To not explain my situation everytime i go to toddler group or meet a new friend

[BigFunUnderTheSun]

In all honesty i do wonder if i am being unreasonable but the situation is complicated to explain. There is kind of two "AIBUs?" here.

My DH and I have 1 DD together who is 5.
We split up for a few months when she was little and the woman he was seeing got pregnant.

DH and I were already back together before her DS was born and DS has lived with us since he was 2 months old - his birth mother's choice. his birth mum has not seen him since and now lives abroad. DS is 3 now and we don't ever hear from her - nothing even at christmas or his birthday

He has always called me mummy although we have told him he has a "tummy mummy" who gave birth to him. He has her picture though he rarely looks at it and doesn't ever talk about her.

My two questions are:

1. AIBU to let him call me mummy and not discourage him?

1. AIBU to not tell mums i meet at groups etc that he is not mine by birth?

YANBU on either count.

More than that though, I just want to say that I think you are a bloody brilliat, marvellous woman. It sounds like you are a lovely, lovely family.

YANBu - FWIW i think you do count as his mother. If people asked "are they both yours" i would say "yes". If someone adopted a baby they would still view the baby as theirs and the baby would call the adopting mother 'mummy'. You have raised this boy since he was 2 months and are the only mother figure he has. If people ask then yes he is yours. I doubt people would delve much further and you certainly don't need to explain it to anyone if you don't want to.

By the way you sound like an amazing and caring woman and i am glad that you worked things our with your DH.

QunintessentialShadow is spot-on. For all intents and purposes, you ARE his mum.

You have all put a big smile on my face reading through your replies. Thank-you

My Dad is the one who brought me up, not the one who engendered me! I'm sure the same is true of you and your little boy. If you are raising him, you are his mummy. I really wouldn't bother telling other people unless you want to. I don't bother telling people I'm "half adopted" (mum remarried when I was 1 - never met my "biological" dad). I had two parents who raised me and they are my mum and dad, no question about it!

Chillimoose I cannot possibly be spot on when I can come out with such mumbo jumbo such as this:

" You are raising him as your son, and he is your sisters brother. "

Sorry, of course I meant to say that he is your daughters brother.

You don't have to explain anything but I can see why people may be confused. If you have 2 children 2 months apart in age they will wonder how that is possible and be curious. Its up to you how much explaining you want to do though. You're quite within your rights to simply say that they're not twins if anyone asks and leave them wondering.

YANBU at all for him to call you mummy. You are his mummy and I really wouldn't worry about what would happen if his birth mother came back. Courts are very likely to let you and your dh keep custody. I can't imagine they would want to unsettle him - you're all he's known!

yanbu - I had a thought along these lines yesterday when I went to my first Mother and baby group. We all had to introduce ourselves and our babies and say what type of birth we had. It struck me what about people who adopt? I'm sure they wouldn't be made to feel unwelcome at the group, but the assumption was everyone had given birth, what about new mums who have adopted?

You shouldnt have to feel the need to explain to anyone your circumstances, as other posters have said you are his Mummy, you shouldn't feel guilty especially as you have explained to him about his birth mum and she hasn't made an effort to contact him. he needs the security of knowing you will be there for him. Seeing about adopting him yourself may be a good idea.

Enjoy being called Mummy and tell all the nosey parkers to mind there own business

Why shouldn't he call you mummy? You are the only mummy he really knows after all.
Other people can mind their own business re the other part of it. To all intents and purposes, he is your child now, by care if nothing else.

Although you shoudl try and resolve the issue legally if possible; get a residential order or whatever it is and become his legal guardian/adoptive parent.

My sister has a similar situation - her eldest DD is not hers by birth; but she has been her mummy since the child was 7mo, when her birth mum walked out on her. She doesn't differentiate, DD1 calls her mummy, my sis doesn't feel the need to tell people who don't already know that she is not her own etc.
The birth mum has signed something giving up rights to this little girl, and my sis will eventually adopt her properly, but to all intents and purposes, she is her mum.

