Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to sack a godmother?

93 replies

Vizzle · 29/05/2009 15:22

So, I have a small baby and had asked a family friend to be godmother.

But I just witnessed her being so horrible to my mum and read an even more horrible email she sent her. They've now fallen out. My mum's lovely, by the way.

Do I:

a) do nothing and see what happens

b) email her and tell her I've changed my mind

c) email her and tell her I've changed my mins because she's a foul-mouthed monster, and tell her she's been replaced by a gay man, who'll now be fairy godmother?

What's the etiquette?

OP posts:
lal123 · 29/05/2009 15:45

I really don't understand why you would have a formal godparent if you're not religious? Surely you can ensure that your DD has an opportunity to learn about different religions etc without her having to have a godmother?

Rachmumoftwo · 29/05/2009 15:45

If you aren't planning on a christening for some time, why not just hold off on the whole godmother thing until nearer the time. Then you can decide who to have based on what you think is best for your child.

RumourOfAHurricane · 29/05/2009 15:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Stigaloid · 29/05/2009 15:47

My godparents have been complete no-shows in my life. My son's godparents are doing more - we chose them because they are amazing people and i think it is a gift for him to have them as special people in his life as he grows up. I leave his spritual guidance to me until he is older enough to make his own decisions, but we make sure we have godparent days for him so he gets to spend one on one time with the people we have asked and who have accepted to be there to help guide him in life.

I would go with b or c - your mum will have a far greater role in his life as his grandmother - to have a godmother who is openly rude to her and to whom she does not get on will not send a great message to him when he sees such a destructive/non-working relationship. JMO

PlumBumMum · 29/05/2009 15:48

Are you planning on falling out with her aswell, if not I think you should speak to her, as sometimes these things blow over and then you might regret 'sacking' her in the first place

And my dh and I aren't very religious but our children have all been christened, dd1 has just made her first Communion, and this is because we want them to have the same upbringing we had,
but they will be free to make their own decisions when older, (with their Godparents guidance of course)

I was also told Godparents are the people who would look after you if something happened to your parents

lilymolly · 29/05/2009 15:49

surely your opinions on wether the OP is religious or not and her decision to christen her daughter is not really answering the question here?

She asked about the godmother NOT the choice to christen or not or if they are religious.

In answer to the OP, I feel I need a little bit more information before making a decision,as to if YABU or not.

lal123 · 29/05/2009 15:51

my DP is godfather to his nephew - we're not at all religious and took it to mean that we'll provide him with a bed for the night when he falls out with his Mum when he's a teenager and be the ones who buy him the present he really wants for his birthday when his Mum says no. Are you lot telling me that there is more to it than that???????

bigchris · 29/05/2009 15:51

but lilymolly- she's chosen not to have her child christened until she's old enough to decide for herself, but she's asked a family friend to be a godparent, isn't that a tad bizarre??!!

bigchris · 29/05/2009 15:53

lal123 - thumps head against brick wall

I would never commit to standing up at the front of a church and commit to spiritually guiding a child through it's life if really all I meant was I'd buy it huge presents and be a best friend. To me it is a religious commitment. I know it isn't for loads of others though .

RumourOfAHurricane · 29/05/2009 15:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

QS · 29/05/2009 16:05

What an utterly perplexing thread?

You are not religious. You dont plan to do a Christening until your child is old enough to make up his/her own mind. You want to keep the options "open" for the child should she/he choose to follow Christianity.

Ok.
First of all, you are not closing any options or door by NOT having your child Christened.
At the age where the child is supposed to make up his/her own mind, they usually go through confirmation, which is
a) a reaffirmation of your parents Christening wovs on your behalf
b) a reaffirmation of your belief in God and the holy Trinity, in case you were NOT Christened as a child.

I think you can relax regards to the whole religion issue here.

However, do you maybe look as "godparents" as an honorary title to give to close friends who you hope will take a vital part in your childs life and upbringing?
You can opt for a "naming" ceremony, where you appoint "god parents", if you dont want any of the religious trimmings. I think...

FabulousBakerGirl · 29/05/2009 16:06

Getting your child Christened does not give her the option to be religious when she is older.

