To not explain my situation everytime i go to toddler group or meet a new friend

[BigFunUnderTheSun]

In all honesty i do wonder if i am being unreasonable but the situation is complicated to explain. There is kind of two "AIBUs?" here.

My DH and I have 1 DD together who is 5.
We split up for a few months when she was little and the woman he was seeing got pregnant.

DH and I were already back together before her DS was born and DS has lived with us since he was 2 months old - his birth mother's choice. his birth mum has not seen him since and now lives abroad. DS is 3 now and we don't ever hear from her - nothing even at christmas or his birthday

He has always called me mummy although we have told him he has a "tummy mummy" who gave birth to him. He has her picture though he rarely looks at it and doesn't ever talk about her.

My two questions are:

1. AIBU to let him call me mummy and not discourage him?

1. AIBU to not tell mums i meet at groups etc that he is not mine by birth?

YANBU at all. In fact you sound very very very reasonable and kind - you have embraced bringing up your son and your DH and DS will always love you for it.

My DS1 is not DP's biological son but he treats him the same as DS2 who is. DS1 does see his biological dad but he is still immensely proud to have DP as his 'home' dad as he calls it. Children are really good at letting their carers know what they do and don't want to do/say - your DS wants to call you mummy and you certainly have a right to let him.

IS this a rare aibu - everyone agrees that OP is BU but that is a nice outcome!

Nest of vipers? Its like being cushioned in marshmallow and stroked with the soft inside bits of bunny rabbit ears...

What a superb simile, Kewcumber

lovely Kew, but I think we are agreeing that she is NBU, i.e. that she is right not to tell people. Aren't we?

thanks again for all the lovely things you have all said. Have cried more than few tears today

I am going to discuss with DH tonight about the legalities etc as if anything were to happen to him not sure what the legal position is for me!

I would need his birth mother's concent to adopt him / become his legal guardian wouldn't I?
Does anyone know what the procedure is if she is uncontactable?

Is being his legal guardian different from actually adopting him?

I dont know but there must be a case for abandonment i.e. she hasnt been around for so long and doesnt get in contact etc. invalidating her claim to him.

yes you can apply to waive birth parent consent on the grounds that a) they cannot be found and b) it is in the best interests of the child.

But you would have to show you have tried to find her and include that evidence.

Aw, bigfun, thank you for starting such a warm and cuddly thread. You don't need anyone else to say 'of course you are his Mummy' but I shall, anyway, just for emphasis.

Sounds like you are doing everything just fine, sweetie, doubt I would have had the courage to follow the same path.

Do hope you manage to adopt your gorgeous ds so you can stop worrying about the biological mother in legal terms.

You sound lovely BigFun.

He is very lucky.

Thanks ladies. I am off home now to pick up my DS and my DD and give them lots of hugs

Thank-you to everyone who said some lovely things to me yesterday Dh and I discussed things last night are we are going to look into making me on of his guardians and possibly in the future adoption etc etc. Am clueless about it all right now though but atleast we are going to try and get things moving. Thanks again

What a lovely thread.

YANBU

YANBU

YOu're pretty fab though- lucky ds to have ytou

FIL and MIL were both abandoned by their birth mothers; FIL totally indeed as his genetic father ptobably doesn't even know he exists

FIL was taken imnto awarm caring fa,ily andraised there and honestly, they are hisfamily in every way, as you are Mummy to this little lad.

MIL was raised by a aprent who didnt want her after time in carere and has had a shocking time