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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about Christmas day? (Yes the discussion has already started)........

73 replies

SouthMum · 25/06/2009 14:18

Right ladies I think this is my first AIBU so be nice please

Bit of background - Christmas day at my Mum and Dads from being young was always a great family day - my grandparents (mums side), uncles, brother etc would all be there. However when my Grandma died when I was about 18 I didn't spend Christmas day at my parents from then on - the pain of her not being there was too hard for me (family all split up due to various reasons afterwards - too much to go into now and nothing to do with this AIBU). I usually went to a boyfriends and my parents understood why.

For the last 8 years I have beeen going to DPs parents for Christmas day so this year DP is assuming we will go there again. However we now have a DS and for the first time in almost 10 years I want to spend the day at my mum and dads. I love having the memories of my Grandma being there and would love to have a special memory of my DS' first Christmas being there aswell.

My parents do see DS alot more than DPs parents (I do always say they can see him whenever they want though, but they are always going out somewhere) so part of me thinks its only one day, but there again we have gone there for the last 8 years. His mum has had a grandchilds first Christmas there but my mum hasn't (my Mum doesn't mind if we go to his parents btw so this isn't my mum being all cats bum face about it). I also feel going to my parents will help myself and my mum with the empty feeling we usually have on this day. New start and all that IYSWIM??

I said we would have Christmas at his parents next year but he is pulling his face because he wants to go to his parents again.

AIBU to insist we go to my parents this year?

OP posts:
MamaLazarou · 25/06/2009 14:21

Not if, as proposed, you take it in turns, no, you are certainly NOT being unreasonable.

Could you compromise and do it the other way round? This Xmas at DP's folks, next Xmas at yours?

whomovedmychocolate · 25/06/2009 14:22

Ah christmas is more than one day, do both. Personally I believe every family with a new baby has the right to christmas day undisturbed if they want because it is special, but what we do is have christmas day to ourselves and either see one set before and one set after or if that doesn't work have a few days with them around new year.

Just state what you are prepared to accept and stick with it. If you do it early enough people fall in line fairly easily!

mumblechum · 25/06/2009 14:22

YABU to even think about xmas before 1st December

Pyrocanthus · 25/06/2009 14:23

Oh no, please, not Christmas, nooooo .

whomovedmychocolate · 25/06/2009 14:23

Nonsense. You need to plan these things if you are to get your own way avoid arguments.

Original poster
SouthMum · 25/06/2009 14:24

I did think about that, but think the main thing for me its this year is a special Christmas with it being DS' first one so the memories will be even more special and poignant (if that doesn't sound too whiny).

OP posts:
Flyonthewindscreen · 25/06/2009 14:25

YANBU to want to spend a xmas with your family as you have had xmas with your DP's family for the past 8 years. Not knowing the distances involved, would it be possible to spend part of the day/xmas eve/boxing day with your ILs? so they can spend some time with your DS on his first xmas also? Or is you, DP and DS having xmas at home with whichever parents wish to join you an option?

Impressed you are already discussing xmas tho... I have a similar "always spend xmas with DH's family, don't want to this year" dilemma but am waiting until autumnish before airing it on AIBU

oodlesofpoodles · 25/06/2009 14:25

Not very helpful but my advice to anyone would be to avoid getting into a routine where you have to go to someone else's house every year.

YANBU to want to go to your parents, esp as you have gone to your dps parents for the past 8 years.

Is there any reason why you can't stay at home and have all the parents at your house?

Indith · 25/06/2009 14:30

Of course YANBU, turn taking is part of the "joys" of Christmas when families expand.

MIL has already said that she wants to come up to us for Christmas. My response has been mumblechums so far but I may have to suck it up and let her. We had nobody last year (dd born 23rd, hospitalised with infection after 2 days spent passing huge clots and leaving atrail of blood behind me on the 26th so rather glad we made that decision!) FIL the year before and my parents the one before so technically it is her turn but I don't want to she winds me up something cronic and it will end up being really boring with her having a smug "look I bought the most presents and they are the best ones and look he likes mine the best but you know I don't go crazy like some people do buying stuff" while we wonder where on earth we are going to put the 10 differnt presents she has bought each child and if we can get exchanges on the hideous clothes she has got the poor things.

And breath. Sorry SouthMum I believe you were trying to have your own thread there before I ranted. Do carry on.

Original poster
SouthMum · 25/06/2009 14:32

Distance isn't an issue - literally about 5 mins drive away so we could spend Xmas morning at IL's and rest of the day with mine. I did suggest spending all Boxing Day at IL's aswell as Xmas morninh but they ALWAYS have plans on Boxing Day

All parents coming here isn't an option - our house is quite small with no room for a dining table so it would be eating off a magazine on our laps - not great for Xmas day (can see MIL's cats bum face now)

Think I'mn just more that DP is moaning - I've gone to theirs for the last frigging 8 years and just want this one year to be at my Mum and Dads so I can remember a Christmas day there without nearly falling apart.

