Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

to be a little shocked at this invite? Well am I?

97 replies

JollyPirate · 11/06/2009 18:38

I am quite prepared for you all to call me an old fuddy duddy if I am out of step here but.....

My 14 year old niece received a party invite this week.

It went like this

"You are invited to attend ........'s 14th Birthday Party
on and at

Then the clincher for me

"All guests will be served ONE (1) alcoholic drink. If you have a problem with this please let me know".

BIL saw this and instantly hit the roof. He has said there is no way DN is attending. DN who was 14 a few weeks back has also hit the roof and a shouting match has taken place with my poor sster in the middle of it all. To be fair to my BIL they have had a few problems with DN recently - not least the theft of a huge amount of money from BIL's work safe which DN owned up to after she realized how much cash she had actually taken. DN says it was just temptation and she knows it was stupid - all money returned.

So I can quite understand my BIL in saying that she is not attending as he will only have her word that she hasn't had any alcohol.

I am utterly amazed that these parents are even offering alcohol (especially as Dad is a police officer ).

They are apparently doing so "to stop the kids bringing their own".

Am I being unreasonable in being utterly shocked? Or am I an old prude (am 43) whose world will come crashing down around her ears once DS reaches his teens.

OP posts:

pooka · 11/06/2009 18:56

I wouldn't have a problem with a champagne toast for a 14 year old. My personal opinion though is that a relaxed approach to alcohol consumption can result in children less likely to binge as soon as they can buy their own.

My mother, when I was 16, would supply my alcohol if I was going to a party. i.e. a quarter bottle of vodka (which I tended not to finish). Was never a big deal, and meant that there wasn't the illicit temptation to overdo things before I was physically and mentally ready.

I actually rather like the idea of the invitation. And I didn't think that they were underage at 14 to drink alcohol - only to buy it, or even to sell it IYSWIM.

lou33 · 11/06/2009 18:57

as long as they can ensure it will only be one alcoholic drink, i wouldnt have an issue about it at that age

SecondhandRose · 11/06/2009 19:07

I would ask the parents what they mean by 'one alcohic drink' do they mean a fizzy toast that can be mixed with juice, presume we are not talking shorts?!

piscesmoon · 11/06/2009 19:09

I think that their parents are at least taking a responsible attitude.
I wouldn't serve it at all at that age, but I would bet their DC pressurised them and they have given in- with the provision that parents have to be told. It then gives them the option. It is much better than just going ahead-in which case the parents would probably never have known. It has passed the buck a bit, as your niece then has the argument.

Original poster

JollyPirate · 11/06/2009 19:10

Yep! Am definitely being unreasonable

OP posts:

GoodWitchGlinda · 11/06/2009 19:11

At first on reading, I thought 'alcohol + 14 yr old = no.

But actually, it isn't that big a deal as long as it is done sensibly (as others have said, champers yes, alcopops no). And I'm sure with a policeman there, it will be!

It is probably a nice gesture on the parents' part towards their DC - acknowledging that they are growing up, a special birthday party treat, like being allowed to go to the shops on your own for the first time. It is a nice idea actually, the kids will think it's wonderful and grown up and no harm will come (unless some naughties smuggle some in, and that can happen whether there is a glass of bubbly each or not).

SecondhandRose · 11/06/2009 19:12

No you're not, you are being a Mum and lots of parents don't seem to care anymore. You do what your heart tells you is right.

pinkstarfish · 11/06/2009 19:13

Tough call, I agree with janeite , I think if they were 16 years old, I really wouldn't mind it if it was in a controlled and supervised environment like it sounds like it is. 14 however, hmm i think it's a bit uncalled for maybe. Sure there's no problem with it, but why do it in the first place?

To me, it almost opens up a can of worms, maybe some of those 14 year olds don't want to drink or don't feel confident to have an alcoholic drink, and seeing their peers drink it could put unnecessary pressure on them to do the same.

bubblagirl · 11/06/2009 19:13

i think the honesty factor is great and communication amongst parents rather than children hiding drinks sneaking of and drinking stupidly

we drank from 13 and hid it from parents and now days sadly its got younger for smoking and drinking snidely children appear so much more grown up

if not happy then say so but i think 1 isn't going to hurt will teach that you can have 1 drink and still have a great time also gets rid of the excitement of hiding away and drinking brings maturity to it

lljkk · 11/06/2009 19:15

I would ask the parents how alcoholic, I suspect it's very weak.

bubblagirl · 11/06/2009 19:16

my mum would allow us to drink and from 14 i was honest and actually was more sensible as i was able to be honest with my mum i rarely drink now and although i do drink when i go out im sensible about it now sometimes

LyraSilvertongue · 11/06/2009 19:21

Presumably the one drink will be a glass of sparkling wine, not a double vodka. I'd be ok with it as long as the parents ensured that it really was just the one.

