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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect men to stand and give up theie seat for a pregnant woman??

90 replies

mosschops30 · 25/06/2009 16:55

dh thinks AIBU and says it wouldnt cross his mind think he's winding me up though, cos he would prob offer his seat to a non-pg woman!

Went to ante-natal clinic today, long row of chairs along the wall, single mums and couples, we walked right to the end but no chairs so stood.
Not one man sat nearby offered (and the two closest were with their pg partners). In the end someone was called and I said to dh 'shall we sit down there seeing as none of these gentlemen have offered their seat'?

So AIBU and just an old fashioned idiot? I would give up my seat anywhere for a pg woman, or woman with toddler or elderly or disabled people.
Is it just me?

OP posts:

GodzillasBumcheek · 26/06/2009 08:31

LTOS - No, i've already said he stood up for someone!

...and i said by car, not tube, tram, bus or whatever.

I think the lack of manners today is appalling - and it's not just men either, it spans all ages, races and genders.

That's why i married DH (ok, partly) - he's polite to the point where he's hurt himself to help someone else

PM73 · 26/06/2009 08:41

YANBU, my dh always offers his seat to a lady or elderly person.We are going to bring our ds up exactly the same also.

I was very annoyed a while back,i was out shopping with my ds & dn,dn was 8 at the time & as we were walking out of M&S she turned around & held the door open for 2 middle aged old bags women & not one of them thanked her. I got on my high horse & said to them 'would it hurt you to say thankyou to the little girl'They at least had the grace to look embarrassed.

I have found the men round here are very polite & always open the door for you,especially now i have ds too.

Pyrocanthus · 26/06/2009 09:59

If there's one place a pregnant woman might expect a little consideration you'd think it would be a maternity clinic... YANBU, though I think a lot of men feel wary of offering seats to women these days (or claim to) in case they cause offence. Obviously, you should offer a seat to anyone who looks as if they need it more, regardless of your gender persuasion, and the person who gets to a door first should hold it open for the person coming the other way and so on, but some people are baffled by the politics of it all, and others are just plain rude.

On the positive side, I took my dd to London on what turned out to be the public transport day from hell. The worst incident was seeing a baby in his mum's arms who had got his hand stuck in the sliding door of a tube carriage as it opened - by the time we arrived on the platform people were running to alert the driver & call the station staff and a couple of guys were trying to slip their hands in beside the baby's to ease the door. The driver released the door and, thankfully, the baby was fine though very shocked (as was the mum). A member of staff led them away for a check-up at the nearby hospital. An emergency situation, not a manners thing, but good to see people doing what they could.

Hours later, we waited on another tube platform for half an hour then were faced with an absolutely packed train. Three men leapt up and insisted on making room for us in spite of my protestations on my own behalf (would have come over all feminist at one time, but I think sometimes it's more important to be acknowledge kindness) , then we all stood/sat around giggling at the driver's world-weary excuses. Sorry to ramble, but sometimes people can be very nice.

Stigaloid · 26/06/2009 10:03

I have to say my DH would have offered you a seat an dif he didn't automatically i would have said, 'darling that pregnant woman is standing - shift it'. Am surprised the other pregnant women didn't tell their partners to move either.

Stayingsunnygirl · 26/06/2009 10:07

Honneybunny - I'd have told the bitch bridezilla with the wedding dress that I was going to sit on the seat, and if she didn't move the dress, I'd be sitting on it - and that would make far more wrinkles than her holding it!!

OP, I hope your dh is being a wind-up merchant because I absolutely agree with you that the men at the antenatal clinic should have been sensitive to the needs of the pg women there, and someone should have offered you a seat. I am totally that no-one did!!

Pyrocanthus · 26/06/2009 10:08

Have just noticed the phrase 'these days'in my post and realize that I am now, officially, old. Off to buy the Telegraph.

orangehead · 26/06/2009 10:20

Yanbu, I am surprised the midwife or whoever was taking the class did not ask them to move for the pregnant ladies.
I once had an asthma attack on a very crowded train, people just moved away from me as if I had Leprosy and no one offered me a seat for the rest of the journey

jellybeans · 26/06/2009 10:21

YANBU What horrible selfish men sat on their arses while pg women stand up!

Pyrocanthus · 26/06/2009 10:50

orangehead: Sorry to hear about your experience on the train; clearly people aren't always good in an emergency.

I found a man vomiting in the gutter down the road the other morning and plucked up the courage to ask if he was OK: he replied 'S'OK, dodgy Chinese', so I felt an ambulance probably wasn't required, but I'd have felt terrible if I'd walked by and he'd ended up dead in the street.

gagamama · 26/06/2009 10:54

YANBU at all. When I was about 20 weeks pregnant with DC3 last year, I gave up my seat on the tube for a woman who was considerably more pregnant than me. The 'suits' sitting in the other seats were conveniently too busy being Incredibly Important to notice either of us.

