To be concerned that ex thinks it's OK to leave DS (nearly 5) at home with walkie talkie, while he's at pub 150 yards away?

[Scrumplet]

God, just typing it makes it sound ludicrous to me.

Ex and I clashed on this some time ago when we were together, when he was having a particularly 'exuberant', can-do phase, and bought the walkie talkies with a view to using them so we could have nights out aplenty in the nearby pub. I said no way - what if there was a fire, or a power cut? Our voices on the end of a walkie talkie [which DS might forget how to use] would be of little comfort.

This issue was buried, but came up again recently after XP used the walkie talkies in a fun game with DS. He mentioned the pub discussion again, and I was shocked to learn that he still thinks this would have been OK. I asked him to promise not to use the walkie talkies in this way when he has DS in his care. He looked at me as though I'm a control freak, but agreed, and said we simply have different views on this.

Am I indeed going mad/being controlling, or is the idea of leaving a five-year-old at home alone, connected to his parent at the local pub via walkie talkie, absurd and utterly irresponsible?

YABU to be concerned.

You should be very and make it clear what will happen if he leaves your child alone to go to the pub.

Thanks, MummyDragon. No more joy with NSPCC - visitors after playdate, so couldn't call again. Appreciate your empathy. It is an unusual situation WRT ex's changing mental health. Good to know my instincts are sound, though.

Have spoken with ex this evening, and his take on things is this (paraphrasing): "I can't forsee any situation in the near future when I'd consider using the walkie talkies this way. I do think it would be OK to use them when having a glass of wine with neighbours (25-50 yards down the drive), and possibly at the pub (150 yards), but I'm not sure about that one. I'd explain the situation to DS first, make sure he could use them competently and that he knew I was planning to pop out. And because I can see it's so important to you, I'd speak to you first any time I wanted to use them."

See, he can sound so reasonable and yet his idea still be fundamentally wrong, IYSWIM.

I explained that I don't want him to leave DS in the house alone full-stop, even if he is only down the drive at a neighbour's. He said that we simply view this slightly differently, and that he respects my opinion and I should respect his, and that my inability to respect his having a different opinion to me was one of the reasons we separated. I said it would be illegal to leave DS alone in the house. He said, "So do you stick to 70mph on the motorway?"

Sigh. That was a fun chat. (shineon, maybe that was the problem - we had a chat. ) These chats often end with him seeming like the good guy and me the unreasonable one, which is a headfuck. But I feel confident he won't be using the walkie talkies this way any time soon, and if he planned to, would speak to me first. And I will simply say no.

Can't link because it was a while back, but a couple were prosecuted or similar for doing this while staying at a hotel.

It's child neglect, and would be treated as such by police/SS.

I will be interested to see what NSPCC have to say.

Funnily enough i told a story on another thread recently about a colleague of mine who left her 4 yr old ds whilst she went out for calpol. she had an accident on what should have been a 6 min round trip and ended up unconcious with an head injury. Her ds was found by a neighbour the next morning.

someone on this thread actually said that it would be worse to drag a sick child to the shop!!!! Honestly!

dittany, his take on this is that he'd explain it to DS first, train him up over a period of time with using the walkie talkies, etc. I reminded him that DS was once so distraught he threw up, when he'd woken up and couldn't find us because we were in the front garden sorting something to do with the car. And a child who's woken up mid-sleep is disorientated and irrational - I doubt he'd calmly remember, "Oh yes, Dad isn't here. I need to press this button here and summon him." I hate the idea, and am concerned that he'd even consider it, TBH - stuff all the trying-to-ease-DS-into-it rationale. Sadly, I think ex thinks I'm being unreasonable, neurotic, in the face of his apparent reasonableness.

He has said he will not be pursuing this "because I'm obviously so uncomfortable with it". I have no other reason at the moment (not counting his last elevated phase of about 18 months ago) to believe him to be ill-equipped to look after DS responsibly, right now. I will write to his psychiatrist, expressing my concerns, and speak to the NSPCC tomorrow.

Thanks for posts.

barnsleybelle, that's a tragic story. I don't think it's occurred to ex that, if he popped out, something could happen to him - not just DS.

shineon, I was trying to be reasonable. To have an adult discussion (the fateful "chat") about it. I think reasonableness just doesn't work though, does it? Ex interprets it as controlling on my part, an intolerance for his different ways of doing things - which I suppose isn't altogether untrue in this context - and becomes defensive. It's a bit rock and hard place: if I said to him, "You will not be leaving DS at home alone under any circumstances without the polic/SS becoming involved," he would be doubly arsy to deal with. I can hear it now: "This is another reason why we're not together: you talk to me as if I'm a child!"

Still, he knows my views on it, and I don't believe he'll do it.

Scrumplet.. exactly, everyone seems to talk about the dangers to the child left alone, but forgets about the fact that something could happen to the parent who leaves that child alone.

i would never contemplate it for a child so young. It's just not worth it.

Scrumplet, I think you have to acknowledge that his feelings and his opinions of you are not that important. If he whines and moans and says you're being mean to him, so fucking what?

If I were you i'd stop access until he wises up. He's been using drugs around your son? Sack him!

Do you seriously believe that he will discuss it with you first before he decides to leave his child alone while he goes out drinking, now he knows you don't agree?

Assuming his child isn't with him full time, why can't he go out drinking on the nights he doesn't have access?

Solid, thanks. Obviously need to toughen up. In the habit of taking his crap - working on getting out of it.

posh, ex used drugs before access time with DS only the once, and arrived half-asleep with pupils dilated. Needless to say, I hung around and told him not to let this happen again. It hasn't.

FBG, I think he will discuss it, yes. And DS is old enough to tell me he'd been left, so ex would be daft to renege on his promise. He does go out aplenty when he isn't with DS; I'm talking about if he's invited to something close by when he has DS. He could just say no, but if feeling hyper-sociable (which comes with a high), would struggle to do this.

Have spoken with NSPCC. Their take on it is that it's unacceptable, no matter how close by he'd be. Ex risks prosecution for wilful neglect, should something happen to DS while he's out. Ex is living temporarily with his mum. NSPCC suggest I speak to her and get her on board, vigilence-wise (she thinks the sun shines out of ex's arse, so not sure how effective this would be). They have said that if I cannot get through to him and/or have considerable doubts about his capacity to take good care of DS, I should contact a children and families lawyer and get a contact order in place, preventing overnight access. They also endorsed the idea of writing to his psychiatrist.

So I will be letting ex know, in writing, that it's not on, end of story, and what the potential consequences would be. And I will be writing to his psychiatrist and keeping an eye on how he's faring.

Well done, Scrumplet. I do appreciate that it's difficult for you because you percieve your XP as mentally ill rather than simply selfish and abusive (and you are probably right) but that doesn't mean he's got free rein to do what he wants at DS' expense. He will undoubtedly piss and moan at you over this but you haven't said anything which suggests he is an actual danger to you ie that he might become physically aggressive, so really, just shrug it off. It's his problem.