Am I being unreasonable or is this verbal abuse?

[Bunnysoprano]

DP and I both have quite short tempers. However, I would say that I am a better "arguer" than him in that I dont usually resort to name calling etc as it is something that I really do not like. DP quite recently has taken to calling me a "bastard" and a "lazy bastard" and a "selfish bastard" during arguments which I find very upsetting - for some reason the word really upsets me.

DP works fairly regular hours whilst I dont. He usually gets home about 6 and I get home about half seven. I usually cook dinner which I dont mind but am feeling really exhausted today. DP will do a little cleaning up when he comes in but not much - ie he will perhaps half wash his lunch box but would never empty the dishwasher - I have to do that whilst cooking etc.

When I came in this evening, DP was faffing about saying that he had got a letter from his professional body and had to send them 5 years worth of CPD records. He said that he had 14 days to do it and had 99% of the info but was looking for one certificate, I think. That being the case, no half tidying up had been done. I came in to the kitchen to find breakfast bowls shoved in the sink in the cold, dirty water that last night's roasting pan was soaking in.

I asked him if he would be able to help me clean up while I cooked as I was exhausted and wanted the decks clear for cooking. He said that he had to finish the CPD but would help after. I was a bit pissed off but didnt say anything, cleaned up the kitchen and cooked his dinner. I then called him for dinner and said (half jokingly.....OK, it was a dig) "But dont bother coming for the food if it would disrupt your CPD recording!". DP then exploded and called me a lazy bastard and said that I was being a dictator. I said that I wasn't but I really needed a little bit of help and couldn't he have given me 15 minutes of his time and then finshed the CPD? I also asked him not to call me a bastard. He responded by shouting at me again and calling me a bastard. His position is that essentially I MAKE him do that by my behaviour. My response to this is that he is not a child and has to take responsabilty for his own behaviour and no one should make him do anything.

I didn't say anything but walked upstairs and packed a bag to leave. I then drove around for an hour and a half or so wondering what to do. I originally planned to go to a hotel. However, my parents are coming on Thursday night and I knew that if I left the house would degenerate in to a total mess and DP would not do anything to prepare for them. Separately, it was my sister's wedding last week which was wonderful and they are so happy and pleased about that that the last thing I want to do is let them know that anything is wrong when they come to visit.

That being the case, I have now come home. DP had not bothered to clear the kitchen after dinner so I have spent the last half an hour tidying up.

I don't really know what to do. Am thinking of sleeping in an other room tonight but that will mean another change of sheets before my parents come. I am actually in tears at the moment thinking of them coming. I am the first person to admit that I can be difficult but I know that my parents would be horrified to know that my DP speak to me like this and I find it really upsetting too.

We're not married and I am wondering if I am just being over sensitive about this and should just put up with it. It really upsets me to think that we could have children in the future and they could hear DP calling me a bastard at the top of his voice.

Can you help me get some perspective on this and tell me if I am being unreasonable and all couples behave like this at one time or another - my parents don't act like this and neither did my previous long term partner (although he had his faults). There is clearly no way that my DP is going to apologise so I dont know what to do

i hate to disagree with you Shineon (I normally don't) but I don't believe the issue here is dv. It's about the daily grind and being with someone who doesn't think it's his god-given right to have his dinner on the table and a clean house with no contribution from him and a bit of verbal abuse thrown in for good measure.

Left alone I truly believe it will get worse. The OP seems to feel as if she should just put up or shut up and to me is simply wrong. There should be a middle ground. She shouldn't have to come home from work and have to deal with all the crap - those kind of arguments shouldn't crop up now.

So far as calling him a twat is concerned, I'm sure the OP will correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds as if it's self-defence. IME name-calling begets name-calling. That and the comment that they argue frequently makes me think that it's time for a real consideration as to whether or not this relationship really will work once the added strain of children is brought into the mix. God knows parenting is hard anyway - if you get called lazy because the other person wants to call the shots then it's going to be a real nightmare, in the truest sense of the word.

I'm pretty much with Shineon on this but I do think that you have to make him understand how much the name calling affects you. There is probably no point in doing that when you are both worked up and pissed off so I'd leave it tonight and then tackle the issue tomorrow.

Hi all - your messages are really helpful.

