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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be worried sick and annoyed with ExH

76 replies

Worriedunfortunately · 27/05/2009 13:12

Have a DD of 4 with ExH. He usually pays 15% of his net income in maintenance plus half of her nursery / school fees. I also work nearly full time.

He was made redundant 2 months ago. He used some of his redundancy pay to pay the maintenance for the 3 months, so next payment is due at end of June.

He lives 200 miles away and does not therefore help out at all with school holiday care / after school etc.

I spoke to him last night and he has not yet found another job. AIBU to be annoyed that hes only looking for jobs over a certain £ and in his chosen career? He's a solicitor, but should he not be looking for any work that puts money in the bank rather than holding out for the ideal job?

I'm scared to death that without the maintenance there is no way our DD can stay in the school she's currently in (and has been in since she was 6 months old). Also I would find bills / food etc very difficult to pay for without the maintenance.

I've asked him if his father could contribute at all (I know its not his responsibility) but my ExH has saidd he has no money.

I'm really angry because if I lost my job and then didnt take anything, but held out for a 'good job' then surely our DD would starve?

Any advice welcomed

OP posts:
VinegarTits · 27/05/2009 13:14

YABU

LaurieFairyCake · 27/05/2009 13:14

Have you checked out state school options?

It's a tough time to find a job and being a solicitor is specialised so he should hold out for a job in his field unless he wants to retrain.

If you're in Britain and you lost your job then you would mostly get your income from state benefits which would mean you wouldn't starve.

GypsyMoth · 27/05/2009 13:19

Bloody hell, yabu !!

I had to cutback my lifestyle dramatically when my ex went on benefits telling me he would never work again as maintenence for 4 DC was too much!!

I get £5 a week now.

We make do

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 27/05/2009 13:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BlueGreen · 27/05/2009 13:21

I think you have/had pretty good deal there. He is/was paying %15 of his net salary plus the school fee. So what if you take your dd from her current school and put less expensive one?

In my opinion you have NO right to tell him to look for a job for less money or ask him to ask money from his dad.

And I think you are exaggerating the situation don't worry I never seen a grave stone says " s/he died in hunger"

pavlovthecat · 27/05/2009 13:22

YABU. He is a qualified professional, he should be able to spend some time seeking work in his chosen profession, 2 months is not a long time to be seeking work in this current climate. IF he does that, he will be able to continue to keep you and your daughter in the lifestyle you are clearly used to. If he gets any old job, your lifestyle and that of his daughter will have to change for good.

unavailable · 27/05/2009 13:23

YANBU to be worried, but YABU to expect him to take anything at all.

If your income falls substantially due to decreased maintenance, can you apply for an increase in tax credits?

honeyandlemon · 27/05/2009 13:24

No YANBU. If he can get a job then he should - its the responsible thing to do. And it would be an upheaval for your daughter to have to move as well. I am really sorry for those who cope without financial support - but that doesn't make it right that you all have to cope - admirable that so many people do.

BlueGreen · 27/05/2009 13:25

That is why I never envolved with a guy who has kid/s as their ex`s demanding wishes would annoy me to death!

Some people are unbelivable!

Rindercella · 27/05/2009 13:26

YABU. You have no right to either demand what work your ex-H seeks or ask that his father (ffs) helps you out.

VinegarTits · 27/05/2009 13:28

I agree that you need to re-arrange your lifestyle so that you are not reliant on his money, and that it is a extra bonus, not a nessessity. anything could happen in the future and you need to be self sufficient when you are a lone parent, its one of the things i have learned very quickly. Never rely on anybody but me to support myself, anything else is a bonus.

Original poster
Worriedunfortunately · 27/05/2009 13:30

Thanks for the responses.

I'm not incredibly privileged actually, I often work 70 hour weeks in a hard demanding job. Private school was not something we wanted to do, and neither of us went to private school, however the state school that we're in the catchment area for is horrendous.

I live in a 3 bed semi in a fairly rough area, hardly 'the lifestyle you are clearly used to'. Do you not think you could answer intelligently rather than being such inverse snobs?? I'm working class but I work hard and earn good money, as did my ExH. Why do you all think you know that I'm privileged?? Because my ExH pays 15% of net income that the CSA say he should? Of course if she didnt go to private school he wouldnt pay the extra half of the fees.

