To be concerned that ex thinks it's OK to leave DS (nearly 5) at home with walkie talkie, while he's at pub 150 yards away?

[Scrumplet]

God, just typing it makes it sound ludicrous to me.

Ex and I clashed on this some time ago when we were together, when he was having a particularly 'exuberant', can-do phase, and bought the walkie talkies with a view to using them so we could have nights out aplenty in the nearby pub. I said no way - what if there was a fire, or a power cut? Our voices on the end of a walkie talkie [which DS might forget how to use] would be of little comfort.

This issue was buried, but came up again recently after XP used the walkie talkies in a fun game with DS. He mentioned the pub discussion again, and I was shocked to learn that he still thinks this would have been OK. I asked him to promise not to use the walkie talkies in this way when he has DS in his care. He looked at me as though I'm a control freak, but agreed, and said we simply have different views on this.

Am I indeed going mad/being controlling, or is the idea of leaving a five-year-old at home alone, connected to his parent at the local pub via walkie talkie, absurd and utterly irresponsible?

[Scrumplet]

Thanks, dittany. I have tried to explain that my ex isn't like this all the time. He wasn't like this for most of the time we were together, and unlike the classic, consistent emotional abuser scenario, his behaviour seems related to his mental health/mood at the time. Of course it doesn't make his ideas OK. They're not. But it does mean that rather than having a fairly consistently emotionally abusive ex in the frame, there's a man who, most of the time, is a decent person, loving, mild, gentle, supportive. BUT who, when in elevated mood, loses the plot. The regular dad/ex would be mortified to have his access restricted, and I think it would be wrong, because at these times he is a great dad and he and DS need each other in their lives. But when he's up, he can't really be trusted to be responsible for DS. However, without a diagnosis to pin this behaviour on (is it bipolar? BPD? Something or nothing else? Am I just being paranoid?), I can't very well say, "I think you're a bit too animated/manic/reckless at the moment to look after DS. Decided." Or can I?

[Scrumplet]

Really usedul post, edam. I have lost count of the number of friends who have suspected bipolar or similar in DS's dad. And I have too. But it's only been floated as a possibility through the help my ex has sought. Mind you, him just being monitored is reason enough to keep an eye.

I kept comprehensive records of his behaviour in the build-up to our separation. A couple of friends/contacts working in mental health diagnosed bipolar purely on the basis of looking at these or coming into contact with my ex around this time.

It's very sad, TBH, because as would be classic if it is bipolar, underneath/when stable, my ex is a lovely bloke. But again, DS has to come first. He's loving his dad's energy and cheerfulness at the moment; wouldn't have a clue if it actually meant something was amiss/risky.

Seeking some advice from the NSPCC is a great idea. Will call them tomorrow. Thanks.

[LupusinaLlamasuit]

So, walkie talkie, with open frequency that anyone can tune into and listen in, notifying the world of a child alone?

Is he mad?

I'm normally a bit at stranger danger worries but does he not realise anyone can listen in? Not only neglect but utterly foolish and dangerous on so many levels.

I do hope you manage to sort it out. With professional help if necessary.

[GypsyMoth]

Well I've requested a psychological forensic asessment on my ex before he goes anywhere near my DC....... So you CAN do something. The ex has agreed, and takes it this month. No idea what it will throw up.

His new partner thinks he's bi polar, but I disagree. It's something which is too easily bandied about these days as a self diagnosis. Just as 'depression' and 'post traumatic stress disorder' are, in my opinion. All nice little soundbites, but they are not as common as people (abusive men particularly) think!

[LupusinaLlamasuit]

Sorry, should have said over and above all the other much more real dangers others have mentioned.

[GypsyMoth]

Walkie talkie batteries run down alarmingly quickly you know!? Does a 5 year old know how to change them? And does your (drunken) ex take spares to the pub, and be sober enough to change them? Ask him!

[lilacclaire]

I thought bi polar as well tbh (just finished my mental health exam ) but still not an expert.

