To think my Mum should *help* when she comes to stay?

[LittleOneMum]

PLEASE tell me what you think - had a real row with her last night and I need some honest views. Feel all shaky today - I hate arguments!
OK, so my Mum lives in another country. She chose to move there a few years ago. Anyway, she sees DS every couple of months because of this. My PIL come every fortnight or so, because they're about 3 hours drive away.
Anyway, she arrived for a 10 day stay on Sunday night. DH had been at work since 7am and I had been looking affter DS so when she arrived I asked if she could pop out to the shop to buy some bread for lunch. At the time she said nothing.
Yesterday I was at work all day and she hung out with DS and his nanny. Last night, she sat on the couch and watched the Andy Murray match and when I came home she said "What's for dinner?". I am ashamed to say that I said "I have no idea. What's in the fridge? Did you get a chance to buy anything today?"
To which she responded "I'm your guest. I shouldn't have to cook. And by the way, I was really shocked that I had to buy my own lunch yesterday. Couldn't you have done some shopping? If you had come to my house, I would have had lunch ready for you!"
I did not take kindly to this, to put it mildly. I said that PIL usually bloody help and she is not here just as a guest. I work f/t and have a toddler and frankly she is also here to help!
She went to her room at 8pm and I haven't seen her since. Am now at work thinking I am the most selfish and horrid daughter in the world. AAAARGH.
Please help. Am I being unreasonable. i feel like telling her to get lost back home immediately and I would, save that I think that DS having a granny around is actually quite nice,and important. Sorry this is so long.

Was not getting at anyone in particular Laquitar. Just the fact that there didn't appear to be an acknowledgement by later posters that she had accepted she was in the wrong and agreed to apologise to her mum. As I said...that doesn't preclude a wider debate around the subject obviously!

ok

gosh.

i guess it comes down to you and your mum's different views of 'guest.'

fwiw when i have family over i plan ahead all the food, make sure their favourites are in etc. i want thme to enjoy being in my home. i would never send them to the shops for me, especially when they've just arrived from abroad. but then as a family we all do that for each other.

YABU. When I have guests, be they friends or family, I don't expect them to do stuff. When my parents come, they entertain the children whilst I get lunch/whatever. That's what they're there for.

When my parents come to stay they are definitely guests.

Being a guest doesn't mean being polite and distant. We are all close and have a lovely time together and everyone helps out. They are still guests in my house though, and I am excited to see them so go to the effort of cleaning the house, making the spare room nice with flowers and clean towels, cooking nice food that I know everyone will like.

It is sort of a rite of passage; I am an adult woman now with my own family and my own house and I can put on a great weekend for my parents or siblings to enjoy. My parents love it, and feel so proud that I am not a child any more and that the mantle of main hosting duties is being passed on a generation.

I think that you have to expect no help at all, and be grateful if you get it. It doesn't sound as if you were terribly welcoming when your mother arrived, which, in turn, will not particularly make her want to return favours!

About two years ago (before DD) I drove from London to Yorks to see a friend. Traffic was horrendous - took seven hours. My trip had been planned for two months.

I arrived with champagne and a goodie bag for her toddler. I was shattered, hot and pissed off. Said I was gasping for a cup of tea and she said: 'oh i haven't got any milk'....and it really hacked my off. WHY HAVEN'T YOU GOT ANY FUCKING MILK - YOU KNEW I WAS COMING!

Later that night i had to make my own bed up.

Next morning - nothing for breakfast. So I went to supermarket had spent £30 on food.

I think when you have guests (even family) you make an effort - or don't invite them.

I think I would feel rather sad and unwanted if I was treated like this when I went to stay with someone, my child or not.

I would want to help out but I would also hope that some kind of small effort would have been made for my arrival.

When I have guests, no matter how busy I am, parents, inlaws whatever. I always get decent food in and certainly all the basics. I don't really expect any help either. Just good manners I think.

My inlaws are like yours OP, very helpful and very wanting to get involved so when my own parents come there is a marked difference between them that is very noticeable. It is very easy to maybe resent the one who doesn't help out so much when they are not actually doing anything wrong, just not what you have come to expect.

Get her a lovely bunch of flowers or something.

If you'd had bought the shopping and then said in the morning 'is chicken alright for dinner tonight mum?' then when you got home the chicken would probably already ahve been on!
I'd certainly help to that extent if staying with close friends/family. I'd never be so presumptious as to go and do their weekly shop, meal plan AND cook for them though!!

Glad you have decided to apologise. Hope you have a nice week with your Mum

I think YABU - when my mum comes (and our relationship can be strained and I DO expect her to help, me being a working single mum to TWO!!!)
However, I certainly wouldnt expect her to shop on her first day nor TBH to shop at all - I would make sure I did a big internet shop before she came, with easily prepared foods, eg mince, chicken legs etc, but would ask her if she MINDED doing soemthing for dinner while I was at work! I always get in things I know she likes (full fate coke, pate etc)!
I always make her bed up fresh with fresh towels and a bunch of fresh flowers!
I have learned over the years if I need/want her to help I need to be specific, so I ASK if she would mind helping out on specific days, doing certain chores etc!
And I always take her out for a nice meal to say thank you!
TBH you come across as a somewhat spoilt child!

