Am I being unreasonable or is this verbal abuse?

[Bunnysoprano]

DP and I both have quite short tempers. However, I would say that I am a better "arguer" than him in that I dont usually resort to name calling etc as it is something that I really do not like. DP quite recently has taken to calling me a "bastard" and a "lazy bastard" and a "selfish bastard" during arguments which I find very upsetting - for some reason the word really upsets me.

DP works fairly regular hours whilst I dont. He usually gets home about 6 and I get home about half seven. I usually cook dinner which I dont mind but am feeling really exhausted today. DP will do a little cleaning up when he comes in but not much - ie he will perhaps half wash his lunch box but would never empty the dishwasher - I have to do that whilst cooking etc.

When I came in this evening, DP was faffing about saying that he had got a letter from his professional body and had to send them 5 years worth of CPD records. He said that he had 14 days to do it and had 99% of the info but was looking for one certificate, I think. That being the case, no half tidying up had been done. I came in to the kitchen to find breakfast bowls shoved in the sink in the cold, dirty water that last night's roasting pan was soaking in.

I asked him if he would be able to help me clean up while I cooked as I was exhausted and wanted the decks clear for cooking. He said that he had to finish the CPD but would help after. I was a bit pissed off but didnt say anything, cleaned up the kitchen and cooked his dinner. I then called him for dinner and said (half jokingly.....OK, it was a dig) "But dont bother coming for the food if it would disrupt your CPD recording!". DP then exploded and called me a lazy bastard and said that I was being a dictator. I said that I wasn't but I really needed a little bit of help and couldn't he have given me 15 minutes of his time and then finshed the CPD? I also asked him not to call me a bastard. He responded by shouting at me again and calling me a bastard. His position is that essentially I MAKE him do that by my behaviour. My response to this is that he is not a child and has to take responsabilty for his own behaviour and no one should make him do anything.

I didn't say anything but walked upstairs and packed a bag to leave. I then drove around for an hour and a half or so wondering what to do. I originally planned to go to a hotel. However, my parents are coming on Thursday night and I knew that if I left the house would degenerate in to a total mess and DP would not do anything to prepare for them. Separately, it was my sister's wedding last week which was wonderful and they are so happy and pleased about that that the last thing I want to do is let them know that anything is wrong when they come to visit.

That being the case, I have now come home. DP had not bothered to clear the kitchen after dinner so I have spent the last half an hour tidying up.

I don't really know what to do. Am thinking of sleeping in an other room tonight but that will mean another change of sheets before my parents come. I am actually in tears at the moment thinking of them coming. I am the first person to admit that I can be difficult but I know that my parents would be horrified to know that my DP speak to me like this and I find it really upsetting too.

We're not married and I am wondering if I am just being over sensitive about this and should just put up with it. It really upsets me to think that we could have children in the future and they could hear DP calling me a bastard at the top of his voice.

Can you help me get some perspective on this and tell me if I am being unreasonable and all couples behave like this at one time or another - my parents don't act like this and neither did my previous long term partner (although he had his faults). There is clearly no way that my DP is going to apologise so I dont know what to do

Aaaw - Bunny, I'm so sorry. That sounds like a shitty conversation and not at all constructive

Although what he said is obviously a load of crap it does sound like you got narked and maybe the point of what you were saying got lost in the argument?

I liked your idea yesterday of writing it all down in a letter. It would mean that what you wanted to say was entirely controlled (and crucially editable!) and he wouldn't be able to interrupt and annoy you into missing the points you wanted to enunciate.

What do you think?

How long have you been together? Sometimes it takes a while to start livingtogether in harmony.

You and your dh sound just like me and mine when we were younger. We were both stubborn and used to argue a lot. Dh used to resort to name calling too as I was the better arguer too. I once applauded him for it and said 'well done! You really are on top form!'

My dh has matured a lot now and is a lot more helpful and understanding.

you both sound like point scoring children - grow up

So he cooked for himself, and tidied up, but did not make enough for you?

He blames you for the bad way he is treating you? You are so horrid, you deserve being called a bastard.

This is the kind of thinking that scares me. When a man is totally unable to take self criticism, when a man is unable to go into himself and see his own faults, but choses to just blame the partner. YOU make me call you bastard, you are so horrid.
You make me hit you, you are so horrid.
etc.

Nothing can ever be resolved with a man who can justify being manipulative like this, and shifts the blame for his own bad behaviour to the woman. You made me call you bastard. You deserve it. The next step, when you have accpeted being called a bastard, what do you think it is? When calling you bastard is not getting the same emotional results from you? What do you think he might do then, to get this level of emotional outpouring from you?

One of the worst things I have witnessed (and the social services got involved) was when a mum at my sons school was told her son had been a bit disruptive in class, and she took him around the corner whacked her son across the head, he lay trembling on the ground while she said "LOOK what you made me do" - thereby taking no responsibility for her own actions, and blamed a 6 year old boy for her having hit him hard.

This mindset and this attitude is the scaries of them all.

You are still young, you dont have kids, I would up and leave. It will not get better if he cant see that he is in the wrong, but justifyes his behaviour saying You made him do it, because you are so horrible.

This is not how a man in love behaves. This is not how a man who treasures and cherishes his partner behaves.

You need to talk to him, calmly and without losing your rag, about his behaviour. And you need to stop the name calling too. And tell him it will not be acceptable for EITHER of you to call eachother names.

Bunny, he sounds like a nightmare. I'd say get rid, too.

FWIW - and the housework is only a small part of the problem with this r'ship so it might be something to keep in mind for the nicer man you will hopefully meet soon! - I always take exception to the phrase 'helping' round the house.

That implies it's your job, and he's graciously doing a bit of it for you.

My DH doesn't help - he does HIS FAIR SHARE of cleaning and maintaining the flat we bought together, and caring for the child we created together.

It's only a small word but it says a lot, you know?

Good luck.

Maybe he wants out of the relationship too. Sometimes people (especially men) are too cowardly to come out and say it and so they behave badly in the hope you might end things - and they don't feel like the bad guy.

It makes me sad that you are with a man who speaks to you like he does and blames you for his failings and expects to be looked after and you are not married and you don't have kids to tie you to him. I know lots of women in these sort of relationships but they always say they stick with it because of the children....you could be off tomorrow without a backward glance and not have to put up with his shit.

Whatever you do don't marry him or have a baby with this man unless he makes massive changes.

I am a decade ahead of you. My friends whose partners behaved like this in our twenties are now either single mums or trapped in awful relationships. You've had early warning that you are not compatible, so listen to your instincts.

You are both young, child free and in great, if stressful, jobs. Life should be brillant right now! As others have said, when you add a couple of kids into the mix your life may well become hellish. Run for the hills is the sincere advice of this very, very old lady!