MuffinToptheMule · 11/06/2009 19:25

I went to sleepovers at this age, where alcohol was provided by the host's parents. There was always one alcoholic drink for each guest.
Instead of feeling grown up I actually felt quite pressurised as I felt that I had to drink the drink that I was provided with because it was given to me by my friend's parents. I also thought it was quite inappropriate as two of the girls at the sleepovers were Muslim.

Then end result of this situation was that a small minority drank the drinks of the other guest who did not want them. So instead of each person having one drink, a few people had 2 or 3.

Alcohol is not needed at this age.

piscesmoon · 11/06/2009 19:25

I would suggest that your BIL phones up and asks exactly what alcohol is being served. It could be just something like a very weak Pimms with lots of fruit-or a Bucks Fizz-to make them feel grown up. He won't know unless he asks.

Madmentalbint · 11/06/2009 19:29

Well, I don't think YABU but I have to say that I'd be happy if my DD brought that invitation home and I'd definitely let her go.

My DD(15) has been to two parties where alcohol has been readily available and the parents left the house for the evening! I was furious that my DD was invited to a party and left to drink alcohol unsupervised without my knowledge. Luckily she was sensible but it's not the point.

These parents seem to be taking their responsibility seriously by letting parents know that there will be alcohol, but that it will be limited and supervised, but only if the parents are happy with this.

Seems like a good compromise to me

TubOfLardWithInferiorRange · 11/06/2009 19:34

I don't find it shocking but a bit surprising that the subject would be brought up in this manner-in an invite-and not discussed first amongst parents. Maybe it was discussed and you just weren't involved and it's all quite sensible? In any case you have an opportunity to discuss it now-I agree with piscesmoon and would not have a problem with a celebratory toast of champagne.

OTOH, at least they are telling you. I remember when my dd was that age and invited to a party where she knew alcohol would be served by the parents and I had no way of knowing other than she didn't want to go/didn't go because of it.

DeepGoat · 11/06/2009 19:34

parents are fuckwits yanbu

ingles2 · 11/06/2009 19:37

nah, it's not necessary is it?
I would hope the vast majority of 14yr olds are not that fussed to have an alcohol drink, most don't like the taste and I'd be pretty horrified if the parents were buying alcopops to encourage them to have a drink...
Sound far too liberal to me...

Haribosmummy · 11/06/2009 19:40

I think it shows a degree of maturity and control.

AFAICS, if a parent DIDN'T want their child to be offered an alcoholic drink, the parents hosting the party could ensure that they weren't offered it.

FWIW, having a mature 14YO DSD (nearly 15YO) I can promise you they WILL bring their own OR they will find another way to do it if they feel they need to.

We've never had a problem with the girls having the ODD drink - but they do it with our knowledge and they know that, if they were to be deceitful, then we'd go MAD. I know a couple of her friends with more strict parents - and they simply do it behind the parents backs.

it's a tricky one, but open and honest, I feel, is the best way...

ThePhantomPlopper · 11/06/2009 19:49

YANBU. They are 14 FGS, they should be drinking Tesco Value Coke.

2rebecca · 11/06/2009 19:56

1 drink at 14 wouldn't bother me. It sounds supervised. If my kids were celebrating their birthday at home at that age they'd get a glass of something if they wanted. If the parents aren't happy they say so on the rsvp. Easy

2rebecca · 11/06/2009 19:58

How would it be discussed amongst parents? I don't know the parents of my kids' friends and don't feel the need to ask them how to run a party. If they don't like it they have been given the oportunity to say so.

dizietsma · 11/06/2009 20:01

"YANBU. They are 14 FGS, they should be drinking Tesco Value Coke."

Do you lot remember being 14 AT ALL?

I was not an overly mature 14 year old, but I remember quite clearly that at 14 the main point of parties was to smuggle booze. Our school went on a trip to France and we all bought shedloads of booze and got totally, and irresponsibly wasted away from adult supervision every night.

dizietsma · 11/06/2009 20:01

Oh, and spin the bottle. Parties were also about that too.

Quattrocento · 11/06/2009 20:03

Sounds an okay idea to me

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread