to be fed up with my mum (I'm only a teen by the way)

[FedUpDaughter]

I know, I know, I'm on mumsnet and I'm not a mum. But I want to run my mum's behaviour by some of you (I heard of you because you're in the papers all the time :p )

Anyway, I'm 19 but almost 20, at uni. My parents are very strict Christians.

I've had a boyfriend for 6 months and he is my first real boyfriend. I am really in love with him but my my parents (especially my mum I think) disapprove because he doesn't have a 'proper' job and he isn't at Uni.
I find it difficult that my mum is disapproving of him, and she's always saying things like 'why doesn't he want an eductaion' etc.

The other day she gave me a talk on how I'm 'not allowed' to fall in love. My reply was that this was ridiculous as I am almost 20 and actually it would be ok if I fell in love. She made it so I can't say I do love him, which is awkward.

Then last night I told her I was going to visit him in a few weeks for a night. She went mental and told me the 'ground rules' which are that I cannot stay over at his house. I said again, I am almost 20 and it would be my choice if I did this, and also my older bro stays at his gf's. My mum then said 'you've gone red, you better not be telling me something here'. So I had to leave it.

Unfortunately I got an STI from my bf and I find it very depressing that I can't talk to her about it. I also have ahd problems with the pill I've been put on, but again, could never discuss it.

What can I do to make her see I am old enough to make my own choices? She is very stuck in her ways. My bro is 25 and she believes he is a virgin.

I find it all very but mainly because my bf is coming to visit and I just feel she won't respect him. I don't think she will be rude but I can tell she won't like him.

Sorry, that was long! Can any mums see her perspective? I can't! Aaaargh

Whose is the wedding? Do they know your bf?

If not, I'd discourage him (on grounds of expensive trip).

Have him meet your parents on relationship 'home turf' ie: your Uni town.

Then he's not a guest in their house, so it doesn't overstrain things - & you are the adult inviting them into your life rather than bf being expected to meet approval in theirs, iyswim.

if its going to be tricky, but you want to introduce them, I'd advise starting with a small dose - just lunch, rather than jump them all in at the deep end with an overnight stay

Ok, lunch at Uni it is then. Thanks

oops, sorry ravenAK, didnt see your post,
what she said

At the end of the day, you are over 18 and an adult. You don't need your mum's permission for anything, and are entitled to lead your life the way you choose and to make your own choices. She can't actually dictate anything to you - you do realise that, don't you?

You need to move the relationship on. Show her that you are an adult now, not a child under her control. That means laying it out for her. Thank her for the upbringing she has given you, the love and support, but emphasise that you must begin to make your own way in the world and she must trust that she has raised you well enough for you to make a good job of running your own life.

I do sympathize- some good suggestions here too. It does get a bit easier...my mum has stopped giving me the catsbum face when my partner stays over at mine now, and I'm thirty-five, so there is hope

I used to know a girl who was a vicar's daughter and lived with her lesbian partner for seven years and changed the furniture round every time her parents came to visit so they'd think they were flatmates! Worse, she stayed once at her folks with her partner and a couple of gay male friends, and pretended to be put out that they were made to share rooms on a same-sex basis

"Unfortunately I got an STI from my bf and I find it very depressing that I can't talk to her about it. I also have ahd problems with the pill I've been put on, but again, could never discuss it."

Whoa. Why do you need to discuss that with her? Is it any of her business? You are nearly 20. You are a grown up.

"What can I do to make her see I am old enough to make my own choices? She is very stuck in her ways. My bro is 25 and she believes he is a virgin."

You can't do anything to make her see you are old enough to make your own choices.
You ARE old enough. You just have to make them.

Are you still living with your parents?
If so, she may have some recourse to lay down 'ground rules.' (Her house. Her rules.)

If you are not living at home, what is the problem? Why do you even have to tell her you are going to visit your boyfriend?

So your boyfriend will stay for the wedding. You can respect your parents house by not sharing a room with him and you say your mum will be polite to him. I'd say that's good enough for a first meeting.

It sounds like you are still looking for approval from her and need validating as a child might. But you aren't a child and you have to live your own life. She may not like it, but she is your mother. This will not break her!

Merrylegs- I suppose I am an adult. But I can see now I am acting like a child.
I guess I do look for approval from her.

Hm.

My parents are very contolling. I even saw a counsellor whilst at uni about the whole thing. She gave me one piece of good advice... She said, 'you are an adult so if you don't want your parents to tell you what you can and can't do then don't give them the oppertunity. For example, don't ask their oppinion/permission about things, just make the decision yourself and tell them thats what you're going to do'. This gives them less of a chance to disagree. They may not always be happy with your decisions and may still get angry now and again but now you are a grown up you need to take the power and be in conrtol of your own life.

Of course missing bits of info that might upset her will always help to soften the blow. Maybe she jsut needs a little shove (not literally!) to see that you are an adult now and it's not all up to her anymore.

Let her express her oppinions, they may not always match yours and you don't always have to agree with them.

you know what.. sometimes it's hard learning how to be a grown up.. especially around parents.. who still see the child.

sometimes it's hard being a parent and letting go of the child and seeing the grown up, who actually didn't turn out too bad LOL.

give yourself a break.. give your mum a break.. and just tell her nicely when she oversteps the mark.. and respect the fact that she may tell you her opinion.

