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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being too pushy?

70 replies

AnneLisaLane · 08/06/2009 13:20

My eldest daughter is 9 years old and loves playing with her hair. She has started saying that she wants to be a hairdresser when she grows up. She is a bright girl and I aim to give her the best start in life possible. I would love her to become a doctor. When she says she wants to be a hairdresser I try to put her off the idea by suggesting that being a doctor would be much more fun. My husband thinks that I shouldn't be pushing our daughter at such a young age. Am I wrong to think that it is better to guide our children as early as possible in order to give them the best chances in life?

OP posts:

paisleyleaf · 08/06/2009 13:42

I agree with megapixels..."If you like the idea of being a doctor you should have done that yourself"

She's 9. She's going to want to be allsorts of different things as she gets different ideas. And you should helping her think she can be anything she wants to be.

But I don't actually think this is real

BalloonSlayer · 08/06/2009 13:45

Well I thought your post was very interesting, musicposy. Good on your DD.

This reminds me of reading Willy Russell's foreward to Educating Rita, a lot of which he based on his own experience. He was a hairdresser. This was the career suggested by his Mum because, he thought, "she wanted her hair done for free."

BalloonSlayer · 08/06/2009 13:46

Sorry musicposy that sounds patronising - I meant that you had just posted as if you thought you had wasted your time and I meant you hadn't from my POV!

HuffwardlyRudge · 08/06/2009 13:58

Definitely too pushy, and I speak as a mother who bought her 1-year-old a My First Vet set in the hope of fostering a passion for vetinary science. My dd wants to be a mermaid though, so am having to look in to scholarships to Atlantis Uni instead.

nessus · 08/06/2009 14:17

DD is 8.5 and what I tell her is that she can do ANYTHING she wants to rather than focus on what I would rather she didn't!

She thinks she wants to be an artist and rather than tell her, "nope, you will starve to death" I positively encourage her to keep the dream alive whilst also making her aware that academic excellence will end up giving her the best options in life. So she doesn't just have to be an artist but also a scenographer, curator etc

The point I am hoping to get over is that at this age we should allow our children to cast their dream-lines whilst tempering it with an adult's sensibility.

They can only see a little bit of the road and there is nothing wrong with that but we need to equip them to be able to travel futher than they can see.

A hairdresser could work from home, own their own franchise of salons including line of products or even be working for at all major fashion shows in the world - let your child dream big whilst playing smart in school.

p.s YANBU

LoveBeingAMummy · 08/06/2009 14:22

Who knows what the fees will be like for uni by the time she goes, she can be a hairdresser to fund her studies to become a doc

themoon · 08/06/2009 14:27

She is only 9. At 9 DS wanted to work in ToysRus.

He is going to university in September to study philosophy and politics.

We haven't pushed him either way.

MrsGuyOfGisbourne · 08/06/2009 14:28

YABU! If YOU want to be a doctor, then do it yourself - let the poor kid chooose her own career

Overmydeadbody · 08/06/2009 14:31

YABU

Having said that, I went to school (abroad) with girls who's parents,from a very young age, told them what they would be when they grew up and how important a good education was, so they studied hard and eventually became succesful at the professions their parents had moulded them into. It worked. Now I sometimes wish my parents had been as pushy, then I might be a doctor today too.

They came from poverty stricken backgrounds though, they had to succeed.

needanap · 08/06/2009 14:32

At 9 it isn't really important, she is only playing and it probably isn't what she will become.
However, it is snobby to not want her to be a hardresser (in light of one of my previous threads, this sounds ridiculous )

Also- if you tell her she can't be something you will make her feel silly. I remember when my daughter was about 9 she wanted to be a singer. I said, don't be silly, you really won't ever be a singer.

Why did I ever say that to her age 9? It didn't matter that she wanted to be a singer!!! (Also now I'm the fool because she really is a good singer but barely sings anymore, and she used to make a good wage from it....btu that's by the by!).
Likewise my DS wanted to be a binman, a footballer, a drummer, a fireman- he is nearly 22 now and studying Art.

suwoo · 08/06/2009 14:32

My DS is 2.6 and is obsessed with dustbins. He wants to be a bin man.

Thank yourself lucky she said hairdresser

Overmydeadbody · 08/06/2009 14:33

I agree with nessus

Stigaloid · 08/06/2009 14:35

Am i being too pushy? Yes.

