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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to have given an old lady a piece of my mind?

172 replies

JoesMummy09 · 02/07/2009 18:30

I was travelling on the bus today to meet up with some other mummies.

There were 3 buggies already on the bus when I spotted a lady with a pram trying to get on (I realised later it was actually a friend of mine - I'm a bit short-sighted!). The driver told her it was full so she thanked him and joined the back of the queue to wait for the next one.

The horrible old cow old lady sitting in front of me loudly said "I don't know why they can't just walk".

Well, I was not having that! Her comment was down right rude, thoughtless and unneccessary. So I gave her a piece of my mind!

I should add that when I got on the bus carrying DS in a sling and carrying 2 bags she hadn't moved her bag so I could sit down, despite it being a seat for "those less able to stand". (Perhaps I am being unreasonable there and her bag needed the seat more than woman carrying 3mo child and shopping??!)

I don't normally do this kind of thing but I just lost it. AIBU? Would you do the same?

OP posts:
simplesusan · 04/07/2009 22:41

I try and avoid buses, but I am lucky in that I drive a car.
I also avoid:
parent and toddler car parking spaces.
Parking anywhere deemed remotely near the entrance to ANYWHERE in the entire universe but again I am fit and healthy.
Lifts where possible
trying to board/alight an aircraft before everyone else (hey it is not going to take off until I get on the plane too)
I find this often alleviates the "rude people" problem and helps to keep me a little saner.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 04/07/2009 23:03

It's an unfortunate fact that for some, ageing means not just ageing physically but also experiencing changes in personality. I disagree with those that are saying that a person who is rude on a bus, who happens to be old, was probably always rude even when they were younger.

I just don't think this is the case for all older people. A large number of people DO seem to display a decline in awareness of what is acceptable to say out loud in public. I remember when I was due to give birth any day to DS1 and I was in the supermarket huffing and puffing and looking at the displays of Christmas cards. The shelves were really in a mess, and as I was looking at the cards on one shelf, a packet of cards from the shelf below just fell off of its own accord because it had been balanced precariously anyway.

An old lady in a wheelchair tutted loudly and shouted "Well, pick it up then! Tsk....these youngsters! (I was 30!)" assuming I'd knocked it off the shelf and wasn't going to bother putting it back. Even though I hadn't knocked the packet off the shelf AND I was struggling to pick it up from the floor being the size of a whale, she embarrassed me enough to make me pick it up and put it back. Her daughter who was pushing the wheelchair was so embarrassed and said "Mum!" and mumbled a "sorry" at me and looked really sheepish and apologetic. I, of course, came home and moaned about her behaviour to DH, referring to her as "some horrible old woman".

These days, looking back on that incident, I find it hard to get annoyed. I'm pretty sure that in her younger days, she wouldn't have been so cantankerous - the way her daughter was so sheepish and nice suggested otherwise.

I'm also going through seeing my 75 year old father go through personality changes the past year or two. Not becoming rude and cantankerous, but very withdrawn and resigned to sitting in a corner doing nothing. I know he hasn't always been like that but I can imagine a teenager who doesn't know him meeting him and thinking "miserable old git."

I just think it's important to remember that while some people DO keep their personality with them when they get older, for many others, they simply behave quite differently from how they would have when they were younger. If that makes me ageist, then so be it.

It's just very hard to distinguish between those older people who are being genuinely rude and those who have lost their ability to realise what's socially acceptable.

A man (40 ish) in the supermarket looked at DS2 (aged 3) recently when he was being a bit whingey and shouted "Oh fuck off!" at him and walked off! As horrified as I was, luckily DS2 took no notice and I took it that the man had some kind of mental disorder, be it Tourette's or something else. I COULD have screamed abuse at him, or called for security to have a word with him as it was just near the entrance, but I just think it's important to consider possible reasons WHY people might say the things they say, and temper our response accordingly.

Very difficult not to say the first thing that comes into your head though, I agree!

maltesers · 04/07/2009 23:23

Old people are very outspoken.....they just dont care..
No excuse, but my parents at 78 and 81 say anything and are very intolerant nowadays.
\You were only supporting your friend...JOESMUMMY09..dont worry bout it. The old biddy prob had it coming. !!! lol

piscesmoon · 05/07/2009 07:59

'Old people are very outspoken'

All old people?!!!!

juuule · 05/07/2009 08:20

"The old biddy prob had it coming. !!! lol "

And you find that funny?

A bit short on tolerance yourself, maltesers?

And joesmummy wasn't supporting a friend. She didn't even realise who it was until later. Plus the friend didn't get on the bus so wouldn't have known about joesmummy's response.

onagar · 05/07/2009 11:53

Should she only have spoken up if it was for a friend and if it profited her by her friend knowing and being grateful?

