about Christmas day? (Yes the discussion has already started)........

[SouthMum]

Right ladies I think this is my first AIBU so be nice please

Bit of background - Christmas day at my Mum and Dads from being young was always a great family day - my grandparents (mums side), uncles, brother etc would all be there. However when my Grandma died when I was about 18 I didn't spend Christmas day at my parents from then on - the pain of her not being there was too hard for me (family all split up due to various reasons afterwards - too much to go into now and nothing to do with this AIBU). I usually went to a boyfriends and my parents understood why.

For the last 8 years I have beeen going to DPs parents for Christmas day so this year DP is assuming we will go there again. However we now have a DS and for the first time in almost 10 years I want to spend the day at my mum and dads. I love having the memories of my Grandma being there and would love to have a special memory of my DS' first Christmas being there aswell.

My parents do see DS alot more than DPs parents (I do always say they can see him whenever they want though, but they are always going out somewhere) so part of me thinks its only one day, but there again we have gone there for the last 8 years. His mum has had a grandchilds first Christmas there but my mum hasn't (my Mum doesn't mind if we go to his parents btw so this isn't my mum being all cats bum face about it). I also feel going to my parents will help myself and my mum with the empty feeling we usually have on this day. New start and all that IYSWIM??

I said we would have Christmas at his parents next year but he is pulling his face because he wants to go to his parents again.

AIBU to insist we go to my parents this year?

YANBU.
I would do this year at your parents, next year his and then yours from then on as your dc will only want to leave his toys behind until he's about four and you don't have enough christmasses to take enough turns!!

My experioence is that this fiorst Christmas is nice but in a quiet way. Then they get better and better for the next deacede or so before becoming about money instead.

Whioch must be why we had a ds4 just as ds1 hit that age PMSL

That forst Chriostmas when they can open their own gifts a bit, tip the dinner on the floor, etc is the best- and that's 2010.

But whatever decisions you make, make them known NOW- do in laws have lots of time to plan around (Mum and Dad ended up low on guests this year so went out for a lunch) and of coursee so DP can't change his mind!

YANBU echo what fairynuff said, have it at yours. Xmas decisions are a nightmare for us each year because of MiL. Myself and dh have never had a xmas to ourselves and since dd arrived never a xma sjust the 3 of us cos MiL is unspeakably difficult and BiL doean't help.

dc2 due in Sept and we're moving so a lot of changes and unheaval so we're going to have to broach tje subject that it's JUST THE 4 OF US AT HOME THIS YEAR but know MiL will manipulate her way in and BiL will dissaper off somewhere and leave us to have her as happens every year.

God I hate having to do this xmas malarkey every year!

I think it is a bit odd that parents have had their own Christmases and yet they expect to carry on once you have left home instead of giving you your own turn. We stay at home, and if we have grandparents we often have both lots together. On the odd occasion that we have had just lunch at my mother's house DHs family have gone too. It is a lot simpler if you combine DH's family with your family.

I am worrying about Christmas already too

It will be DD's 2nd and I promised my in laws that we would go there as we spent her first christmas at my parents but my grandma died 10 days ago and now it will be the first christmas without her and I want to be there for my mum

Southmum the first christmas after my Dad and MIL died we had myself, DH, month old DD, GF, GM, GM, DM, DSis, FIL, SIL, BIL, and 2 nephews. We had enough room to seat 6.
We had a temporary table that ran the length of the room that we had to dismantle and put outside after lunch or there would have been no where to sit down. No-one minded being cramped.

To be honest it was the first time we were all together at Christmas and the saddest bit was we realised how nice it would have been if my Dad and MIL had been there and wished we had done it before and had a big family christmas.

Glad you are getting it straight what you want to do. You DH and DS are the new unit, make your own traditions and magical memories.

I am so sorry you lost your Grandmother and it has upset you for so long. My Nana was my lifeline and I am also lost without her. I am currently trying to repopulate my Christmas table by making new additions.

