I probably am but baby number 2 isnt going to happen because dp is too selfish

[weeonion]

i have posted on this before but 2 years down the line - it still isnt resolved and it is eating me up.

we have dd - over 2yrs now. prior to her birth - we both agreed on one and one only. my mind changed but dp's didnt. i really want another baby for a whole raft of reasons and i am struggling to come to terms with this.
dp adores dd and is great with her but of late - he admits jealousy that she always comes to me for comfort etc.
anytime i have tried to broach the subject of baby number 2 - he doesnt want to talk about it saying that it is my problem to deal with, there is no discussion to be had and it is up to me to find the ways to deal with how i feel.

for me - this is starting to build into something for me and resentment is creeping in - more because he refuses to talk about it. It feels disloyal to talk to anyone else about it but i am worried this will be something that i never come to terms with.

[trixymalixy]

WO I hope it works out for you.

If you fancy meeting up for a coffee sometime let me know.The latest Glasgow meet up thread is here

[piprabbit]

Also, remember when talking that your original agreement was made when there were only the two of you to consider, thinking about what was right for you as a couple. I really don't think it is unreasonable to want to review that agreement now that there are three of you in the family. How does your agreement to have one child impact on your DD? what is right for her? Don't forget that her life will be hugely affected by your decision to leave her a single child or give her a sibling. I can't say what is right for your family - but I certainly think that you are being reasonable to want to discuss these questions.

[weeonion]

hello folks. i havent been on in a few days as was away and had no internet.

thanks to all who have posted - i wasnt expecting that. with a couple of days away and then coming back to read it again - it was a bit uncomfortable to read. my original title doesnt really reflect what i was meaning - in that i thought he was selfish for not talking about it and actually supporting me if number 2 was never going to be on the cards.

having said that - some of your responses have made me think about things more from his viewpoint and yep - there is selfishness on my behalf. i still do think that focusing on an agreement which we made in a completely time is a bit of a smokescreen and so we have to look at the other reasons. if that then boils down to a genuine "i simply dont want to", then i have to accept it and get on with it as the 3 of us.

i love him dearly and could not think of my life without him. things would have to downward spiral pretty far pretty quickly for me to even really think about that happening to our wee one. our lives are not perfect and external things like work do have an impact at times. A new baby would add to that and i can of course see how he wouldnt want that. i hadnt factored in that enough when i interpretated his response.
BlueShoes's suggestion had some resonance - so i have to make it clear to him that not wanting kids - he isnt risking my walking out with our dd. I'm going to write him a letter, telling him how strongly i feel on this. But, like many of you said, i have to watch the tone so he doesnt feel attacked, pressurized or backed into a corner.

anyhow - that's my rambling catch-up. off for a cuppa and early night. x

[blueshoes]

Weeonion's dp does not want to discuss it, not because he is selfish, but because he knows the outcome of that discussion, if he does not give in, is that weeonion could walk out.

He is not selfish, he is scared to lose weeonion and possibly his dd.

[nooka]

I wonder whether perhaps there have been discussions though? Maybe the OP's dh feels he has said all there is to be said about it? It could be that he feels further conversations are pointless (and possibly painful or destructive), because the OP may have many reasons to want another child, but he just doesn't want to. I'm not sure that any of us are that rational about the wish to have/not have children when it comes down to it, and some of the reasons (well many of them to be honest) are selfish, and some are probably quite trivial too. Maybe he feels that the one child is all they will have together and that the OP does need to come to terms with that? That may just be how it is. Children need to be wanted by both parents, so that means that if one isn't keen, it is an effective veto really. I suspect that if I said to my dh that I wanted another baby he would be horrified, and really would not want to talk about the possibility, and to be honest I would feel the same (as he has had the snip it is fairly unlikely!).

[TheUnstrungHarp]

I agree, MrsT, that not wanting another doesn't make him selfish. What makes him selfish is refusing to talk about it, and saying it is his dp's problem to deal with.

[MrsTittleMouse]

No, I can completely understand that as you move through life that your attitudes to life change and you want different things. Which is why it is so difficult for weeonion, and why the situation is so sad. Maybe he'll change his mind too, in time, but maybe he won't, and it doesn't make him selfish.

