To not explain my situation everytime i go to toddler group or meet a new friend

[BigFunUnderTheSun]

In all honesty i do wonder if i am being unreasonable but the situation is complicated to explain. There is kind of two "AIBUs?" here.

My DH and I have 1 DD together who is 5.
We split up for a few months when she was little and the woman he was seeing got pregnant.

DH and I were already back together before her DS was born and DS has lived with us since he was 2 months old - his birth mother's choice. his birth mum has not seen him since and now lives abroad. DS is 3 now and we don't ever hear from her - nothing even at christmas or his birthday

He has always called me mummy although we have told him he has a "tummy mummy" who gave birth to him. He has her picture though he rarely looks at it and doesn't ever talk about her.

My two questions are:

1. AIBU to let him call me mummy and not discourage him?

1. AIBU to not tell mums i meet at groups etc that he is not mine by birth?

He is 3, his sister is 5.

I think.

YANBU on either count.

I also think you are a very courageous, warm and understanding woman for taking on this other woman's child and making him your own in the circumstances you have described.

You can be justly be proud of that.

I don't tihnk they will be mistaken for twins with a two year age gap!

No, you are not being unreasonable on either count. What a lucky little boy to have such a loving adoptive mother. I hope the official adoption works out for you all as you sound like a lovely family.

ahah, i've totally misread that, i thought it said dh and i were back together before dd was born.

if there's an age gap of two years then i can't think for the life of me why you'd bother explaining, except that you clearly have some misgivings about your status as his mummy.

i think youre doing a great job, personally. he's hugely lucky to have you, by the sounds of things.

I don't think yabu - and for me it would be a strain to always be holding back from 'claiming' him as your son when you are doing for him what any mother does for their child.

He is your son! If she did come back and wanted to take him surely you wouldn't just hand him over - not least because it would be horribly distressing for him.

Haven't read all the thread but investigating adopting him seems like the most sensible route as you can relax and really start to feel he is your son and won't be whisked away from you. You are his mother in everything but this legal aspect.

sorry to confuse you AitchTwoOh

thank you for all the lovely comments saying i am his mummy. I do feel like his mummy and treat him as my DS but sometimes don't feel i have the right to feel this way.

Thanks though everyone for putting a smile on my face

I totally agree with everyone else you are not being unreasonable, i think what you have done and continue to do is a very brave and courageous thin, I admire you for it. i have an older daughter who hasn't seen her father since he left town when she was eight weeks old, i got married when she was six and now have another dd and pg with No.3 and although it is pretty obvious that they are from different fathers with the age gap we don't make a big thing of it or go round explaining it to people. she someimes calls him dad and sometimes by his name, we've left it up to her really i think now she's hitting teens she's more curious about her father but knows that my DH is more of a dad than he will ever be.

You love your DS very much, don't you? I think that is wonderful. Please, please find out about making him legally yours

YANBU on both counts.

Also I just want to add - if you discouraged him from calling you Mummy he might interpret that as you not wanting him. I know you are not doing that, but I just wanted to put forward how it would likely come across to a small child. You are the only Mother he has and he needs to feel you love and want him just as you would a child you had given birth to in order for him to grow up secure in himself.

I think you are doing a wonderful thing, it sounds like you love your family very much. Dont explain to anyone you dont want to. If I had an adopted child I wouldnt add a clause each time I "owned" them. But sometimes I think we need permission to go ahead with these things.

I also think you need to legally adopt him. I doubt his birth mother would try to get him back but you never know, and why invite that trauma into his little life. It would hurt him immensely I should think to be taken from his Mother - YOU!

I would try to embrace being his mummy and "allow" yourself to be.

If you wobble over it, it may cause him some insecurity later on - he needs to know that you are, will always be, and will always want to be, his mummy. No matter who gave birth to him.

I think you are amazing, by the way.

Certainly there is no need to tell everyone everything: as long as you and your family know and it's not hidden from your DS then there is no problem. ANd I agree with those who say you should look into formal adoption of your DS. He is yours, you're his mum.

At the risk of being a bit naff, this is a poem my mother once sent to me (I don't know the original author) - I am adopted.

"Not flesh of my flesh
Nor bone of my bone
But still miraculously my own
Never forget for a single minute
You didn't grow under my heart
But in it."

aw bloody hell, sgb, i'm not strong enough to read that on a wednesday morning without blubbing.

bigfun, you didn't confuse me, i confused myself. glad you're feeling a bit better.

As the others have said - you are his mum, what else is he going to call you?

My stepson calls me 'mum' and he doesn't live with us. he always called me Nancy and then when he was about 4 he started calling me 'mum' and I didn't stop him.

Love the poem solid gold brass. have just had a little cry afetr reading that, is so pretty and very true

I agree with the others about the checking out about adoption.

Not only are you his mummy (and please make no mistake, you totally and utterly are) but you're a fabulous and loving one to boot!

And to answer your original question, I'd feel no urge to enlighten people as to the ins and outs of his birth. Do people who've adopted say so each time? Or people who've used surrogates? Nope!

sgb you'll have all of us crying!

BigFun I wonder if part of the issue now is that you have in the past felt the need to "explain" things to various people at toddler groups etc, and some people do tend to gossip...

It may be that if you are still at the same groups etc, that newer acquaintances will be aware through general chit chat that technically your ds and dd have different mummies. So even if you now decide that you won't talk about it so much, you may find pushy people being nosey and trying to bring it up.

Sometimes in these circumstances you have to be tough and smile in a friendly way and also (possibly) work out a fairly friendly way of saying "mind your own business" if people are too pushy.

YANBU at all.

I agree with all the others, but mostly wanted to say what a lovely woman you sound. In what must have been very difficult circumstances you've taken him into your family and love him like your own - I say well done you.

YANBU in answer to both your questions. You are without a doubt his mummy, and have every right to refer to yourself as such.

You dont have to explain to other people as it's none of their business

My DS was 4 when i got with DP we went on to have 2 DD's, DS started calling DP daddy after about 4months when i fell pregnant with DD1 he's 9 now and everyone apart from family and close friends think that DS is DP's son and we never correct them or explain ourselves because as far as we're concerned DP is DS's daddy he's the only man in DS's life (DS has only met his real father once last year and decided he didnt want to see him again)

An elderly lady on a bus once told DP that DS was a gorgeous well behaved lad who looked the spit of him, DP just smiled and said thank you

You dont have to explain anything.

You are raising him as your son, and he is your sisters brother.

You ARE his mum. You just dont gave birth to him. But you dont have to explain that!