I probably am but baby number 2 isnt going to happen because dp is too selfish

[weeonion]

i have posted on this before but 2 years down the line - it still isnt resolved and it is eating me up.

we have dd - over 2yrs now. prior to her birth - we both agreed on one and one only. my mind changed but dp's didnt. i really want another baby for a whole raft of reasons and i am struggling to come to terms with this.
dp adores dd and is great with her but of late - he admits jealousy that she always comes to me for comfort etc.
anytime i have tried to broach the subject of baby number 2 - he doesnt want to talk about it saying that it is my problem to deal with, there is no discussion to be had and it is up to me to find the ways to deal with how i feel.

for me - this is starting to build into something for me and resentment is creeping in - more because he refuses to talk about it. It feels disloyal to talk to anyone else about it but i am worried this will be something that i never come to terms with.

I wonder whether perhaps there have been discussions though? Maybe the OP's dh feels he has said all there is to be said about it? It could be that he feels further conversations are pointless (and possibly painful or destructive), because the OP may have many reasons to want another child, but he just doesn't want to. I'm not sure that any of us are that rational about the wish to have/not have children when it comes down to it, and some of the reasons (well many of them to be honest) are selfish, and some are probably quite trivial too. Maybe he feels that the one child is all they will have together and that the OP does need to come to terms with that? That may just be how it is. Children need to be wanted by both parents, so that means that if one isn't keen, it is an effective veto really. I suspect that if I said to my dh that I wanted another baby he would be horrified, and really would not want to talk about the possibility, and to be honest I would feel the same (as he has had the snip it is fairly unlikely!).

Weeonion's dp does not want to discuss it, not because he is selfish, but because he knows the outcome of that discussion, if he does not give in, is that weeonion could walk out.

He is not selfish, he is scared to lose weeonion and possibly his dd.

hello folks. i havent been on in a few days as was away and had no internet.

thanks to all who have posted - i wasnt expecting that. with a couple of days away and then coming back to read it again - it was a bit uncomfortable to read. my original title doesnt really reflect what i was meaning - in that i thought he was selfish for not talking about it and actually supporting me if number 2 was never going to be on the cards.

having said that - some of your responses have made me think about things more from his viewpoint and yep - there is selfishness on my behalf. i still do think that focusing on an agreement which we made in a completely time is a bit of a smokescreen and so we have to look at the other reasons. if that then boils down to a genuine "i simply dont want to", then i have to accept it and get on with it as the 3 of us.

i love him dearly and could not think of my life without him. things would have to downward spiral pretty far pretty quickly for me to even really think about that happening to our wee one. our lives are not perfect and external things like work do have an impact at times. A new baby would add to that and i can of course see how he wouldnt want that. i hadnt factored in that enough when i interpretated his response.
BlueShoes's suggestion had some resonance - so i have to make it clear to him that not wanting kids - he isnt risking my walking out with our dd. I'm going to write him a letter, telling him how strongly i feel on this. But, like many of you said, i have to watch the tone so he doesnt feel attacked, pressurized or backed into a corner.

anyhow - that's my rambling catch-up. off for a cuppa and early night. x

Also, remember when talking that your original agreement was made when there were only the two of you to consider, thinking about what was right for you as a couple. I really don't think it is unreasonable to want to review that agreement now that there are three of you in the family. How does your agreement to have one child impact on your DD? what is right for her? Don't forget that her life will be hugely affected by your decision to leave her a single child or give her a sibling. I can't say what is right for your family - but I certainly think that you are being reasonable to want to discuss these questions.

WO I hope it works out for you.

If you fancy meeting up for a coffee sometime let me know.The latest Glasgow meet up thread is here