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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset by this, I keep trying not to be

98 replies

chegirl · 01/07/2009 22:19

My DS1's school is having a talent contest on Friday. He has been talking about it for a few weeks and of course I had planned to go. He has missed out over the years as his sister's illness meant we had to miss a lot of school functions over the years.

On Monday he told me 'the talent contest is in memory of DD'. Its the first I have heard of it. Two girls who went to school with her have arranged it. I am confused because they are not pupils. The school is new, having merged DS's and DD's old school with another one and moving to a brand new site. The girls would be too old to have attended this school.

I have now recieved an invitation via DS. It states the contest is in tribute.

I am very upset that no one has asked me or OH if we are ok with this, if we wanted to be involved or if we felt comfortable coming at all. OH is working so I will have to go on my own with the DS2 and DS3. I want to support DS1 but I really dont want to go.

Its hard to sit and hear my DD's name over and over, to see photos or her name written on posters. To hear people talk about her. Its not that I dont appreciate people thinking about her and I want her to be remembered forever.

But I will have to sit there and be brave whilst people know who I am. It feels like so much pressure and I feel trapped into going.

Whenever we have done anything for DD I have been able to prepare myself, it takes a lot out of us. It can be very hard afterwards to 'come down'.

I actually find going to secondary school very hard anyway. The sight of all those beautiful, healthy, lively teenage girls can be really painful. I go to DS's parents evenings of course but I find them stressful.

I dont know what to do. I dont want to be ungreatful but I wished someone had phoned us.

OP posts:

Woooozle100 · 02/07/2009 00:09

so sorry chegirl

agree with every poster here - course you should have been consulted. How awful for you to have it sprung on you at such short notice. Terrible pressure when you only wanted to go to support yr ds

Can completely understand and empathise with you not wanting to feel so exposed / on show at such raw time. Not the same I know, but some friends of my brother organised a tribute concert after he died. It was v soon after and I felt obliged to go. I appreciated the sentiment but really didn't want to be there. My mom also felt deeply uncomfortable - though my dad appeared to be much keener on it all

wishing you all the best

thumbwitch · 02/07/2009 00:15

Che, this is dreadful. I hope your friend can get time to go with you - perhaps you can go "incognito" as far as possible, i.e. sit at the back and be as little noticed as possible - at least that way you only have to worry about dealing with hearing your DD's name etc. and not about having other people watching you.

Your DS will understand that you don't want to be pointed out, won't he?

I can't believe the catalogue of wrongs that school has done you - it's truly disgusting. Have you complained to the BoG, or to some higher body? Maybe you feel it is too late now, but tbh, this latest lack of consideration would warrant a letter of complaint all by itself.

Have some unMNly ((((hugs))).

blinks · 02/07/2009 00:25

i'm not surprised you don't want to go.

do you know when your DS's performing? could you pop in and out just to see his bit then leave your friend to bring him back?

very difficult.

SolidGoldBrass · 02/07/2009 01:22

Yes where I think the school has behaved disgradefully is in not saying to the two girls (who undoubtedly are well-meaning), look, this is a nice idea but you need to contact chegirl and ask her if it's OK with her.

EachPeachPearMum · 02/07/2009 02:38

this is dreadful treatmemt chegirl
I think this needs to go to the governors tbh, who ,ay well be mortified once they learn of the situation. and then to the lea if you have no joy with them. it is unacceptable to use your daughter's memory in this way with no consultation.

And if I haven't said it previously, I am very sorry for your loss.

BCNS · 02/07/2009 02:44

YaNBU at all.

I can't add much to what has already been posted.

maybe as blinks suggests just pop in for ds's bit.. find out what time he is on.

ChippingIn · 02/07/2009 02:46

Chegirl - I'm so sorry you're being forced to deal with this, of course YANBU nor over the top!!

The school has behaved disgracefully from the beginning, so this doesn't suprise me. They really are completely clueless. What if your son hadn't said anything and you'd just turned up to a talent show, then found out it was being dedicated to your DD?

I can understand the girls thinking it would be a lovely idea, but I am suprised that even if they didn't think to ask you if it was ok, that they haven't called/emailed/written/sent courier pidgeon with a special invitation to attend.

