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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I probably am but baby number 2 isnt going to happen because dp is too selfish

55 replies

weeonion · 12/06/2009 23:05

i have posted on this before but 2 years down the line - it still isnt resolved and it is eating me up.

we have dd - over 2yrs now. prior to her birth - we both agreed on one and one only. my mind changed but dp's didnt. i really want another baby for a whole raft of reasons and i am struggling to come to terms with this.
dp adores dd and is great with her but of late - he admits jealousy that she always comes to me for comfort etc.
anytime i have tried to broach the subject of baby number 2 - he doesnt want to talk about it saying that it is my problem to deal with, there is no discussion to be had and it is up to me to find the ways to deal with how i feel.

for me - this is starting to build into something for me and resentment is creeping in - more because he refuses to talk about it. It feels disloyal to talk to anyone else about it but i am worried this will be something that i never come to terms with.

OP posts:
FluffyBunnyGoneBad · 12/06/2009 23:13

A baby needs to be planned and wanted by both partners as there is a big risk of resentment otherwise. If you both want different things then you have to decide whether you can live like this or whether it's time to find someone else who wants the same thing as you. It's time to have a big think, you only have one life and it's too short to spend thinking 'what if'. If this isn't for you then be honest with him so you can both move on.

geordieminx · 12/06/2009 23:18

Do you want another baby more than you want to be with dp?

Its one of those situations where there is no compromise, and unfortunately he is probably "going to get his way" for want of a better phrase, which means that if, after 2 years still feel like this means that you are going to resent him a lot...

email me.

drlove8 · 12/06/2009 23:20

im thinking your dp is refusing to talk about it because he's afraid he'll be talked round into having another DC.You should not feel disloyal talking to your family or friends about this, they may be able to help you deal with this.But tbh your dp sounds like he's a bit of a selfish pig, he's dismising your feelings as if theyre unimportant.thats quite unplesant, and a bit of a indicator of a control freak....

scottishmummy · 12/06/2009 23:21

weeO a baby inst an elastoplast over deeper prolems.existing prolems wont go on arrival off new baby.infact might fester

baby is collabarative agreed loved as much as you ache you both must agree.perhaps explore what your issues are

his reluctance
your yearning

trixymalixy · 12/06/2009 23:22

Hi WO, long time no see!
Have missed you on MN.

This is a difficult one, but agree with Geordie. Does he realise how much it means to you?

thumbwitch · 12/06/2009 23:26

for you weeonion (did you ever find those photos of the rainbow-coloured wedding guests, btw? that was you, wasn't it?)

A friend of mine had similar with her DC3 - but her DH wasn't as dogmatically against it as your DP seems to be; he thought they couldn't afford a 3rd and because they already had one of each wasn't keen on a 3rd because it might upset the balance - but he was talked round and is very happy to have 3 DC now.

HOWever - your DP doesn't sound at all accommodating or as though there is any room for compromise. Have you asked him what he would do if you accidentally fell pg? Would he leave? Would he want you to terminate? Or would he come to terms with it and deal with it? OR does he absolutely refuse to answer the question?

blueshoes · 12/06/2009 23:38

weeonion, why is your dp selfish? Because he won't be talked round into having baby no.2 against an original agreement that you both made, or because of some other incidents which demonstrated selfishness.

I cannot really see what compromise can be made. You both either have a second baby or not. I can understand your resentment, but the fact is, you moved the goalposts.

Original poster
weeonion · 12/06/2009 23:42

Hi gm & trixy - how you doing?
thumbwitch - will track thos pics down

i want his baby, i want a sibling for dd, i want a bigger family but most of all i want him to want it too.
As he hasnt given me any real reasons for it apart from worrying that it would change our family dynamic (hmm.. of course it would!)

i absolutely agree that there is no way we could have another baby until we resolved other issues first and in no way would i ever have a convenient "accident".

I do love him very much, couldnt imagine life without him and a seperation isnt on the cards but i can't reconcile myself to his refusal to even talk about it. if we did - then i could possibly understand his reluctance.

ta folks - just wanted to offload a bit. x

OP posts:
Original poster
weeonion · 12/06/2009 23:47

blueshoes - i think dp is selfish because he wont talk about it and thinks it is my problem and i have to find my own way to deal with how i feel. i agree that i changed my mind but to be honest - i thought only one was what i wanted before i even had our dd. i never imagined how i would strongly i would feel about being a mother and how my attitudes towards our own wee family would change. i agreed on those goalposts based on our situation at that time - not on our present.

OP posts:
geordieminx · 12/06/2009 23:49

you need to pick a time where you can discuss it, perhaps at a neutral venue, tell him 'on xxx day at xx time we are going to sit down and discuss our family' give him a few days notice so that he can 'prepare' his side.

Whilst you certainly cant force him to have another baby, he does owe it to you to discuss it. Tell him everything you've said here, dont take no for answer-you must talk about it, and be honest with each other.

blueshoes · 12/06/2009 23:51

But weeonion, I know what you are saying, and I am trying not to sound harsh because it is a very difficult situation. You are changing goalposts based on your changed feelings, feelings he does not share post-baby. To him, nothing has changed.

