To be upset by this, I keep trying not to be

[chegirl]

My DS1's school is having a talent contest on Friday. He has been talking about it for a few weeks and of course I had planned to go. He has missed out over the years as his sister's illness meant we had to miss a lot of school functions over the years.

On Monday he told me 'the talent contest is in memory of DD'. Its the first I have heard of it. Two girls who went to school with her have arranged it. I am confused because they are not pupils. The school is new, having merged DS's and DD's old school with another one and moving to a brand new site. The girls would be too old to have attended this school.

I have now recieved an invitation via DS. It states the contest is in tribute.

I am very upset that no one has asked me or OH if we are ok with this, if we wanted to be involved or if we felt comfortable coming at all. OH is working so I will have to go on my own with the DS2 and DS3. I want to support DS1 but I really dont want to go.

Its hard to sit and hear my DD's name over and over, to see photos or her name written on posters. To hear people talk about her. Its not that I dont appreciate people thinking about her and I want her to be remembered forever.

But I will have to sit there and be brave whilst people know who I am. It feels like so much pressure and I feel trapped into going.

Whenever we have done anything for DD I have been able to prepare myself, it takes a lot out of us. It can be very hard afterwards to 'come down'.

I actually find going to secondary school very hard anyway. The sight of all those beautiful, healthy, lively teenage girls can be really painful. I go to DS's parents evenings of course but I find them stressful.

I dont know what to do. I dont want to be ungreatful but I wished someone had phoned us.

Oh well done chegirl, they have behaved appallingly and you did really well to get that across to them.
I hope your DS wins btw, x

My God, I don't have the words to convey how sorry I am about this. I've admired your dignity and courage on quite a few posts here, and the insensitivity the school are showing is extraordinary. The girls are not really to blame, they're too young to grasp that you might be distressed by it rather than pleased, but the school have absolutely no right to have planned any such thing without asking you and your DH very early in the planning stages, in a sensitive manner that allowed you to say "no". To do this is crass in the extreme.

I so, so hope it's resolved for you soon and effectively.

Argh, I missed the middle page - good for you for being so firm about it, and I hope the event itself is okay.

Am completely dumbfounded by this. Can't believe that it wouldn't even occur to the adults involved. How thick would you have to be?

Well done for being assertive.

So very sorry for your loss.

I am so shocked at the schools attitiude

Will be thinking of you today and hoping it all goes easily for you today

Oh chegirl. You have dealt with this so very very brilliantly and I hope ds is wonderful tonight and gets something from it. I can't believe that the school were so utterly toe curlingly fuckwitted and insensitive in the first place and am in awe at how you handled them.

I bet your phone call to that teacher will change her approach forever by ratchetting up her empathy and sensitivity levels a few thousand notches. Which was sorely needed by the sound of things.

Good luck for tonight.

Thinking of you today chegirl. I hope DS is brilliant and that seeing him proudly showing off his hard work makes up for the school's blunder.

Big hugs and thinking of you. Hope your son does well and that you get through it okay. x

Message withdrawn

I have just read this thread and am appalled by the lack of communication and sensitivity. I do hope it all goes well for you today.

Update.

My friend txt me today to say she couldnt come. She is not one to pull out for no reason. Her face has swollen up from an insect bite so I know it must be pretty bad.

I made my mind up NOT to go. I felt like I was being forced into it to make it easy for everyone else. Not for DS, that was my choice to go for him. I couldnt face it on it my own. I would have felt so exposed.

DS has just got back. He was fine about me not going. He said it was ok, a bit chaotic but ok. I asked him if many parents had gone and he said loads. I said how come if they only found out Wednesday? He said it was only us who got an invitation yesterday, apparently they have had posters up and been selling tickets for ages!

He said the teacher who spoke to me yesterday told him that we had spoken and she had apologised. Now I may well BU but is that appropriate? Why involve him like that? That is what happened when I wrote the letter, a teacher told DS that he would call me when he had the time. I dont like them involving DS like that, its inappropriate IMO.

I am going to write a letter when I have calmed down. I dont want it to be an angry one. I want to be able to list everything calmly. I want to be able to put my feelings about how they treated DD to bed. I want it sorted and to move on. DS only has a year left and then I will be done with the school. DS2 wont go there as he will need a much smaller school (if he stays in mainstream).

Anyway, thanks for being supportive and helpful and outraged on my behalf.

Thanks for the update and I'm glad you didn't go, you did the right thing.
they sound like a set of ignorant twats!

I'm glad you didn't allow them to manipulate you into going along with this Chegirl.

You have been strong and dignified about it.

The way they have treated you, and your DS, is appalling and this week must have been very hard. Do please write that letter to the BOG.

Glad to hear that your DS is fine about the whole thing.

Well done chegirl.

I agree that using your son as an intermediary isn't on. Apart from being inappropriate to include him in conversations he may know nothing about, didn't it occur to them that the day might stir up some feelings for him as well?

Hope you can do something nice this weekend and then return to the issue afresh in a few days.

I know DD is not pleased about the whole affair (please indulge me here). I have her picture as my wallpaper on my mobile. I picked it up to text DS good luck this pm (whilst the show was on) and her picture disappeared! Pfft! Its gone from my phone (Its a photo of a photo so I can re-take it). She never did like anyone upsetting her mum

Good Lord Chegirl I am astonished at the crapness of the way you have been treated and the dignity with which you have handled it.

Lol at the disappearing photo.

I like the idea of your DD going off in a huff about this! keep smiling chegirl x

am speechless, totally utterly. What is the fucking matter with people, these people are teaching our kids, it's outrageous.

I think you and dd shared your own 'time' together today, with the pic going!

Maybe if you are going to write to school, you could get someone to help you do it, ease the load a tad?

Actually, i think i'd bypass the school, as they have bypasse you and write to someone who can kick more ass!!

That school sounds horrendous, any chance you could write all that happened down and send it to the Chairman of the Governors or are they equally as bad?

This is just getting worse and worse. It;s not an oversight if all the other parents knew, this school has deliberately sidelined you. It's outrageous behaviour.

Che, this is just appalling. You've behaved with astonishing patience and dignity. And what a great ds you have.

If you do decide that you would like someone else to write the letter for you, would you think of letting one of us take it off your shoulders? eg. I've written a few official school complaint letters over the last year and I'd really like to help.

Try as I might, I just cannot find a way of understanding what has happened. I just dont get it?

I work with children and their families. I have done for most of my working life. I just cannot imagine a circumstance in which I would arrange an event in a child's name without consulting the parents.

In my line of work you dont do anything without talking to the parents. Even when you have child protection concerns (except if it puts the child in immediate danger) you have to talk to them.

I had a horrible IBS attack whilst out shopping today. I havnt had one for a while. Another reason to bloody hate that school!

And I have been very sweary this week and I am placing the blame squarely at their feet so NER!

DS said he saw someone taking photos and he asked the man who he was. He said he was from the local paper. DS said 'you have to phone my mum!' bless him. So have I got the article in the paper to look forward to now? FFS.

BUGGERBUGGERBUGGERFECKFECKFECK.

Thank for the offer onebat thats really kind.

TBH I like writing letters. I find them very cathartic. I am much better on paper. I sound a bit common when I talk but can be quite posh in a letter.

Also it was one of mine and DD's 'things'. When she knew I was pissed off about something or some issue was getting me het up she would say 'write one of your letters mum, go on you tell them'.

I can almost hear her saying it.

Oh FFS the bastards. Crap.