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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find reactions to my baby's gender odd?

96 replies

FattipuffsandThinnifers · 24/06/2009 22:56

I'm 21 weeks pg and found out today at a scan that I'm having a girl . I have a ds already. I've told some family and a few friends, and a common reaction is "how lovely, now you'll have the perfect family".

Now, I'm very happy to be having a girl, but would have been equally happy to have another boy (and in some ways happier for ds to have more of a like-minded playmate iyswim). If this baby was a boy, I certainly would not have felt in any way cheated of the 'perfect' family unit. I also certainly do not feel sorry for any of my friends whose children are all of the same sex!

I understand why people say this, and of course it's meant with all lovely intentions, but AIBU to find it a bit odd? And to wonder what the reaction would have been if I was having a second boy?

OP posts:
insertwittynicknameHERE · 25/06/2009 10:08

YANBU.
We have a DD and another DD due imminently. I remember being out shopping with my mum not long after DH and I had found out the sex. Mum bumped into some old friends of hers, they offered me their congratulations, I thanked them. Then one of them asked if I knew the sex I said yes it is a girl, she responded by saying 'I bet your husband isn't very happy with you'

My response; 'what a nasty thing to say, DH and I are both delighted, if you have nothing nice to say then I suggest you shut up' Then I walked off with DD, leaving my mum quite gob smacked.

rupertsabear · 25/06/2009 10:16

Insert, you should have mentioned that that part was actually your dh's responsibility anyway.

itsbeingsocheerful · 25/06/2009 10:31

Although it is obviously well-meant chit chat, the 'you must be really please it's a boy this time' caused weeks of upset in our house when DD2, then 5, overheard a friend say that of newborn DS.

It was only after days of really bad tantrums, that she sobbed out... "you don't like me cos I'm a girl. You wanted a boy. Now you've got HIM, you won't want me."

Mind you she got her own back: she demanded I knitted a Herod that Christmas!

Original poster
FattipuffsandThinnifers · 25/06/2009 10:35

Lol @ hoover

I'm not actually annoyed by these comments, more that it surprises me that other parents in particular think that if you have 1 (or more) of one sex, you must therefore necessarily want one of the other kind. One friend has actually said "perfect, job done"!

OP posts:
jellybeans · 25/06/2009 10:46

When I had DS, 7 months, the couple opposite had a boy and they also had a girl. The midwife cooed very loudly,'how clever, one of each, well done you!' to the woman very loudly. The lady next to me was not congratulated as she had had her 2nd boy.

I had 3 girls first but sadly lost DD3 at 23 weeks. After we found out her gender at 20 weeks, MIL said 'poor daddy' even though she was critically ill, gender was the last thing on our minds!

We then went on to have 3 boys. I honestly just wanted a live baby, after 4 losses, 2 very late, we just wanted a baby who lived. I like having the girls and the boys close in age as they play so well together.

I always make a point of saying 'how nice, congrats' to anyone having their 2nd/3rd/4th boy/girl as I know many people say awful things.

lolster · 25/06/2009 11:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lissya · 25/06/2009 11:50

It says more about their family desires than it does yours.

Obviously they are projecting what they think is the "perfect" family IYSWIM more than anything else.

Ignore them. after all, it's not the worst thing in the world to say (and at least it's positive unlike "bet your DH isn't happy with you" - which is negative and deserved the response it got).

Just be happy with what you have and focus on your own pg rather than bothering what the masses think, especially when they are trying to be pleasant and congratulatory.

dawntigga · 25/06/2009 14:30

YANBU people are odd

I didn't want to know and didn't care about the sex of my ds and everyone thought that was odd. Some were convinced I knew when I didn't - somebody thought I knew because I boughty myself a japanese girl money box for spare change!

dxx

wasabipeanut · 25/06/2009 14:34

It is small talk but I can see why it might wind people up.

This is why I won't be finding out in advance.

meemarsgotabrandnewbump · 25/06/2009 14:38

Congratulations!

We have two boys and have just found out we are having a girl. We are thrilled of course.

Everyone has been so overjoyed for us that we were having a girl, though, that at one point I felt really defensive of my boys, and did wonder if they would have felt sorry for us if it had been a third boy!

slayerette · 25/06/2009 14:38

Although like seeker, I do know my BIL really did want a boy when my sister had their second and although of course he wouldn't swap his two girls for anything sometimes people do have preferences.