[TheUnstrungHarp]

Jesus. I'm amazed at all this "you moved the goalposts" stuff. Do people really think that the whole process of living with someone and having children with them is as simple as signing a contract? Nobody can imagine what having a child is like before they have one, or how they will feel about that child being an only or having siblings. He may not be being selfish in not wanting more than one, but refusing to talk about it is pretty wretched behaviour in a partner.

OP I agree with others who have said you need to find a time and a place to discuss this properly with him. If he still refuses to talk about it, he needs to realise that this is going to affect your relationship really badly further down the line.

[supadoula]

WeeOnion, I completely understand your point of view and I can totally relate to you since I have the same problem with child number 3. Wanting a child with someone you love is such a deep yearning. You can't easily put it aside.

I have been struggling with this issue for about 2 years now and it has put a lot of strain on our relationship. I wish I could tell you of a happy ending but at the moment we are going through couple counselling and I also have one to one counselling.
Yes, it feels like being in a rut and it seems that for you as well the option of leaving is not an option.

I'm afraid I have no answer for now but I wish you and your DH well. Try and keep communicating as much as you can to keep anger and resentment at bay. Good luck!

[knockedgymnast]

Do you think that perhaps you are being selfish? I hope I don't sound rude but this seems to be all about you and nothing about his feelings. I can understand you wanting a sibling for your dc, but the fact still remains that you both decided that you would just have the one baby.

If you really do want anothe child, the only answer is to split up with him and find someone else to have another child with. I hope I don't sound flippant but that really is your only viable option. Not everyone wants just one child and not everyone wants more that one child.

Like someone mentioned earlier, you can't change the goalpost and then whinge when the other party doesn't budge.

Good luck. I hope one way or another it gets sorted

[Salme101]

I'm sorry, but I fail to see how just wanting one child is being 'bloody selfish'. Perhaps your DP feels that he can do a better job taking care of you and your DC by not taking on the additional commitment of a second child. I also think it is rather insulting to suggest, as a previous poster did, that your DP is 'keeping his options open' and is somehow less 'tied' to you if you don't have a second child. Why should he have to justify his wishes now?

[Morloth]

But when you say "discuss it" what do you mean? DH didn't want another child and when we "discussed it" he said he just didn't, no real rational reasons, he just didn't to be honest I couldn't give him any reason for my change of heart than "I just do". He then changed his mind the bugger and now we are TTC - likes to keep me guessing.

However, "I just don't" was the whole conversation for him. He wasn't being difficult or unloving, he just didn't have any other reason than not wanting to, which is a 100% valid reason IMO.

Maybe it is the same with your DH, there isn't any more to the story, he just doesn't want to.

If he will not talk about it further than that then you have to decide what is more important to you, your current relationship or more children.

There is no compromise to be had.

[thumbwitch]

MQ - according to the OP it has been 2 years - it's not a recent issue. Although I do see your point that he might not be able to articulate reasons other than just "I don't" - but don't you think that calling it "her problem that she has to learn to deal with" is a bit selfish? Cos I do. Not at all supportive.

[islandlassie]

I disagree with a lot that has been said.
You agreed to one. He is not being selfish. I undersatnd your feelings, but you made decisions and agreed to haev a baby with this guy. I know a lot of people may not agree with me but that should be it for you. Surely leaving him because of this isnt an option? I mean it wouldnt be best for the child you already have. He isnt doing anything wrong IMO. I think you now have a responsibility to your DC and him. I know that wont go down well but it is only my opinion.

[mayorquimby]

fwiw i do think they should have a discussion about it. but i don't think calling him selfish and railroading him into the discussion will help, it will have to come about when you both feel ready to discuss it.
if you don't think he will come round to the idea of discussing it and the frustration is their, then perhaps writing him a letter outlining your feelings and need to discuss it when he is ready, might help as he won't feel pressured into responding immediately, he might have time to gather his thoughts etc. and he won't feel as though you are having a daunting "right we're sitting down to debate wether or not we are having a child right now" discussion where he might fear he'll be pressured into conceding.
because in such a situation he might agree because he feels obliged to or out argued on the merits of having one/not having one only to change his mind later on (which he will point out he has every right to do) and this will lead to further distress for both of them.