Just because some Exs out there clearly dont want to pay maintenance and are not nice people does not mean that we should all aspire to be the lowest common demoninator should we??

OP posts:
Rindercella · 27/05/2009 13:30

You know, when DH was made redundant a few years ago (and we were in dire financial straits, but DH always paid what was agreed child support/maintenance), his exW said well, Rinders is working she can pay my maintenance

Some people are so fecking money grabbing it is unbelievable.

Littlefish · 27/05/2009 13:30

YABU.

I think you are unreasonable asking him to ask his dad for money.

I think you are unreasonable to expect him to take any job, when he's only been looking for 2 months.

I think you are unreasonable for expecting to be able to continue with your current lifestyle given the circumstances.

Action plan:
Research state school options
Join Moneysavingexpert.com and see where you can cut back on household expenses and bills.
Go to www.entitledto.co.uk to find out whether there are additional benefits you might be entitled to

Rindercella · 27/05/2009 13:32

a 70 hour week is hardly working "nearly full time" is it?

Original poster
Worriedunfortunately · 27/05/2009 13:34

Oh and in case I didnt make it clear, I do not receive a penny of him for me, the maintenance is for our DD. I support myself and 50% of our DD. He doesn't pay all her school fees, he pays half as do I.

Why should I treat the child maintenance as a luxury?? Is he not responsible for paying 50% of what she costs?

And I didn't mean find a lesser job for ever, I meant while he carries on looking for the job he wants. Surely some money is better than none?

Honeyandlemon - thank you

OP posts:
BlueGreen · 27/05/2009 13:34

So you do know that he is nice person so be nice to him and dont stress him!

Original poster
Worriedunfortunately · 27/05/2009 13:37

I'm contracted to work 31 hours a week (ie nearly full time). I often work nearly 70. The extra I do in the evenings or if my parents have my DD.

Honestly, can someone please explain why its 'money grabbing' to want my ExH to pay for 50% of his daughter's costs? I really dont understand that. I work, I pay, why should he not? Why does that make me subhuman to here some of you lot speak?

Ask yourselves honestly, if I hadn't mentioned private school in the op would your responses have still been the same? Does everyone on MN hate private schools?? Genuine question.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 27/05/2009 13:39

Just cut back fgs like the rest of us do!!!

Why does 15 % of his income make such a difference to you if you work? Isn't the maintenence there to help not pay all the bills.......it's your childs money. Why rely on it so heavily?

BlueGreen · 27/05/2009 13:40

" Also I would find bills / food etc very difficult to pay for without the maintenance."

Those were your words. So you cant maintenance your dds food? Salut to those who are managing with £5 per MONTH!!! Maybe you should talk to them regarding how to live life without supervised from exHs and not to be the pain in their neck!

VinegarTits · 27/05/2009 13:40

Erm who mentioned child maintainence being a luxury? i said you should not rely on it as a nessessity, but see it a a bonus to your income, not a luxury

As a lone parent myself, i do not rely on others, including my ex, to support my family, because god for bid, if anything bad happened to my ex, like a sudden disability or even death, i would be up sit creek, it is only sensible to make sure i am covered in all eventuallities.

But you are clearly not willing to listen to opposite opinions, so im outta here

unavailable · 27/05/2009 13:40

OP - I dont think anyone was saying your ex shouldnt pay maintenance, but were pointing out that his circumstances have changed and therefore you need to adjust too.

Its not as if he purposely got made redundant, and he is entitled to try and find a job that he worked hard to qualify for and presumably finds fulfilling.

If your new financial circumstances mean that you cannot afford to send dd to private school, then you will have to face that. Most of us cope within the state system and come through reasonably unscathed. She is only 4 - I cant believe that all state infant schools in your area are "horrendous"

Original poster
Worriedunfortunately · 27/05/2009 13:41

Bluegreen - I wouldn't go that far

No, to be fair he is ok. However I dont think hes putting very much urgency into the job hunt. He lives with his father so doesn't need to find rent etc, whereas I am very worried that I need to start making changes (ie DD school) if he hasnt found anything soon.

OP posts:
VinegarTits · 27/05/2009 13:41

And that should be shit creek

GypsyMoth · 27/05/2009 13:41

Private school is irrelevant......why do you keep mentioning it?