That explains a lot about the way things are going.

onagar · 05/07/2009 12:00

Btw a tall thin black guy gave me directions the other day and I have NO problem with using that description.

It's only bad if you think being black is something shameful and something no one would want bringing up. Same for 'old'. I bet if we were all in the same room now people here would refer to me as "that old guy over there" and think nothing of it.

juuule · 05/07/2009 12:54

maltesers said joesmummy was supporting a friend, I was pointing out that she wasn't.

LupusinaLlamasuit · 05/07/2009 12:59

onagar, if you read the whole thread, and some of the wider debate on ageism, you would realise that the use of old in the ways used is not just descriptive. Old is almost always used in context.

Age Concern/Help the Aged, the Open University and the SCIE Institute (google them) have some very good free resources on how extensive and pernicious ageism is in British culture.

juuule · 05/07/2009 13:06

The op used the term 'old lady' to replace 'horrible old cow' so it appears that the op wanted us to know what she really meant when she said 'old lady'. Seemed to be a bit sneery to me. But maybe I read too much into it.

What was the relevance of how old the lady was? Did we need to know? Or was it to have a go at older people generally?
Why weren't we treated to the age of the lady with the pram?
I do happen to think that mentioning that the lady was old was relevant. As other people have said sometimes it needs to be taken into account and sometimes allowances made for age. But not just to sneer at.

hocuspontas · 05/07/2009 14:00

But why did you 'give her a piece of your mind'? Why the anger? If you had to say anything why not 'It's probably too far to walk that's why' and leave it there.

Would you have got responded in the same way if a large mean-looking thug type had said the same thing?

letsgostrawberrypicking · 05/07/2009 14:09

hocus -fair point but really how many times has a mean thug looking person said something like that? Very very rarely I would imagine,they are more likely to be helping you onto the bus IME!! I certainly have never had people says things apart from the exact type of person the op refers to. If people give their opinions then they should expect others to give theirs

hocuspontas · 05/07/2009 14:17

But they're OLD. It's their way of getting through the day

LupusinaLlamasuit · 05/07/2009 14:19

hocus: Do you really think that is funny? What is your way of getting through the day?

piscesmoon · 05/07/2009 14:20

I would still like a definition of 'old', to my DS 30 yrs is old! I would say that you have to be over 80yrs to be old- and by then people could make a few allowances.

onagar · 05/07/2009 19:30

LupusinaLlamasuit, I read the whole thread you patronising young person!!!

It's possible that a lot of people have understood the issues and still think this was a thread hijack by people with too much time on their hand. This and the gay lunchbox ffs.

Not everything is an ism or ist, but it seems to be a popular hobby these days (or maybe just on MN) to look for it everywhere.

I'd like a definition of 'old' too as I am in my fifties and I want to know if that entitles me to special treatment.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 05/07/2009 21:39

Hear, hear, onagar!

saltylams · 23/01/2011 18:27

The horrible old cow (nice one sister) had probably had a horrible day - maybe a widow on a pension. She probably brought up her own kids on a shoestring and taught them manners. I do think your behaviour was out of order - two wrongs don't make a right. You should have shown her some respect and your children would have learned something valuable from you. Well, you did ask.

brightlightsandpromises · 23/01/2011 18:39

"Did think later us women with our massive buggies hmm have at least bought our tickets. How many of these nasty old crones charming old dears have bought theirs?"

Really??? Hmm

I think they have bought the right to those tickets ten times over with the amount of tax they will have paid in their lifetimes.

I reckon you are entitled to be a bit cranky when you are older, you dont know her circumstances, perhaps shes a lonely old woman grumpy at the thoguht of returning to her home on her own? And you go and "give her a peice of your mind" Go girl!!!

Was it walking distance? if it was, perhaps she could have walked - done the kids good Wink ducks

SecretNutellaFix · 23/01/2011 18:43

saltylams- this thread is a year and a half old. Bit pointless to drag it up, no?

outnumbered2to1 · 23/01/2011 18:44

once on a bus while about 6 months pregnant with DS1 i got up off my seat (not special reserved seat or anything) and offered it to rather old and doddery woman who was just getting on with a big bag of shopping. Thanking me profusely with a big smile SHE PUT THE FUCKING SHOPPING ON THE SEAT..... [shocked]

her face was a even better picture when i lifted the shopping bag down onto the floor and sat back down on the seat.....

Tanith · 23/01/2011 19:16

My step-FIL is probably the rudest old man you're ever likely to meet. He thinks nothing of commenting loudly and offensively in public about any topic under the sun.

That's the trouble, I suppose. He doesn't think: he just says the first thing to come into his head. He's got Alzheimers, although you'd never think it to look at him, and it's getting steadily worse. He often gives MIL the slip and goes off on his own, probably wreaking havoc wherever he goes.

If you'd met him a few years ago, you'd have said what a lovely old man he was.

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