MirandaG · 25/06/2009 14:39

This 'gentleman's family', 'King's family' thing for one boy and one girl is hilarious. Apparently in Ireland it's called a Protestant family - someone I know had her family described as such recently . I have two girls - not sure what that's called - certainly not a Catholic family anyway . And I am an Irish Catholic before anyone starts getting offended! But the barely suppressed yawns of boredom when we produced a second girl were quite surprising and a little hurtful. My parents didn't come to see her for two weeks. Fair enough we were in a different country, but really not that far away.... I had had three miscarriages in between as well. People really do tend to see children as commodities.

itsalwaysthequietones · 25/06/2009 14:44

YANBU - some people have such rigid ideas of the 'perfect' family. I was sitting with a friend observing a young family on the beach one day and the friend turned to me and said "aah, that's almost the perfect family except that the girl is older than the boy"?!!

I have a DD and am now pregnant - fully expect everyone to tell me when I'm able to announce the news that I must be hoping for a boy this time. It's irritating but agree that people don't mean it to be rude/offensive

sophiesmummie · 27/07/2010 14:25

Of course every parent is eternally grateful to have a healthy baby . And of course every child, regardless of gender is special and very different.

But is it wrong to be equally happy/grateful to have the opportunity of being able to raise a boy AND a girl? To have the experience of raising both genders?

In my family a lot of the males are (rightly or wrongly) keen on having a boy - whether this is for the surname or to play football I'm not sure. But is this wrong?

otchayaniye · 27/07/2010 14:45

It's a perfect example of what people say when they are cornered, and/or bored. It's like you present them with a binary choice, and startled, like rabbits in the headlights, they have to say something validating that binary choice to make you feel good about it.

But many people are awkward and socially inept so it comes out arse about face.

They probably a) couldn't give a shit really and b) don't prefer one gender over another really.

It's all words, it's all bollocks and disappears into the ether.

Congratulations. You'll have one of each, perfect eh?

See what I mean?

sophieandbelly · 27/07/2010 14:46

again think people just not sure what to say, iam also getting fed up with people (my mil) wishing a boy on me! not that i would rather have one or the other, i havnt found out the sex of dc2 and will be over the moon with whatever arrives.

people assume that especially my dp want a son, which again he would be more than happy about but at the same time if u ask him he would prob say he would rather another girl! people say weird things full stop when ur expecting

skidoodly · 27/07/2010 14:54

next time i'm definitely trying for a santa

HollyGoHeavily · 27/07/2010 14:55

I am expecting DD2 soon and I do get wound up when people ask if DP is upset at having another girl. Well no, actually, he is thrilled to be having another child and he adores DD1.

Some people seem to think the lack of a son means he will suddenly not be allowed to be interested in sport, camping, mud and all the other things that apparently daughters aren't allowed to enjoy with him

rocketupbum · 27/07/2010 14:56

I know how you feel. I have a DS and a DD and have no real intention of having more for various sensible reasons. However the "the perfect family" brigade make me really really want to have another (maybe a chocolate labradour this time?!) just to ruin the picture.

rachel234 · 27/07/2010 15:03

In my own experience of my friends and family, a lot of mums would love the opportunity to raise a girl and many dads would be thrilled with a son, whether they admit it or not, me included. This is often difficult to admit as you don't want to come across as ungrateful.

moragbellingham · 27/07/2010 15:07

I had one colleague who said "Never mind, next time, eh?" when I told her I was having another girl.

I couldn't have been happier and was puzzled, rather than angry.

sapphireblue · 27/07/2010 15:08

I had more than one "oh well never mind" on the birth of DD2. From close family mainly. Also a lot of assumption that I will go on to have DC3 in the hope of producing the elusive longed for boy

rachel234 · 27/07/2010 15:26

sapphireblue, maybe you won't but I know a lot of my friends who DO go on to having another baby in the hope of having a baby of the other gender.

rachel234 · 27/07/2010 15:29

Victoria Beckham has made no secret out of the fact that she'd love a daughter. Neither has Jamie Oliver of hiw wish for a son. There ARE a lot of people who have a wish for a specific gender, especially after having had one or more of the other.

PerpetuallyAnnoyedByHeadlice · 27/07/2010 15:33

YANBU theres a couple close to where i live have 8 daughters then a son, they were on this morning gmtv etc in all the papers - wonderful news a boy at last - how are some of those girls going to feel knowing they were not really what their parents wanted??

and people can be so insensitive - the number of people who even though they knew DD3 was stillborn, when we went on to have a subsequent DS, lots and lots of comments about 3rd time lucky and thank goodness it wasnt anothr, how glad DH must be to have some male hormones in the house girl etc etc - idiots!