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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say no to my friends request for help ?

88 replies

hambo · 11/06/2009 13:44

Hello - first time to AIBU....(very long)

My friend is pregnant and is intending on using cotton nappies.

She decided to make her own cotton wipes. I never made my own wipes as I could not be bothered .

I have a 2 year old and a 4 month old. She phoned me and asked me if she could use my mums sewing machine at my house. (she has her own house)

This involves me getting children into car;driving to mums; getting them out of car at mums; going into attic with 2 year old wanting to help; finding machine; probably feeding smallest baby; getting everyone and everything into my car; driving home; getting everyone and everything out of the car; clearing my table as I have a tiny house and machine would have to sit on my kitchen table; having friend doing the sewing while I fend off 2 year old while feeing baby; tidying up machine when finished and doing it all again........

I said no, but I think she was shocked that I said no and now there is a distinct coldness to her last email she sent.

I said no cos if I have any time, I dont want to spend it as above, but frankly at the moment I really literally dont have any time. Also, I never made my own wipes as I could not bear the hassle, so why would I want to be involved in making someone elses?

I know this sounds so trite, but I am quite upset about it (probably hormones) but I think she thinks I am wrong to say no - what do you lot think?

OP posts:
bohemianbint · 11/06/2009 14:31

Slightly off subject but could someone explain to me how making your own baby wipes works? I also had the squares from the nappy lady, but I could never figure out how you could make them portable (IYSWIM) and what you would do when out and about with a pile of shit covered rags?

SarahL2 · 11/06/2009 14:32

"However, I don't think it was unreasonable of her to ask. She had a good idea she was excited about and wanted to involve you, because she thought you wouldn't mind."

Either that or she's not sure of her way round a sewing machine and hoped she could get you to make them for her help if she is at yours...?

skidoodle · 11/06/2009 14:33

Do not get into justifications of your inability to help out by explaining the logistics of why it would be such a hassle.

You do not have to justify yourself, you are perfectly within your rights to say no. She can make her own arrangements to pick up the sewing machine she wants to borrow from your mother.

She is meant to be a friend. That means you ask for a favour and if the answer is no, you accept that. You particularly accept that if the person saying no has a toddler and a baby and is obviously very busy.

Seriously, the bloody cheek of her saying "it's only an afternoon" . Yes, an afternoon of YOUR time. Not everyone has afternoons to spend on utterly pointless pursuits.

As for hemming things that are going to be used to wipe a baby's arse Is there really nothing better she could be doing with her time?

And "making" baby arse wipes? What utter bollocks

oldraver · 11/06/2009 14:34

Yes Fleece is the way to go.

Original poster
hambo · 11/06/2009 14:42

Skidoodle - hurrah for you! I think she really doesn't understand and hopefully will when her baby arrives.

SarahL2 - I think you were right. I do think she wanted me to make them! I used to live above her in a flat and she tried (often) to get my husband to clean her bike!

OP posts:
cornflakegirl · 11/06/2009 14:43

bohemianbint - we kept a handful in a chinese takeaway tub. Also took a little tub of water. The shit covered rags accompanied the shit covered nappy into a waterproof nappy bag.

pigsinmud · 11/06/2009 14:46

Blimey - perhaps you all need to chill.

As for portability of wipes - take said wipes and spray bottle of water. Use and put in wet nappy bag.

I'd have thought cotton and water is better for a baby's bottom than some crap filled wipe, but obviously you think otherwise - whoever it was that thought I was out of order to say it was better.

MrsBonJovi · 11/06/2009 14:46

hambo...dont worry about moaning...its important to realise you need time out for a winge or me time.

I am exhausted from my DS who is 21 mths and Im not even potty training or doing the bed plus coupled with the extra work of a 4mth old you are well within your rights to be shattered!!!

To be honest she clearly has too much time on her hands to be hemming wipes! Although with your first born you do allsorts of things cos you think you should! It the last time for a long time she will have so much free time!

I would tell her that whislt you would love to help her out its jsut not fesiable at the mo and did she realise she doesnt really need to hem them.

pigsinmud · 11/06/2009 14:46

Hambo - if she wanted you to make them for her then yanbu.

bohemianbint · 11/06/2009 14:48

Aaah. Thanks cornflake. I always wondered, but seeing the size of the squares, and the state of some of DS1's nappies, I couldn't quite get behind the idea...Did/do use cloth nappies though.

