought one of the things for Xmas and another one for SIL's birthday (which is on 2 January). When I gave the birthday present (4 days after Xmas because we weren't going to see her on her actual birthday) she said "oooh sorry - when you didn't give it to me for xmas I went and bought my own". I was soooo angry!

EldonAve · 02/07/2009 19:52

YANBU
They obv want you to give a cheque in the future

Overmydeadbody · 02/07/2009 19:53

YANBU, unless the person in question is under the age of four and doesn't know how to lie yet

At DS's last birthday his friend gave him a tintin book he already had. He said to the friend "thank you for getting me a tintin book, I love tintin, I already have this one so do you mind if I exchange it for one I don't have?"

I thought that was fair enough and DS's friend didn't seem to mind at all. He just replied with "I didn't know if you had that one or not but I know you love tintin"

I love children's honesty.

Out of order for an adult though.

FrannyandZooey · 02/07/2009 19:53

well, i suppose it depends if you think the giver would be happiest if you actually got a present you really liked and needed, or whether you think they just wanted to enjoy choosing and giving it

FenellaFudge · 02/07/2009 19:54

Dont think i've been in this sutuation but if it were me (giving the gift) I'd want to know if it was something they couldn't use.

I dont give a gift in order to recieve blind gratitude, I want the other person to enjoy what I have chosen, if they already had it I'd be glad that they told me - feel pleased that I obviously had the right idea about the kind of thing they'd like - and I'd exchange it for something else.

Now, if they handed it back and said it wasn't their cup of tea then I'd be mightily unimpressed.

MaggieBeeBeau · 02/07/2009 19:55

Yes you just have to pretend that you're delighted. What's the point of doing anything else!

PrincessToadstool · 02/07/2009 19:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Greensleeves · 02/07/2009 19:56

Hmmm, I think YABU in that there is no POINT in lying - most adults can cope with the fact that their choice of gift has misfired

I prefer not to lie to people unless there is a really good reason

DH gave me books for my birthday and one was a duplicate, I told him and we giggled about it

Mind you, my sister's tactic was to unwrap present, sneer and say "I don't like this, do you want it or shall I just bin it?"

SparkleandShine · 02/07/2009 20:01

My MIL takes the biscuit, she asks me and other people for things for christmas then regifts them to other people for christmas...

So my SIL wanted a Delia cookbook for Christmas and suggested it to MIL. When I asked MIL she told me she wanted a Delia cookbook. On Christmas day SIL opened her cookbook from MIL.... I had written in it Happy Chistmas MIL love Sparkle and family...

we sat there and worked out most of the gifts were regifted from others

stillstanding · 02/07/2009 20:01

"I dont give a gift in order to recieve blind gratitude, I want the other person to enjoy what I have chosen, if they already had it I'd be glad that they told me - feel pleased that I obviously had the right idea about the kind of thing they'd like - and I'd exchange it for something else.

Now, if they handed it back and said it wasn't their cup of tea then I'd be mightily unimpressed."

FenellaFudge, I don't understand how these two statements are compatible? Either you want to give someone a present that they want or you want them to be grateful for their present.

FenellaFudge · 02/07/2009 20:07

Stillstanding - no, not the same thing.

The first (duplicate present) instance is not rudeness, its not being ungrateful, you're saying "thanks, but we have one of those already"

The second (dont like it) is rude, its a judgement on the givers taste, you'd basically be saying that it wasn't good enough.

There is no value judgement in having the same item already, its just a fact. As I said, I'd be pleased then to exchange it for something else.

FenellaFudge · 02/07/2009 20:10

In short, yes I wnt to give a present that will be liked but if it is simply not to the other persons taste they should just suck it up - thats the nature of gifts.
A duplicate is just no use to the reciever - no ones fault, it just isnt - so its a practical issue rather than one of taste or gratefulness etc.

silverfrog · 02/07/2009 20:16

I think it is important to find the line between accepting politely so as not to offend, and being truthful so as not to offned.

eg I would tell my dh if he bought me a book I already had (there is no way he is going to know every book I have read), and what's the point in not telling him? he would think it ridiculous that I wasn't able to tell him something so simple. But i have fibbed about other presents he has given me, ones where the htuoght and the effort that went in to them are more important to me than th epresent. that sounds crap, and like he doesn't put any effort into choosing books; don't mean that.

but at christmas, we were going through a rough patch, and whiel I wouldn't have chosen any of his gifts for me (he made soem very good book choices then, actually), to tell him that he was not on my wavelength would have been more damaging to uor relationship than accepting nicely and seeing the effort and intention behind it all.

likewise, i would never have told my Grandparents that their gifts were duplicates or not wanted. Apart form the generation issue, they would have been hurt, and that is more important thn whther I liked the tablecloth (or whatever)

Frasersmum123 · 02/07/2009 20:19

BIL does this - he is a nightmare to buy for and returns everything. DH doesnt seem to mind but I find it the height of rudeness.

The only time I have ever swapped anything is if its clothing and its been to small.

stillstanding · 02/07/2009 20:23

I see what you are saying, Fenella - point taken and what you are saying is reasonable. I think I have a bit of a blindspot about this because of my in-laws - they always do it in such a smug, "go back and try again" way and it really is very rude. I can see that a "oh no, I am so upset, we already have this and love it but thanks so much anyway" would be fine.

For me though I would never let on unless I really had to. As a present receiver, I want to make the person who went to the trouble of getting me a gift feel very appreciated and I am always grateful regardless of whether I don't like it or it is a duplicate. I wouldn't want the giver's pleasure in giving me a present to be reduced in any way iyswim.

moffat · 02/07/2009 20:31

It's not nice to do it in a way that makes the giver feel small. I have so many issues on this matter with SIL and MIL. Once I spent ages choosing a shirt/jumper for MIL and her face just fell when she saw it, there was no attempt to show gratitude. OTOH when it is something she likes she really raves about it.

Similarly with SIL, she has very particular taste and if I give her anything which is not to her taste it does become apparent. So now I really try to find things that fit in with her taste as opposed to what I think will look nice on her.

It is very stressful shopping for those two. The other thing is (you can see I have ishoos) is that if they give me something they will witter on and on about how great it is and always ask if I have used/worn it.

Rollergirl1 · 02/07/2009 20:34

I don't agree with any of this. My DD got two scooters for her 3rd birthday recently, both costing in the region of £30. Are you saying i should just accept them both without saying anything and let someone's present/good money go to waste? That's utter nonsense!

Whose would I choose to sell on ebay? And don't I run the risk of offending the person who bought the present when they enquire how my DD is enjoying it only to be told that it was sold on ebay!

In this instance I spoke to both parties and told them the situation. Both of them offered to send me the receipts so i could exchange the item. I made a judgement based on which one was easiest to exchange and job done. No hard feelings and everyone's a winner.

I'd be more offended if i had bought a present for someone and it was accepted through gritted teeth.

fizzpops · 02/07/2009 20:40

I think if it was a really expensive present as rollergirl says I would have to mention something, but generally it is so rude and ungrateful to mention it unless someone actually asks.

People who always want to return things or don't give me an idea what they want etc get vouchers - you can get vouchers for virtually anything these days. Amazon vouchers are particularly good because they stock such a broad range.