I agree that we are both as bad as each other to a certain extent and there is an amount of tit for tat going on. However, I am just so bloody tired. I leave for work in the morning and DP is in bed. I get home most nights at 7:30pm or so. Sometimes it can be 10pm or later if I have to work late and DP seems to do absolutely nothing.

We have had massive arguments about the fact that when I come home really late, he wont even bother to get up and open the door or even offer me a drink. He now does both of these things but I don't really think that I should have to prod him to do so, it is just common decency.

He goes for a run when he comes home and then has a shower and watches tv. I have asked him to unpack the dishwasher but it sees to fall on deaf ears. He will do little bits of tidying in the kitchen (of his own things so why the hell shouldn't he). He will walk over things on the stairs rather than pick them up and take then up or down stairs.

I have said to him that I think we should go to Relate to learn to communicate better but he has point blank refused to do that.

I have to admit that I am really worried about what will happen the in the future. My dad has always been fairly good about helping round the house; mostly because he doesn't want my mum running around ragged. However, DP doesn't seem to have the same qualms. His dad seems to help out a bit around the house. DP's view is that he has a very important and stressful job ( he is a dentist) and therefore must be able to relax at home. In his view, my job (lawyer) is not so stressful etc and therefore I don't seem to require the same down time (according to him). When I flip - usually when I arrive home at 10:30pm at night to see DP sitting on his arse while I look through my bag for my keys in the dark (doesnt bother to put on porch light) - DP blames this on the stress of my job and says that I should learn not to bring it home with me!

Phew...rant over.

I think you should monitor the situation and see how you feel in a while.
It may be now that you have actually voiced the concerns that they will crystallise and that you will realise that this relationship has no future.Or it may be that you can see the issues and address them.
But it seems to me that he sees no reason to change and that as others say, this will get worse once you have children.
It doesn't sound like he has much respect for you tbh.

I dont think it is abuse, and I dont think it is dv, but I would not want to live with this man!

He calls you lazy. You work longer hours, you do most of the housework, how very dare he!?

If he calls you lazy, it is because he still thinks you could do more. IE his part. He has to tidy because YOU are lazy, and my bet is that he really resent this. More worrying, he does neither acknowledge nor appreciate what you actually do. Very sad.

You need to get this sorted. And pretty quick too.

I have just seen your latest post.

This man is not going to change.

DO you WANT to put up with this for the rest of your life?

Do you WANT to have children with this man, and then most likely be looking after him AND the kids?

I think that if he possibly is already such a lazy lump then it's highly likely things won't change when babies come along unless it's tackled now.
The name calling sounds tit for tat but it seems your real issues are those of his lack of contribution to the home and it's day to day maintenance.
For a start i would stop cooking when i got in from work after him. I would come in, make my own and sit and eat it in front of him.
You have to communicate and tackle this before babies come along, because you will really understand the word exhausted then

By droile, back in the day:
"Skara, I'm so pleased about your epiphany and hope he keeps it up. I know what you mean about your sister's situation. TBH, one of my closest friends is a single parent, and although she wouldn't and couldn't have stayed with her partner, it scares me to witness the life she is leading. It's a real strain on her having to be everything to her children and she often cries when she sees nuclear families out together. To sum up my position, when I'm not plotting DH's sudden demise, when I'm feeling content with my lot, I see him as some massively expensive huge organic fruit that I buy for my kids to eat each week. He costs me about 6 hours a day of work, but he provides them with safety, extra self-esteem, and extra emotional nourishment... blah blah ... I suppose if there was an equivalent fruit that provided fantastic physiological nourishment (like brreast milk) we would buy it if we could. To survive, that's how I have to balance the bad side, but it gets really hard when I realise how little he cares for my feelings in this matter - that's when I offload onto these boards. During the worst moments, I suppose my addition to the fruit analogy would be that it's a fruit that I'm allergic to. It makes me ill sometimes, but it makes my kids better than well."
That's what things end up like once you ahve kids...

OMG he does sound like a twat! Sorry, I know that's not helpful.

FWIW H wasn't that bad when I first met him as I'm sure neither was your DP. I'm in shock that you're having the competitive tiredness argument now - how completely stupid that his job could be more stressful than yours. Does he pull his weight at all around the house or do you end up doing everything?

