Am I being unreasonable or is this verbal abuse?

[Bunnysoprano]

DP and I both have quite short tempers. However, I would say that I am a better "arguer" than him in that I dont usually resort to name calling etc as it is something that I really do not like. DP quite recently has taken to calling me a "bastard" and a "lazy bastard" and a "selfish bastard" during arguments which I find very upsetting - for some reason the word really upsets me.

DP works fairly regular hours whilst I dont. He usually gets home about 6 and I get home about half seven. I usually cook dinner which I dont mind but am feeling really exhausted today. DP will do a little cleaning up when he comes in but not much - ie he will perhaps half wash his lunch box but would never empty the dishwasher - I have to do that whilst cooking etc.

When I came in this evening, DP was faffing about saying that he had got a letter from his professional body and had to send them 5 years worth of CPD records. He said that he had 14 days to do it and had 99% of the info but was looking for one certificate, I think. That being the case, no half tidying up had been done. I came in to the kitchen to find breakfast bowls shoved in the sink in the cold, dirty water that last night's roasting pan was soaking in.

I asked him if he would be able to help me clean up while I cooked as I was exhausted and wanted the decks clear for cooking. He said that he had to finish the CPD but would help after. I was a bit pissed off but didnt say anything, cleaned up the kitchen and cooked his dinner. I then called him for dinner and said (half jokingly.....OK, it was a dig) "But dont bother coming for the food if it would disrupt your CPD recording!". DP then exploded and called me a lazy bastard and said that I was being a dictator. I said that I wasn't but I really needed a little bit of help and couldn't he have given me 15 minutes of his time and then finshed the CPD? I also asked him not to call me a bastard. He responded by shouting at me again and calling me a bastard. His position is that essentially I MAKE him do that by my behaviour. My response to this is that he is not a child and has to take responsabilty for his own behaviour and no one should make him do anything.

I didn't say anything but walked upstairs and packed a bag to leave. I then drove around for an hour and a half or so wondering what to do. I originally planned to go to a hotel. However, my parents are coming on Thursday night and I knew that if I left the house would degenerate in to a total mess and DP would not do anything to prepare for them. Separately, it was my sister's wedding last week which was wonderful and they are so happy and pleased about that that the last thing I want to do is let them know that anything is wrong when they come to visit.

That being the case, I have now come home. DP had not bothered to clear the kitchen after dinner so I have spent the last half an hour tidying up.

I don't really know what to do. Am thinking of sleeping in an other room tonight but that will mean another change of sheets before my parents come. I am actually in tears at the moment thinking of them coming. I am the first person to admit that I can be difficult but I know that my parents would be horrified to know that my DP speak to me like this and I find it really upsetting too.

We're not married and I am wondering if I am just being over sensitive about this and should just put up with it. It really upsets me to think that we could have children in the future and they could hear DP calling me a bastard at the top of his voice.

Can you help me get some perspective on this and tell me if I am being unreasonable and all couples behave like this at one time or another - my parents don't act like this and neither did my previous long term partner (although he had his faults). There is clearly no way that my DP is going to apologise so I dont know what to do

he doesn't sound as if he has any respect for you at all. And you are clearly not happy being a doormat.

Time to think about exactly what you are getting out of this relationship.

I suppose he feels that he doesn't need to change - things are working really well for him on the housework front!

After a period of quiet reflection, I now realise that I don't think he is emotionally abusive re the language. However, he does seem to have a clear case of lazy arse-itis and I was focussing on the wrong problem to start with. It is amazing how cathartic it is writing everything down!

Everything you have all said makes perfect sense. However, I feel that I need to have one last chance to try and sort this out as he does have some redeeming features. If only so there are no if onlys. Any tips as to how I can do that. Presumably, I need to be consistent. However, should I try a list? Should I cut him a bit of slack re standards to start with?

It's always stuck with me that post, shiney. Not sure where droile got to; she was very good with words. I don't think that's really how many single parents necessarily feel but I guess it's how single parenting appears to someone who is holding on to a very unsustaining marriage for the sake of her children. Bunny, you don't need to be that person.

I think he would dismiss it all actually and would have the same reaction as School Girls (D?)H.

I am sorely tempted to speak to his mother as she would be very angry if she knew he was speaking to me like that. However, not sure how exactly I could start that conversation.