[Scrumplet]

Thanks, shineon. You don't sound arsey at all. Can you eat something, though, for your own sake?

Useful post again. Did/does your ex have similar issues? If so, how do you feel about him having unsupervised access with your DS?

V useful to know likely take of police/social services on this.

XP does realise, at times, that he has a wider mood range than average. It was in a more in-the-middle-bordering-on-low mood that he sought some help. At the moment, he's more up: handling work confidently, socialising lots, seeing someone new. And with it, I sense (but what do I know?), comes some loss of insight - hence our walkie talkie 'chat'. He bought them originally to use for the purpose of leaving DS at home while we went to the pub. I never let it happen. I'm concerned that, because it has come up again, and he now has time where just he is responsible for DS, he might do this. It's very difficult to know if he's simply button-pushing or not. I have sent him a short, very friendly email, just asking him to let me know where he stands on this, since we didn't have much chance to discuss it when it recently came up. I want to see what he says before I send him the 'fact file' you suggest.

I have been trying your 'more distance' approach. I do find I'm more likely to get derailed when I see him and properly engage with him, IYKWIM.

Anyway, get some food in you - and thanks again for posts, all.

[Scrumplet]

dittany, thanks for your post. I don't know if my ex definitely plans a trip to the pub and to use the walkie talkies. I wonder if he might, when in elevated mood. And I hear what you say about regular emotional abuse - I have followed those threads too - and I honestly think this is different. I believe that DS's dad is a good man who is unfortunate enough to have some kind of cyclical mood disorder - which is the determinant of when he leans towards emotional abusiveness and questionable responsibility WRT DS. What is also unfortunate is that, because my ex has no diagnosis - I just have the last three years of living with/knowing him to go on - as far as DS is concerned, I have to decide if DS's dad is fit to take care of him, at any given time. And what ends up happening is, we have a discussion like the one about walkie talkies and I pick up that he's very sociable at the moment and he seems to have elevated confidence, and he's being difficult with me, and I'm thinking, does this mean he's heading for a high? And if I think he is, I have to decide if he can see DS. This is ever so difficult to judge correctly, and I do risk DS's wellbeing on the one hand (through his dad possibly being negligent - he would never knowingly harm DS), and getting it totally wrong and humiliating DS's dad and alienating his family on the other.

Going back to my OP, yes, of course him thinking this walkie talkie business is OK is ridiculous. I can see that. What is less clear-cut is how to handle what I perceive to be his periodical lapses in responsible parenting. I have got to be feeling very sure, on the basis of my limited contact with him, about the level of his overall parenting ability - and I don't think I do. Don't know if I am making sense, but I do see this situation as distinct from regular emotional abuse.

[Scrumplet]

I can see how it can look that way, dittany. I am confused about his behaviour, for sure. I certainly wouldn't minimise nor defend his appalling behaviour at the time we separated. He has since had months of being fairly balanced, and months of being low. And I am now wondering if he is entering a new phase of being a bit high and reckless again, and am trying to weigh up his suitability for looking after DS at this time. When he isn't at either extreme, mood-wise, it would be inconceiveable - an injustice - to prevent him accessing DS, or to insist on supervised access. At the most elevated he has been, I would say supervision would be essential. With no other support/professional guidance to go on and only my instincts, I am trying to work out if we are entering such a phase where supervision would be wise, and ATM, it isn't clear-cut. I hear where you're coming from. I do think this is different, though I can see some of the similarities. Thanks for your concern.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Scrumplet, I think you need to get some professional advice on this. It isn't unfair or unkind to your XH to take steps that mean he needs to address what could be an undiagnosed mental illness, particularly when leaving it and crossing your fingers could involve putting your DS at risk.

[Scrumplet]

Thanks, Solid. I'll call NSPCC today, as an earlier poster suggested, and see what they suggest. DS's dad is currently under the supervision of a mental health professional, who is undecided as to what has been going on WRT his mental health in recent years, if anything at all.