StripeyKnickersSpottySocks - they are 2 years apart so no worry of them looking like twins! They do look very similar but DS has only just turned 3 is mush shorter than DD !

I think you must have an extremely warm and huge heart to have worked through what must have been an awful time and to come out loving a little boy like your own.

I also don't think you need to explain anything to anyone at toddler group.

And I really really think you need to look into formally adopting your DS. If anything were to happen to your DH it could get really horrible to sort out especially if you can't find his birth mother.

oh blimey - what a blubby thread. am welling up here. ditto what everyone else has said - you're doing a brilliant job, making a fabulous family for all 4 of you. amazing. and not, for one second, remotely unreasonable.

I agree with everything everyone else has said. YANBU. You are his mum.

The only times I can think of where it might be relevant to explain the background is if you are talking to a health professional and family history is relevant, or if you need to get your DH to sign a form because you haven't yet sorted out the legal situation (and even then, I'd just say you'll take it home and return it in most cases). Other than that, no-one's business but your own, DH's and DS's.

He's a lucky little boy to have a Mummy who loves him so much

Never worry about calling yourself his mum. You are his mum!

My friend with an adopted child used to tickle and tease her saying "you popped out of the wrong hole, you silly little sausage, but your're mine all mine"

Sorry - I thought they were 2 months apart, hence why I could see why strangers would be a bit confused. Say nothing then, its nobody's business.

You are his mummy so why confuse him by not having him call you such, and why do you feel the need to justifie your relationship with your son?

As his birth mother shows so little interest in him I would "forget" about her

I can't wait to pick DS up now and give him a big hug with all this talk of him! He's my baby boy and i want to cuddle him

Am having a surreptitious blub at my desk while reading this thread Do give him a big hug when you see him, BigFun.

At the risk of introducing a bit of shadow, I do agree with Morloth's point about it being worthwhile looking into making formal arrangements just in case anything were to happen to your DH.

Enjoy your family and explain as much or as little as you want to

The biggest thrill I have ever had in my life was when I was able to say for the first tiem "yes he is my son". That he has another mother somewhere out there in the world at that moment was irrelevant. DOn;t spoil the small pleasures with unnecessary analysis.

There is a place for analysis in adoptive relationships. I am acutely aware that I'm not only raising DS as my son but in some small way I am also raising him to be her son too, in trust if you like and even if he may never be able to meet her.

It is the greatest priviledge to be allowed to raise anotehr womans child and it places (in my personal view) an added responsibility on you to try hard to get it right. However not for a second does any of that mean that I don;t feel 100% his mummy, the person he instinctively reaches for when hurt, the one who reads him bedtime stories and cuts his fingernails and admires his scribbles writing.

It worries me that you don't seem to feel able to embrace being his mother in public without the doubts setting in. Looking at it another way - doesn't he deserve a mummy like you, with any question or qualification?

without any question or qualification?

I am occasionally asked "is he your's?" - as you'll see we look very very differnt! My answer is always "yes".

If anyone says "you don;t look much alike" - I always look puzzled and say "don't you think so?".

The most amusing occsaions are when people then say - "well now you come to mention it I can see a resemblance"!!!

Bigfun I dont think you need any more reassurances - you have them already. But just to get my pennies worth too - you are him mummy - of course you are

My mother took off when I was very young (not as young as your DS - I was about 2) and I've had rare contact with her since. She's pretty rubbish at it. Yet she finds it upsetting that I call her by her first name. I cannot understand why - she hasnt earned the right to be called mum (mom actually - she's American now!).

When I talk about my 'mum' to people I mean my stepmum (although I call her by her first name too - but then she didnt become my stepmum till I was 10) She's the one thats been there for a quarter of a century looking out for me, doing everything she could to care for me even during my godawful stroppy teenage years. My DS is her grandson - my birth mother lost interest in him once she'd visited (just the once) and hasnt earned that right either.

You've earned your right to be his mum - you are his mum. It would be wonderful for you to have this as a legal confirmation but it doesnt change the fact that you are his mummy

Please give your lovely son a hug from us too