My parents backed off when I was 20.. as I had a baby, mortgage, partner, and uni and job lol..

it was at that point they realised I was an adult .. and I saw them as humans not just parents ... it does get easier

Hi

There's lots of things in your message. I tend to agree with other posters who say at some point you need to decide to be independent and live with the consequences. I had very liberal parents so am not sure what the feeling is like to have moral disapproval. But even so, I do think all of us have to do the proper 'breaking away' thing, which means taking responsibility for your own choices.

You don't have to deceive her, but you can manage what you tell her. You may well find, later, you can return to the closeness you wish for. But only once she has accepted that you are not dependent any more. And indeed once YOU have accepted that.

So the sex thing: I think you and her will just have to agree to differ. You have the right, now, to set your own moral compass.

On the boyf thing, she also has no right to judge your choice of men. On the other hand, time and experience does tell all of us that boys come and go: experience, education and getting your own act together will last you a lifetime.

TBH you are mentioning his job and status rather a lot. Are you absolutely sure a part of you is not judging him too? Protesting too much? Maybe you want her approval for him because this would be an act of independence in itself.

He is your first proper boyfriend. She is right to have a hunch that things might change. She has no right however to make that decision for you.

Hi there FedUpDaughter. I too am 19, and not a mum yet (I come here mainly to get perspective on my own problems, both with my family and also some things relating to my eyesight problems- thank you all for that btw!)

Anyway, last year, at 18, I had my first proper boyfriend, and believe me, it was a nightmare! He was 28, and we'll get to his traits later.

I'm an only child so it was REALLY hard for my family to let go, they kept telling me it was a bad idea, not to have anything to do with him etc etc. It lasted 6 weeks, and my parents were right in the end. The guy was a compulsive liar, had anger issues and was actually banned from working with women at the place we both worked at.

BUT, my parents were able to let me learn, and make my own mistakes. I DID act like a child during this, kept telling them they were wrong, thought I knew everything, as you do when you're our age ;)

Anyway, the fact is, your mum just wants what's best for you, sit down and have a talk, try and explain how you feel without shouting, and just generally get things out in the open. And listen to her concerns too, respect is a two way street.

Good luck

I'm not sure I agree with Nahui - why is it SO important to be allowed to share a bed with your boyfriend/girlfriend in your parents house?

not doing so under their own roof if it makes them uncomfortable is not negating the relationship.

I just dont understand it because I never WANTED to sleep with boyfriends a few rooms away from my parents when I was a teen - much happier to do it in my houseshare or at theirs

If we were on neutral turf, like a hotel for a family wedding, I'd share with my boyfriend, but I never WANTED to take them to my parents house overnight when there were other options available

However if you pay your parents market value rent - then you are 100% entitled to do what you want to in your room even if its in their house (within the limits of the law)

Had a friend who used to joke about how she was really loud when her boyfriend stayed and her mum would joke about it over breakfast - I think that's Fing wierd! I think parents being uncomfortable with it is much more understandable!

.........more understandable AND healthy

Oh, it had a fair bit to do with them being alright with Nahui's brother being able to bunk in with his girlfriend though I reckon!

Me and my friends all went through this. For example, my friend's boyfriend stayed with her every single weekend while she was at uni and she didn't tell her parents about it. One day she scalded herself and needed to go to casualty, so her bf took her. Of course, when her parents found out about the injury it all came out that bf was there, was staying and stayed regularly. Even then she convinced them that he slept on the bean bag on the floor of her tiny halls of residence bedroom!

My own mum never approved of my boyfriends and I learned not to discuss sex with her as she was so uncomfortable with it. I first broached the subject at 16, when the family planning clinic advised me to tell my mum that I was going on the pill. To say she was horrified is the understatement of my life (despite the fact that I had a bf of over a year and thought that I was being responsible) At home I never shared my room with a bf (to my mum's knowledge any way ) as I could see that as it was her house, she got to call the shots.

As I got older she became more accepting of my choices (in men), even if she didn't agree and we worked out a mutual respect about this (much of it unspoken)

I sympathise with you not wanting to upset your mum, I still turn to my mum for advice on loads of stuff and her approval is still important to me. I am 35, married and expecting my 1st baby btw.

I'm not sure what to advise you as this is about a new stage in your relationship with your mum and it will take a bit of time to work itself out (and it will, I promise). She may be struggling to "let go" of you and need time to adjust. All you can do is keep an adult head on and perhaps consider that you don't need to share everything with her now.

This has turned into a bit of an essay! I hope that some of it resonates with you and wish you well.

Thank you for all your help and ideas. Just wanted to comment on this 'TBH you are mentioning his job and status rather a lot. Are you absolutely sure a part of you is not judging him too? Protesting too much?'

Definitely not. I just know exactly how my mum's mind works.

what I dont undersstand is people who feel they have a need or right to share a bed in their parent's house? I dont get it?

of course I now share a room when we are both invited to stay, but never felt the need to do it out of principle when we were younger

there was no practical need for it (like their is now) so I never did it - so I dont understand why anyone would want to especially if it upsets people, its as if some see it as a right of passage or something?

I don't see why one has the right to share a bed if parents (ie owners of the house) aren't comfortable.

Rite of passage...right of passage is when you've agreed to bumsex if he does the washing up

You are very, very bad BofF. On this poster's thread

Bitoffun! I am shocked and appalled!

Thanks for the advice everyone. I'm going now before the tone gets lowered any further!