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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being too pushy?

70 replies

AnneLisaLane · 08/06/2009 13:20

My eldest daughter is 9 years old and loves playing with her hair. She has started saying that she wants to be a hairdresser when she grows up. She is a bright girl and I aim to give her the best start in life possible. I would love her to become a doctor. When she says she wants to be a hairdresser I try to put her off the idea by suggesting that being a doctor would be much more fun. My husband thinks that I shouldn't be pushing our daughter at such a young age. Am I wrong to think that it is better to guide our children as early as possible in order to give them the best chances in life?

OP posts:

megapixels · 08/06/2009 13:21

No are being ridiculous. If you like the idea of being a doctor you should have done that yourself.

LaurieFairyCake · 08/06/2009 13:21

nowt wrong with being a hairdresser.

and yes I do think you should be giving her the message that she, NOT you gets to choose her career path.

megapixels · 08/06/2009 13:22

I meant to say YOU are being ridiculous.

LaurieFairyCake · 08/06/2009 13:23

And "guiding" is fine if you play up and encourage the interests she actually has - not just make up some out of your own head that you want her to do.

So if she plays doctors and nurses that's fine, play it up then.

kslatts · 08/06/2009 13:24

YABU, and very pushy.

What is wrong with being a hairdresser?

foreveroptimistic · 08/06/2009 13:24

Hmm I'm not quite sure that your post is for real.

She is 10 and has a long time before she even needs to worry about careers. There is no need to discuss it yet, you will knock her confidence if you disregard her feelings.

When she is in year 9 you can have a serious talk about her options.

Nancy66 · 08/06/2009 13:25

yes you are being too pushy - she's nine years old. how many of us actually went on to do the jobs we talked about as kids?

bigstripeytiger · 08/06/2009 13:27

There isnt anything wrong with being a hairdresser, or a doctor, but regardless, IMO it pointless at this age to think there is any purpose in pushing any particular career path.

If you want her to have the best chances in life then I would focus on supporting what she is doing now ie building confidence, encouraging school work and reading, rather than picking one job, which probably seems a bit abstract to her.

She will most likely pick a career based on what subjects she is enjoying at school and her other interests when she is a teenager, not something she fancied when she was 9.

Unicornvomit · 08/06/2009 13:28

but she could change her mind 100s of times between now and doing her GCSEs etc..

being bright and being a hairdresser aren;t mutually exclusive

you are being far too overbearing and ,frankly, a snob

if she is good at hair, artistic etc. you can't push her into being good at sciences etc

being a doctor is more fun than being a hairdresser??

surely doing a job you love and want to do is moire fun than keeping your parents' happy at any cost

you can push all you want, but if she is not academic or good at sciences, there is nothing you can do

Thunderduck · 08/06/2009 13:28

YABVU. I wanted to be several things at that age, including being a gamekeeper, and I'm certainly not a gamekeeper now.

Anyway there's nothing wrong with being a hairdresser. It isn't a dead end job,She could have her own business, become a stylist to the stars,who knows?

If she's happy with her career as an adult, that's all that matters, no matter what it is imho.

Mij · 08/06/2009 13:29

When I was 9 I wanted to be a dancer, an actor, a vet and a pilot. I did two of them for a bit, btw, but my parents did the very sensible thing and said "really dear? Great. Study hard at school and then you can choose any of those things."

YANB entirely unreasonable in that you want your kids to fulfill their potential, but deciding an actual career path for them is just going to leave you in conflict, and possible eternal disappointment. All you can do is praise them when they put in effort, commiserate when it all goes wrong and offer advice when asked.

Hassled · 08/06/2009 13:31

If you keep this up the one career you can guarantee she won't have is that of a doctor. Leave her alone - as long as she's happy and fulfilled, it doesn't matter what the hell she does.

HappyMummyOfOne · 08/06/2009 13:31

YABU, do you really want her to grow up thinking that she has to be a doctor because her mum wants her too? She'll grow to resent not being able to make her own choices and will simply rebel or will feel that she has failed you.

I wanted to be many things at school, only when it came to GCSE time did I start to think seriously and was encouraged to take a variety of subjects so that I was not tied to one choice.

Guidance is fine, pushing her into a career so early is simply wrong especially when its not her choice.

troutpout · 08/06/2009 13:31

Are you for real?

Errm yes yabu

what about if she owned a string of hairdressers and earned shedloads...would that make a difference?

pollywobbledoodle · 08/06/2009 13:32

and as an aside, training to be and being a doctor isn't much fun, it's a bl**dy hard grind and stressfull

Paolosgirl · 08/06/2009 13:33

If this is a real post - and I'm a bit - then YABVU to try and force your will onto her. Encourage her to work hard at school in order to maximise her chances of being whatever she wants to be, but beyond that, leave her to live her life.

