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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think if you are given a duplicate gift you smile, say thank you and DON'T mention it

68 replies

MikeStand · 02/07/2009 18:57

We have been informed by godson's father that the book we sent from Amazon is a duplicate. I'm not sure if you can return it to Amazon but in similar circumstances I have said thank you very much and gone to stick it on ebay, regift, donate to charity etc. I wouldn't dream of saying we've already got it.

If we ask what he would like we are always told a cheque made out to parents so his mum can get something and we never find out what it was. He is not old enough to want vouchers to choose his own stuff.

AIBU to think if you are given a gift you accept politely as it is a gift willingly given and not an expectation?

OP posts:

MaggieBeeBeau · 02/07/2009 20:46

Well I'd be pretty shocked if I bought your child a scooter and you said "she already has one"...

Maybe it makes no sense, but it's manners to say thank you. If you already have one, the giver did not know that.

I might get it wrong when I give a gift, but I tried to get it right, and I'd like that to be borne in mind when you're faking your smile

crokky · 02/07/2009 20:53

MikeStand - in your position, next time, I would buy something from a shop, using cash, get a cash receipt - give the gift and at the same time give the receipt. Then the child's parents can go and take it back and get money if that's what they really want to do. If you buy from somewhere like M&S they'll have no problems with the refund.

If you do this, you'll avoid them moaning about your presents and you just have to hand the gift over with no further hassle.

I always buy stuff like this and always provide the receipt with the gift - I really don't mind if people don't like the present, but I prefer it if they just go and sort it out themselves and by giving a cash receipt for a chain store, I am enabling them to do so with no rudeness etc.

Some people mind about this sort of stuff and some don't. It's hard to know who is in which camp!! I just avoid the problems altogether by providing receipts upfront.

I have only once recently asked a giver for a receipt - it was at christmas and DB/SIL had bought me something nice, but it was damaged (under the packaging so they couldn't have seen it) so I took it to be exchanged. I don't think they minded.

Rollergirl1 · 02/07/2009 20:53

MaggieBee: Why do you assume i'd be so charmless about it? Of course we said thank you. And it goes without saying that people would not buy an item for someone if they knew they already had said item. We had a big party for our DD. Not all presents could be opened at the time and so they were opened the following day. Which is when we discovered that she had two scooters. Of course we thanked both parties equally enthusiastically. But it's pointless keeping two scooters. One person's money has gone to waste in my eyes.

What would you have us do?

MaggieBeeBeau · 02/07/2009 20:57

Suck it up! That's what I'd have you do!!! So, you have two scooters. What a disaster. Swap it, sell it in local paper, I don't know.. 'Pointless' doesn't figure. It is charmless to make it my problem if I gave you a present you didn't want.

Rollergirl1 · 02/07/2009 21:04

Fine, if you're happy to spend £30 on a present for a child and it never be used, that's your look-out. Personally, when i'm giving something, i'd rather my present and money be of use to someone. I would no way be offended if someone told me they already had one. I want people to enjoy what i have given them, not lie to me for fear of offending.

And how would i handle the situation when the unlucky individual asked how DD liked it? Or came round and saw her using a scooter other than the one they bought her? Do I just keep spinning a web of deceit as you'd have it?

And I didn't make it their problem. It's not as if i said "she already has one, i'll have another present please". I have already stated that I did all the exchanging.

pointydog · 02/07/2009 21:05

Just say 'oh that's a shame, I don't mind if you give it away'

MaggieBeeBeau · 02/07/2009 21:08

But it's rude to make the giver aware that their gift is superflous.

I was just brought up to write thank you letters and so on, and it's rubbed off. I now care about good manners more than I care about having a spare scooter.

pointydog · 02/07/2009 21:10

yes, it is rude so be breezy and offhand back

Rollergirl1 · 02/07/2009 21:13

But what about the giver's feelings? What if the giver wants to give something that is truthfully valued? What if the person who bought the scooter that i sold (or whatever) comes round and asks about it and is told that it was sold because two were bought and it was never mentioned?

stillstanding · 02/07/2009 21:15

I wish I could, pointydog, but it just goes against the grain.

I find myself apologising (for getting them a present that they put on their list ... wtf?!) and promising to sort it out with a replacement asap.

And I feel like such a sucker but if I did otherwise I know I would feel worse.

stillstanding · 02/07/2009 21:19

I must admit, rollergirl, that the scooter example that you have given sounds fine to me and the way you handled it would not give me offence. I do think that there are ways of doing this in a polite way that would make the giver feel appreciated regardless. I think key to this is not to put the onus on the giver to sort it out but to do it yourself.

(Were the two scooters different colours? If not then I probably would have just passed off the one as the present from both.)

onepieceofcremeegg · 02/07/2009 21:23

If I (or the dds) receive a duplicate gift I almost feel that it is because the giver knows our tastes (assuming the initial present was well liked, obviously)

Our babysitter gives lovely present and once duplicated a book, it was precisely because she knew that both I and our baby dd loved the range of books.

My sil manages to make people feel awful if they give her or her dcs a duplicate gift. I have taken to handing a gift over and saying very LOUDLY that I have included the gift receipt and I am aware that she will exchange it if not suitable for whatever reason. Even that doesn't shut her up, she likes to say "oh actually she already has that" in an ungrateful tone.

