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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my Mum should *help* when she comes to stay?

91 replies

LittleOneMum · 30/06/2009 11:15

PLEASE tell me what you think - had a real row with her last night and I need some honest views. Feel all shaky today - I hate arguments!
OK, so my Mum lives in another country. She chose to move there a few years ago. Anyway, she sees DS every couple of months because of this. My PIL come every fortnight or so, because they're about 3 hours drive away.
Anyway, she arrived for a 10 day stay on Sunday night. DH had been at work since 7am and I had been looking affter DS so when she arrived I asked if she could pop out to the shop to buy some bread for lunch. At the time she said nothing.
Yesterday I was at work all day and she hung out with DS and his nanny. Last night, she sat on the couch and watched the Andy Murray match and when I came home she said "What's for dinner?". I am ashamed to say that I said "I have no idea. What's in the fridge? Did you get a chance to buy anything today?"
To which she responded "I'm your guest. I shouldn't have to cook. And by the way, I was really shocked that I had to buy my own lunch yesterday. Couldn't you have done some shopping? If you had come to my house, I would have had lunch ready for you!"
I did not take kindly to this, to put it mildly. I said that PIL usually bloody help and she is not here just as a guest. I work f/t and have a toddler and frankly she is also here to help!
She went to her room at 8pm and I haven't seen her since. Am now at work thinking I am the most selfish and horrid daughter in the world. AAAARGH.
Please help. Am I being unreasonable. i feel like telling her to get lost back home immediately and I would, save that I think that DS having a granny around is actually quite nice,and important. Sorry this is so long.

OP posts:
meemarsgotabrandnewbump · 30/06/2009 11:37

I think you should apologise otherwise you will have an awful week with her.

Explain that you hoped she wouldn't mind helping out a bit more, because it's hard work seeing to her needs as well as working full time and looking after your DS.

Hopefully it might guilt her into lifting her finger a bit more

auntyitaly · 30/06/2009 11:37

Although I don't want to, I sympathise with your Mum.

Arriving somewhere after a journey (from abroad) to find no meal, nowt, is not welcoming or that pleasant, to be honest. It's happened to me with others who have small children and, following no other meals appearing, I didn't want to go back.

Whether or not you mean it, you are sending the message that your mum has not been invited for a visit and to see you and the DCs - but that you've recruited her for 10 days of unpaid childcare and catering. what sort of invitation is that? Would you accept one like it?

You are also sending the message that you think your toddler is more important than everyone else in the family, which probably won't go down too well either with many people (inc, in the end, your DS).

I'm sure you're tired and you want help. But remember that, however badly you're coping, you're not entitled to treat relations/friends as the unpaid hired help.

If you ask directly for help, you may be surprised how much you get.

hmc · 30/06/2009 11:39

And since when has your mother / father been a 'guest'? (as quaintly observed on this thread). What a strange conceptualisation. In my world, my parents are 'family' and are expected to muck in as all families surely do???

I will not be sauntering off to stay with my daughter as an elderly lady and expecting her to treat me like a 'guest'. In fact I would be positively offended if she did

GuessWhatIAmANameChanger · 30/06/2009 11:39

If she had not been there you would have had to shop for lunch and dinner anyway so youare not really running around after her ar you? I mean, you are just doing what you would normally do but buying extra for her.

Did you ask her to get something for lunch? I understand you are working full time but you have one child and a nanny, I don't really think it is too much to expect you to have lunch in for a guest who has traveled that far or to ask for help rather than expect it.

I think YABU and should appologise. If you want help ask politely don't expect her to mind read.

angel1976 · 30/06/2009 11:40

I'm sure it will be fine once you apologise. We never did as many takeaways as we did when my parents came to visit! But it did mean taking the pressure off a bit. It could be worse... At least with your own mum, things will be forgiven and forgotten! P.S. I did have a few sharp words with my mum when she was staying with us but she and my dad had a great time with DS so it's all forgotten!

lisasimpson · 30/06/2009 11:41

So you were expecting to have a guest for 10 days and not thought ahead to either a) planning any meals b) shopping for it - yes you need to apologise!

12StoneNeedsToBe10 · 30/06/2009 11:42

LOM - I think YABU for the first part of your OP, I can't understand why you didn't have something already planned.

The second part, I don't think YABU.

Littlelamb - if OP's mother wasn't there she'd no doubt have started the dinner. But the fact is, her mother had been at home all day then expected to be fed when OP got in from work. It's not as if she'd been expected to look after the DGs as the nanny was there too. Even if she'd just peeled some spuds or something, would have been a help.

BexieID · 30/06/2009 11:43

There is no way my mum would have asked what was for dinner after i'd been working all day. Although, I probably would have got a lasagne ready meal in for her and a Jacket potato for her to do. And I would have made sure there was something in for lunch for her to make. Soup would do. I'm lucky that we live in the middle of town, so shops are right on our doorstep.

When my parents stay they help out and goto the shops if needed. They usually come up early on a Sunday, so get here about midday. I usually do them bacon and egg rolls for lunch and DP and me do a roast beef dinner whilst they are entertaining Tom. If it's nice out, they take him to the park.

They wash up, make lunch/help with dinner through the week. Take me and Tom out for treats.

I feel guilty that I don't do as much when we go and stay with them. My mum is a bit funny about who cooks in her kitchen though.

stillstanding · 30/06/2009 11:43

Families do muck in, hmc - I agree. But it is imo a bit much to ask someone to come to your home and then sort out their own meals etc. They don't know the shops or necessarily how the house is run and it can be quite interfering when people arrive and then take over (as my MIL proves repeatedly).