Are you being unreasonable? No - nothing wrong with having ambition for your child - but she is young enough to enjoy dreams of fancy and can be guided at a later stage when she knows her academic and creative strengths and weaknesses. She may be rubbish at science and brilliant at english and end up being a journalist rather than a Dr.

katiestar · 08/06/2009 14:44

I remeber on the 'doctors to be' series them saying that doctors have the highest rate of depression,suicide divorce and alcoholism of any profession.Is that what you really want for your DD ?

JeanPoole · 08/06/2009 14:49

mij, your parents rsponse is very good

"really dear? Great. Study hard at school and then you can choose any of those things."

i will steal that idea when my dd is older

when i was small, i wanted to be xyz. my parents aalways uded to say oh you won't like that because of x y z.

Doyouthinktheysaurus · 08/06/2009 14:50

YABVU. Children want to be everything under the sun at that age.

DS1 (6) wants to be a space scientist. I wonder if I should contact NASA

Alternatively I could just accept that he will change his mind about his choice of career 10 times in the next year and most likely end up with a fairly mundane career, in the same way that most of us do.

procrastinatingparent · 08/06/2009 14:53

DD (7) is trying to decide between being an artist, a vet, an entomologist, a surfer and a missionary. There might be a couple of others I've forgotten.

When I was 9 I wanted to be a paediatrician - because it had a long name and sounded important.

lostinthecitylover · 08/06/2009 14:56

I wanted to be a hairdresser - my mum used to say leave that for the girls that aren't so bright dear

There are no limits to what type of hairdreser you could be actually.

Instead I have never been quite happy in what I do and wish I had stuck to what I had wanted to do - was always talked out of anything. Think that's very bad for a child's confidence and won't be doing that to mine.

Can also see now that the comment was borne out of my mum's limited knowledge of the world and little life experience.

mumOfTheYearNOT · 08/06/2009 14:59

OMG! FFS YABVVVVVVVVVVU

Original poster

AnneLisaLane · 08/06/2009 15:53

Don't get me wrong, I don't think there's anyhting wrong with being a hairdresser. And obviously above all my daughter's happiness is the most important thing. It's just that I want her to be able of achieving her dreams, whatever they may turn out to be, so I want her to set her sights high and get the bst education possible.

I don't think i am trying to live my life through my daughter. I just want her to have all the opportunities that I never had.

There must be a time when a parent should offer guidance on such an important life decision. My question is at what age should you start doing this?

OP posts:

MrsMattie · 08/06/2009 15:57

How many adults do you know who are dong what they wanted to do at the age of 9 yrs old? There'd be a helluva lot of astronauts and pop stars about now if we all were.

It's also ridiculous to be pushing any sort of career on to your DD. She's 9 yrs old, FGS.

Get over yourself!

Littlefish · 08/06/2009 16:05

First I wanted to be a hairdresser
Then I wanted to be an air stewardess
Then I wanted to be a nurse
Then I wanted to work in a fish and chip shop (because I liked the way they wrapped up the chips very quickly )
Then I wanted to be singer

So far, I've been... A singer, a secretary, a marketing assistant, a marketing manager, a teacher, a deputy head teacher, an early years manager and now a class teacher again... I wonder what I'll be next?

Yes, you are being overly pushy.
She could change her mind hundreds of times before she settles.
Your job is to encourage her to do her best at whatever she does, to support her when she makes mistakes and help her learn from them.

I didn't become a teacher until I was nearly 30. I went back to university at 28 to re-train. Very few people now have the same job through their whole life so just back off a bit, and let her find her own way a bit more. She's very young still!

Mij · 08/06/2009 16:06

But, annelisalane, that sentence 'I want her to have all the opportunities I never had' is a step towards the 'living your life through your kids' thing. Because however much you want 'the best' for them, their idea of what's best will almost certainly be different to yours.

Honestly - the best, if not only, way to help them get the most out of life and themselves is to help them develop a healthy work ethic, a 'can-do' attitude', and then be there to offer an opinion when asked.

The time to offer 'guidance' is when they're facing decisions which might close doors to some future opportunities, like choosing a very narrow set of GCSEs, A levels or a highly vocational degree unless your DD is extremely committed to that vocation. Even then, education is so flexible that very few choices are impossible to undo these days.

ShellingPeas · 08/06/2009 16:09

Well, my DD has wanted to be (amongst other things) a tree, a hamster and an aeroplane when she grows up, so count yourself lucky!!

and YABU!

Yurtgirl · 08/06/2009 16:49

No offence Annelisalane - but you have only posted twice, both times on this thread - hence I suspect troll behaviour sorry

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