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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think about moving next door to my parents...?

23 replies

GoodWitchGlinda · 09/06/2009 15:31

Ok, obviously none of you know my parents, so you can't comment on it specifically, but we are thinking of joining forces for a move to a gorgeous little village with perfect little school, playground, pub etc - everything I want for my family, and by us living in close quarters it would enable us to make the move a lot sooner (for various reasons) and to secure a place in the particular village we have fallen for.

We all get on very well and they are very respectful of our space etc, and it would mean childcare on the doorstep (which would help me A LOT with work as I have varied hours). And I think DH and I are mature enough these days to work through any friction that came up (as I'm sure it might on occasion) without a blazing row and one family storming off to the estate agents...

But I am aware that I might be looking at it with rose-tinted glasses because it is a way of getting the life we want, and I might be missing some obvious pitfalls...

Has anyone else done something similar and got any advice??

TIA

OP posts:
wishingchair · 09/06/2009 15:32

Speaking as someone who is hundreds of miles from her parents, it sounds like bliss to me but am also aware I may be wearing your rosy specs

LilRedWG · 09/06/2009 15:33

No experience, but if all parties are happy then go for it.

rubyslippers · 09/06/2009 15:33

personally, and i love, love, love my parents, next door is way to close for comfort

same village is nice or a few mins away but literally being on the same doorstep - no way

TrinityRhino · 09/06/2009 15:34

I would do it
but then my parents are 450 miles away

CarGirl · 09/06/2009 15:37

A friend did it, she had pnd after her 3rd, her dh was in the police. Her parents nieghbours house went on the market so she bought it.

Worked out very well for them.

wishingchair · 09/06/2009 15:38

hmmm rubyslippers ... good point. Imagine you fancy nice quiet Sunday afternoon in garden with BBQ etc. You hear parents moving around in their garden. How obliged would you be to invite them over???

PussinJimmyChoos · 09/06/2009 15:39

My Grandparents have lived next door to my mum all my life and I can honestly say, as a child, having my Grandparents so close has been lovely.

From a childcare perspective, it makes things easier as if we were sick and needed to stay at home, my Gran was there to take care of us and my mum didn't have to take unpaid leave or use up her holidays

I have a very close relationship with my Grandparents and its helped my sister and I become the people we are today as imo, when the child rearing is shared, it helps children to be more disciplined and respectful of adults as the parents aren't so ground down by doing it all themselves.

I know myself that if I was misbehaving as a child, all my mum had to do was say right I'm telling Granny and Grandad and that was enough for me to behave

On the flip side, I think its important to set boundries though - I mean if you are planning a 'night in' with the hubby you won't want your parents knocking on the door to borrow milk or similar, but at the same time, you won't want to tell them what you have planned. However, no-one can really tell what's going to happen until you make the move and see how it goes

I would definately recommend it. My Grandad is dying of cancer now and having my mum next door is just a massive plus for my Gran and enables me to visit everyone at the same time. I am also truly grateful for the time I've been able to spend with them - even if as a sulky teenager, I used to moan about it at times

Hope that helps

Puss

NotActuallyAMum · 09/06/2009 15:40

What rubyslippers said

giveloveachance · 09/06/2009 15:40

Hi Goodwitch - i've been thinking the same too.

you may consider it a drawback - that as the parents get older and need more help / support - you being in close proximity will be called upon.

but i'm considering it, because I know the care will fall to me to do, so instead of driving miles back and forth, it will be more practical to have parents close by - hopefully walking distance.

also, in a small village, it could very well end up being a joint social life, everyone will know you and your parents. Is there enough things going on to keep your parents amused?

branflake81 · 09/06/2009 15:41

We don;t live next door to our parents, but DP and I live about 1.5 miles away from both our parents (who, in turn, live on the same street as each other).

I like it. It doesn't mean that we see each other all the time, but we can just bob in whenever we want and it's nice.