The school, however, need dealing with. In no uncertain terms. When you feel up to it write a letter and send it to the school, the board etc. They need educating! I'm so angry on your behalf!!

Big Huge Hugs
Be brave for DS
x

GodzillasBumcheek · 02/07/2009 11:45

I'm sorry chegirl, seems i was typing my post at the same time you were typing yours, so i didn't see it until this morning.

The others are right, the school has treated your family badly (understatement), and i for one would want to tell them to feck off by now.

I still don't think you should feel obliged to go. Insist that your DS gets the day off school and go for a day out together or something?

I really can't stand all the falseness that happens around times of grief (not implying anyone on this thread is being false btw, more thinking media, school 'friends' that weren't friends, IYSWIM), and the school involved is just unbelievably false IMO.

LittleWonder · 02/07/2009 11:59

I am so sorry for your loss and agree with all the other posters. I wonder if you could find out from your son when exactly he will be "on". To then have two seats reserved at the back for you and your friend. Someone on the door to tell you when he is about to be on, so you can just slip in, watch him and go. and get someone to video it properly?

I am so sorry - this is such a torment for you.

potatofactory · 02/07/2009 12:11

That school sounds unbelievably crap - I can't believe they didn't reply to the letter you sent explaining why you had been upset with their overall response to your dd's illness.
Awful.

I can see why you feel you need to go, but it really is a dreadful situation - so sorry.

GentlyDoingIt · 02/07/2009 12:14

chegirl I think that absolutely stinks. The girls who organised were probably doing so with the best intentions, however it should have had better guidance, i.e. someone to explain that, however well meant, you would need to be consulted and have the concert approved. Your daughter's memory is NOT school property.

If it wasn't for your DS taking part, it would be a straightforward "don't go." However I know that you want to show your support for him and his efforts.

I would demand time with those arranging the concert beforehand and ask to be told exactly what they mean to do by way of a tribute. Are they going to have photos of your DD? When and how are they going to mention her name? Make free to challenge anything that you're not happy with. Perhaps you might be happy with a footnote on the program mentioning that the concert is in memory of DD, but specify that you do not want her name to be mentioned or photo to be included. If they've already printed programs or made arrangements - TOUGH. They have been hugely presumptuous, it is their error, and they will have to sort it out.

I agree with others that if you do attend, you should have a quiet area in which to sit, either reserved seats at the back (although then you may attract more attention than you would otherwise), or better still, the school should allow you to have a couple of seats in the wings/lighting gallery if they have that sort of facility.

It must be so hard to deal with something that makes you feel angry, bereaved, overlooked... such a lot of emotions for one person to hold in such a public forum as a concert...

Is there anyone who can advocate for you?

ruddynorah · 02/07/2009 12:17

appalling. you must put it all in writing, maybe get your nice friend to help you, and send it to the head teacher as well as the governors.

frasersmummy · 02/07/2009 12:17

oh chegirl.. you are soo right to be upset.

I cant add much more than whats been said on here...

Of course you want to remember your dd but you decide how, where etc.. it not for others to decide

I think its probably been done with the best intention but the school need to address this for you NOW

GentlyDoingIt · 02/07/2009 12:18

sorry I'm so cross for you Im not making sense.

About the programs - I meant to suggest that having a tribute written on the program might be okay for you, but hearing her name mentioned aloud might not be. You can easily ignore a program, but I know the pressure of that moment when a lost loved one's name is mentioned, especially in a public place where people will be looking to see your reaction. It's enough to make a person faint. Why on earth haven't they considered that?

MummyDragon · 02/07/2009 13:46

I haven't read all the posts yet, but I agree with ItsAllABitNoisy - if you can bear to, tell the school that they do not have your permission to hold the concert in memory of your DD.

YANBU at all, and I am so sorry for your loss chegirl. I have read quite a few of your posts on MN and you write so movingly and intelligently about all your DCs - I find you quite an inspiration (hope I'm allowed to say that on here).

katiestar · 02/07/2009 14:05

YANBU
You are her mother FGS and to sideline you like this is just ,well, arrogant and insensitive beyond belief .have you got a friend or eelative who can talk to the school about this , I don't think you should have to do it yourself.

Original poster

chegirl · 02/07/2009 17:46

I am feeling a bit overwhelmed by the support and the understanding I received here. Honestly - it means such a lot. I know its all a bit un-mumsnetty to say so!

