AIBU to not go along with my husband who wants to sack our cleaner?

[Danceaway]

She gets a lot done in 2 1/2 hrs but dh nitpicks about things she misses (dust in crevice in bathroom after supopsedly mopped); I said we've got a big house and she needs more time! He said Get someone else. I have a good relationship with her after 18 mo's of weekly visits. I stay in the house (dh insists) while she's here - so I know how hard she works. I don't think anyone else would do a better job and don't want to have to find another cleaner I like and trust who can do the hours I need on the day I want. But dh is in a right strop.
He also doesn't think I iron his shirts well enough (despite investing in steam generator iron which is amazing); he'd like our cleaner to do them but when she did them before he said they weren't good enough. I think he just wants to sack her as he is a miserable sod who doesn't like me having help with 'my job' when he doesn't get help with his!! Help!

yes I think he is being really unreasonable too; but he has such a big ego he would honestly believe he is right even in the face of such clear cut opinions as these. Oh to be a man. Our cleaner doesn't iron now, she did for about 8 weeks but every week DH said there was something wrong with his shirts and in the end I said I'd do it rather than keep telling her (doing her best) that xyz wasn't quite up to scratch. Before this he did it. He is tired of doing it himself and wants someone else to do it, pref not me. I am going to try an ironing service if the starch trick doesn't work. And if he hasn't left me for being such a total bitch by not obeying his every whim, obviously.

Oh MissSunny when I was growing up and my dad was a sexist pig I'd never have believed I'd find myself in the situation I am in. My DH has a wicked sense of humour, is generous and kind and a great dad, keeps the garden beautifully and when he's happy we have a lot of fun together. But when he's stressed out or feeling hard done by from his job/responsibilities he can behave very badly indeed. I don't want your sympathy just advice on how I make him see sense! He is worth the effort IMO. I am trying not to let him get any worse as the years go by and our positions as breadwinner/lucky SAHM get any more firmly entrenced in his mind. Yes I know it's wrong; yes I do tell him so; no I don't want to leave him because of it.

Danceaway, sounds like its a stressful situation all round.

Pity you have to stay in while she cleans, half the fun is going out and coming back to find it all done!

rest assured lots of men think its the woman's job to do the housework and their job to tell you that you havent done it right! You are not alone.

and to misssunny, i dont think its as simple as 'speaking up for yourself' some men have such entrenched views on things like this that no matter how much speaking up is done, they wont accept it - as Danceaway says.

these sorts of threads always attract replies along the lines of .. i wouldnt stand for it, i would leave, tell him to leave, why do you put up with it etc etc etc.

Some women may not have a choice and are looking for ideas of how to cope / deal / negotiate with the difficult men in their lives. Haven't had chance to read all the posts, so maybe there is such advice on here.

Danceaway - you are right to keep hold of a cleaner that you trust and are confident in - try an ironing service at your local dry cleaners for the shirts, they should do a very professional job, or suggest to him that he choose someone, then he cant really complain can he?.

is your dh stressed about anything else and the cleaning is just an outlet to moan about?

Danceaway, am glad you told him no. We've just been through this and DH ended up sacking our cleaner who I know is extremely capable and hard working. He sacked her because we went away for 6 weeks and paid her in full for the time we were away on the basis that she would come in for 3 of those weeks and do spring cleaning. When we got back she clearly hadn't been at all. He lost trust in her which I can understand. But finding a new cleaner has been a PITA and now we have one and she is rubbish, rubbish, rubbish. If you've got someone who you know is doing the best possible in the time then hang on to them.

Thanks givelove, I know my dh is old fashioned and set in his ways but yes he is stressed about work, and this is an outlet. My attitude to life is make the best of things; I miss having a work identity and a social life and office banter but can embrace the great things about being a SAHM. DH is prone to dwell on the negatives of having a well paid job. He doesn't work eves or weekends, has two gorgeous dds and me (!) - faithful, loving and not a bad cook. But he is a moody sod and finds it hard to appreciate what he's got. He's said he's depressed in the past. He thinks he's more sensitive than me (ie. I should be more attuned to his needs than vice versa) and once got really narked cos a waiter told him he was a lucky man to be with me... this was a while ago tho'.