CarGirl · 09/06/2009 15:45

If you did it and it didn't work out, how long before you could afford to move on, or even if the work situation changed, would you end up stuck there?

Original poster
GoodWitchGlinda · 09/06/2009 15:46

Puss - your message actually brought a tear to my eye! You said many of the benefits that I am thinking of, too - having them close by for my kids as well as myself to spend quality time with them and reap the benefits of their wisdom and help, so thank you

giveloveachance - I think the same as you, that having them right there will make it easier, not harder, and as this move is some distance from the rest of the family, it will fall to me to take on any care that they will need, so might as well be right next door.

wishingchair - I know what you mean, we'd def need to set boundaries, but my folks are pretty good like that - actually, it might be more the other way round, with me peering over their fence! haha

OP posts:
wishingchair · 09/06/2009 15:47

I'd LOVE to be able to pop in and see my parents and for DCs to go round theirs for tea etc. Would love it.

On balance, I'd do it.

Original poster
GoodWitchGlinda · 09/06/2009 15:47

cargirl - I guess it would be a bit of an upheaval to move again, but nothing impossible.

OP posts:
PussinJimmyChoos · 09/06/2009 15:48

Tbh, sounds as if your mind is made up

giveloveachance · 09/06/2009 15:48

Sounds like its a done deal!!

go for it!

I've already made an offer on a house, and am frantically looking for one for the oldies too.

CarGirl · 09/06/2009 15:49

Sounds like you should go for it.

EyeballshasBackBoobs · 09/06/2009 15:49

My cousin lives next door to her mother. They think it's great but I know that her mother feels a bit put upon sometimes although wouldn't change things. I wouldn't mind it but you'd have to have very clear boudaries.

Original poster
GoodWitchGlinda · 09/06/2009 15:51

Puss - you're right I think! But, a quick reality check is always a good idea - I have a habit of jumping in and then being surprised when things go wrong, things that everyone else would have seen coming.

Relying on the MNers to help me spot it before it hits the fan

GLAC - glad to hear someone else with the same idea and positive outlook on it! Hope you find the house(s) you want!!

OP posts:
Tortington · 09/06/2009 15:52

i lived on the same street as my MIL for many years and even lived next door at one point. i hated it so much we moved to the other end of the country. i think the moral of the tale is that you have to make sure that your dp is truly fine wth it rather than geting caught up in your excitement.

can i mention - loud sex? i mnea, "shhh, mum & Dad might hear you" could put a dampener on things.

ChocolateRabbit · 09/06/2009 15:53

I'm living with my parents at the moment and it does have many benefits (particularly childcare wise) and takes a lot of pressure off DH who is disabled but we are feeling the lack of own space a little bit - my mum is a bit of a hoarder which doesn't help and we definitely feel that we need to have our own life with our own friends. Generally it is working okay, but there does need to be some way of having an open forum to air disagreements or annoyances so they don't fester.

Original poster
GoodWitchGlinda · 09/06/2009 16:14

Custardo - good point about the DH. We discussed last night and he's actually really into the idea. I was a bit surprised by how much we both wanted to just jump into this without hesitation.. (hence the thread - idiot check needed!) Re the loud sex - have already checked and the bedrooms would be on opposite sides (phew!)

choc rabbit - i think actually living in the same house would be a bit difficult, as you say, and boundaries are definitely needed and ability to talk about stuff. I guess we would need to talk about that stuff beforehand, so we didn't end up with bad feeling being unspoken. good point!

Thanks everyone for the responses, I feel really good about it (even more than before!)

OP posts:
golgi · 09/06/2009 22:18

My family do this a lot - I grew up with my grandparents next door.
My parents now live just across the street. Which is very useful, as they look after my boys while I'm at work.
The "popping in and out" isn't a problem - they tend to go off wandering about the countryside at the weekends (or to the pub).
My mum has a habit of "doing little jobs" while she's here looking after the boys - like weeding the garden or washing the net curtains - this might annoy some people but I'm actually very grateful as I hate weeding.

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