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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To find reactions to my baby's gender odd?

96 replies

FattipuffsandThinnifers · 24/06/2009 22:56

I'm 21 weeks pg and found out today at a scan that I'm having a girl . I have a ds already. I've told some family and a few friends, and a common reaction is "how lovely, now you'll have the perfect family".

Now, I'm very happy to be having a girl, but would have been equally happy to have another boy (and in some ways happier for ds to have more of a like-minded playmate iyswim). If this baby was a boy, I certainly would not have felt in any way cheated of the 'perfect' family unit. I also certainly do not feel sorry for any of my friends whose children are all of the same sex!

I understand why people say this, and of course it's meant with all lovely intentions, but AIBU to find it a bit odd? And to wonder what the reaction would have been if I was having a second boy?

OP posts:

LyraSilvertongue · 24/06/2009 23:38

Another of my MN names is The Lady Salmakia.

MirandaG · 24/06/2009 23:39

How about 'shame it's not a boy, but we'll love her anyway'. Err thanks

zipzap · 24/06/2009 23:40

"Well I had been trying for a kitten / lobster / hippo / hoover / etc" is always quite a useful quip to throw back when you don't want to get into personal discussions about what you think about your baby's gender.

I only add in hoover because, when we asked ds1 if he would like a little brother or sister (when we knew that one was on the way) his first answer was no, can it be a hoover, and second answer was no, can we have a santa... Luckily third time we got the anticipated/hoped for 'yes' answer!

TheDevilWearsSocksWithSandals · 24/06/2009 23:42

I have a boy and girl, very close in age.

It does annoy me when people say 'how perfect'

But in some ways it is. They like to play 'Charlie and Lola'

DisturbinglySexuallyInactive · 24/06/2009 23:43

when I was pregnant I used to dream that I gave birth to a kitten and in the dream I was very touchy and tearful when people peered into the pram and asked where the rest of the litter was!

just thinking about that is making me BROODY

Grendle · 24/06/2009 23:48

YANBU

When I told one friend about our current (third) child in the making she actually looked shocked and slightly dismayed and said "But you already have the perfect family". I found it really insulting. Yes, I have a wonderful ds and dd, but we actively want a third (and possibly more) child. She wasn't the only one to make a similar comment. I found it v rude.

Pennybubbly · 25/06/2009 06:18

YANBU, BUT. That's what daft people say isn't it? It goes hand in hand with "When are you going to try for number 2?" a day after you've given birth to number 1, and (even worse) "When are you going to start a family" (said any time after exchanging wedding vows) and "well he/she has been a long time coming hasn't she/he? (said if the time between marriage and birth of child is longer than 9 months)... ah I could go on...

posieparker · 25/06/2009 07:13

Definitely something nice to say.... I'm sure the same people would have said how lovely to have two boys who will play together or something similar.

I was very pleased to have a girl after two boys.

Kayzr · 25/06/2009 07:18

I have 2 boys and I got lots of "Oh well at least he is healthy"
We are planning to have a third and I really would love a girl but if we get a third boy then I will be over the moon!!

MamaLazarou · 25/06/2009 08:35

No, you are not being unreasonable.

I am pregnant with our first child, and ALL my family want it to be a boy. My grandmother lost a son at 2 days old, my mum has two daughters but ADORES my brother, my sister has three daughters and my brother says he wants a nephew 'to take to football'.

DH and I would just like a healthy baby and would be equally happy with either.

When people ask us what we want the baby to be, I tell them, 'Well, DH would like a monkey, but I'm hoping for a kitten'.

If anyone DARES to express disappointment if the baby is a girl, then I will give them a piece of my mind (and won't let them hold her).

Nahui · 25/06/2009 08:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

4andnotout · 25/06/2009 08:45

I have 4 dd's so we mainly get comment that we must be trying for a boy, or about 'poor dp' not having a boy.

As long as my babies are all healthy i don't care what sex they are!

Kayzr · 25/06/2009 08:48

I know this old lady who has 6 girls and 1 boy. She said she just kept going until she got her DS.

francagoestohollywood · 25/06/2009 08:52

Oh congratulations!