Would it be inappropriate to write a letter to this person (I know their name) and outline my concerns? I don't know what else to do, TBH. It's down to my instincts otherwise, which are based on seeing and speaking with my ex at drop-offs. Off to call NSPCC. Ta for post.

[ssd]

op, you've got to be joking!

why are you even questioning if this is wrong?

[Scrumplet]

Read thread, ssd.

[edam]

Glad you are calling NSPCC, Scrumplet, hope they can help.

Good friend of ours is bipolar (no kids) and there is no way I'd leave ds with him on his own when he's at either extreme, tbh. He's lovely but just doesn't 'get' the normal rules of everyday life when he's manic. He's superman, can do anything, climb any mountain, and dangerous stuff is (apparently) really fun!

I once interviewed a bunch of mad doctors - their description - all of whom were bipolar. Was a little bit scary being in a room full of them as their sense of humour/common understanding was so out of line with normality. Although apparently manic phase is brilliant when you are a junior doc - this was in the days when they had to work 36 hour shifts.

[edam]

Oh, and yes, do write to mental health professional - they SHOULD take into account any children who may be affected by an adult with mental health problems but in practice rarely do. It's a child protection issue but health often don't think of it in those terms and adult SS don't talk to children's etc. etc. Not that I am suggesting child protection as in you doing anything wrong, just that health professionals should be alert for the needs of any children around a parent/carer with mental health problems.

[edam]

Perhaps mention the Every Child Matters guidelines when you write to health professional guy, see Dept for Children Schools and Families website - health profs have a duty to your son as well as your ex.

[simplesusan]

Haven't read all the replies but
YANBU.

I would not leave a 4 year old child _or a much older one for that matter- in his care again.

Seek legal advice and stop unsupervised access would be my reaction.

I do not believe that a court of law would deem him fit to be in charge of your child. Why does he leave him alone? Surely if he was that desperate to see his child he would actually want to be with him and not F off to the bloody pub.

Anything could happen and let's face it who in their right mind believes that a child that age wants to be left alone??????
Sorry no I would not let him go again.

[Scrumplet]

Thanks for further replies. Have tried NSPCC a few times - lines busy. Will try again later in day, after imminent playdate over.

edam, will write to the psychiatrist overseeing ex. The depressed extreme would be little fun for DS, but it is the more manic phases which concern me, responsibility-wise, and I'm trying to deduce if this is where we're heading. At these times, ex has also felt invincible, and some of his ideas WRT looking after DS have concerned me - and yet he is his most unreasonable, arrogant, patronising and disrespectful with me at these times too, which is where the emotional 'abuse' element kicks in: I cannot get through to him that some of his ideas seem plain reckless. I will write about this, as you suggest, within the framework of Every Child Matters. I know ex is due to stop being seen in the later summer, if he seems OK to this consultant during a ten-minute visit . I could suggest he check in with him for longer.

I realise there are mums on here who have bipolar, and who are their children's primary carers, so unsupervised contact/residency is obviously possible and, if it is deemed safe, to be encouraged, surely.

shineon, when what I would consider to be well, my ex is very much like yours in caring for DS. He would never intentionally harm him - he's a great dad. Gald yours is too.

at mania being helpful when trying to handle 36-hour shifts - but would it be fair of me to think that someone who has bipolar should be allowed to work in a profession like medicine only when well?

[MummyDragon]

Scrumplet have just found this thread - have you had any more joy getting through to the NSPCC?

"However, without a diagnosis to pin this behaviour on (is it bipolar? BPD? Something or nothing else? Am I just being paranoid?), I can't very well say, "I think you're a bit too animated/manic/reckless at the moment to look after DS. Decided." Or can I?"

• YES YOU CAN. Your DS's safety has to be paramount. Don't doubt yourself; you have explained why you do this, and I totally understand, so I am going to say it again: don't doubt yourself. Your instincts are 100% correct!

Sorry you have to worry about this, and sorry for your ex (and you) too as this can't be much fun for any of you.