OP posts:
whomovedmychocolate · 25/06/2009 14:33

Indith and repeat after me 'she's much older than me, she'll die sooner'

bethdivine · 25/06/2009 14:33

hmm, 8 years is a long time to wait to come to terms with losing your Grandma, she must have been a special lady. Perhaps it's time to start creating your own special Christmas memories though and move on to what you want Christmas to be for your own family now that DS is here. If you've not been able to face Christmas at your parents' place for the last 8 years, I'm not sure how you think having DS will make it any easier. Could you not have Christmas at your own place or is it that you think you are now ready to move on and taking DS back to your folks for Christmas will be a happy occasion now with happy memories of Grandma? - if it's that then try your best to explain to DP how important it is to you as you wished DS had met Grandma and this is your way of dealing with it.

agree that now is the best time to sort it so it's all agreed and no hassle nearer the time, but what you don't want is 6 months of arguing about it as nobody agrees, esp as it's DS's first Christmas. Personally I think focus on DS and how you can best enjoy him, then take it from there, you can still have your own special toast to your Grandma, wherever you are and tell DS all about her as he becomes old enough to hear stories, you could make a special Christmas story of her for him perhaps.

Original poster
SouthMum · 25/06/2009 14:35

LOL Indith - by all means carry on - its nice to know that others have Christmas issues aswell. at the infection tho....

OP posts:
Morloth · 25/06/2009 14:38

Get DP's parents to invite YOUR parents to Christmas at their place? That is what we do if we are home for Christmas. My Mum comes to my inlaws on Christmas Day (as our family is quite spread out) and then we have another Christmas on Boxing Day with all of my brothers/sisters.

Sassybeast · 25/06/2009 14:39

Repeat after me 'It's not worth falling out about. It's not worth falling out about'

If I was you, I'd stay home and ask them all over in the morning to see DS opening his pressies and then gaain for a sort of buffet tea in the eveing. Or go to your mums for lunch and then invite the ILs over to yours for a buffet type tea - solves the table problem.

In a couple of years time, DS won't want to be anywhere other than home on Christmas Day with all his pressies so I wouldn't set any precedents about taking turns each year.

Our Christas consists of me, DH and the kids at home in our house. Years of being dragged (as a teenager) and manipulated (as a DIL) have taken their toll and enough is enough.

MamaLazarou · 25/06/2009 14:40

The memories won't be all that special and poignant for your son. He won't remember a single thing about it.

charleymouse · 25/06/2009 14:40

Southmum, why not have christmas at yours and have both lots of grandparents round.

It does seem a little ungrateful that you have had ILs hospitality and now want to change the goalposts when for them it is now a precedent that you go there.

I would suggest making your own rules and saying Christmas is with you from now on.

I hated as a child to have to pick out which toys/games I wanted to take in the car with me and then spend half the day travelling around to see rellys, when they could have all come to see me with no hardship. (Can you tell I was a spoilt brat). I dont think it is such an issue as your little on is so small but it will be later.

The fact your DS is here will help you and your mum get over the empty feeling for you this year. But you may also find it hard to be there at Christmas again as you will think of the happy times with all the family. Not saying this is a bad thing just it may be difficult.

I would say you are being a little unreasonable but he is your baby and new ruls apply when you have DC. Just choose something you and your DH will be happy with.

LovelyTinOfSpam · 25/06/2009 14:43

Sounds like our set-up in that everyone is very close.

We do both - one for morning and lunch and the other afternoon/early evening. Theoretically we swap each year but actually we've been to my parents for lunch every year...

It is doable to do both but very tiring with a little one - but then it's all been done IYSWIM.

DGH often works boxing day as well so i suppose that makes a difference.

Your DP is being unreasonable though wanting to go to his if you've gone to his all these years.

annh · 25/06/2009 14:44

It's 26 degrees here today! Why are we talking about Christmas?!

Original poster
SouthMum · 25/06/2009 14:46

Beth - I think its that I feel ready to move on. When people used to mention Christmas I immediately felt non-plussed about the whole event (she was my best friend after my mum - I cant describe how close to her I was). But now DS is here I feel like its a new start. Also I'll be honest part of it is because I am very close to my mum and, perhaps selfishly, want her to enjoy a grandkids first Christmas as ILs have had a grandkids first Christmas there already.

I definitely haven't come to terms with losing my Grandma, even though its been nearly 10 years, but thats a whole other lifetime thread

OP posts:
kmowell · 25/06/2009 14:47

Christmas can end up sucking......we always end up making sure everyone else is happy and sod what we actually want to do...caribbean, timbucktu...anywhere...!Have the day at your patents...about time too...

GypsyMoth · 25/06/2009 14:47

LOL at 'cats bum face' never heard that expression before.

Indith · 25/06/2009 14:48

lol wmmc

Original poster
SouthMum · 25/06/2009 14:48

Mama - I meant the memories for me (I know I know I am really sounding whiney now.....)

OP posts:
mayorquimby · 25/06/2009 14:52

either take it in turns or do both on the same day,so yanbu on that front.
yabu to assume that it should be your go this year though so maybe flip a coin or something to see who gets this year and then just alternate from there.you haven't gone to his parents every year because he decided to,you both agreed because you didn't want to go to your parents. now it's an entirely new situation where by you both want to do something different so you can't use the fact that you've agreed to do it his way all along as an argument why you should get preference.