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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be angry with those parents who have let down their overweight dc

365 replies

frumplump · 28/06/2009 01:21

Overweight parents who allow their own issues to destroy their own dc's good health, what are they thinking?

I overheard a heartbreaking conversation in a shop where an awkwardly fat teenage shop assistant was dispairing at how she was wasting the best years of her life because she had not learned to eat healthily from her parents.

She was saying she had low self esteem and wanted to lose weight desperately. Teenage girls have a difficult time at the best of times, it's just plain cruelty for her parents to have allowed her to become so unhealthily big. She found walking difficult ffs! They say parents will outlive their children. What's going on? How can parents be so cruel?

OP posts:
bronze · 28/06/2009 13:18

line caught of course

FAQinglovely · 28/06/2009 13:22

FRUMP - I'm still wondering who

"Don't say it's fun to be fat because it might be to you "

was aimed at?

Haven't read all of the rest of the thread but I see the low income=overweight parents/children is being spouted - yawns

junglist1 · 28/06/2009 13:23

Allo cockney sparra

Don't know about line caught, just run of the mill supermarket salmon (boneless) Am I allowed to say all this???!!!!

mrsruffallo · 28/06/2009 13:28

You can say what you want, it's anonymous

junglist1 · 28/06/2009 13:32

Oh might start another thread then! Not really I'm innocent (mmwaahaahaahaaaa!!!)

sarah293 · 28/06/2009 13:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

frumplump · 28/06/2009 13:46

Hello again! Just come back from a (healthy, fun) family trip to the swimming pool and couldn't believe the number of responses, thankyou and no why should I be a journalist?

I'm just a very sensitive and caring mum who felt that young shop assistant's angst deeply. In fact it was in Primark and I loitered at the bra section in order to hear all that she was saying. I felt like giving her a big hug. It certainly brought tears to my eyes.

And yes, I've heard and seen parents guffaw at their dc for wanting an apple or try a kiwi. My own dc are angry that they learn about healthy eating at school but then the teachers bugger off to the drive in Macd's in the lunch times!

Some of the posts are pretty judgemental of me and my concern .But when someone is suffering through no fault of their own I don't give a flying f to be honest if people just want to think it's sanctimonious or condescending to feel concern for someone suffering.

I don't know all the answers. But I travel a lot too and many Japanese women I meet cannot believe how British mums have a total disregard for their kids health.

The most inspirational post is Lisa, how brilliant are you to want to break the cycle!

In fact

OP posts:
FAQinglovely · 28/06/2009 13:51

ahh you're back - would you care to tell me who the "you" was referrring to.

Oh - and I have also guffawed at my children asking for food (yes even healthy stuff) - usually with good reason. But you see anyone witnessing me guffawing at them wouldn't know why and obviously assume I a lazy mother who doesn't feed them healthy stuff - if only they knew

StewieGriffinsMom · 28/06/2009 13:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

piscesmoon · 28/06/2009 13:58

'all they need to do is eat 3 healthy meals, snack on fruit twice a day and drink water and exercise every day '

I agree. There seems to be an obsession with snacks and the thought that DCs will faint away if they don't get them. People insist that grazing is healthier-I don't believe so because people eat far more than they realise that way. We eat together, meals cooked from scratch, with the occasional ready meal if I feel lazy. I was in trouble on another thread a while ago for 'being too controlling' of my teenagers by doing this! I got the impression that my fridge and freezer should be full of quick ready meals so that they can help themselves if and when they want it. I couldn't afford to do this, and it is no wonder so much food gets wasted if it is there 'in case'. I plan my meals, make the shopping list and use the left overs.

FAQinglovely · 28/06/2009 14:03

"There seems to be an obsession with snacks and the thought that DCs will faint away if they don't get them."

Do you want my DS2 for a week - ok he doesn't faint away but OMG he's SUCH a pita if I try and limit his snacks to twice a day

Nancy66 · 28/06/2009 14:06

frumplump may not be a journalist but I am and i've interviewed some very overweight people in my time.

I've spoken to a 25 stone woman who thought that the potato waffles she had for breakfast and the fries she had for lunch counted towards her five a day.