Those of you who think it is too early bah humbug. Some of us will have busy Decembers giving birth so need to plan ahead.

or book a huge cottage or restuarant for the day and invite everyone. Splitting the costs between lots of people is not too bad.

I'd like to suggest our pattern which works brilliantly - We have both sets of parents round in the morning, have champers etc while presents are opened, then we do a light but special lunch like smoked salmon scrambled eggs or similar, then have a walk together or sometimes visit SIL.

From about 3pm we have the day to ourselves, and DH, DS and I have an intimate christmas dinner together about 6pm, with candles. It's lovely!

I find having the meal to look forward to means that you don't get that awful anti-climax feeling when presents are done and so is lunch!

Only cooking for 3 means I can rustle up the dinner quite quickly, too

Works so well for us

Sounds a great idea slowreadingprogress. Since it is OP first Christmas with DC and you are thinking about it in June (horrible thought!)I would at least get the Christmas that you want and set the precedent for future ones. If you don't want the tyranny of staying with alternate sets of parents, then don't start- or you will be stuck with it.

I havent had time to read it all, but cant they all pile 'round your house - then you all get babys 1st Christmas?

No, see your parents, you do seem to have overreacted a bit to grannies death, it must have been sad for them to feel she was the bit of "family" christmas you most valued. Your husband has had it his way for a few years. As the kids get older you'll probably want to develop your own family Christmas traditions at your own house anyway so your kids have similar memories to you, not being trailed to grannies every Christmas.

Firstly, I do not understand why some posters are making it sound as though the DH has 'had it his way' for the last 8 years. The way I understood the OP was that it was her choice not to spend Christmas with her parents after the death of her Grandma.

I can see why DH would be upset to think that his parents were good enough for Christmas when it suited the OP, but now there is a baby, suddenly she wants to share his first Christmas with her own parents, as though his don't matter anymore.

However, I do think that now is the time to start making your own, new traditions for your new family. Personally, we have always had christmas day just for us and the DCs, with only 2 exceptions in the last 30 years. It has worked and our parents all understood why we chose to do that. Wedid however, start this right from our first christmas as a married couple. If there is any way you can manage to accommodate all the family at yours, I do think that would be best, that way, in future years, you don't have the problems of transporting child(ren), equipment,pressies to dish out/pressies received,or child(ren)'s favourite new toys, to whichever parents 'turn' it is that year.

'I can see why DH would be upset to think that his parents were good enough for Christmas when it suited the OP, but now there is a baby, suddenly she wants to share his first Christmas with her own parents, as though his don't matter anymore.'

That was the point that really struck me too and it would be a bit upsetting for DHs parents. I think that is another reason for doing your own thing and never starting the taking turns bit.
As a parent, I have done every Christmas the way that I want and so I won't expect my adult DCs to feel a duty to return on Christmas Day. Perhaps the reason all these parents put the pressure on the adult DCs is because they were travelling up and down the motorway when their DCs were small! I would break the cycle-before you start it. If you go to one lot this year you will find that it is the other lots 'turn' next year and so it goes on.

2rebecca - it wasn't that my Grandma was the bit of family Christmas I most valued at all. My mum, Grandma and myself were very close and after her death things just weren't the same and my parents completely understood why it was so hard for me to be around at Christmas. I actually think it was hard for my Mum to have me there aswell tbh - we understand each other is what I am trying to say. I won't comment on your "overreacted a bit to Grannies death" remark though.

Sayithowitis - I agree with you in that DP hasn't had it his way, I chose to go to his parents for the last 8 years. I can see why on face value it looks like I only went there when it suited me but thats not the case at all, I would have been happy staying at home. Everyone in the family said I would feel like its a new start when DS arrived and I didn't know what they meant but now he is here I see what they mean. We are no longer just boyfriend / girlfriend we are a family and it has made me think about things with a different perspective.