And it is so nice to go somewhere as a guest (family or otherwise) and be taken care of. My parents are like that and I love going there - so relaxing and a real holiday. So when they come to me I like to reciprocate.

zeke · 30/06/2009 11:44

I think you are both being slightly unreasonable, but mainly your mum.

You probably should have shopped for lunch and dinner for the first day or two of her stay.

I think most people, and certainly a parent and grandparent of a young child, would be want to help out and it would be a natural thing to do and expect. Any reasonable houseguest would pitch in with the chores, and definately do a fair share of housework if staying for more than a couple of days - without asking if you 'need' help!

I'm afraid my MIL is the same. We invited them round for supper last night (I didn't need or expect help), and she waited until everything was prepared and everything was out on the table (we were eating in the garden) before she asked if I needed any help. LOL - a MIL classic! She didn't help out at all when my son was little (only offered after any help would be useful!) but apparenty had her own mother round helping out loads when her kids were born (my mum is dead btw and she lives 5 mins away). Never invites us round for meals - it is always 'our' turn.

12StoneNeedsToBe10 · 30/06/2009 11:44

agree with HMC

Bougainvillia · 30/06/2009 11:44

auntyitaly is right about it not being very welcoming. The message is that you couldn't be bothered to go to any effort on her behalf, when she's made the big journey to see you.

1dilemma · 30/06/2009 11:44

Actually I think that you lot are being a bit hard on the OP (although it depends whether it is a pattern of behaviour or a one off) she has hardly recruited her mother for 10 days of unpaid childcare she has a nanny!

Although I do think not having any bread in when she arrived is a bit unfortunate esp since it was a Sunday (presuming you don't work weekends)

Interesting views on whether your Mother is a guest or not (I'm not sure what the answer is to that one by the way)

ginnny · 30/06/2009 11:45

YABU. Sorry.
Just because she's your Mum, she is still a guest (presumably you invited her) so you should at least have got some food in for when she arrived.
It comes across like you are very resentful for some reason and maybe you need to have an open talk about her visits and her moving away or whatever it is that is upsetting you.

hmc · 30/06/2009 11:48

Being a guest or not is not do with the act of inviting ginnny, it is to do with the relationship between yourself and the person staying in your house. I personally feel that considering your mother as a guest implies a slightly detached not emotionally close relationship - but perhaps thats just me.

ginnny · 30/06/2009 11:53

Hmc - I always think of a guest being someone who doesn't live there that has been invited to stay. Just a different perspective I suppose.
My Mum lives very close to us and visits regularly, she will make herself cups of tea / drinks for the dc etc and do the washing up sometimes, same as I do when I go to hers, but still I think of her as a guest and consider myself a guest in her house (even though I grew up there and it used to be my home)

GuessWhatIAmANameChanger · 30/06/2009 11:53

I don't think that family are "guests" as such but family or not, it is basic manners to have food in the house when someone arrives! Hoping someone will muck in is one thing, expecting someone to spend the day with the nanny, go shopping and start tea without even indicationg that is what you would like is very different and crosses lines IMO!

Laquitar · 30/06/2009 11:55

I am that she came from another country and when she arrived you sent her to buy bread!(and it was your day off!)

She doesn't have to cook tea. Fine if she wants to but she doesn't have to.
You say that you would tell her to go back but you don't because it is nice for ds to have granny. Not mention at all about HER feelings , it's all about YOU.

Unless you have other -justified- issues with her YABU and selfish.

notyummy · 30/06/2009 12:01

Hey, hey people....read the thread! OP (very unusually for a AIBU thread....) has taken on board people's views and admitted that she dealt with it in a less than ideal way.

I also work, with a long commute and have a toddler. We quite often have people (inc family) to stay because we live a fiar distance away from friends and family.

My top tip to the OP would be a food delivery from whatever your favourite supermarket is, timed to arrive the day before, or the morning of your guest's arrival. Makes life MUCH easier.

I would expect parents to help out a little when they come to stay (perhaps not buying their own food and making the meals...) But perhaps offering to help out with childcare, or whatever would be acceptable

GuessWhatIAmANameChanger · 30/06/2009 12:06

I think the conversation has moved on from addressing the op as such to discussing the ins and outs of the situation. It is great that the op has taken it on board but that does not mean we cannot continue to discuss or express views!

notyummy · 30/06/2009 12:12

Nothing wrong with continuing the debate guess, but it is clear that some of the posters haven't read the OP's responses and are still basing their views on the original post.

hmc · 30/06/2009 12:13

Quite - it's an interesting discussion - and we'll decide when its over thanks!

hmc · 30/06/2009 12:14

X-posts; oh I agree with that bit. She's still getting lambasted even though she has moderated her position now

clemette · 30/06/2009 12:19

I think YABa little U but can completely understand where you are coming from. I can't spend a lunchtime with my mother without reacting to her so you are doing quite well to have done one full day.
Spending time with my own mother makes me surly, sarcastic, and argumentative - it is like I haven't changed since I left home as a teenager...

Laquitar · 30/06/2009 12:20

Notyummy,
did you mean me?
If so, i ve read the thread and there is not mention of how her mum might have felt. Yes it is nice that OP will offer apology but i still think that her post is all about her feelings.