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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Half an AIBU and half a WWYD, but come and advise please?

57 replies

Aimsmum · 01/06/2009 15:33

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OhBling · 01/06/2009 15:37

I do not understand why you would accept his request that you keep it secret? What do you owe him? he has behaved appallingly badly but you are protecting him by not telling his family?

YANBU to want to say something to his family, but I'd do it as a more considered than bitchy approach. Call his sister. Tell her you're sorry to bring her into this but he had promised to pay for the party AND maintenance, he hasn't done either and you're struggling and please can she a) pass any money she owes him straight to you as he said that was going to be yours anyway and b) speak to her brother.

BouncingTurtle · 01/06/2009 15:38

No - I wouldn't have been so restrained as you have been.
I would definitely text her, at the very least his family need to know he has a very serious problem.

MissisBoot · 01/06/2009 15:39

NYANBU to text his sister - but don't expect it to change the outcome.

How terribly sad for your dd and frustrating for you.

Original poster
Aimsmum · 01/06/2009 15:40

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ilovetochat · 01/06/2009 15:42

i would contact his sister, even if she hasnt got his money his family should know.
In future tell him to do his own partys and do not invite him to anything unless he pays well in advance.

Nancy66 · 01/06/2009 15:42

I would also be letting his family know that he does not contribute. He doesn't want them to know because he's ashamed - as he should be. Shame might be the only thing to make him pay up.

AddictedtoCrunchies · 01/06/2009 15:49

I agree. Shame may work although I'm not sure whether it will with an addict?

Sorry not much to add but wanted to add my bit.

lizziemun · 01/06/2009 15:52

I would text along the lines of

"X has asked me to contact you as he is havins difficulties contacting you, about the £50 you are looking after for him. He has asked that you pass this to me, to go towards the cost of dd party and maintenance he owes from last Nov."

FabulousBakerGirl · 01/06/2009 15:54

I wouldn't involve his sister and would do everything officially with regards to money. He can afford holidays, and to blow £700 (got from where???) , he can afford maintenance for his child.

WinkyWinkola · 01/06/2009 15:59

What a loser. And I feel so sorry for you and your DD being continually let down by this bum.

You should broadcast what he's done to his family. His habit will thrive on the secrecy and he'll just carry on, wreaking destruction wherever he goes.

Contact his sister. Not by text. Call her so that there can be no misunderstanding.

Gather together some Gamblers Anonymous literature and post it to your ex, if only for your DD's sake.

And never, ever, ever allow him to raise your expectations again. He will only let you down especially when it comes to money.

Thank goodness your DD has you to make sure she's well looked after and financially sound.

MummyDragon · 01/06/2009 16:54

I'm with FGB on this one - don't involve the family unless you really, truly, honestly think it will do some good. Do it all above board and legally. Pain in the @rse I know, but you need to continue to take the high ground on this one. You sound so strong and brave; I am fully of admiration for you and I really hope that things work out with maintenance etc.

Your DD is very lucky to have a mum who sounds as sorted and loving as you are.

Original poster
Aimsmum · 01/06/2009 17:13

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Original poster
Aimsmum · 01/06/2009 17:18

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Ineedmorechocolatenow · 01/06/2009 17:19

I know it's petty, but I'd second what others have said and let his family know. I'd be fuming!

From now on, don't rely on anything he says with regards to money. If he says he's going to pay for something, tell yourself he isn't.

Hope you have some luck with the CSA.

Podrick · 01/06/2009 17:43

OMG poor you, how incredibly unfair this is.

I think the CSA is a sensible decision and I really hope they can get hold of some of his earnings for you.

How old is your dd - do you tell her that he has a gambling problem and cannot control it so his promises are likely to be empty ones if they involve cash?

ingles2 · 01/06/2009 17:52

Call your Mil Aimsmum.
Tell her it was lovely for dd to see her at the party and she's welcome to visit etc.
You also need to tell her about her son's gambling problem. You are only enabling his addiction by keeping secrets for him that make him appear to be functioning normally.
He's not!
His family need to know,.

bigchris · 01/06/2009 17:55

I would call his parents, say that you hope they had a wonderful time at the party and that you feel rotten for doing this but that exp didn't come up with his half of the money for the party and now your dd is going to have to go without

Then mention that you know he is on holiday and do they have anyway of contacting him to get his half of the money

MissSunny · 01/06/2009 18:01

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Original poster
Aimsmum · 01/06/2009 18:06

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Ineedmorechocolatenow · 01/06/2009 18:09

100k?! bloody hell! That's unbelievable!

ingles2 · 01/06/2009 18:10

so his family came to the party but didn't speak to you?????
ok....
Why not use this as a chance to build bridges then.
Phone her and say it was lovely to see her....
or would she put the phone down or something?

Original poster
Aimsmum · 01/06/2009 18:31

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Aimsmum · 01/06/2009 18:36

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Jux · 01/06/2009 18:55

Dob him in it. You owe him nothing.

Original poster
Aimsmum · 01/06/2009 19:33

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