We would have seen both sets of parents on the day regardless of where we went - it was just who do we spend most of the day with (dinner etc) and this year I just felt maybe it was time to be with my family for most of the day. As I said earlier DP's parents have had a grandchilds first Christmas at their home whereas mine haven't had the chance so I wanted it to be a bit special for them (again my Mum would hate the thought of me getting worked up about this so its not her being a crow-face about it).

Anyway, I'm thinking we'll probably go to DP's this year for the dinner and then my parents afterwards and alternate until DS is a bit older then we'll probably want to stay at home and have people come to us. The thought of cooking a dinner for 10+ people with no dining table and an almost 1 year old crawling around makes me feel slightly queasy!

You are so lucky both sets of parents live so near - my parents and PILs both live about 2 hours' drive away from us, in opposite directions, so it's not realistic to visit both in the same day, and we couldn't really invite both to ours as we don't have room to put them up. I do understand why it feels difficult to you, but try to see how lucky you are to be able to see both sets on Christmas Day, regardless of where you actually have Christmas dinner.

I do Cuppachar. After sleeping on it things look a bit different. Whatever we do its only one day and as you say at least we can see both sets of parents in the one day and still be able to spend the night at home.

TBH I'm thinking too much about what might make it a nice day for my mum - I bet if I asked her she would probably be gratful if we didn't have the dinner there as she will have a bit of a houseful with my brother and the bit of family we are still in contact with.

As I said before we used to spend almost the entire day at his parents so we can just split the day in two (and have two dinners - that will be the best bit actually!!)

Yuor post has actually made me feel a bit for making a big deal out of it....

Didn't mean to make you feel like that! I totally understand why you want to spend Christmas with your mum this year, and think it's a really positive step for you to feel that way after finding Christmas hard for so long. Maybe you should just chat to your mum soon - I'm sure she'll be pleased you feel the way you do.

It does sound as if your partner is being a little bit unreasonable wanting to go to his parents' house again - have you asked him why?

I know Cuppa, it just humbled (if thats the right word?) me a little thats all. At least both sets of folks live close enough.

I have asked him and kind of explained where I am coming from but he doesn't really understand. He doesn't really know how much my Grans death affected me as we didn't know each other then and I don't really speak about her much because I just can't. My background is a bit different to his aswell (he grew up in a very affluent area) so Christmas is very different. My family sit at a makeshift table watching the latest Christmas comedy DVDs that my Dad always gets and in his family the men go to the pub and come back to a 'proper' dinner with a laid out table and then we sit at the tree - you get the drift. So I think a part of him is cringing a bit at the thought of spending it with my family, I don't think that will be the main reason as he does get on with them but I think his heart did sink a little at the thought (which I'm fine with - my Dad especially can be a bit tedious when he gets going!)

Its way to early for Christmas I think you should go to your families though.

Actually I retract that Why not have a big family one with both

I suppose it's because my mum died recently and her death made me want to spend the next Christmas with my family and do something different and be there for my dad. Avoiding my family altogether would have felt weird and I think my dad would have felt rejected. I've never stopped seeing my family because of my mum's death, in fact I see more of my dad and talk to him more. It seemed strange to me that you'd take a fairly extreme reaction to a grandparent's death which I think of as being less traumatic than a parent's, unless you were brought up by your grandparents because you had dysfunctional parents.

2rebecca - I hope you are asking a genuine question and not just being insulting when you ask if I had dysfunctional parents.

The answer is no, I was just very close to my Grandma, she was like my second mum.

People handle grief in different ways, if you are a grown up you should understand that.

Infact I am highly fucking pissed off, which is rare for me on a faceless nameless message board. Let me explain something to you - grief is a very personal thing and people handle it differently.

Obviously your way of handling a Grandparents death would be to shrug it off because, oh well, its only a Grandparent.

Perhaps you weren't that close to yours as I was to mine which is why you don't understand. If I wanted to be shitty I would ask if your relationship with them is / was a bit dysfunctional, but I won't sink to your level.

Now if you have any further constructive suggestions to my actual AIBU and not some inane comments about my relationship with my parents please feel free otherwise please refrain from grief counselling as you are not that great at it.