Bunny - you need to get him to listen and understand that there's a problem before you can move on to list-making and the like imo

Do you think you can talk to him about how you're feeling and that something will get through?

Definitely not DH - let that be a salutary tale for you!

Don't speak to his mother under any circumstances - he won't thank you for it and it will unnecessarily complicate the dynamic of your relationship I think.

It has to be something you as a couple can agree on - maybe you should have the "change or it's over" conversation....?

It is the listening and accepting point that may be the sticking point. One of my friends suggested going on strike but I can't bear the thought of coming home to a filthy house.

I might try tomorrow by writing a letter to him. However, whatever happens, this needs to change.

I have already told him that he can be "right" (in his opinion) and on his own or compromise and we can stay together. Up to him...

He's bloody lucky to have you in my humble opinion. Of the women you work with, how many do you think would put up with his selfish ways? I think that you have to expect more for yourself as well as from him.

At the moment your partner is coming over as a bone idle twat with a massive attitude problem. TBH I could see this turning into emotional abuse later down the line - he already accuses of you "making" him call you names, his job is oh so more important and stressful than yours etc, I think the seeds are there given the lack of respect he is showing for you as a person compared to him. I'm in the DTMFA camp.

Not sure if it is the dentist thing, Dittany. However, one fact that I think is material is that I am his first "serious" girlfriend. He had lots of short term relationships and then seemed to go through his dental nurses like a dose of salts - at a different practice than the one is he is at now.

In a way, he has no emotional baggage (unlike me). However, I wish that he had had the chance to "practise" living with someone before me to smooth of the rough corners. However, perhaps this is irrelevant and he would still be a lazy lump albeit with a VERY stressful and important job

Sorry BunnySoprano - I'm off to bed now but I will be checking in tomorrow to see if there's been any arse-kicking (in the purely non-violent sense of the word of course!). good luck in dealing with him and keep saying to yourself that you're worth soooo much more than this

schoolgirl is 100% right.

You are wavering about whether being called a lazy bastard is abuse. Well, you won't be undecided for too much longer because he will soon graduate to calling you a fucking cunt and plenty more besides. This is a man who does not know that it is inappropriate, wrong and utterly disrespectful to shout verbal abuse at the person he shares his life with. Never mind the housework. That's not your main problem.

I was very glad to see that you don't have kids with this ignorant oik. It gives you time to come to your senses and get out before too much damage is done to your self esteem.

He didn't used to do this and now he does. It will escalate. Every time he kicks off and screeches his nasty abusive little head off at you just imagine a couple of toddlers stood beside you listening to it. That's your future if you don't a) leave him or b) give him such a short sharp shock that he never does it again. I wouldn't hold out much hope on the latter.

Oh and as for worrying what your parents think? he'll probably do it in front of them as well eventually. Why not if he thinks its an acceptable way to react when you wind him up?

Just get rid. Save yourself any more misery. Find someone who knows how to behave and how to treat a woman.

I'm 31 and he is 29. Parents come perhaps once a month or so. However, we recently went on a cruise with his parents (selected by them as that was what they wanted for their 30th wedding anniversary) so probably spent more time with his parents than mine as mine live in Scotland. I moved down here to live with him.

You are right that I can be quite anal about cleaning etc and to a certain extent, I think I make a rod for my own back as I think I can tidy up etc better than him. However, as I have to tell him 50 times a day to do something, it just seems quicker to do it myself.

I think my partner does accept that my job is stressful. However, he would never admit it to me as, I think, somehow he thinks that this makes my job more "important" than his. Someone said above about getting caught in a competative spiral re this. To a certain extent this is true. I will work for a week until 12 at night and be shattered. This is just a matter of fact and doesn't mean that my job is "harder" or "better" than his. However, he wont acknowledge this or accept that I need more support. Instead, he will focus on the fact that he has been left alone for that week and therefore needs more support etc from me.

What you have said about a series of short relationships and going through his dental nurses very quickly tells you that they have had similar problems and have moved on.

Maybe things start out well with him, but, for reasons you have explained well, he just isn't right for the long term. It doesn't mean he doesn't have many talents, but he just doesn't quite fit the bill for you.

Are you more relaxed at home when he is away for a few days? Or do you really miss him?

"Instead, he will focus on the fact that he has been left alone for that week and therefore needs more support etc from me. "

He sounds a little like a needy and spoilt child.