I like the sweary posts too they made me laugh out loud at work this morning as I was gearing up to ring the school. 'Fucking Liberty'

Well I did phone. I asked to speak to the head (fat chance)got put through to his PA who appeared a bit 'meh' about the whole thing. I was very assertive though. I got a call back later from the teacher involved in the planning of the event. I didnt like her use of language much. Its hard to explain but it seemed designed to not so much intimidate me but it was jargony and peppered with phrases intended to 'manage' difficult people. I was very polite but clear.

She explained how the concert had come about i.e. DD's friends had written to the school reminding them of DD's anniversary coming up (her anniversary was in April btw). Then she went on to say how keen DD was to raise money for charity (she didnt know DD) and how teenage cancer trust was relevant and important (no disagreement there). But this didnt explain why no adult, at no time had bothered to contact us. I thought it had been a communication slip up but it wasnt. It simply NEVER occoured to her or any other adult to call us.

She DID apologise and after about 5 minutes admited that there was no excuse (she had been trying to for a while). She said it was wrong of her not to call us and she thought in hindsight it was a bit insensitive. I told her in hindsight insensitive was a massive understatement and whilst I appreicated her apology I STILL had to deal with the concert, there was no time to arrange childcare and my hus band or other friends and family had not been given the chance to attend.

I wasnt horrible but I didnt give in. I always back down with 'dont worry, I am sure you didnt mean it' type of thing. I couldnt bring myself to do it this time. I wasnt trying to make her suffer but I didnt want to let the school off the hook either. I understand that no malice was intended but I cant see how that makes much of a difference to the outcome tbh.

I dont blame the girls at all. They were good friends of DD. I doubt it wouldve crossed their minds that anything like this was going to happen.

I asked her 'if you were holding an event to raise money for a sick pupil, would you do it without the knowledge of the family?' She said of course not. So why is it ok in this case?

I will go. I want to see DS. I will take my friend and we will sit at the back and come and go quietly. Its at 3.30 so I can nip home without worrying about DS getting home if I have to.

I hope they raise lots of money for TCT (though I am not sure how because I dont think they are charging). I hope the kids all have a really good time too.

thanks again. I feel strengthened by all your support (another unMNs thing. Better watch out for the hug police!).

OP posts:

MummyDragon · 02/07/2009 17:53

Good on you chegirl - you put it far, far, far more politely than I would have done. Hugs to you (!!).

pickyvic · 02/07/2009 19:19

Excellent. so glad you made your feelings clear and i hope she did feel bad because it was very bad behaviour on their part and they should have acknowledged it.

(i re read my post - i sounded like 'nan' off the catherine tate show didnt i....i was just incensed that they could be so stupid!)

hope the concert isnt too painful for you, i think youve been very gracious with them. really hope they raise lots now theyve gone ahead and done it anyway.

(id like to offer virtual Hugs....and i hope that on a thread like this it might be allowed and i dont get chased off MN!)

vic

RumourOfAHurricane · 02/07/2009 19:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

katiestar · 02/07/2009 19:40

Well done for sticking to your guns

jybay · 02/07/2009 19:42

Agree with those who have suggested you should write to the chairman/woman of the governors about all the issues with your DD. The response of the teaching body has been appalling - the governors need to know before another family is mistreatd in the same sort of way.

Hope the concert is not too difficult for you. I'm sure your DS will appreciate your support.

girlsyearapart · 02/07/2009 19:44

Until I read your latest chegirl I was thinking it must have been a lost letter or missed phone call from the school. Cannot believe they didn't inform you. I am a primary teacher and have never worked anywhere that would treat people like that during an illness or following the loss of a child. You are right to support your DS though as it will probably be hard for him to hear his sister's name too. Deep breaths good luck xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

frasersmummy · 02/07/2009 20:13

chegirl...

I think you did well but I think the school's response was atrocious

I feel for you all.. it must be really hard for ds as well.. he has had a lot to cope with in his short life. He deserves to have moments of his own too.

Tomorrow will be hard for you all.. I will be thinking of you

stay strong .. you know where to find me if you need a gab

AnyFucker · 02/07/2009 20:17

good luck for tomorrow and well done for stating your case so clearly

you are right not to blame the girls, this is down to the school

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