Actually Danceaway, if I were you, I'd go out while she's there. It's horrible moping round the house while someone dusts round you and if she's been working for you for 18 months, what's going to happen? Don't tell your husband though ;)

He is currently extremely narked with me as I told him I'd canvassed MN's opinions and they think I'm right! Perhaps a bit rash of me. But if I don't stick up for myself he'll just get worse. BIOTBogey our cleaner is great and I have heard so many horror stories I can't believe my dh thinks we should lose her. He actually said, The golden rule of cleaners is to change them every 6-12 months so they don't get complacent. ???!!!

spicemonster he usually calls me while she's there. I've never thought it would be to check up on me but thinking about it...

What do I do though - hold out for him to be reasonable? Put up with him being a moody pig? Giving in is not an option. You hear about these men who treat their women badly because they want to end the relationship but don't know how; that's how he makes me feel when he behaves like this, it's just so out of order i can't help but think he may have a hidden agenda.

Paranoia city here I come!!! Aargh bloody men.

your welcome danceaway.

sounds like he might be a little jealous of you? and feeling a bit vulnerable? His role has changed too - now he is the big provider responsible for another adult and children. and getting narked - that's cos he knows it is true!

there is no denying it is hard to be a SAHM if you are used to being at work as you have to reassess how you feel you fit into the world, your identity. But you have to remember you are still that same person, you did all those things and now you are doing something different.

My social life is now day time only!! I meet up with other mums a few times a week but never seem to go out in the dark!!! but its for such a little time in the scheme of things.

• as for me - never want to go back but will have to and soon (deep gloom).

As long as you can see that he is using this as an outlet for his stress, then hopefully it wont get on top of you and make you feel depressed about being at home.

It could be that he thinks you will leave him - that he is not worthy to be with you - that you are too good for him, so he acts up, testing your commitment.

Could he write down exactly what he wants the cleaner to do? would that help him be more confident in her abilities?

Or tell him well if you are so unhappy with the cleaner if, we let her cleaner go, you need to find a replacement before she leaves.

I know givelove, that's why I don't want to start thinking LEAVE HIM! like some advice on here; he's great and I really appreciate him and what he does for us. Just wish he could see how he's taking away any say I have over anything by trying to tell me how to manage the cleaning. I am not a control freak but feel so strongly that I am right about this; I don't want to give in to appease him (1) because it continues a pattern of him being the one in charge, in every area and (2) our cleaner is really good!

oh and as for the golden rule - ask him where that's written down.

everyone i know who has a cleaner (lucky sods) hangs on to them for grim death as the good ones are like gold dust!

Think I'd better step away from this thread; as a SAHM of school age children, I have hobbies, do classes, socialize and generally do pleasant things - and I clean my house!

No one died and made me a princess - and if I'm too good for cleaning what does that make the cleaner?

(Dons overall and adopts hunchbacked posture.'

Givelove he's told me what he wants. Maybe we compromise and I agree to monitor how she does. But honestly she does such a lot it pisses me off that he doesn't appreciate her and that he thinks housework is so easy and quick!!! I don't think he thinks I will leave him; I just don't think he cares too much about anything at times.

that's sad danceaway.

Sounds like you do need to stand your ground on this one.

so he has told you and she does what he wants, so is he then finding other things to pick holes in?

Can he tackle the stress at work? will he talk to you about it?

Some men seek too much control over the silly things in life when they feel out of control in the big areas.

Compromise on the monitoring sounds a good idea, and maybe next time he has a day off, get the cleaner to come and he can monitor her himself - if that wont scare the bejesus out of her!!

Good luck - got to go now. LO has just woken up!!

Maybe your DH needs an outlet for letting off steam. I can tell if DH has not had time to go running or cycling, he gets really irritable.

Cheers givelove I appreciate the support. MMeLindt DH goes to the gym. Hope he's been today. OLOPS I do clean too, things would get in a right state if I left everything to our cleaners 2.5 hrs a week!!

i feel sorry for the cleaner having been a cleaner in the past it is a thankless task doing someone elses housework then going home to do your own do you think she does it for the fun of it no she does it to earn money ..golden rule is to change them every 6 or 12 months ....!!! make him do it himself