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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset by this, I keep trying not to be

98 replies

chegirl · 01/07/2009 22:19

My DS1's school is having a talent contest on Friday. He has been talking about it for a few weeks and of course I had planned to go. He has missed out over the years as his sister's illness meant we had to miss a lot of school functions over the years.

On Monday he told me 'the talent contest is in memory of DD'. Its the first I have heard of it. Two girls who went to school with her have arranged it. I am confused because they are not pupils. The school is new, having merged DS's and DD's old school with another one and moving to a brand new site. The girls would be too old to have attended this school.

I have now recieved an invitation via DS. It states the contest is in tribute.

I am very upset that no one has asked me or OH if we are ok with this, if we wanted to be involved or if we felt comfortable coming at all. OH is working so I will have to go on my own with the DS2 and DS3. I want to support DS1 but I really dont want to go.

Its hard to sit and hear my DD's name over and over, to see photos or her name written on posters. To hear people talk about her. Its not that I dont appreciate people thinking about her and I want her to be remembered forever.

But I will have to sit there and be brave whilst people know who I am. It feels like so much pressure and I feel trapped into going.

Whenever we have done anything for DD I have been able to prepare myself, it takes a lot out of us. It can be very hard afterwards to 'come down'.

I actually find going to secondary school very hard anyway. The sight of all those beautiful, healthy, lively teenage girls can be really painful. I go to DS's parents evenings of course but I find them stressful.

I dont know what to do. I dont want to be ungreatful but I wished someone had phoned us.

OP posts:

onebatmother · 03/07/2009 21:28

That's good Che. YOu did indeed sound v posh when you gave us all the sad back story of the school's utter crapness.

They are bastards, you're right.

Original poster

chegirl · 03/07/2009 21:52

LOL at my poshness - I am as rough as a robber's dog in real life!

Ive got three velour tracksuits and a little dog that sits in DS3's pram

OP posts:

Noonki · 03/07/2009 21:54

chegirl well done on holding it together I would have had no chance of being polite.

i work with families and cannot imagine doing anything about their children without involving them but this is on a whole other level.

I would fume and fume what inconsiderate unprofessional wankers.

Ps dont ask me to help with the letter I would just write a pure stream of filth

onebatmother · 03/07/2009 22:04

at multiple velour tracksuits.

piscesmoon · 03/07/2009 22:05

Good luck with the letter. I expect that you will take your time but keeping your cool and being polite will put them firmly in the wrong-make them squirm!

Yurtgirl · 03/07/2009 22:11

Chegirl at the way the school have behaved - both then and now

thumbwitch · 03/07/2009 22:30

chegirl, so for you that this just keeps getting worse. Hope you manage to get some catharsis from your letter-writing this weekend!
big unMNly (((hugs))) for you anyway (and at your DD flouncing off your phone!)

Original poster

chegirl · 03/07/2009 22:59

Dont worry too much bat DS3 is much bigger than small dog .

Thanks all. Feel very tired now. I am getting my hair done tommorow and may even buy a frock. That'll make it all better.

I am not that confident that I will get a reply to any letter I send. I am convinced that they deliberately stalled until the old school shut down so they didnt have to answer my last one.

OP posts:

thumbwitch · 03/07/2009 23:43

Perhaps you could write to the Board of Governors, the LEA AND the Dept of Education - a one-size-fits-all letter, giving your experience as a training exercise in what NOT to do, and how do they all think this SHOULD have been handled and SHOULD BE handled by every school in future? Oh, and include OFSTED as well for good measure.

Full exposure and shame for the people who deserve it.

cornsilk · 04/07/2009 00:00

Chegirl send a letter to the LEA if the school don't answer you. Their arrogance is breathtaking. Hope you have a nice day shopping tomorrow.

ErikaMaye · 04/07/2009 00:08

I'm really shocked that they've arranged this without consulting you! Its sweet that the other girls came up with the idea, but they should have by no means allowed it without running it past you. Its terrible. I'm annoyed and upset for you. Total unMN-like hugs.