No excuse in an ante-natal clinic though! I guess it's the same sort of thing as the father thinking the wet sponge/gas and air/post-birth tea and toast are for him, because it's just all so difficult for them.

mayorquimby · 26/06/2009 11:07

yabu for targetting your thread only at men. why shouldn't able bodied women give up their seat.
fwiw i give up seats for any woman. but to expect only able-bodied men to give up their seat is unreasonable on your part.

lovelymumma · 26/06/2009 11:17

I worry for the partners of the men who didn't give up their seats.I would worry about how many of them would get up off the sofa to make a bottle or change a babies nappy.The most attractive thing in a male is how polite and friendly they are.Long live chivalry. I would have sat cross legged on the floor in front of them,to see if it made them uncomfortable.

Pyrocanthus · 26/06/2009 11:19

mayorquimby: Had the op been on a bus I'd agree with you, but at an antenatal clinic I think it would be safe to assume that on average the men were more fit to stand than the women, and were there purely in a supporting role. Whoever mentioned that putting out more chairs would have been a good idea had a point though: simple rule of thumb - no. of women booked in x 2.

mayorquimby · 26/06/2009 11:25

no but that's why i mentioned the thread title when in reality we should expect any able-bodied person to give up their chair for a preganant woman or someone less able to stand. in this situation in just so happened the majority of the people who were in the room who should have stood up where men, but there could have easily been a woman present as well who was there as support for a pregnant friend.
my point was that this attitude is always aimed at men. which for me is fine because that's the way i was brought up (i.e. that it should always be men who stand up). but for other men it wasn't and there's nothing wrong with those men,as you agreed in a situation such as public transport, thinking "hang on a second, there's perfectly healthy women here too why should i be the one to stand up"
that's why my only point was about the thread title, of course this woman should have been offered a seat, and in this particular situation odds on it should have been a man to offer. but the thread title was universal and could have been worded better.

Pyrocanthus · 26/06/2009 11:31

Fair enough. I think as a society we're struggling to move on from a set of rigid rules based on stereotypes (women are weaker, etc.) to a more general sense of consideration towards others based on judgment of individual situations.

LovelyTinOfSpam · 26/06/2009 11:44

MQ admit it you didn't read the OP properly

Godzilla I was just trying to say that the assumption that 90% of people would have driven is pretty random and that round here most people wouldn't. I walk to the hospital - it's only 20 mins but I do have a humumgous bump

kathyis6incheshigh · 26/06/2009 11:47

There could have been a woman there with her pregnant friend, but it's relatively unusual - most women come with partners (who are usually though not always men!) and those who don't usually come with mums who are probably able-bodied but are more likely to be elderly.

LovelyTinOfSpam · 26/06/2009 11:48

Don't let my mum hear you say that kathy!

heliotrope · 26/06/2009 11:55

No.

kathyis6incheshigh · 26/06/2009 11:55

LOL Lovelytin!

mayorquimby · 26/06/2009 12:03

i did read the op properly. i'm a very proficient reader. i'd say i read something of some description on average twice a day.

Vintagepommery · 26/06/2009 12:06

YANBU

Was once asked to give up my seat in a softplay place by a couple of women (I'd apparently taken their place when they went to take their kids to the toilet).

I was 39 WEEKS PREGNANT at the time.

RedOnHerHead · 26/06/2009 12:15

My DH always stands for people to sit - pregnant women, elderly etc....
He is a gentleman (partly due to his grandparents having a big part of his upbringing) He also ALWAYS makes sure I walk on the inside (we joke because I say he just wants me to walk in the gutter!)
If my DH didn't hive up his seat, then I would presume he didn't see that someone needed it and I would shove him off.

I don't think YABU.
More people need to be more thoughtful.

Pyrocanthus · 26/06/2009 12:37

I'm afraid I can't be doing with the walking on the outside of the lady thing. It's only ever happened to me once though, and the gentleman in question (a friend's boyfriend) and I enjoyed a good-humoured and well-mannered debate, once he'd explained what on earth he was doing. It was to stop my gown from getting splashed, apparently, not that I was wearing one.

I also don't like it when I hold open a door for a man and he then reaches over me to hold the door so that I can duck down under his armpit and creep through, thanking him for his courtesy. I am 5' 9" and don't like armpits and would rather he walked through the door and thanked me. I'm not churlish, it's a common sense thing.

spicemonster · 26/06/2009 12:49

YANBU. Even worse was the the number of men (and children) who were sitting at at the miscarriage clinic appalling while women who may have been in the throes of a miscarriage (as I was) had to stand. I actually think there should be a sign. I wasn't in a fit state to ask people but I don't think I should have had to

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