to be fed up with my mum (I'm only a teen by the way)

[FedUpDaughter]

I know, I know, I'm on mumsnet and I'm not a mum. But I want to run my mum's behaviour by some of you (I heard of you because you're in the papers all the time :p )

Anyway, I'm 19 but almost 20, at uni. My parents are very strict Christians.

I've had a boyfriend for 6 months and he is my first real boyfriend. I am really in love with him but my my parents (especially my mum I think) disapprove because he doesn't have a 'proper' job and he isn't at Uni.
I find it difficult that my mum is disapproving of him, and she's always saying things like 'why doesn't he want an eductaion' etc.

The other day she gave me a talk on how I'm 'not allowed' to fall in love. My reply was that this was ridiculous as I am almost 20 and actually it would be ok if I fell in love. She made it so I can't say I do love him, which is awkward.

Then last night I told her I was going to visit him in a few weeks for a night. She went mental and told me the 'ground rules' which are that I cannot stay over at his house. I said again, I am almost 20 and it would be my choice if I did this, and also my older bro stays at his gf's. My mum then said 'you've gone red, you better not be telling me something here'. So I had to leave it.

Unfortunately I got an STI from my bf and I find it very depressing that I can't talk to her about it. I also have ahd problems with the pill I've been put on, but again, could never discuss it.

What can I do to make her see I am old enough to make my own choices? She is very stuck in her ways. My bro is 25 and she believes he is a virgin.

I find it all very but mainly because my bf is coming to visit and I just feel she won't respect him. I don't think she will be rude but I can tell she won't like him.

Sorry, that was long! Can any mums see her perspective? I can't! Aaaargh

Pick yourself a less situation-specific name and come back, it's fun here (although some can be a bit bumsex-obsessed) and non-parents are allowed.

Yeah, don't go!

Well...if non parents are allowed, I will stay. But will flee at all mentions of bumsex!

Like the name

There really are some things mum's don't want/need to know about their grown up kids I think.

I just wouldn't tell her about your private life.

My mum and I have an excellent relationship, but once I was an adult my life was my life and while of course I would take her opinions into account she simply had to accept that I was no longer and child and would and could do what I liked.

Out of interest, what is his job? Unless he is a gigolo or a drug pusher I can't see why she would have a problem?

I dont know toddlerama, some parents would consider any job that doesn't require a suit as being 'below' their university-educated daughter.

Morloth: the 'my life is my life' thing only really works once you have permanently moved out of home, and a lot of students and parents-of-students consider themsleves to have a very definite adult-child relationship while the child is at university, if they are going back and living with parents during holidays.

It's a job in fast food. I feel like I'm giving away a lot of info here! It's in Subway, the particular francise he works for has very good routes to store/area management and if he continues and does become a manager he would be very well paid, company car etc. But my mum just sees the fast food label.

Definitely not a gigolo!!

I understand your comments.

But the STI thing I never should have mentioned. To defend him- I have genital herpes by receiving oral sex from him. He last had a cold sore about a year ago. He didn't have one at the time. Not useful to say 'aim a little higher'.

Maybe my future potential boyfriends will want to 'aim a little higher' when they find out I have herpes?

It is, sorry, I'm a bit sensitive.

And you can, actually, it's called viral shedding. He didn't have one, I already said he didn't. I would have seen a cold sore!

I understand my mum's view, but I think it's a little snobby.

Yeah, I agree. What's so great about this guy?

I was just reading the thread - you said he dropped out of education to care for his mother - sounds like a good guy.

You agree with what?

btw. how old IS your mum? You say she is very stuck in her ways. My mum was 42 when I was 19. Is she much much older than you?

She's in her 50s.

Aha! I remember a mum asking about this a few weeks ago- we all told her she was being a bit snobby if I recall...I thought that last night, but hey, if I can find the thread, it might be her!!

Hi OP, I just wanted to say that I understand why you wanted to tell your mum about things. It's not about approval, it's about sharing and having her to confide in.

So I don't think you should chide yourself for being childish.

Second, I agree with what themildmannerdjanitor says, except to add that, just because your mum is worried about something, it doesn't necessarily mean that she is right.

She may be, but at the end of the day she will have to learn to let you go and maybe make mistakes and bad decisions. This is very hard for us mums (and dads) to do.

What you have to do is be absolutely clear in your mind that you are doing what you want to do because it is what you believe, and not just to spite her. Then you can go on a live your life confidently.

"Unfortunately I got an STI from my bf and I find it very depressing that I can't talk to her about it. I also have ahd problems with the pill I've been put on, but again, could never discuss it."

OP what exactly is it that you want? do you want your mum to treat you like an adult or do you want her to praise you're every move and give you hugs at the end of every bad day?

I wouldn't tell my mum if I'm having STI or contraception issues* just as she wouldn't tell me, we're both adults and these are things that adults can deal with. (unless it was something like hepatitis or HIV in which case I would feel a need to tell her and want her to tell me).
(*not because I couldn't tell her, she's a liberal child of the 60s, I just have no need or desire to)

Sounds to me like your still on the fence with this one, and until you take the leap right over to the 'adult' side, your mum is going to keep treating you like a child as you still have a foot in that camp

you're not sounding very independent, decisive or confident, which may be why your mum feels the need to keep the apron strings tight for a while longer

BTW, I don't mean to sound as if I think you are making mistakes. You sound pretty sensible to me, and clear-headed about your boyfriend. As long as he is living an ethical life, and being good to you, then really, that's all a mum could ask.

salbysea I see your point. I wonder if the OP wants to make a big point to her mum about the contraception to shake her up and say "Notice that I am an adult now"

However, I wouldn't talk to my mum about STI's in a million years, and I am quite close to her

Am I the only one roffling about mmj's advice to aim a little higher? Good advice if you want to perform oral sex with a coldsore

screamingabdab to me it sounds like she wants to talk to her mum about her pill in a "what should I do mum?" kinda way

The "adult" way would to research your options and make a decision about it. Its not a huge life or death dilemma, I had issues with the pill, am now thinking about contraception post baby - what has it got to do with my mum? - its a decision between me and my DH.

Unless her mum is a GP or Gynae or something, it is quite childlike to think "mum would know what's best"

OP I am not saying you are unusually immature and hope you don't take it as too much of a criticism, everyone crosses the adult line at different times, heck I dont think I started PROPERLY behaving like an adult till 25.