Original poster
hambo · 11/06/2009 14:57

Mrs BonJovi - you are right, I did loads of things with the first one which has not happened with the second one, becasue you try so hard to do the right thing - and with the second you are just trying to keep your head above the water!!

I just hope it all blows over becasue we do have nice times together, (although my husband thinks she takes advantage of me a bit so maybe he is right) hmmm

OP posts:
Original poster
hambo · 11/06/2009 14:58

schilke - I probably do need to chill...
I think the coffee and book in a cafe suggestions given in some responses are a great idea and will help relax me.

Thanks guys for helping me out.

OP posts:
BradfordMum · 11/06/2009 15:00

Tell her to arrange collection of sewing machine from your mum and then she can do them in her own time in between falling out with friends and knitting yoghurt.

PlumpRumpSoggyBaps · 11/06/2009 15:06

Tell her to handstitch them! Nice, calming activity and can be picked up and put down at will. Also can be done in front of the telly.

AND she can monogramme them too, if she feels like it.

pigsinmud · 11/06/2009 15:07

Hambo - wasn't aimed at you, but at skidoodle - I seem to have wound her up!

It is very difficult to read emotions in emails. I read some of dh's emails and think he sounds like a pompous twat - he isn't though! Having re-read your op you mentioned she was cold in an email. Could it be you're reading that into the email because of the way you feel about the situation? A friend should understand if you're too busy, so please don't worry about it.

I feel bad about writing the thing about not being bothered, but I spent years getting wound up by friends who said they couldn't be bothered to use cloth nappies. I was not intending to have a go at anyone about what wipes they choose touse.

What about asking your friend to prepare for motherhood by babysitting your 2 whilst you go out for coffee?

Cadelaide · 11/06/2009 15:09

has any7one suggested buying a pile of flannels/washcloths? Cheap enough from pound shops or similar.

Cadelaide · 11/06/2009 15:10

Oh, and YANBU

Curiousmama · 11/06/2009 15:13

hambo by being assertive you are a better role model for your dcs. I'm very (sometimes too much ) assertive and so are my dss although not so much thank goodness. They have confidence though

Original poster
hambo · 11/06/2009 15:21

I like things to be sorted out...would you phone her to discuss or should I just leave it?
(it is like being 16 again with a boy and you can tell I was seriously uncool!)

OP posts:
Original poster
hambo · 11/06/2009 15:23

No I am going to leave it I have decided.
Grow a backbone! Hambo!

OP posts:
pigsinmud · 11/06/2009 15:24

I know how you feel as I'm having a crisis about winding someone up on here ... and I don't even know her!

I'd probably leave it. Was the email about something different or about the sewing machine?

Must dash - have 5 mins to wake up dd2 and run to school to get dd1!

Original poster
hambo · 11/06/2009 15:27

Email was about wipes. I found her some cheap ones on ebay. Thjis is what she replied, with no bye or cheers of name at the end....

'I don't want the coloured ones. The only ones I'd use work out just under a pound a wipe. I rather make my own.'

I hink this is what has worried me that she is peed off.

PS Schilke don't have a crisis!!

OP posts:
skidoodle · 11/06/2009 15:28

Just leave it and consider it sorted out. She asked, you said no. You have no reason to feel bad and she has no reason to feel annoyed, so just assume that she doesn't.

Carry on as normal and if she's in a strop then it's her problem and she can either sulk until she gets bored or try to have it out with you, in which case you can just repeat that you're sorry but you don't have time to help her in the way that she would like.

If I'm right and she's used to you accommodating her whims she's probably expecting some kind of contrite call and will probably spin this out for longer than if you just act as though the matter is closed.

Original poster
hambo · 11/06/2009 15:32

You are right Skidoodle. In fact exactly right. I do accomodate her whims. I really do. It is very interesting having an outsiders view on events....

I think that is why she was so shocked that I said no.

Friends all fullfill different roles I know, but I do wonder what I get out of this one. Something for me to think on for sure.

OP posts:
skidoodle · 11/06/2009 15:33

schilke's right, you can read a lot into e-mails that isn't there.

I'd guess from what you've said, and that e-mail, that she is in a snot.

She certainly seems to be incredibly wound up about what she's planning to use to smear shit around her baby's bottom.

I would probably just not discuss ass wipes with her anymore.

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