It does speak volumes for his commitment to moving on the relationship that he won't try to work on those problems or even acknowledge some responsibility. Have you talked about children? If he's that insensitive to your needs now, what about your first night at home with the baby when you need literally to be waited on hand and foot?

I think you need to have the make or break conversation sooner rather than later. If you expect to carry on in your career, then he will need to be supportive on the home front so to speak. Even if you give up work/are on maternity leave, you're not a machine fgs.

Have you managed to speak to him at all tonight? Do you think you can have a constructive conversation with him tomorrow?

and if we are on the question of children would it be acceptable for children to hear their father talk to their mother in this way? and their mother talk to their father the same? gives the wrong message imo. how would you react if she had said her 5 year old had called her a bastard because he hears daddy do it?

(i mean WHEN and IF she has DC with this fella - its hyperthetical!)

Run for the hills. I can't see any redeeming features in him whatsoever. If he's a bone idle twat now, he's not going to suddenly get his act together when or if you have children. It's much more likely that he will become worse. Do you want to be 50 or 60 and still having no spontaneous support whatsoever in your life?

Re your parents - they really are the least of your problems. Call them and tell them to hold off with their visit for a while, that you have some problems. They'll worry, as parents do, but they'll be OK.

Aaah, the sweet smell of vindication

Bunnysoprano - I do hope I'm not coming across as too harsh in my posts. There is some truth in what Shineon said previously about our own experience colouring our advice. If I could turn back time, I would run screaming from H's first request for a date and subsequently thank my lucky stars.

No one is saying he's irredeemable but it's pretty hard to work on a problem if the other person resolutely refuses to accept that there is a problem.

what do you think about the short sharp shock method? Any chance you could confide in your parents and maybe have a mini break with them next week when they come down?

Thats right. Once you have kids, you will be much less likely to leave, and men knows that, so in many cases, their behaviour worsen. You have put up with their lazy and bastardly ways without kids, when leaving them is relatively easy. With kids, you are trapped. Because there will allways be the emotional blackmail "do you really want your kids to grow up without their dad?" and "Do you really want to be a single mum?" SO you stay, you grin and bear it, for the kids, because you cant face leaving, you cant face the emotional upheaval when you have little children who loves their dad and knows nothing of adult behaviour and division of labour in the home. And you cant face the stress, but most of all, children are expensive, and you may have issues such as childcare, and nursery expenses if you work, and you may simply not afford to part ways.

Such is life.

I'm actually wondering about printing out this thread and giving it to him. Not to say "Look! Everyone agrees with me." but to show him exactly how I feel in writing.

He does do the gardening, puts out bins etc does small amounts of washing up. He will also change the bed at the weekend as and when he feels like it. He will also do some of his own washing and take sheets off the bed if his family have been to stay (with nagging). I insist on changing the sheets everytime someone has been in the bed. He thinks this is over kill (bleeahh) so will sometimes refuse to take of the sheets. Thankfully we have a WONDERFUL cleaning lady - if not I would be on my knees.

I run round like a mad thing if his family are coming to stay. Partly because I am very house proud but also because I want things to be nice for them because I like them but more importantly for him. If I say after they leave that I am tired and need help, he will say that no one asked me to do that work so that was my fault. My response is that I did it because I wanted to but I do find that hurtful.

Bizarrely, I keep hearing from his friends that he has been telling them how hard I am working - however no acknowledgement of that to me

oh dear.

He sounds a total arse. Sorry.

DTMFA

A useful acronym I picked up here yesterday

Not abusive per se, but you don't need to settle for this, and he's in no danger of changing by the sound of it. Shiney can tell you that I'm an appalling judge of character though, so do feel free to ignore me...

This is only going to eat you up now that you have acknowledged it.

What do people think about showing him the thread? My feeling is that he would just dismiss it all.

I think he would go radge if you showed him the thread and "bastard" may be one of the kinder things he utters...not recommended in my view!

I showed H a thread once - it made no difference and just made him take the piss more and now he makes nasty comments every time I MN which is why I do it when he's not around.

Last week I told him that other people thought his laziness was unreasonable too, to which he replied "Oh have you been on Mumsnet to get an opinion..haha". You should have seen his face when I told him that it was a rl friend

God, he's such a wanking bastard