I think you should feel lucky that you are able to see her every two months

YABU
My mum comes every few weeks, always at very short notice. I am in charge of the food, I shop, I plan the meals, etc. It is my house!!!

But she will usually offer to help - usually by asking "whats for dinner?" then when I've answered she will offer to peel spuds or whatever.

I would not expect her to shop or clean.

Incidentally when we go to hers, I do all the cooking! I reckon as there are 5 of us thats only fair - and also she hates cooking.

OK, I consider myself well and truly lambasted [ashamed emoticon]. I genuinely posted here for truthful views, so I am grateful for each and every one of them... (except for the one which said I was spoiled, I am not sure that was fair. I really do try to be considerate)

I have taken a long hard look at myself and yes, you guessed it, I do have underlying issues with my Mum.

But I have now: (a) apologised to her and told her that I really did not intend to make her feel unwelcome when she arrived and that it was thoughtless of me - and that I do love her and value her very much;
(b) am on my way home now and will buy her a big box of chocolates on the way; and
(c) have ordered a huge internet shop for the rest of the week.

Thank you (genuinely). I will think a bit more carefully about her feelings in future. You'd think I'd know better, now being a Mum myself!

If I worked full time and my mum came to stay I wouldn't expect her to go shopping at the beginning of her stay (put she probably would offer when things started to run out. I would expect her to prepare her own lunch, I'd leave something the first day and then expect her to sort herself out, discuss lunch the night before. She'd probably be taking the kids out though rather than hanging round the house all day. I would expect to prepare dinner the first day or so and then she would offer after that, but expect me to show her what is where before I go to work.
If I stay with my sibs who work I would normally be preparing dinner for them in the evening. I wouldn't expect them to come home from work and do dinner if I'd been having a holiday all day. Again we'd discuss it the night before though. Sounds like it's lack of communication that's the problem here. Has your mum not stayed before?

Does she stay for 10 days every fortnight? That's alot of time to be "entertaining" I couldn't cope with that if my "guest" didn't pull their weight. 10 days once a year is manageable, 10 days of fussing over someone every 8 weeks is masochism.

Every 2 months that should be not every fortnight.

LittleOneMum I hope you have a lovely night tonight with your mum. It's difficult isn't it? I have a rather fraught relationship with my mother. My dad and her came to visit this year for the first time in 7 years (we usually go and visit them) and though I really wanted them to come etc, we did end up sniping at each other a lot! But at the end of it all, that's rather normal for our family so it was all forgotten by the time they left and they had a great time (I genuinely think they did!). I did think that when DS came along that I would appreciate mum better but in some way, it has made me less so. DS is in nursery 4 days a week. My mum left me and my brother to be looked after by my grandmother and auntie's family for most of the week. We only went to stay with them during school holidays now and then. To her, she was working to provide the material comforts she thought would make us happy but to me, I could never do the same to DS. She regrets it now and is sad about it but nothing can change the past, we just have to work on our relationship in the present. Hope you resolve whatever issues you have with your mum.

Well done Littleonemum. I know it's hard looking after guests when you work and have a DC, but you have done the gracious thing and regardless of how much or how little your mother does, provided she is fundamentally a decent person then it is nice that she has a relationship with her grandchild.

Littleonemum, what on earth were you thinking? You had the sunday off, spent it with your dc while your dh was at work. Why could you not go and buy a bread? Surely your child is portable enough to take out to the shops?

I am shocked to see that there are people who expect guests and wont even have bothered to have food in the house!

If I have guests coming, I do an enormous internet shop, including wine, to arrive before guests arrive. I prepare a light lunch/dinner, as I appreciate they will be hungry, but might not be up for a heavy meal after travelling.

oh, and I pick up from the airport.

I went abroad to see my friend recently, I was picked up from the airport, she had prepared a lovely quiche from scratch, together with a lovingly prepared banoffie pie for after, a cup of lovely coffee in her garden, I was treated like a queen, and I felt that this is exactly how to make a guest feel welcome.

Your poor mum, arriving from abroad, and she has to go out and buy her own fucking bread.

Littleonemum, well done you - think your mum will be very touched by your response!

And don't take all these negative comments to heart - its very easy to leap in with "the right answer" when you are judging from afar. When you come home from work after a frazzling day it is not so easy. The important thing is that you are now sorting it out.

I would also say that I find these kind of visits quite stressful. Often with my mum I get so excited about the pending visit and build up this huge anticipation and then she arrives and quite quickly we are bickering and then when she goes I miss her madly again!

Having someone in your home when you have your own routines and rhythms is not always easy so be gentle on yourself - and her!

Well done! I hope she has taken the appology in the way it is intended and you are both sharing a bottle of wine and enjoying a fine summer evening by now

Enjoy the rest of the visit!

Good on you. I read OP and thought CRIKEY what a meany. An online shop at least with some ymmy ready mades from say Ocado!

Saying that, I bend over backwards for MIL, soya milf, wheat free bread etc etc and she still sits on her arse and moans. I lost it last time when she moaned the eggs were not Columbian Black Tailed from Waitrose!

YABU. While it would be nice for her to help you you should not expect it. She has come to visit you and she is your guest. You should have made sure there was food in the house for her.

You should definitely have had some dinner ready on the first night. And I'm sure, if your mum felt welcome, shed be giving you plenty of help.