I've interviewed women who are trying to eat their way up to being morbidly obese so they can get a gastric band on the NHS.

these are the worst case scenarios - but I've also chatted to women who want to be healthy but just don't know how. One had no idea how to make a jacket potato. I asked her how much she thought a packet of dry pasta was and she said: "about six pounds" she just thought it was something posh people ate.

mrsmerryweather · 28/06/2009 14:20

You know what I hate? Mums who give their kids food to eat in the supermarket that THEY HAVE NOT YET PAID FOR. As if their child will die of starvation if they have to wait until they either a) get to the checkout or b) get home.

It's all part of the "I want it now" instant gratification behaviour.

And why is it that all the people you see eating in the street are fat? I really beleive that they can't cope with a bit of tummy rumbling and somehow believe they always have to feel "full". if they bring their kids up that way, no wonder that 40% of women in the UK are fat ( recent stats) and slightly fewer % men.

squilly · 28/06/2009 14:31

I eat in the street sometimes, when I'm hungry and I don't want to waste time sitting in a restaurant. Few people would describe me as fat, though I am a bit overweight. We don't all have the luxury of being around the house at meal times and I'll be buggered if I'm going to deprive myself of lunch just because someone might think I've got problems with instant gratification.

Fat is a real political issue these days and it divides the nation. When I was slim I thought that fat people were greedy and lazy and why did they not do something about it? When I became fat I didn't even realise it was happening. I gained weight by stealth over a number of years. When I lost the weight I realised it didn't actually make the difference in my life I was expecting it to. It didn't solve all my problems, didn't make all my health issues go away. I was just slimmer.

Overweight kids are alarming to look at. You do think, my god, poor kid, what'll happen to them at school or in life. But not one person has come up with solutions here. Just reasons why fat people are poor, self gratifying, lazy, greedy, stupid etc. When someone comes up with a solution, I'd love to see it, as I suspect, would lots of overweight families.

FAQinglovely · 28/06/2009 14:32

I eat in the street too - usually because I'm in a rush and DH says "Have you had lunch" ermm no I haven't - and then he makes me take something with me .

mrsmerryweather · 28/06/2009 14:37

Fat is a real political issue these days and it divides the nation. When I was slim I thought that fat people were greedy and lazy and why did they not do something about it? When I became fat I didn't even realise it was happening. I gained weight by stealth over a number of years. When I lost the weight I realised it didn't actually make the difference in my life I was expecting it to. It didn't solve all my problems, didn't make all my health issues go away. I was just slimmer.

Squilly- I expect people to take a slightly less- literal view of that post- many overweight people are seen eating in the street- just as many slim people are. Except it is obvious from the size of the overweight ones that they could quite easily miss several meals, or even starve for a week and still be alive!

How did you gain weight by stealth and not notice? Did you not have to buy bigger clothes?

Why did you think that losing weight would solve any problems you had? It wasn't the weight that was the issue, it was your expectations.

It might not have affected your health one way or the other, but you can almost guarantee that if anyone is obese ( and I know you have said you are not that overweight) then their health will suffer- even if it's not for another 20 years.

Cancer, diabetes and heart disease take decades to develop.

mrsmerryweather · 28/06/2009 14:41

squilly- there is no solution unless you advocate a nanny state- more than we have already. It is a personal responsibility.

Sure there could be draconian laws- such as a "fat tax" to help the NHS out with all the obese-related illnesses, but bar something like that, it's over to each and everyone of us to take control of our lives.

FAQinglovely · 28/06/2009 14:44

"It is a personal responsibility."

but if someone is overweight, uneducated, low self esteem, etc etc etc, how exactly are they suppposed to sort of the problem totally on their own? Chances are they may not even know how to access help, or if they do they may not be confident enough to access it for fear of embarrassment at their situation. In a lot (not all, but many) of situations it's a part of a grand scheme of lack of community based social/health care which people are able to access easily - or where they can have someone to help them access it..

Goblinchild · 28/06/2009 14:48

I think it's a hopeful sign that we are still bothered about it, wherever we are on the scale.
Unlike smoking and alcoholism, other people being fat doesn't have an impact on our quality of life. If me and mine eat sensibly, and exercise, and have a reasonably healthy lifestyle then why should I worry that other people choose differently for themselves and their families?

shithappens · 28/06/2009 14:51

"We eat together, meals cooked from scratch, with the occasional ready meal if I feel lazy. I plan my meals, make the shopping list and use the left overs."