[mayorquimby]

well i'd say it's obvious that he's scared of being persuaded. quite reasonably so as well. the OP is obviously going to be passionate and have a myriad of reasons for wanting another and is more than comfortable with the idea of discussing it. he seems uncomfortable with the discussion and his equally valid reasons will probably not extend beyond "i just don't want another child" which in my opinion is probably the best reason for not having another one, but if he is unable to articulate the millions of little factors which have attributed to him "just not wanting to" then his arguments will sound limp and self serving against the op's passionate yearning for another child.

[pinkdelight]

What is it with all this 'you broke your side of the bargain'? Of course the OP is allowed to change, especially with the huge internal changes that come with motherhood. Relationships aren't about making inflexible agreements that you have to stick by. They only flourishes if the partners grow and develop and accommodate each other's changes. It is clearly a cop-out for him to be harking back to an agreement made in what must seem like another world to the OP. He just doesn't want to deal with the issue and it is a big issue. Like a couple of other people, I can't help wondering if he fears being persuaded.

[rostbeef]

I think its interesting that he is so against it - does he have siblings? Does he get on with them? as I love my bro so would never want to deny my child a sibling. But maybe he has had a different experience of family life?
I think you need to discuss it at least - without you trying to change his mind - and if you need help doing that should go to see a counsellor.
It's not worth your relationship breaking down over.

[MrsTittleMouse]

He's not really selfish is he? I mean, he was always straight with you about wanting one child only. It doesn't take away the pain of brooding for another baby, and I'm sorry that you are feeling this pain, but this might be a case where there is no perfect solution.

[Stigaloid]

I have to say that 2 days off work mid week to look after your child is actually not days off. all-day child care is hard work and maybe the idea of having another one is too much for him. You don't stay at home during the week to do this - he does. At 2 they are getting a little easier and also a whole lot harder. Throw in another baby in the mix and it may be more than he wishes to handle. I am going to have DC2 in December and am already wondering how i will manage looking after DS1 and DC2. And i am doing it by choice and willing to take on the extra childcare. if he doesn't want another child and you do then then you need to decide whether you wish to stay with him or not. But you both had an original agreement and you changed your mind. I don't think he is being selfish. Sorry.

[katiestar]

I think YABU.Because somebody dioesn't want what you want doesn't make them selfish

[thumbwitch]

MALEKA, I think if weeonion's partner WOULD express his feelings etc. about it, then she would feel less frustrated about the whole situation.

He has every right to not want another child, but he IS being selfish by refusing to discuss it in the context of their family scenario being completely different now than it was before they had children. What harm can discussing it do? It shows a lack of care for weeonion's feelings/ thoughts/ happiness etc. that he has told her to just sort herself out and he doesn't want to talk about it.

[MALEKA]

I would say somewhere along the way your partner has kept his feelings hidden, through fear of upsetting you, causing an arguement or wanting to please you.

I went through a similar situation and convinced myself another child was right at the time.

As much as I was prepared to welcome a new addition to the familly, I could not help but feel the uncertainty.

Our baby was born and I expressed my concerns after my partner was pregnant as the relationship was already strained.

i think your partner is right to express his views upfront and to resolve it, he needs to feel totally at ease with child number 1. If he thinks child number 1 always turns to you, what is causing this to happen (work, arguements, distancing). If you solve this problem, child number 2 will not be an issue.

Partners need to feel as loved as a baby

[poshsinglemum]

I don't think you were in the wrong to break the agreement. I think the problem started when you both came to such a final agreement BEFORE having kids.
However, it's quite normal to change after having kids. I never thought about having a large family- before dd.
I still think he is being selfish. You clearly love him so give him time to consider. Don't put any pressure on him at all- in a few years he may get broody again. If not, mabe reconsider then.

[poshsinglemum]

I think that he's being really unfair not to discuss the options with you. He's not the only person in your relationship.
You have to decide if he is what you want.