What do you think will happen if you have spent time with a sick child, or feeding a baby, changing nappies etc? Do you think rather than support you he will sulk and demand that you now spend time supporting him?

i think it needs to go like this

you sit down at the table across from each other and you say

" i think there needs to be a recognition that we have different standards and expectations. In an effort to work through these issues together i think we need to come to a comprimise over who does what in the house. This means that there are no grey areas, i wont expect you to do something via telepathy - when you think everything is fine."

then begin writing down the major chores and divide them

in this house - first one home cooks.

the person that cooks doesn't do all the washing up.

whilst i may do the odd washing load, if you have something you wish to wear specifically - then wash it!

dh = bins & sorting out school uniforms and the hanging up of the clean laundry.

--

then there is the seperate issue of expectations. Love and showing love, doing nice things, small things - that begets more love.

its just a nice thing to do for someone whom you love - to leave the porch light on - and make them a brew afer work.

its not roses chamagne, caviar - its not paris, rome or florence - but it matters. " i need you to recognise that its important to me that you make an effort in these small things. 'love' is an all encompassing and often used trite word. showing love means thoughtfulness and respect amongst other things.

I recognise that i am OCD about the housework. so the comprimise is that i won't flip my lid at your musli bowl or toilet seat being left up - and you try to be a bit more thoughtful and considerate. DEAL?"

So, I decided to speak to DP tonight. Unfortunately, it didn't go quite to Custardo's script.....

When I came back from work he had clearly cooked for himself and tidied up. I asked him to empty the dishwasher, which he did. I then asked if we could speak about what happened yesterday. Basically, he said that I was not supportive about the CPD issue and should have realised that it was a massive deal and that he had to do it straight away and not help me. I said to him that I did think it was essentially a self inflicted issue as I have to do CPD too and keep a note as I go. Therefore if I am audited (which I have been) I can easily the send the info I need. I said that the biggest issue for me was being called a bastard repeatedly. He said to me that I deserved that and my behaviour had caused him to do this.

He then essentially said it was indicitave of my horrible personality that I was not supportive of the CPD issue and that clearly I hated him. Part of the reason that he couldn't do the CPD was because he had to do so much for me and that many other men wouldn't - I had to ask him to excuse me while I laughed. I told him that that excuse would not wash with the BDA and that single mothers with three children are dentists and still keep a note of their CPD. I have to admit that I lost my rag then and said I thught it was pretty pathetic that he hadn't been able to keep a note as evryone else does and actually in some instances you don't require to tell your partner that everything they do is wonderful or they would never learn from their mistakes and to take ownership of them.

I also said that I presumed that he didn't cal people at work bastards etc and that he needed to find a new way of communicating with me. He said he would call them that and also his mother if she spoke to him the way I did. I think not......

He is still doing the farkin CPD and I have retired here now as quite frankly I cannot be bothered with him.

The worrying thing about all that is him shifting the blame onto you for his bad behaviour.
And the other worrying thing is him being the martyr and thinking that he does no end of stuff for you.
Sounds like a pretty entrenched mindset and actually I'm not sure that I could be bothered with a man who would call his mother a bastard...

get rid. He is a whinging unless fuck of a man. If you have a baby (who are allowed to be whinging and useless) any remaining respect you have for him will be eroded and you will hate his guts by the time the baby is a year old.

Then you will be on here going on about how he dumps the baby on his mother and never changes/feeds him or empties the dishwasher.

useless - not unless

I have to admit, I really am having serious doubts about him.

I'm going to take stock for the next couple of weeks and decide what to do.

I know for a FACT that there is no way that he would call his mum a bastard and I have actually said to him that, as a reality check, he should explain what happened last night and what we both said. I told him that if his mum thought it was perfectly acceptable for him to speak to me like that, then that was no problem, he could call me a bastard when ever he likes but he should have the courage of his convictions and do it in front of all of our friends and family and see if they agree that I deserve to be called it.

I know this is all TMI and probably seems really chldish but I know I have to decide what I will put up with or not going forward.

Bunny, you are plenty young enough to find someone else who is pleasant to you. I have a partner who is both useless at housework and hopeless at his own life admin and frankly this makes life quite tough with children. BUT he admits he's crap at these things and would never abuse me / blame me. It's hard to see hwo you could have a family with a man like that unless he changed radically.