Enjoy your shopping trip - retail therapy is always good. x

pickyvic · 04/07/2009 00:24

i would write to the the LEA, and copy it to the chair of governors and the head. i would also ask them for a copy of their complaints procedure - even if you dont use it it will give them the willies. a complaint from you wouldn't look too good for them and it seems for them its all about keeping up appearances.

you sound very eloquent so dont do yourself down and you have behaved with dignity and grace in the face of monumental fuckwittery.

let your DD will you on and let them have it both barrels. im sure your letter will be a good one and i would let them know exactly how you feel about everything - from start to finish. i think it would do you some good to get it out there and let them know how much hurt they have caused.

best of luck.

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney · 04/07/2009 00:39

bless your patient kind heart chegirl. you have far more dignity and patience than those fuckwits ever deserve. i'd have been hurling abuse at that teacher, not listening to her excuses!!

I want you to give 'em hell, give the paper another story, your story of how shite they have been, esp that teacher not informing you beforehand (total at that!!!) and cc in everyone including your MP (heads really don't like that!) in your letter.

let us know how it goes will you? putting this thread on watch list now!

girlsyearapart · 04/07/2009 07:54

Agree with cornsilk was just about to say send a copy of the letter to the LEA. And velour tracksuits are v comfy (though only have 1) though have a Staffie (who is big and fat) Do I out rough you??

NeedaNewName · 04/07/2009 10:27

My God, I can't believe how insensitive they are.

I like too much's idea though that may reopen everything up for you when you're trying to put it aside atm.

In your previous letter did you also write to the govenors as I thought that they had to do something about it as pickyvic says. When are they due to have their next ofstead that may also put pressure on them.

GodzillasBumcheek · 04/07/2009 11:06

Well...what a bunch of tossers they all are...and that includes the reporter.

sorry i am headachey and can't think of anything helpful

good job you've got lots of other, saner people on your side eh?

Acinonyx · 04/07/2009 11:20

From beginnng to end this whole business is unbelievable! Who could possibly imagine that this would have been acceptable? So sorry you have been upset like this - and by people who should know better.

sherazade · 04/07/2009 11:24

OMG this is horrendous. i feel compelled to ring up your ds school and give them a moutfhul on your behalf.

sarah293 · 04/07/2009 11:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

cyteen · 04/07/2009 11:46

Definitely copy the letter to your MP. I am really shocked at the breathtakingly shite treatment you have had from the school. Make them pay.

titchy · 06/07/2009 11:25

Can you take advantage of the fact that there was a journo there and get them to print the whole story...?

Longtalljosie · 06/07/2009 11:51

I wouldn't. The reporter will have been sent to write a fairly straightforward piece about a school putting on a memorial. He or she will be oblivious to the school's bad behaviour. Let them know it's a "row" - and it would be potentially a bigger article, and a messier one. As it is, the article will be respectful, I'm quite sure.

But it's worth considering the reporter may well have been told about this by the school. Which is another point to make. The only other possibility is they saw the posters, I guess, or perhaps someone who works at the paper has a child there.

I'd go straight to the head of the governors here. You've given the headteacher a chance to behave like a human being, and she's fobbed you off with her PA. So she can next speak to her boss about it.

Original poster

chegirl · 06/07/2009 18:09

I feel sure the school would have had to have rung the paper. They are [the paper] are notouriously lazy when it comes to reporting events. When I have been involved in fundraisers for ClicSargent and Teenager Cancer Trust or the local Hospice we have rung and rung them and they havent bothered to come.

I cannot believe they wouldve just turned up at the school (anyway security is very tight there).

Its another reason to be .

Thanks for your replies. I am feeling better (though not about what they have done). It knocked me back and when I feel like that its horrible, everything seems bleak.

I am going to write a letter regarding the concert, the lack of pastoral (is that the right word) support for my DD & DS during her illness and the lack of response to my letter last year. Its quite a good opportunity to get it sorted out. They have to shake up how they do things. They are bound to have another family with a very sick child at some point. I would hate to think of them going through the same.

I dont want the teacher involved to get a slapping. Its not that I would feel guilty or that I feel sorry for her, I just think her behaviour is indicative (sp) of the way the school is run generally.

I hope I can find my original letter to include. It was a corker [gring]

Thanks for all your support. It really helped. I mean that sincerely. It wouldve have been a lot harder without all you taking the time to seeth and curse on my behalf.

Ta.

OP posts:

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