Original poster

MikeStand · 02/07/2009 22:27

This appears to be an in laws thing! (LOL) Same in this case.

What about the cheque to Mum so she can choose? I would still prefer to give a GIFT. I will now give gift vouchers and save myself the bother of trawling for a well(or not so!) chosen gift. We do not see the child very often as my partner and his relative (father of godson) have very different values.

OP posts:

chegirl · 02/07/2009 22:29

YANBU its rude.

A gift is a gift not a right. If gifts were compulsory they would be called something else - taxes maybe?

My DS2 is 6. Every christmas/birthday I give him 'the talk'. 'Now you know if someone gives you something you already have you dont say I have already got one. You say thank you very much'. Yes mummy and he nods and smiles.

Then as soon as he gets given something he already has he says 'I have already got that'. . Every bloody time. You cant say I dont try. He has got SN though.

I bought one of my nieces some teeshirts. I asked my B if she liked them and he said 'oh no not really, we took them back and swopped them for nicer ones'. I suppose I DID ask.

EyePeam · 02/07/2009 22:42

OP - think that the idea of giving a cheque to the Mum, made payable to parents is really off. You could always make it payable to the godson for his savings account / CTF or something? But giving cash to the parents who then don't tell you what they got for the child - no way!

muminthecity · 02/07/2009 22:42

YANBU

I found myself in this position on my birthday a few months ago, a friend of mine gave me a DVD which I already had. Of course I was very polite and thanked her, without mentioning that I already had it. Unfortunately DD doesn't quite understand gift etiquette just yet - she went running over to where the DVDs are kept, pulled out my original copy and in an excited voice said "Look mummy, now you have two the same!"

Luckily my friend saw the funny side, and I exchanged it for a different DVD a few days later.

silverten · 03/07/2009 09:05

I agree- it's the fact that someone has gone to the trouble of trying to get you something you'll like, not the fact that someone else got you it first. Teaches a valuable life lesson I think- not all things which are supposed to be nice quite work out that way.

My MIL is a bugger for this- it is clearly the actual present that matters, not the fact that someone has gone to the effort of giving her a gift. We got her a book for Christmas that she already had, and she immediately informed us that she'd already read it, and then left it behind when she left. Kind of a 'do try to do better next time' sort of vibe. Very rude- makes me feel rather less inclined to get her a present next time now.

3littlefrogs · 03/07/2009 09:07

YANBU.

Whatever happened to good manners?

ScummyMummy · 03/07/2009 09:12

Disgraceful behaviour, imo. Tell him to f off and/or look for shit gifts in future that are not replicable because noone would want them. Grr. What a rude prat.

stoppinattwo · 03/07/2009 09:18

If im buying for an adult and it is something i think they might already have, I make a point of saying when I give it them, if you alread have this I will be happy to exchange it or if you wish to choose something else I can give you the receipt...it then give them the open door to volunteer this information without feeling obliged to acept my gift gratiously.

for children..I check with the parent if it is an expensive gift, "im thinking of getting X is this a good idea or do they already have one?" and even then I have the receipt ready incase it doesnt suit.

A gift is a gift, but it isnt a gift if it doesnt suit and I think as the giver of the gift you should give the opportunity to comment/ exchange/ gratfully decline your gift and not feel too bad about it.

But after saying all that it doesnt give the recever of the gift to be rude, I dont agree with "i dont like this do you want it or shall i bin it!!" i would want to stick it down her throat!!!

Rubyrubyrubyinthegame · 03/07/2009 09:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ScummyMummy · 03/07/2009 09:22

There is absolutely nfw I would give someone a cheque so they could choose if they asked me. God, I almost want someone to ask me so I can tell them what I think of that idea! Gift vouchers are the way forward if they are really so extraordinarily rude that they snub well intyentioned gifts, I guess. But I would be seriously tempted to source beloved by children, hated by parent type gifts from now on and have them delivered direct to the child as soon as he is old enough to read his name. Sending inappropriate spoiling annoying gifts is the role of a godparent anyway, imo, so would fit nicely.

ruddynorah · 03/07/2009 09:36

i always enclose a gift receipt.

i would never comment on receiving a duplicate gift, i'd just accept i have 2 of something. it happens.

dh's family is the total opposite. they find it the height of rudeness if someone gets them a gift they haven't asked for. but then they are much more concerned with the idea that unwanted gifts are money wasted. dh's neice always asks for money for her birthday. for her 16th i suggested dh give her some jewellery to mark a significant birthday. but no, she asked for money so that's what she got.

ScummyMummy · 03/07/2009 09:40

I agree gift receipts are a v good idea and I would have more sympathy for a teenager asking for money instead of a gift chosen by great aunty Mabel. But parents asking for cheques for their young children... Well, words fail me!

Stigaloid · 03/07/2009 09:41

YANBU however instead of making a cheque out to godson's mum make it out to godson and request it gets put in his trust fund.

Usually on Amazon however you are able to return and exchange.

Tis rude - they could have returned the other book and kept yours.

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