It is just something to say and could be the start of a long convo about the benefits of having different genders children or same genders, etc etc.
And if you actually wanted a boy you could tell just so. "You know, i really wanted another boy "Oh I'm so sorry you are upset, why is it that you wanted a boy so much?" " for x,y,z reasons" etc etc. It could be the start of a friendship!
I don't think it's odd at all, just a way to chat!

fruitstick · 25/06/2009 08:59

I have 2 DS. People automaically assumed I wanted a girl and lots of people asked if I was disappointed . My stock response was 'no but I am hoping DS2 will be gay'

I actually think I would be far more likely to have a third if I had one of each. I couldn't bear either DS2 or (potential DS3) thinking they weren't what was wanted.

fruitstick · 25/06/2009 08:59

Oh, and congratulations

seeker · 25/06/2009 09:00

Whem my ds was born (already had a dd), an old lady in the shop said "Oh how lovely - now you've got a pigeon pair"!

I think it's just something to say, to be honest - I'm sure I've said in the past something similar. I'm also sure I've said "Another little boy - how lovely, boys are so cuddly" and "Another girl - how lovely, their dad doesn't stand a chance with two of them wrapping him round their little fingers" And so on - and on.

Kayzr · 25/06/2009 09:00

Fruitstick, I had thought that too. I have had people say to DS2 "your mummy wanted you to be a girl" Yes I'd love a girl but my boys were very very much wanted.

sobloodystupid · 25/06/2009 09:02

snap! I have a dd and ds, and everyone said how perfect, a gentleman's family. And it is. But now I want another one

zeke · 25/06/2009 09:07

If you were having another boy I am pretty sure the response would be 'how lovely - two little boys to play together' owtte!

I don't think people mean anything by it, well most people. I know there are a few out there who think and say bizarre and hurtful things as a matter of course!

misdee · 25/06/2009 09:09

YANBU

when people hear i have 4 girls i get a lot of 'oh are you keepign going for a boy' 'oh did u want girls' 'do you want a boy' 'your husband must be outnumbered'

i usually tell them that dh is moving out in 4 years when dd1 hits her teens and will move back in in 18years. usually makes them laugh or look shocked.

Ozziegirly · 25/06/2009 09:13

I know I have done this before. But honestly, I'm just making conversation and trying to be vaguely interested in someone else's pregnancy.

I met a friend of a friend once who was heavily pregnant and I dutifully asked "when's it due" (god, is there anything wrong with asking this?) etc and then said "are you hoping for a boy or a girl" and she replied "we're hoping for a baby".

I just stuttered "oh, erm ok then".

I honestly just thought she was a bit weird/rude, but hadn't assumed that my gentle small talk had been construed as some kind of attack on her pregnancy choices.

seeker · 25/06/2009 09:53

This was hard for my poor bil. He really really desperately wanted a boy when their second one was on the way, and although he was delighted with their second girl, he couldn't help feeling a bit disappointed as well. It was hard when people asked him whether he had wanted a boy because he had - but of course he didn't say it!

morningpaper · 25/06/2009 09:56

This is really just smalltalk. Otherwise the conversation goes: "What are you having?" "A girl!" "Oh"

one wants to fill the vaccuum a little with nonsense

that's what people do

Lovely and sunny today!

rupertsabear · 25/06/2009 10:07

Of course it's just polite conversation, but it would be kind to be careful. I really wanted (want?) a daughter and I have 3 sons. I love them very much, but to say I was disappointed that ds3 was a boy is putting it mildly. I have never told anyone at all except dh, who feels the same (partly because I would be mortified if it ever got played back to any of my lovely boys).

So, I find the people who continue 4 years on to say "poor you", "3 boys, what a nightmare!", "omg, how do you manage?", "you must be longing for a girl" and I could go on and on and on, crassly insensitive. Firstly, if they're right that I'm disappointed, then they're twisting the knife around and around. And even if they weren't, how rude to imply there's something horrible about my children. So yaNbu, but the only sensible thing to do about it is to ignore it, for the reason Ozzigirlie cites.

And as an aside, having 3 the same is actually perfect, as they all find pretty much the same kind of activities appealing, it means I can buy whatever I like for ds1 as everything gets worn to death or played with to death, and they are happy to play at wrestling match for the whole of a wet Sunday.

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