If you want to still be friends with this person she needs to apologise to your mother but I wouldn't have them as my firned or Godmother if they had done that to my family

Jonut · 29/05/2009 16:07

Don't know if this has already been said but don't have time to read whole thread. I'm getting DD2 and DD3 Baptised in June and ave really struggled to find appropriate GodFathers for them. I don't want someone that is not going to bother being around for them like most Godparents do. I told the Priest and he said that there is no limit to how many Godparents you have so if you really wanted to you could have 6 Godfathers and no Godmothers (why you would want to I don't know, but each to their own and all that) A cousin of mine has a ridiculous amount of Godparents and it was all because their mother is attention grabbing and wanted a big fuss and a massive party, etc. Completely pointless IMO.

LovelyTinOfSpam · 29/05/2009 16:21

I find it perplexing that the OP is going to leave the child to decide for itself about religion, but the only religion being discussed is christianity

nametaken · 29/05/2009 16:35

A} leave it and do nothing.

If you asked her to be a godmother it's a bit childish to de-ask her just because her and your mum had a quarrel.

It's a bit like me not giving dds 10 year old friend a lift home from tennis club because she and dd had an argument - you just have to rise above other peoples arguments.

mrsboogie · 29/05/2009 16:38

shineoncrazydiamond is right. There is no engage in a religious ritual if you are not religious. The questions of godparents is therefore irrelevant.

MrsMerryHenry · 29/05/2009 16:42

I think a godparent is an excellent idea regardless of religious affiliation. I think when they're teenagers, both parents and children appreciate all the more there being another reliable and thoughtful adult who their child can turn to.

Vizzle, perhaps it would help to remind yourself what qualities you saw in your friend that made you choose her as a godmother.

Secondly, you need to hear both sides of the story if you wish to bring her and your mother together. I'm sure your mother is wonderful, but there is always a possibility that your mother may be in the wrong here.

LovelyTinOfSpam · 29/05/2009 16:44

Even if you're a Buddhist, mrsmerry?

MrsMerryHenry · 29/05/2009 16:47

Huh? - at Spamster. Not sure whether you've misunderstood me.

The point I'm making is that the role of a godparent, whatever you choose to call them, is incredibly useful and both parents and children stand to benefit.

LovelyTinOfSpam · 29/05/2009 16:54

A formal godparent pre-supposes a religious affiliation that has a god though, surely. And as bigchris keeps pointing out the main purpose of a godparent is spiritual guidance, which isn't much use if you're an athiest, say. A godparent is by defition a formal religious role.

Otherwise any adult family friend/friend will do. And lots of people have strong guiding and helpful influences in their lives without labelling it in a religious manner.

cheerychapstick · 29/05/2009 16:55

I definitely see what MrsMerry is getting at. Perhaps there ought to be a new name (perhaps to go with naming ceremonies for people who are not religious) for "people who you hope will stick around in your lives and be there for your child when they need them". Or maybe something catchier

to the OP - is this a long term quarrel or something that will blow over, i.e. do these quarrels happen regularly?

LovelyTinOfSpam · 29/05/2009 16:56

Or is that what you were saying in the first place?

The whole situation seems v odd to me though, I'm baffled as to what is going on.

MrsMerryHenry · 29/05/2009 17:00

Spam - that's why I said 'whatever you choose to call them'.

We have godparents for our DS and are happy with the term as we have a faith, however he's not been christened - we just did it ourselves at our home-made naming ceremony (much more moving for me than I think a church affair would have been!). So you see - even for people with a faith there are still a million options! People who don't practise a faith can still come up with their own term, why not?

Perhaps, cheerychapstick, something catchy like Significant Non-Parental Other?

MrsMerryHenry · 29/05/2009 17:01

QS - just seen you on this thread. I don't know if you saw my post on that thread this morning but I am mortified, hugely apologetic (it was an honest mistake) and asked MN to pull the thread.

QS · 29/05/2009 17:04

MrsMH, I did not see it, I went out after my last post. It did not occur to me that you did not know, as it happened a few days after the "hair" thread all three of us were on. We were all posting a bit those days. I am sorry, I was just shocked and taken (a) back. Sorry you got to hear about it that way..

Swipe left for the next trending thread