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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be a little shocked at this invite? Well am I?

97 replies

JollyPirate · 11/06/2009 18:38

I am quite prepared for you all to call me an old fuddy duddy if I am out of step here but.....

My 14 year old niece received a party invite this week.

It went like this

"You are invited to attend ........'s 14th Birthday Party
on and at

Then the clincher for me

"All guests will be served ONE (1) alcoholic drink. If you have a problem with this please let me know".

BIL saw this and instantly hit the roof. He has said there is no way DN is attending. DN who was 14 a few weeks back has also hit the roof and a shouting match has taken place with my poor sster in the middle of it all. To be fair to my BIL they have had a few problems with DN recently - not least the theft of a huge amount of money from BIL's work safe which DN owned up to after she realized how much cash she had actually taken. DN says it was just temptation and she knows it was stupid - all money returned.

So I can quite understand my BIL in saying that she is not attending as he will only have her word that she hasn't had any alcohol.

I am utterly amazed that these parents are even offering alcohol (especially as Dad is a police officer ).

They are apparently doing so "to stop the kids bringing their own".

Am I being unreasonable in being utterly shocked? Or am I an old prude (am 43) whose world will come crashing down around her ears once DS reaches his teens.

OP posts:

Haribosmummy · 11/06/2009 20:07

Well said, Dizietsma

I think it's foolish in the extreme to assume it won't happen if you tell htem to drink cola!!

I'd much prefer my kids to know they can talk to me about whatever without me going off my rocker...

I also think telling them they aren't even alllowed one drink would be utterly hypocritical, given that I usually have a glass of wine each evening (when not PG) and so does their dad.

Miyazaki · 11/06/2009 20:13

No, would be ok with me.

TubOfLardWithInferiorRange · 11/06/2009 20:13

If I was hosting said party I would contact the parents of the children being invited prior to sending the invites.

ThePhantomPlopper · 11/06/2009 20:15

I drank at 14, my parents didn't allow it and I got grounded when I was found out, as did the rest of my friends.

Stormfly · 11/06/2009 20:17

I think I would be surprised too at the offer of alcohol at a 14th birthday party, although it sounds like a good approach for a 16th.

It's a nice thing to do at home or at family occasions - my dd (11) has a small glass of celebratory champagne at Christmas (and more brandy butter on her mince pies than you can shake a stick at ) but I would rather introduce alcohol to my dcs at my own rate, rather than someone else's.

I understand that some 14yr olds will already be drinking but others won't and I can imagine that the ones that don't want to/aren't allowed to might feel awkward or pressured. I just think it is a bit early to be assuming that they all drink, whereas by 16 it would seem more feasible.

As to whether she attends, and whether she drinks or not, that is just a matter of how you feel about it. It would be reasonable to do either.

sweetnitanitro · 11/06/2009 20:18

If it was a wine spritzer or weak pimms and lemonade or something like that and the kids were supervised by an adult that I knew and trusted then I wouldn't have a problem with it.

Haribosmummy · 11/06/2009 20:19

I wasn't allowed to drink at 14 either.

I wasn't allowed out, wasn't allowed to socialise basically.

I went totally off the rails first year at Uni and came pretty close to having to resit the entire first year.

It's going to happen. it can happen with a degree of control at 14-16 or it can happen at 18 when there is not a damn thing you (as the parent) can do about it because the child is an adult in the eyes of the law, but the child can't handle the responsibility and hasn't learned to be mature about things.

That's my take on it. I also think my parents (who did and do drink too much) were stupid to 'protect' me and my sister to such a bloody extent that we got to late teens / twenties without any sort of life experience.

ThePhantomPlopper · 11/06/2009 20:22

but what is the point? Sounds like the parents are trying to be cool and/or have buckled to the "but muuuuuuummm all my friends do it and their parents let them" bullplop.

screamingabdab · 11/06/2009 20:22

I agree with Stormfly. I think what concerns me is not that they are allowed to drink, but this approach is suggesting they SHOULD be drinking.

screamingabdab · 11/06/2009 20:25

Oh, and Muffintop makes a similar point.

