to challenge anyone to better this example of the heights of pushy parenting?

[BonsoirAnna]

Yesterday I was chatting to another mother from DD's French-English bilingual school on the bus. She has two daughters, one in DD's year, who will soon be 5, and another one three years above, who is 7.

This mother told me that during the summer holidays her 7 year old, who has been having private Chinese lessons for the past year (in addition to having an American nanny to teach her English), is being sent to stay, alone, for a fortnight with a Chinese family in China in order to practise the language.

Yup, it's quite a consensus on here isn't it?

I shall have to look for my own example to better this case. Given where I live, one will show up sooner or later

I would consider it (maybe) if they were family friends that DD knew that she was going to stay with - people who she had at least met before etc. And maybe more so with europe - it seems nearer and the culture is more similar - things would seem familiar.

To do the travelling all the way to china and then stay with total strangers for a week at that age does seem young to me. Can she read the language for following signs and arranging where to meet the family etc or knowing where the toilets are and little things like that?

I know we did our French exchange in pairs when we were 12. 7 is really little isn't it?

I think also the flight is very long. If they go from eg UK to France, they're barely up in the air before it's time to come down again. Certianly no time for the novelty to wear off, nor much time to worry about who's going to meet you at the other end, and what it will all be like.

But a flight to china is a long time for a 7yo to be by themselves on a plane, I think. I've done the expat kid flying back long haul thing, but there was always a little group of us which made it much better. And we were older.

I spend a lot of time in China, I wouldn't allow my child to spend time with a family for a day.... 7 is far too young to experience and benefit from a spell away from their parents in a very foreign culture. Most chinese dcs don't even have a bedtime!!!

ah, I think that website runs it close though, Anna

what a shame I didn't have that course on teaching your baby to be physically superb!

@ OP, YABU and, dare I say it, sound a tiny bit jealous, petty and resentful

Firstly, you have no idea if the parents "bully" their children - what is bullying to you is probably simply firm parenting to them.

Secondly, to imply that the children "bully" their nanny - frankly, the nanny sounds as though she is in the wrong profession or simply not as firm with the children as she should be (or as the parents have directed her to be). After all, if your child was to throw a tantrum around you, you wouldn't necessarily say that he/she was "bullying" you, would you?

Thirdly, unless you live with this family 24/7, your point about them never smiling is most likely inaccurate and ill-informed. I'm guessing you only see this family in a formal social context i.e. at the school, not in their front living room on a daily basis.

Fourthly, if their DD is going to stay with a lawyer colleague of the father, I'm guessing the household she will be going to will be fairly affluent, comfortable and (given that she will be a guest) relaxed for her. She probably won't have to lift a finger in the form of household chores and will most likely be personally chauffeured around to be shown the sights.

I'm guessing it will prove a great adventure and holiday for her and invaluable when it comes to life experience, and hardly counts as abuse. All because you obviously don't hold your own child to the same impossibly high standard or give her as much freedom does not mean that the other lady is abusing her daughter.

PS - "Pushy" is usually used to describe people where one feels inadequate and unable to emulate the high standards shown by and expected of others. This usually results in the latter forcefully convincing themselves that they would never wish to emulate those standards anyway and condemning those who choose otherwise, as opposed to admitting to their own shortcomings and feelings of inadequacy.

The long and short of it is - YABU.

Interesting defintion of pushy

asana - The child in question is 7 years old

Aha notnowbernard you are clearly jealous.

My DD ascended the north face of the eiger alone at only 3mo.

Clearly you have despicably low expectations for your children and are therefore trying to do others down.

Was lol-ing at "she probably won't have to lift a finger in the form of household chores"

Yes, it's mud pies in the back garden for my lot this Summer, I'm afraid

Poor little sods

Ah, now we have Asana offering herself up as an even pushier parent . Very courageous of you!

Is Asana the mum of china girl?

I think that is probably a definition by a "pushy" parent of themselves. Sound incredibly defensive. For everyone else a pushy parent is one that seems to be driving their childs life and has expectations of them that are very different from the norm.

I think there is nothing particularly wrong with having your child learn a different language, although I would hope that it was because the child enjoyed it or was very academically able (I have seen this sort of thing suggested for very bright children that needed stretching as an alternative to accelerating schooling). Sending a seven year old all the way to China for a fortnight on their own to a family they have never met does seem a little extreme. Most exchanges happen once the child has hit secondary school age, which seems a more sensible age to me.

I dunno Asana. Simply reckon the 7 year olds I know would be sad and scared, no matter how nice the family at the other end.
Also not convinced by your Latinate and legalistic definition of pushy which basically says "Pushy" is fine. I think most of the ladies on here are going for the shorthand that "Pushy" is hard on a little kid.

Yes, my dd is eight and would not enjoy being away from home for that long, although I have been thinking about sending her back to the UK (with her bigger brother) to stay with my parents for a couple of weeks, which is an 11 hour flight. Obviously she does know my parents very well, and would have her brother with her, but I still think it's a big ask for a fairly young child. So we'll wait til next year I think.

Maybe the girl wants to go though?

My dh went to boarding school from age 7 because his parents were abroad. He loved it - he used to try to cry when they dropped him off so they would think he was going miss them! He also took planes and trains alone at that age - some kids are really independent.

I see these tendencies in my 8 year old dd already. She has started reading all the enid blyton boarding school stories so I thought I'd better reassure her we had no plans to send her away, but she looked kind of disappointed.

Well, I wouldn't do that with my children at that age.

My idea of a pushy parent is one who drives their children to do things to achieve what they failed in their own lives. Who forces them to keep at it even when they don't like it/hate it. Who drives young children down particular routes very forcibly when they are too young to hold an opinion eg 4 hours of intense maths a day at 3.

In a very few of these cases the child will go on to excel. Tennis players, maths geniuses etc often seem to have a parent in the background teaching/training in a very full on way since age 2.

It is a very narrow path to take, denies the child its own choice and is most likely to end in the child not fulfilling its parents fantasies and so disappointment all round. Not all pushed children can go on to be the best there is.

Many such children often rebel horribly as well, stories of them cutting off all contact with parents as soon as they are legally able are common. Or going heavily off the rails.

But if that's what floats your boat as a parent, who cares eh.

I have to say I'm with Asana on this at least wrt the bit.

A friend of mine takes her half Singaporean DD to weekly Chinese lessons and I have to admit to being at the opportunity that she is giving her. I would love to do the same for my DC but as we have no connection whatsoever to things Chinese it is something which remains off the list of opportunites that they are given.

Don't think anyone is at the lessons thedolly.

Its the going off to china by herself age 7 to stay with people she doesn't know which is, lets face it, pretty extreme.

Since my own DD is already bilingual due to her family circumstances and will have plenty of opportunity to learn other languages in due course (DP and I both speak Spanish and Italian) I don't have anything to be jealous of.

That is horrifying!

No matter what one might think in general - seven is too young. By at least seven years.

Another website for super pushy parents.

www.allef.org.uk/

Can you imagine sending your child away for six months!

Not least as you would have to take them out of school...

That website does have me

Maybe I am biased as well as my dad went to boarding school at 7 and always felt that he was "sent away" and that his parents didn't want him

There is plenty of time for all this stuff later, surely.

No I can't!

What I can imagine, because I see plenty of families doing this, is the whole family moving to Paris for a year or two so that they can all learn French and live in a different culture together, as a family. I think that that is fabulous