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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

about Christmas day? (Yes the discussion has already started)........

73 replies

SouthMum · 25/06/2009 14:18

Right ladies I think this is my first AIBU so be nice please

Bit of background - Christmas day at my Mum and Dads from being young was always a great family day - my grandparents (mums side), uncles, brother etc would all be there. However when my Grandma died when I was about 18 I didn't spend Christmas day at my parents from then on - the pain of her not being there was too hard for me (family all split up due to various reasons afterwards - too much to go into now and nothing to do with this AIBU). I usually went to a boyfriends and my parents understood why.

For the last 8 years I have beeen going to DPs parents for Christmas day so this year DP is assuming we will go there again. However we now have a DS and for the first time in almost 10 years I want to spend the day at my mum and dads. I love having the memories of my Grandma being there and would love to have a special memory of my DS' first Christmas being there aswell.

My parents do see DS alot more than DPs parents (I do always say they can see him whenever they want though, but they are always going out somewhere) so part of me thinks its only one day, but there again we have gone there for the last 8 years. His mum has had a grandchilds first Christmas there but my mum hasn't (my Mum doesn't mind if we go to his parents btw so this isn't my mum being all cats bum face about it). I also feel going to my parents will help myself and my mum with the empty feeling we usually have on this day. New start and all that IYSWIM??

I said we would have Christmas at his parents next year but he is pulling his face because he wants to go to his parents again.

AIBU to insist we go to my parents this year?

OP posts:

Original poster

SouthMum · 25/06/2009 14:55

Charleymouse - I see what you mean about changing the goalposts as that is exactly what I am doing but its not with any ill feeling. On the flip side its only now DS is here that I want to go to my parents so I guess that could make them feel a bit unappreciated. Luckily they understand my reasons for not wanting to spend the day with them previously.

Sassy I like your suggestion about the buffet and also LTOS suggestion - I can easily eat two dinners so could suggest that MIL does the dinner early and my mum a bit later on and we can have dinner with them both. DP will still probably moan about this though!

So sorry to bring up the subject of Christmas in July aswell everyone but it wasn't me who brought it up = blame my DP!

OP posts:

Original poster

SouthMum · 25/06/2009 14:58

June even (sorry brain frazzled - DS is teething - say no more)

OP posts:

charleymouse · 25/06/2009 15:08

Sorry slow typing resulted in me missing about the table. Also no guarantee you won't fall apart this Christmas. Obviously hopefully you won't but.....

From your DHs pov you have happily gone to his parents for years and now they have the chance to spend it with his son you want to pull the rug out from under them. Doesn't seem fair tbh.

charleymouse · 25/06/2009 15:24

Sorry Southmum went to make a cup of tea and missed your reply.
It does make you feel differently about things tbh when the DC arrive so I can understand you wanting to be with your parents now.
The only thing is if you ever heard the ILs saying we are not bothered about your DS as we have already had a first grandchild you would be pretty upset they were not considering yours fairly, although you are saying that for them IYSWIM.

Sheeta · 25/06/2009 15:26

argh! Christmas!

makes cats bum face at OP

Bramshott · 25/06/2009 15:37

FWIW kid's second Christmasses are always miles better than their first ones - when they are too small to remember / get excited and they just get overtired and whiney !

Stigaloid · 25/06/2009 15:47

YANBU.

FlorenceAndtheWashingMachine · 25/06/2009 15:52

I agree. I would go to your ILs this year before your Dh realises that the Christmas after is the REALLY cute one!

FlorenceAndtheWashingMachine · 25/06/2009 15:56

However, to be serious for a moment, I do think that your DH has had it lucky in the sense that most people alternate or host Christmas themselves, so YANBU.

I had to spend Christmas with my ILs this year for the same reason - we have only spent three Christmas Days with them out of a possible 17 and I just couldn't fight the statistics, so your DH should suck it up.

bubblagirl · 25/06/2009 15:57

we do xmas day at one and boxing day the other and alternate every yr

EyeballsandherSunburntNorks · 25/06/2009 16:00

FWIW I have always wheedled Christmas at my parents' but last year being DD's 1st Christmas we decided to be fair and split the day. Didn't work. We were knackered, had to get up from my mothers and make the journey over to PIL. Even MIL said that it didn't work and she felt mean dragging me away from my mother.

Agree with everyone who says 1st Christmas is pants though. DD was too young at 11.5 months to care but I did get away with dressing her up in a Santa outfit This year will be much more fun.

Fairynufff · 25/06/2009 17:11

You need to STAY AT HOME and let people come to you or you are going to have this bloody his turn-my turn debate every year from now on. Create a precedent now, don't live on Christmases past at your mum's and dad's. Create your own new family tradition.