So do I. But I don't eat in the street because it's bad manners.

piscesmoon · 28/06/2009 14:55

'You know what I hate? Mums who give their kids food to eat in the supermarket that THEY HAVE NOT YET PAID FOR. As if their child will die of starvation if they have to wait until they either a) get to the checkout or b) get home.'

Me too! I don't know how you can eat something before it is paid for and hand over the empty packet for the bar code afterwards! I just told mine that we hadn't bought it yet-they accept it quite easily.

'
But not one person has come up with solutions here.'

They have-but it is personal responsibility-you can't impose it from outside. People need to take in only the calories that they are going to use.
If they have no understanding of good nutrition they can get a diet sheet from the GP.

squilly · 28/06/2009 14:56

Mrsmerryweather, I went from a 12 to a 14 very gradually. I went to a 16 after childbirth. The usual slow creep rather than a rapid move up from 12 to 16.

When I'm in my healthy BMI I'm usually a size 14. And have you seen clothes sizes these days? They mean very little. When I was a very healthy size 12 (I'm 5ft11) my best friend was also a size 12 (a very unhealthy 5ft 4) so the clothes don't mean much. Whatever the reasons for my weight gain or loss I really don't care to share them, and thank you but I'm really quite happy with my life/size etc.

And your post did literally say why are ALL of the people who eat in the street fat, which is why I objected.

Everyone dies eventually. cancer, diabetes and heart disease don't just take the fat. They take the smokers, the drinkers, the junkies, the casual drug takers and sometimes, get this, the incredibly fit! Fat is not the only passport to poor health. Drunks are often skinny as they only drink booze and don't eat meals. Smokers can often be skinny, because the nicotine suppresses the appetite. I do object to the view that fatness is the only precursor of poor health. Slim people aren't naturally healthy. This myth needs to die on the vine just as much as fat people are the only drain on the national health system.

I do believe in personal choice with food and if some people chose to overeat, that's up to them. In the same way people choose to smoke, drink, use drugs, etc.

The problem is, of course, when these choices affect the under 16's. What's the answer then? That's where I think the grey issue lies in terms of responsibility. The parents may not be capable of taking responsibility, so does the state step in? Schools already thrust healthy eating at our kids from a young age and this very act is often pilloried on here by parents who feel morally superior in this respect. But where do we educate these kids? How do we resolve this? That's where the personal responsibility angle falls down slightly in my view.

squilly · 28/06/2009 14:59

If good eating and nutrition was as easy as getting a diet sheet from a GP piscesmoon, everyone would do it. Poor eating and emotional eating, both of which are huge factors in obesity, are not that easy to overcome. Ask anyone who's had a weight issue.

flimflammum · 28/06/2009 15:00

OP: I don't feel angry when I see overweight young children, but I do feel appalled and a bit sad. I do think it is cruelty to the child, but unintentional cruelty. IME weight and fitness is all about habit, habit, habit. I know I have some bad eating habits and other good ones, but they're pretty ingrained (and I can tell which ones I've had passed down from my parents). To use a silly little example, I always leave a little bit of tea in the bottom of my mug, which is completely irrational - but I've realised it goes back to my childhood, when we always had loose-leaf tea, so the bottom of the cup had leaves in it! Why do I still do it? Habit. And eating habits, particularly, are hard to change, as they're so bound up with emotional issues: giving food equates to giving love (and I suppose on a primal level, giving food equals ensuring your offspring's survival).

As for the class element in all this, I read somewhere that part of the problem is that working class people, especially men, used to have physically demanding jobs, so they could get away with fried breakfasts, etc. Now those jobs have largely gone, but the eating habits remain.

But maybe the problem is that high-fat, high calorie food is just too readily available. We don't have to go out searching in the forest for a little bit of honey, just pop into the newsagents for a chocolate bar. And we're bombarded with advertising for junk food, often aimed at children. How do you make your child happy? Buy them a Macdonalds happy meal of course.

FAQinglovely · 28/06/2009 15:01

"If they have no understanding of good nutrition they can get a diet sheet from the GP. "

You see - there are people who

a) wouldn't know they could get a diet sheet from the GP - Doctors are for when you're ill aren't they??

b) Wouldn't be able to (for a variety of reasons) take themselves off to the GP to ask for the said sheet.