Nighbynight · 11/06/2009 20:32

I wouldn't object to 1 drink for a 14 year old.

But half the children there will be 13, wont they?

Nighbynight · 11/06/2009 20:33

would also be a bit worried in case 1 drink (ok) turned into 3 or 4 (not ok)

katiestar · 11/06/2009 20:42

I don't undertand why they feel the need to serve alcohol at a kids party ? My Ds1 recently turned 14 and it would never have crossed my mind to serve alcohol.Never come across anything like this for 14 yr olds ?

plugsocket · 11/06/2009 20:46

Tis a chavvy parent thing most definitely.

OrangeFish · 11/06/2009 20:49

I think that considering the context (we are in Britain), it is not reasonable to offer drinks to 14 years old whose parents don't expect to see them drinking for a good few years more.

Having said that, I'm not so sure that this no-booze-until- you-are-older restriction it is a good one. I spent some time living in Spain and although going out there means staying out partying until the early hours of the morning, I hardly saw any Spanish people drunk.

I believe that this may be due to the fact that drinks there are just drinks not a ceremonial substance part of a ritual of passage into adulthood. You share them with your family since your early teens which means the family is around to teach that child to drink responsibly. As there is no prohibition, getting drunk and boisterous when out with the friends it's not "cool" just stupid (...But stealing the best bottle of your father's cellar.... certainly seems to be... )

LadyOfWaffle · 11/06/2009 20:50

It might be they got a bottle or two of Bucks Fizz/Champagne or something and are just making sure it's OK with the parents that the kids are allowed it. I think the parents have been quite sensible... what more could they do? Any parent is free to say no.

wolfear · 11/06/2009 20:51

Ummm, YANBU. This is a little messed up. These kids are 14. Last time I checked it's not legal to drink at this age. Okay, so most kids probably do give it a go around this age, but parents (particularly policemen) shouldn't be providing it to other people's kids at parties.

janeite · 11/06/2009 20:51

The more I think about this, the more I think I'm really not sure why they'd do this for 14 year olds. I think a 14 year old having a drink in a family situation is different to a bunch of 14 year olds having a drink together.

I can see why the parents have done it but not why they've done it now, instead of next year or the year after.

I don't think they sound like 'chavvy' parents at all though and totally disagree with that statement. They sound more like 'Gruniad liberals' trying to be a bit cool and happening to me.

janeite · 11/06/2009 20:52

There are no laws about 14 year olds having a drink in a private home, as far as I know.

plugsocket · 11/06/2009 20:53

Nah it's definitely chavvy.

LadyOfWaffle · 11/06/2009 20:54

It's not legal to buy at 14. You can drink at 14.

One drink isn't going to turn a non drinker into a raging alcoholic. I had champagne for new years 1999 at a friends (13) and it was just a fun experience to celebrate the New Year and have a giggle over. Nothing sinister.

tassisssss · 11/06/2009 20:56

as someone has said if it's a 14th b'day party it's reasonable to assume half of them might still be 13.

i was under the impression it was illegal to supply alcohol to those who're underage, no?

LovelyTinOfSpam · 11/06/2009 20:59

I think this sounds like a nice idea actually, assuming it is a small glass of fizz and not a treble vodka.

Popping a cork and dishing it out is quite an exciting celebratory thing to do, and the girls will love it.

One won't do any harm. At least they're not out in the park getting battered on cheap cider. Not that I can imagine anyone doing that at 14, obviously.

muggglewump · 11/06/2009 21:00

I think it's highly unlikely to be chavvy (I hate that word) parents. When I was that age those parents were the ones buying us whatever we wanted from the offy, not the ones asking for other parents permission to give us one drink at a party.

shockers · 11/06/2009 21:15

The fact that they asked shows respect for other parents.

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