I never understand why people do this madness. I know couples who spend most of their Christmas driving up and down motorways with kids strapped in car seats. Christmas is for young children so let your DC stay in his house and fill it with adoring relatives and the presents will be secondary.

piscesmoon · 25/06/2009 17:20

I would ban any talk of Christmas arrangements before October!
I agree with every word in Fairynufff's post.It is a good time to start to have it in your own home. Don't even start the madness of going to other people-DCs like to be at home best not driving up motorways trying to be fair. Let people come to you.

piscesmoon · 25/06/2009 17:23

As a DC we always had Christmas in our own home-every year and it was lovely. Sometimes we had people to stay and sometimes we didn't. Ever since we have had DCs we have done the same. Much more relaxing and enjoyable.Sometimes people have stayed and sometimes they haven't.

cikecaka · 25/06/2009 17:32

Totally agree with fairynuff, stay at home, if people want to come to you, let them come. As they get older children do not want to go anywhere, they want to be at home. Your grandma came to your parents house, why cant your parents come to your house

Trikken · 25/06/2009 17:47

we have this argument every year. mil and mum always wants us christmas day, nothing else is ever good enough. last year we went to mils on christmas day and mum got really upset that she had been relegated to boxing day, even though my sister was down on boxing day too. mum has already demanded we go to hers this year, but whatever we do we will be made to feel guilty as we will be taking a 'first' christmas away from somebody.

dcoppack · 25/06/2009 17:49

First Christmas are really boring. Child sleeps all day or throws up, your tired and they have no idea what is going on. I would let him have it this year in exchange for next year which is way more fun. Then you get the upper moral ground too.

MaybeAfterBreakfast · 25/06/2009 17:57

I agree with FairyNufff. Stay at home. Start new traditions. You are the parents now. If not you'll get stuck with this battle for the next goodness knows however many years. And make it clear to parents and inlaws what you're doing very early on (now) rather than close to Christmas when emotions and parental expectations run high.

Original poster

SouthMum · 25/06/2009 18:01

Hi everyone

Sorry I haven't ignored you all have been blitzing the house as DS had a rare daytime sleep.

Take on board everyones comments - especially the ones about be moving the goalposts just because we now have a baby. Must admit I didn't see it from that POV before.

I might do as some suggest and share the day, but at the moment I'm leaning towards his mums this year and mine next year. I was being a bit PFB in hanging everything on this being his first Christmas but I suppose next year will be the better one. Also if I get hung up on everything being his 'First Time' I'll never want to go anywhere (Hey its his first poo on the toilet woohoo!!!)

Not only that but after having a bit of a think (while doing the dishes) I suppose my inability to get over my Grandmas death won't suddenly disappear just because I took DS to my parents so was also putting too much weighting on that...... Just thought the happy memory of DS' first Christmas at my mums might override the bittersweet ones I have of my Grandma being there. I can still visit my parents after we have been to his for a couple of hours.

Thanks guys - I feel better knowing I'm not being TOTALLY unreasonable and this has helped loads

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Original poster

SouthMum · 25/06/2009 18:07

Although now I am also thinking that Christmas here won't be too bad. Anyway, have got a couple of options to think about and I am determined to get it sorted way before Christmas as I tend to go a bit nuts near Christmas (its all the shopping)

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Kimi · 25/06/2009 18:12

YANBU I think it is about time your parents got a turn, although once I had the DCs people had to come to us at Christmas as I was not taking the children here there and everywhere at Christmas

Kimi · 25/06/2009 18:15

YANBU I think it is about time your parents got a turn, although once I had the DCs people had to come to us at Christmas as I was not taking the children here there and everywhere at Christmas

ByThePowerOfGreyskull · 25/06/2009 18:16

SouthMum, can I just second the idea of you being at yours.
if you have space to do it, YOU do the turkey so the MiL & M don't argue over it and ask one to bring wine/drinks and crackers etc and the other one to do pudding/cheese.

If you ask them to join you at coffee time then there is time for them to both coo over the baby whilst you do the last bits of lunch,
then you can all have a fabulous dinner together.

What fabulous memories you have of your childhood, your little one will have double that with both grandparents being there and happy.

I would also say that it is important that you say what you want for YOUR little family unit it will be both grandparents desire for you to be a happy camp so ultimately everyone will be happy.

and for all those who say it is too early to plan Christmas - Bah Humbug - have already started shopping

zeke · 25/06/2009 18:18

I would either start alternating or having both sets of parents at your place (or cheekily convince one or the other to host it!).

Original poster

SouthMum · 25/06/2009 18:20

Hmmm, I'll speak to DP and see what he thinks about Christmas here. I'm not bothered about the cooking it was just where to sit everyone but we can sort something out.

Oooh decisions decisions!!

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