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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to discourage this relationship? (adults)

25 replies

motherlovebone · 12/06/2009 00:05

my partners brother is staying with us (working holiday) he recently broke with a girl, has a girl in the pipeline, spends his free time talking to girls on skype, ogles most women in the steet and sat yesterday looking at bare breasted images on the net....he came for coffee with me and my good friend one morning and now has designs on her (she is a single mum, lovely, straight good person) she has expressed an interest in him.
would you happily match-make?
btw, they speak different languages and im also concerned about being a go-between.
AIBU to be hesitant in setting this up?

OP posts:
mummywilldrive · 12/06/2009 00:10

No YANBU don't do it.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 12/06/2009 00:14

YANBU - he sounds like an idiot.

Original poster
motherlovebone · 12/06/2009 05:55

thought i wasnt being unreasonable.
thing is, she isnt aware of this behaviour, though i have suggested he is very fond of women.
she replied that, they are both adults, she wouldnt blame me if anything went wrong etc.
i suppose i should tell her the fullness...
he was saying last night that sex to him is like breathing, like beer 'not with my friends' i thought.

fwiw, he is a fab uncle.

OP posts:
gingernutlover · 12/06/2009 06:18

YANBU I would tell her and then it's her decision, after all there comes a time when most people settle down so you never know.

I wouldn't go into lots of details eg the porn but would give her the general idea. To be fair lots of men probably do this and then meet a nice girl and stop.

Just trying to see it from both sides.

Was he like this even whilst he was with a woman?

skidoodle · 12/06/2009 06:35

No - tell her everything

She should know if she's about to go out with the sort of loser who spends all day looking at pictures of naked women. Yuck!

The idea that most men are misogynists who treat women like shit until they find the "right" one is really unfair on all the decent men.

It does explain a lot though in terms of what some women are prepared to accept and the changes they expect that are obviously never going to happen: if your ego becomes tied up in the idea of being "the one" that can make him behave, then continued shitty bahaviour is a reflection on you more than on him.

ToughDaddy · 12/06/2009 07:20

Is he 21 or 41?

ToughDaddy · 12/06/2009 07:22

I know a few guys who behaved like him when they were 21 and turned out not too bad in the end. But if he is 40 then he has problems. Perhaps he does need a girlfriend - not a serious remark by the way

Lulumama · 12/06/2009 07:26

let her discover for herself what he is really like.

maybe he does need the love of a good woman

or he is going to carry on ogling

i think most men do look at women to a degree

if they are both adults, i don't think yuo hsould interfere too much

yu could maybe tell her you are not sure he is h er type or something like that

they language issue might make things too difficult anyway

YANBU but there is a fine line between being a good friend and interfering

tread carefully

janesright · 12/06/2009 07:30

Nah tell her to stay away !!!!!!!1

Kimi · 12/06/2009 07:44

YANBU tell her he is a twat and keep her away from him.

JenniPenni · 12/06/2009 07:47

I'd tell her what he's like, she can make her own mind up if she wishes to pursue him...

Blondeshavemorefun · 12/06/2009 08:59

they are both adults

tell your friend what your bil is like and leave it to her

you never know, she may be the one to train calm him and settle down

Original poster
motherlovebone · 12/06/2009 11:26

toughdaddy he is 31!

old enough to know better

OP posts:
mayorquimby · 12/06/2009 11:31

as she says herself, they are both adults, who are you to decide what's best for another adult when she's expressed an interest?

poshsinglemum · 12/06/2009 11:31

yanbu- please tell her all. don't let her find out for herself- she will be heartboken.

Overmydeadbody · 12/06/2009 11:34

I don't get it.

He's a single man, doing nothing wrong. Don't all single men ogle women to a certian degree?

As long as he and your friend want the same thing then I don't see how it could be a problem?

Overmydeadbody · 12/06/2009 11:35

Maybe your friend just wants to shag him?

ChippingIn · 12/06/2009 11:39

A little confused at what the crime here is? He looks at a bit of porn and talks to women...? Not really the end of life as we know it, is it??

What in godsname is there to be heartbroken about?

Let them sort it out themselves and don't be a go between for long, they need to sort the language thing out.

AllFallDown · 12/06/2009 12:39

YABU ... it's not your business who your friend or your partner's brother are interested in. Are you more worried about the consequences for you if it goes wrong? When DW and I first got together, we had mutual friends telling us both it was a bad idea (for different "official" reasons, but it was really because they didn't want to deal with any potential fallout). Fourteen years later, two children, happy marriage ... .

skidoodle · 12/06/2009 13:10

It is her business because she introduced them. This is the reason meeting people through your social circle is such a successful way of meeting a good partner - because people you know can vouch for their character.

The op thinks this man is a cad. She can't stop her friend dating him, but she would not be a good friend if she did not make her reservations known.

It is sad that there are people who seem only able to judge behaviour by whether or not something is a crime.

Original poster
motherlovebone · 12/06/2009 13:39

also she is not a single woman, but a single mum...
she doesnt just want a shag, she wants a relationship, which he thought was funny.
i am worried of course regarding potential fallout...for everyone.
im meeting her next week, we arranged that i would bring him (obv didnt know half of this at the time) so im really in a position...
the general consensus seems to be to leave them to it then, though my intuition says dont.

OP posts:
GetOrfMoiLand · 12/06/2009 13:43

What Lulumama says (always the voice of sense on MN)

he doesn't sound horrific, tbh, and I think that your friend should be left to make her own adult decisions.

skidoodle · 12/06/2009 14:13

He sounds horrific to me.

OP tell her how he is. She is looking for something meaningful and he finds that funny but is still prepared to toy with her. You can't stop her doing something foolish, but at least make sure she goes into it with her eyes open.

ToughDaddy · 12/06/2009 22:08

This guys sounds (very) immature and a bit silly not to realise that he too much lads talk to his sister in law is inappropriate ?

I assume that he has been as well brought up as your DH and since you hint at redeeming features (like good uncle) I am guess that part of his problem is that he rarely gets women or certainly not enough.

Spring can also have that effect as you know.

Also strikes me that if you mention to your friend that he is immature (even sexist ?) then she will work it all out. Possible that she might only want a light relationship. If so, some women (or men) may be too self conscious to say "actually I am only interest in ruffling his hair" but don't want to grow old with him. She may think that you will think less of her if she was frank about that.

I wouldn't deny her the opportunity to have have the excitement of flirting with the possibility.

Original poster
motherlovebone · 13/06/2009 20:28

ok, ive told her everything, we are going to meet as a group and see what happens.
thanks everyone for input

OP posts:
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