Let's say he does have a chat with you, as he should at least, and worst case scenario, still does not change his position, how would you feel then? Better or worse.

scottishmummy · 12/06/2009 23:54

so cant you comprehend whilst you may have shifted opinion he hasnt

who will be wage earner?
you?him?both?
you cant discount his opinion because you changed your mind
being a couple is about these tough decisions
you have reneged on an agreement too

ignore any advice to "forget" your contraception

elkiedee · 12/06/2009 23:55

No, I don't think you're being unreasonable, I think the question of how many kids to have is really hard. It is selfish of him to not even talk about it.

Original poster
weeonion · 12/06/2009 23:57

in all honesty - i think i could at least start to come to terms with it if I knew more fully where he was coming from.
i know we need to talk but when i have told him this, he still sticks to the "you changed, i didnt" stance and that is the conversation over as far as he is concerned.

guess i will have to get the calendar and book the time / place and let him know that i cant move on without the both of us being open about where we both are at with it now.

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 12/06/2009 23:59

I agree with weeonion that his selfishness is in refusing to at least discuss her change of heart - why? It's very inconsiderate of him. Even if he hasn't changed his perspective, at the very least he could give her a hearing, not cut her off and refuse to listen.

scottishmummy · 13/06/2009 00:07

hang on,might not like the message but have to hear it,no woman has right to procreate irrespective of what partner wants

Original poster
weeonion · 13/06/2009 00:09

I am the main breadwinner and when we last had mat leave - I still paid my full share of the bills etc with my savings. this would be the same if there was another baby. i pay all childcare costs (3 days / wk nursery) as his work gives him his 2 days off midweek to be with her and this could continue if there was another wee one. of course it would affect us financially in other ways but tbh - more so for me than him.

Things have changed for me but then - in a relationship - surely that can and does happen? i would never want to get into a situation with him of listing all the other agreements that we have had that altered over time depending on changed situations.

i do accept that he has a different opinion, is entitled to that and fully acknowledge that my new position differs from his.

we have come through tough decisions in the past and came to compromises but this feels different - itis such a fundamental issue for not only us but for our dd as well

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 13/06/2009 00:20

with such deep set inconsistent wishes now isn't time to have a baby

you are a family a couple you need to have a hard dialogue.only you know how that is likely to go

what has changed that 1 isnt enough for you WO
can you live with his view
what is the compromise

blueshoes · 13/06/2009 00:20

From what you describe, financials are not in issue. What was the original basis for agreeing to one child?

Was your pregnancy, birth or dd difficult? Are there underlying issues in your relationship?

I think the last (feel free not to answer) might be a tricky one for him, if that is in fact the case.

BTW, I can understand your frustration as to why your dp does not want to discuss this.

drlove8 · 13/06/2009 10:15

The reason i think he's selfish is because he's dismissive of OP's feelings, not because he doesnt want another child. Surely a decent man would talk to her about this and help her work through the issue, not leave her upset.I totally agree that having a child should be a joint effort, and not done sneakily, like ahem forgetting contraceptives.... thats just wrong.

fizzpops · 13/06/2009 10:31

Maybe he thinks that as you once thought the same as him, that one child and one only is great, that you will know what his reasons are.

I think it's unfair to call him controlling. Imagine if he had changed his mind and was badgering you to have another child when you didn't want one. You would be desperate for a way to get him to accept how lucky he is to have one lovely DD and leave it at that. Having a different opinion does not make someone controlling.

It is a sad situation and if it would help you to hear his reasons then tell him so. But I think you have to be prepared for the possibility that you only ever have one child unless you choose divorce. Sorry if that sounds harsh but those might be your only options.

It is unfair on both of you to keep hoping if there is no hope of him changing his mind.

trixymalixy · 13/06/2009 16:46

I'm fine thanks WO.

If he really refuses to talk about it, could you write him a letter giving your reasons for wanting another child?

ABetaDad · 13/06/2009 21:24

I agree with fizzpops because you both had an agreement. DP kept his end of the bargain and from what you said, it seems he is/has been good to DD and you.

You now want to have another child which is a very personal thing and not at all an unreasonable desire. However, DP does not want another which is also not an unreasonable desire - especially given your previous agreement.

It is one of those irreconcilable situations. Someone has to back down. You have asked and DP has said no.

From a personal point of view, having firmly agreed to stop at 2 children with DW I would have been very reluctant to then be persuaded of having a third. I have to admit though if DW had felt extremely unhappy and it threatened to destroy our marriage I would have caved in but it would have had to have been a crisis of that proportion to change my mind.

It is a tough situation and no easy answers.

Judy1234 · 13/06/2009 22:09

You're the one in the wrong for wanting to change the agreement.

The solution is to get pregnant by accident as probably 30% of women do.

stoppinattwo · 13/06/2009 22:23

ditto xenia

oops

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