BalloonSlayer · 08/06/2009 13:34

I went to an old fashioned grammar school, and you should have seen the look on the Headmistress's face if anyone said they wanted to be a hairdresser.

It took me quite a while to work out that a hairdresser is actually a bloody good job. No matter how short of money people are, they will always want their hair cut. And you can work from home, and work hours that fit around childcare.

I would love to have been a Doctor, but think I would have made a lousy one anyway. Most people want to become a Doctor to save lives . . . but an awful lot of medicine is about easing people out of life. A lot of Doctors suffer from depression, apparently.

musicposy · 08/06/2009 13:35

Yes, you're being too pushy. Why is being a doctor better than being a hairdresser? Because it has more kudos? Because you earn more money? Because only an elite can do it?

All those things may be true, but, and I'd seriously be asking myself this if you really love her (and I'm sure you do), will all those things make her happy? Will she actually be happier being a doctor than a hairdresser? If she loves doing hair, I'd say, no. So why would you rather she was miserable doing something than fitted your ideal than happy doing something that fits hers?

My youngest daughter is seriously bright. Is preparing to take some GCSEs at 12 kind of bright. Was put in with a class of 11 year olds at only just 8 because the school couldn't cope kind of bright. She wants to be a baker. She could do anything, but she loves baking. So, It's baking I'm encouraging because more than anything else, I want her to have a happy life.

Also, a bright child will do well in whatever they do. So your daughter might own her own multi-million pound chain of hairdressing companies one day, if you let her go her own way.

A friend of mine is a solicitor. She went through a stage of being so depressed we were seriously worried about her. Her parents were very pushy, insisted on top university, chose her career for her. And she hates it. She once said to me "I'd have loved to have tried something ordinary, but I'd have never been allowed to, and now I'm stuck where I am." She's comfortably off, but she's miserable in comfort. I want more than that for my daughter. She's in the kitchen cooking biscuits right now

Merrylegs · 08/06/2009 13:36

I wanted to be a lumberjack.
I am not.

God, I wish we had a hairdresser in the family. Or a plumber or an electrician, or a carpenter or someone that is some blardy use to someone.

Nowt wrong with having dreams for your kids, but YABU.

I'm with Foreveroptimistic, actually. Is your post real?

Sycamoretreeisvile · 08/06/2009 13:37

Oh OP, YABVU - don't you remember what it was like being 9? You have a limited idea of what occupations are out there - you have NO idea what kind of lifestyle each one brings you, and you CERTAINLY are not committing to one by mentioning it in passing to your mother. I believe I wanted to be an air hostess when I was 9....I lacked imagination and that and hairdresser where what everyone else said they wanted to do. My sister wanted to be an
astronaut.

Guess what? Neither of us are either of those things, and neither did we make any attempt to pursue those goals. I do earn enough money to support a SAHP now though in a 4 bedroom home in West London - I'd mention my salary to prove a point but that's just not good manners is it?

And with respect, you may be setting your DD up for a fall by pushing the DR business so hard. I mean, what if she isn't academic enough to get the qualifications? She'll end up feeling she disappointed you.

Better just to say "how lovely dear - well, you've got your whole life ahead of you to figure it out haven't you".

Yurtgirl · 08/06/2009 13:37

Annalisalane - Yes you are being pushy

I note this is your first post

Sycamoretreeisvile · 08/06/2009 13:39

Oh, flippety sticks - please don't say I failed to spot a very idle afternoon wind up?

Yurtgirl · 08/06/2009 13:40

Sycamore - Oh flippety sticks - Im going to use that phrase in future, tis great

musicposy · 08/06/2009 13:41

Well, it kept me amused for 5 minutes posting a reply, even if it is (not that I haven't got anything better to do, of course!)

GoodWitchGlinda · 08/06/2009 13:42

At 9, you should be encouraging her to find out what she likes and dislikes, learning from her about what she is good at and has a talent for and enjoys, and what makes her happy. You should hope for her that she is lucky enough to be able to take up a career in something that gives her pleasure and that she is good at, so that she can live a happy life and feel fulfilled. She should not be pushed into something she has no interest in and possibly no aptitude for (not suggesting that she is not clever, but it takes more than just brains to get through medical school unscathed).

Good grief woman - YES, YABVVU and very pushy.

I hope you are a troll.

Do you stand over her while she plays the violin for 5 hours on saturdays and sundays, too?

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